I am esoteric. I rely on other people without blatantly telling them that I rely on them. I use my friends to validate me to such an extent that when I'm alone I decide I'm worthless and want other people to tell me what to do, how to act or even just tell me to do something I already want to do. Like, right now, I'm friggin' giddy over this dude. I spend too much time contemplating what he thinks about me, what I'm wearing or things I like or say. I have elaborate fantasies of us just hanging out or him actually asking me out and it both cheers m up an depresses me. I feel like I'm loved but then I think about who I am and how I act and decide there's no way he'd like me and I'm back to where I started again. Sometimes I make elaborate plans to boldly say what I feel but it never works out. I'm either too distracted in the moment (too giddy, too eager, too nervous) or I'm finally calm again and I'm confused as to how I feel. I'm going insane. The person I actively turn to tells me to just go for it, but then I'm too afraid, or I don't know the next time I'll see this guy.
I'm esoterically me because I post song lyric for unrequited-love songs as my status on facebook hoping he gets the message. I say we should do something together, effectively saying we should go out or I go out on a limb and directly ask him out. I'm tired of being so stressed out, I want to forget about romance and infatuation and just focus on being stressed about school and classes and getting my life together.
I want a cheat code to get to the end. I want to peek at the last page of the book to see how it all ends, I'm tired of turning the pages one by one and feeling like I progress no further into the story then I was when I woke up this morning. I at least want to say something before my journal comic gets online. There's flirting something like...6 or 12 days in, love sick whining for the next two months then meager interaction for the last few weeks with an increase in pining and being a whiny bitch.
I'm tired of being so esoterically me.
Jasmine P.
Fuck, this whole rant is esoteric.
Showing posts with label wanting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wanting. Show all posts
August 31, 2010
April 11, 2009
Movie Marathon Dreams...And Men
And so, nothing really special has gone on. I'm currently in the middle of watching my 73rd movie for the year. I understand Donnie Darko a lot better now having watched it with commentary.
I have decided that I much preferred Heath Ledger's performance in Lords of Dogtown than to his performances in both Brokeback Mountian and The Dark Knight. The voice, mannerisms, the character/person. Much more engaging, and a character than one can like more.
I have also thought of a nice little connector for my movies, but I don't have some of them, so I'm more in the middle of the connector than the beginning. If I were to do that, I'd start with Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild, Milk then Dogtown which would segue into Ledger, then after that Brokeback which would lead into Donnie Darko then Zodiac then any friggin Downey movie I could think of to tickle my fancy. That would be a sweet marathon set up.
On another note. Emile Hirsch is a total friggin' cutie, and I'd love to tell him that to his face. Hell, it's not often that I en up fancying a actor anywhere near my own age, that little piece of bombshell is 24. Very attractive, I tells ya.
Another attractive gent is this dude from fencing club. I won' go into details...or hell..this is my journal, and after going into detail about my surgery, I can be as fucking personal as I damned well please. The gent in question is Paul. Not often at practice, but way too fun to tease when he is there. But I also think that's the basis for the attraction. So easily flustered, but that's also what I try to do at times, just plain make him flustered. I think I do it because I crush on him a little. I dunno, maybe if he's at practice on the 28th I'll tell him I think he's cute.
I have decided that Jake Gyllenhaal has an adorable smile. I think that's what I end up liking the most about dides, their smile. Their personality, of course, but their smiles. Mouths apparently.
I've always thoguht I was an eye person, but I love ot smile, so I probably like seeing someone who knows how to smile myself. Makes for a good personality, and good spirits with proper smiling. I dunno. I've waxed on why I liked Ledger in Dogtown but that chatacter ezperienced such a wide array of emotions and such a downfall that he was much mroe interesting. Granted the emotional waves that occurr during Brokeback, but it was still something different and much more intriguing.
I like me some men, but I've never had one. It's a pipedream that doesn't seem as if it'll ever come to fruition. I guess pipedreams don't some to fruition, that's what they're called pipedreams. But the problem is I can't see my future. Normally see something. Well, I do see me moving out to California after graduation. Maybe some part of my dream will come true then.
That would be fun. Having any sort of change onthe relationship front would be pretty alright. From where I'm sitting, it would be a change for the better. Portnetioanlly. Then again, I guess I'm saying I'm not entierly happy with my life where it is.
That's also me saying, or thinking I'm depressed. I tend to think about relationships more when I'm feeling depressed or alone. Considering the movies I end up watching sometimes, that doesn't help anything. I'm a lonely frig. That's what I'll be, pretending I'm not.
My depression writing, these journals, are always full of fail. I end up writing about being forlorn or lonely. Doesn't really help anythijng. Time will grant me things I don't have now, and let's hope that somewhere in my future is love.
Bah, any time I think about men, my writing goes to crap. It's so depressed and boring.
And to voice a lament I've voiced before-I wish someone here would choose me. However...I can't wait until I'm more than just a bench warmer of life. Maybe this fall. Heh, I keep pushing my time back further and further. Time is a whore of a mistress. Things you want never last as long as you want them. And things you're waiting for take too long to arrive.
Jasmine P.
I have decided that I much preferred Heath Ledger's performance in Lords of Dogtown than to his performances in both Brokeback Mountian and The Dark Knight. The voice, mannerisms, the character/person. Much more engaging, and a character than one can like more.
I have also thought of a nice little connector for my movies, but I don't have some of them, so I'm more in the middle of the connector than the beginning. If I were to do that, I'd start with Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild, Milk then Dogtown which would segue into Ledger, then after that Brokeback which would lead into Donnie Darko then Zodiac then any friggin Downey movie I could think of to tickle my fancy. That would be a sweet marathon set up.
On another note. Emile Hirsch is a total friggin' cutie, and I'd love to tell him that to his face. Hell, it's not often that I en up fancying a actor anywhere near my own age, that little piece of bombshell is 24. Very attractive, I tells ya.
Another attractive gent is this dude from fencing club. I won' go into details...or hell..this is my journal, and after going into detail about my surgery, I can be as fucking personal as I damned well please. The gent in question is Paul. Not often at practice, but way too fun to tease when he is there. But I also think that's the basis for the attraction. So easily flustered, but that's also what I try to do at times, just plain make him flustered. I think I do it because I crush on him a little. I dunno, maybe if he's at practice on the 28th I'll tell him I think he's cute.
I have decided that Jake Gyllenhaal has an adorable smile. I think that's what I end up liking the most about dides, their smile. Their personality, of course, but their smiles. Mouths apparently.
I've always thoguht I was an eye person, but I love ot smile, so I probably like seeing someone who knows how to smile myself. Makes for a good personality, and good spirits with proper smiling. I dunno. I've waxed on why I liked Ledger in Dogtown but that chatacter ezperienced such a wide array of emotions and such a downfall that he was much mroe interesting. Granted the emotional waves that occurr during Brokeback, but it was still something different and much more intriguing.
I like me some men, but I've never had one. It's a pipedream that doesn't seem as if it'll ever come to fruition. I guess pipedreams don't some to fruition, that's what they're called pipedreams. But the problem is I can't see my future. Normally see something. Well, I do see me moving out to California after graduation. Maybe some part of my dream will come true then.
That would be fun. Having any sort of change onthe relationship front would be pretty alright. From where I'm sitting, it would be a change for the better. Portnetioanlly. Then again, I guess I'm saying I'm not entierly happy with my life where it is.
That's also me saying, or thinking I'm depressed. I tend to think about relationships more when I'm feeling depressed or alone. Considering the movies I end up watching sometimes, that doesn't help anything. I'm a lonely frig. That's what I'll be, pretending I'm not.
My depression writing, these journals, are always full of fail. I end up writing about being forlorn or lonely. Doesn't really help anythijng. Time will grant me things I don't have now, and let's hope that somewhere in my future is love.
Bah, any time I think about men, my writing goes to crap. It's so depressed and boring.
And to voice a lament I've voiced before-I wish someone here would choose me. However...I can't wait until I'm more than just a bench warmer of life. Maybe this fall. Heh, I keep pushing my time back further and further. Time is a whore of a mistress. Things you want never last as long as you want them. And things you're waiting for take too long to arrive.
Jasmine P.
October 18, 2008
Change
To fill in the blanks from the beginning, if for nothing, my terrible memory. On Monday, I decided to ask this guy out. His response is 'maybe' then we talk about other things. We happen to not see each other until Wednesday night, when he agrees to try going out with me. I'm happy, but things between us don't seem any different, in any way shape or form. This is what happens upon question him. [originally a letter to Za]
Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.
I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.
Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.
I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.
I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.
In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.
I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.
Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.
-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.
Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.
Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.
I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.
Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.
I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.
I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.
In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.
I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.
Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.
-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.
Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.
October 5, 2008
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
This reminds me of what I wrote up here last year, looking for love, finding one and not going ahead with anything. [[throwback]] But based off of certain circumstances, instances, rather, this might be more successful if anything is said. Maybe I should practice saying something, in my head as least. I kind of like skipping the whole confession part of everything and image being in a relationship.
Things of interest, he does seem to hyper-focus on me sometimes when we're together or with other people. In a weird way I do the exact opposite, avoid eye-contact and what not because then I start thinking stupid things or focusing too much until I'm too nervous to act normal.
Jack Johnson is the best and worst thing at the moment.
I don't want to be the one to start things, but I also don't want to be in this awkward limbo anymore. I'd love ANY little sign that this is requited love and not unrequited.
I need to write about something other than my lack there of of a relationship with this person. Fuck all! Heh, for as outgoing as I normally am I can't just take control of this. I need to stop protecting me and go out on a limb for once, it would do me a hell of a lot of good if I did. Is is so hard to want any little obvious sign. The most obvious I can notice is how often we hang out, but that doens't count for anything. Unless something happens, we'll fall into the friendship rut and nothig will change.ell, i damn near want Za to push me into him ro something retarded. That would be better than fuck near nothing. I know things aren't like movies, but sometimes I want the ease or confidance of getting into a relationship that people seem to always have in movies.
Hopefully I'll have something more substantial to write here soon. I'm tired of re-writingt he same things, but sadly these same things are on my mind all the time.
Jasmine P.
Things of interest, he does seem to hyper-focus on me sometimes when we're together or with other people. In a weird way I do the exact opposite, avoid eye-contact and what not because then I start thinking stupid things or focusing too much until I'm too nervous to act normal.
Jack Johnson is the best and worst thing at the moment.
I don't want to be the one to start things, but I also don't want to be in this awkward limbo anymore. I'd love ANY little sign that this is requited love and not unrequited.
I need to write about something other than my lack there of of a relationship with this person. Fuck all! Heh, for as outgoing as I normally am I can't just take control of this. I need to stop protecting me and go out on a limb for once, it would do me a hell of a lot of good if I did. Is is so hard to want any little obvious sign. The most obvious I can notice is how often we hang out, but that doens't count for anything. Unless something happens, we'll fall into the friendship rut and nothig will change.ell, i damn near want Za to push me into him ro something retarded. That would be better than fuck near nothing. I know things aren't like movies, but sometimes I want the ease or confidance of getting into a relationship that people seem to always have in movies.
Hopefully I'll have something more substantial to write here soon. I'm tired of re-writingt he same things, but sadly these same things are on my mind all the time.
Jasmine P.
August 10, 2008
The Notion of 'Bad' Movies
I don't think that there are any really 'bad' movies. First and foremost a movie is meant to entertain and most do. Even boring movies have their merit, they an be excellent for getting people to go to sleep. I'm tired of seeing people harshly criticize every last detail in movies thinking that every movie needs to be the next Citizen Kane [which I've heard is boring as all hell, even if it's one of the greatest movies of all time].
I just saw Shoot 'Em Up and the perfect comment's title is 'gun porn' because that's all the movie was. It glorified guns and violence in a very cartoony fashion. It was Kill Bill: 1 with guns, seriously. People gave the movie harsh criticism because there was naught much other than shooting going on in the move. But look at the fucking title. It says what's going to happen right there, fucking shooting! I resented the fact that the author of the excellently titled critique said his friend's review was to be 'expected' because the friend was female. I quite enjoyed the movie, but wasn't looking for anything other than a violence fest.
But to where I started, I've spent my summer watching a lot of movies and I've found something to like in each of them. I've either liked and actor, their performance, the story, the cleverness of the script or other. I don't understand why people can be so closed minded about movies. Before this summer I wouldn't have called myself a movie fanatic, but after watching 50+ movies over the summer [hell, I've got one on atm for BG noise] But what I'm saying is, there's something good in every movie something to like so why are people so harsh. You can tell when you look at the movie when walking up to see it the type of movie it's going to be. If you're not going to like it, why see it?
Not every movie out there is supposed to have a message. Not every movie is supposed to have a life lesson. Movies still have the merit to be pure entertainment and that's what Shoot 'Em Up was meant to be. Why can't people go to a movie and just enjoy the wild ride they're sent on, I mean really. Even movies that are poorly made have the merit of being camp and kitch. They're fun because of how bad they are. I like most every movie I've seen and never really call things bad. But I'm also artistic, so I guess I feel bad in calling someone's artistic attempt to be inherently 'bad'.
Hmm, well, my point is not every movie is supposed to hit the same point. Some are pure entertainment and love stories to some random item. It's like a romance story, no real sustenance, and you can usually predict what's going to happen, who's going to get together, but they're still entertaining...sometimes, in what happens to force the couple apart. Some movies have a moral to the story, and others have subtle messages. People need to learn to rate movies on their own personal merits and not just the genre's they fit in. I guess that's what the cult following is for, but people who understand what was being accomplished. I can't expect the many to accept the amazing of the few.
I've kind of lost my point, but that's not new in these.
Jasmine P.
I just saw Shoot 'Em Up and the perfect comment's title is 'gun porn' because that's all the movie was. It glorified guns and violence in a very cartoony fashion. It was Kill Bill: 1 with guns, seriously. People gave the movie harsh criticism because there was naught much other than shooting going on in the move. But look at the fucking title. It says what's going to happen right there, fucking shooting! I resented the fact that the author of the excellently titled critique said his friend's review was to be 'expected' because the friend was female. I quite enjoyed the movie, but wasn't looking for anything other than a violence fest.
But to where I started, I've spent my summer watching a lot of movies and I've found something to like in each of them. I've either liked and actor, their performance, the story, the cleverness of the script or other. I don't understand why people can be so closed minded about movies. Before this summer I wouldn't have called myself a movie fanatic, but after watching 50+ movies over the summer [hell, I've got one on atm for BG noise] But what I'm saying is, there's something good in every movie something to like so why are people so harsh. You can tell when you look at the movie when walking up to see it the type of movie it's going to be. If you're not going to like it, why see it?
Not every movie out there is supposed to have a message. Not every movie is supposed to have a life lesson. Movies still have the merit to be pure entertainment and that's what Shoot 'Em Up was meant to be. Why can't people go to a movie and just enjoy the wild ride they're sent on, I mean really. Even movies that are poorly made have the merit of being camp and kitch. They're fun because of how bad they are. I like most every movie I've seen and never really call things bad. But I'm also artistic, so I guess I feel bad in calling someone's artistic attempt to be inherently 'bad'.
Hmm, well, my point is not every movie is supposed to hit the same point. Some are pure entertainment and love stories to some random item. It's like a romance story, no real sustenance, and you can usually predict what's going to happen, who's going to get together, but they're still entertaining...sometimes, in what happens to force the couple apart. Some movies have a moral to the story, and others have subtle messages. People need to learn to rate movies on their own personal merits and not just the genre's they fit in. I guess that's what the cult following is for, but people who understand what was being accomplished. I can't expect the many to accept the amazing of the few.
I've kind of lost my point, but that's not new in these.
Jasmine P.
June 6, 2008
Two Halves of Something Broken
Two Halves of a Whole.
Something broken, this is actually at a perspective, so the smaller piece is smaller on purpose. But there is a purpose to this.
My point is, I'm tired of my social situation changing so drastically every time it does. I'm tired of rebounding back and forth from being independent to being dependent on others. I can stand on my own, and I can lean on another's shoulder, but I'm tired of being forced to do one or the other over and over again. Every time I learn to live with myself I'm thrown into a situation where there are others who tolerate and accept me. I'm around people who don't ask anything other than me. They they let me trust them, until we're forced apart, then I'm alone and have forgotten how to deal with anything anymore.
There's nothing wrong with my desire for stability, so why don't I have any? Have I don't something to be punished to not be allowed to have any real consistent presence in my life that I trust and whom trusts me. This person doesn't even need to be a boyfriend, a significant other. They just need to be reliable. I need someone to be reliable when we're together and when we're apart.
Is it weird that when I'm alone I'm both incredibly solitary, not wanting to be anywhere near nor around others, but I'm also quite clingy, wanted to be near certain people? That's why I am the way I am when I can finally be not alone anymore. I'm like a man in the desert who'se come across and oasis. I lavish in the attention I can now get and give. I'm a selfish son of a bitch so my receiving and giving of attention in a weird way involve my sharing my new artwork with people. I like hearing from others that my work is good. That doesn't quite mean much because none of them draw. But that doesn't mean I don't not like hearing it. I love giving attention to others in my own obsessive way. I love giving attention in a physical manner, hugging, touching or in general being around some one else, others. That's how I give attention when I don't always listen properly. I focus, observe watch. That's how I give attention, that's how I give as much as and what I get.
My broken heart is cause by many people. Too many to list here, too many to list for myself. IT's quote sad though that Just about every one I know can be put on that list from one time or another. There is also a reason why I go off on my own when I'm upset. It forces me to think about the situation and it forces me to find a way to fix it. How can I fix something that I didn't break? Something that isn't tangible? Something that is left subject to others to socialize with? What happens is not under my own control, but it's under the control of those around me and it's taken so many 'hits' over the years that everything is an injury on top of a bleeding wound. Nothing is getting better and I don't know how much more I can take before it all collapses. I need something stronger and more consistent that my own strength. One day I'll just cave in on myself under my own weaknesses and I won't be strong enough to get out on my own. Maybe by that day My needed strength will be near and they'll be able to help me out when I won't want to help myself.
I can only pray for that day.
Jasmine P.
May 29, 2008
Joyus Fucking Sweet Hell!!!
Joyus Fucking Sweet Hell!!!
I'm PMSing, I'm depressed. I'm losing it. I'm also getting sleepy as hell.
The cigar was earlier was nice. Not one of the nicest made, Alex's was smoother, but I still liked it. A nice, spicy, smoky kick sort of thing. Alex says cigars are stimulants, and I guess I was buzzing a bit earlier, but KI've totally crashed now. It's pleasant periodically. My second ever. There be photos on facebook now, and that was mostly because 'I have my camera and I'm not just sitting around my living room anymore.
Alright, now that the happiness is past, I'm losing it and the person I want to talk to keeps not answering their phone. MY stress levels are incredible high right now and they're rising with every passing day. I'm trying not to lose it, but I can't help it. Erratic sleeping habits, poor diet and stress are not helping my stress issues at all. Raging hormones and being angry at my father are not helping anything. I'd love to chat with a friend, I need someone who can advise me. I need a hung. I'm getting whiny and depressed. I'm damn near prepared to pull my hair out. I also happen to quite like my hair where it is, on my fucking head, attached!
I'm annoyed, I'm unhappy, and I'd really like to get a fucking hug from someone who cares. Someone who isn't my brother. This is sad, I'm quite a pathetic basket case right now. Tomorrow I might need to stay in my room all day. I need to fucking get a hold of myself. I need to figure out when I'm terrible on my own. Damn being alone right now. Damn not being strong enough to keep myself together. I knew this was coming. I know what's going on and I don't have what I've had to help it. I want my usual means of help, but certain circumstances are keeping me from what I crave, need, desire. I use that triplet of necessity often.
Need. Crave. Desire.
Those three things that I can't do anything on my own to remedy. Why am I so weak now? Why can't I put all my concerns into words? Or is it that I won't? Well, I have, but that's been hand written and it's not worth transcribing.
I can't wait until this all passes. I'll feel better then, and I won't be on the verge of losing it every day.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
I'm PMSing, I'm depressed. I'm losing it. I'm also getting sleepy as hell.
The cigar was earlier was nice. Not one of the nicest made, Alex's was smoother, but I still liked it. A nice, spicy, smoky kick sort of thing. Alex says cigars are stimulants, and I guess I was buzzing a bit earlier, but KI've totally crashed now. It's pleasant periodically. My second ever. There be photos on facebook now, and that was mostly because 'I have my camera and I'm not just sitting around my living room anymore.
Alright, now that the happiness is past, I'm losing it and the person I want to talk to keeps not answering their phone. MY stress levels are incredible high right now and they're rising with every passing day. I'm trying not to lose it, but I can't help it. Erratic sleeping habits, poor diet and stress are not helping my stress issues at all. Raging hormones and being angry at my father are not helping anything. I'd love to chat with a friend, I need someone who can advise me. I need a hung. I'm getting whiny and depressed. I'm damn near prepared to pull my hair out. I also happen to quite like my hair where it is, on my fucking head, attached!
I'm annoyed, I'm unhappy, and I'd really like to get a fucking hug from someone who cares. Someone who isn't my brother. This is sad, I'm quite a pathetic basket case right now. Tomorrow I might need to stay in my room all day. I need to fucking get a hold of myself. I need to figure out when I'm terrible on my own. Damn being alone right now. Damn not being strong enough to keep myself together. I knew this was coming. I know what's going on and I don't have what I've had to help it. I want my usual means of help, but certain circumstances are keeping me from what I crave, need, desire. I use that triplet of necessity often.
Need. Crave. Desire.
Those three things that I can't do anything on my own to remedy. Why am I so weak now? Why can't I put all my concerns into words? Or is it that I won't? Well, I have, but that's been hand written and it's not worth transcribing.
I can't wait until this all passes. I'll feel better then, and I won't be on the verge of losing it every day.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
May 26, 2008
It's Takes Love to keep This Boat in the Air. If You Love Her She'll Continue to Sail Even When She Should Fall Out of the Sky
'A house is not a home without a family. Families are made of more than blood.'
At the moment, my bloodless Norfolk Family is exactly who I want to be around. I think it's the unending devotion we have for one another and the fact that we don't question each other and accept our motives and personalities. We are who we are and we're all fine with that. I want that sort of acceptance and free love that I'm not getting here. I also want the qualities of love and free acception that I'm missing here. I want all the jokes and the games that just are amongst us. I need somebody who will just listen to me, have no hidden motives and give me advice. I mean, I have people here for that, but there is something more that people from Norfolk have that I crave and need.
I can't fit everything I want or need into sensical words for this, but I do understand what it is that I crave. I crave my Bloodless Family because we are all just so perfect together. Our perversions and psychosis, our morality and honorability, our talents and faults. They're the full unquestioned package that combined make up stronger. Where one is weak, another is strong and together we're a force to be reckoned with.
As to the family aspect of it, I wrote this out more and better last night, but this will have to do. I don't feel attached or wanted by my family half the time and I'm entirely ready to seriously become estranged from my father. He's angered me too many times and things aren't working. I think we need to stop and try again when he's mature enough to meet me on the level that I'm at. My eldest brother and I don't really interact so I have no real issue with leaving. He makes me feel not welcome in my own home. It's OUR house and I look out for me first because I know neither you nor Dorien will. Dorien's not quite so bad, but still, we all have our own agendas my Miguel has issues with me that are long standing. I don't know why he can't stand me, and I'm not one to back down to a challenge. I'll step up and defend myself if nothing else. I'll defend my life and my rights. I'll make my counter offensive and live my life as best I can.
I don't think this went anywhere I wanted it to, but that's fine.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
At the moment, my bloodless Norfolk Family is exactly who I want to be around. I think it's the unending devotion we have for one another and the fact that we don't question each other and accept our motives and personalities. We are who we are and we're all fine with that. I want that sort of acceptance and free love that I'm not getting here. I also want the qualities of love and free acception that I'm missing here. I want all the jokes and the games that just are amongst us. I need somebody who will just listen to me, have no hidden motives and give me advice. I mean, I have people here for that, but there is something more that people from Norfolk have that I crave and need.
I can't fit everything I want or need into sensical words for this, but I do understand what it is that I crave. I crave my Bloodless Family because we are all just so perfect together. Our perversions and psychosis, our morality and honorability, our talents and faults. They're the full unquestioned package that combined make up stronger. Where one is weak, another is strong and together we're a force to be reckoned with.
As to the family aspect of it, I wrote this out more and better last night, but this will have to do. I don't feel attached or wanted by my family half the time and I'm entirely ready to seriously become estranged from my father. He's angered me too many times and things aren't working. I think we need to stop and try again when he's mature enough to meet me on the level that I'm at. My eldest brother and I don't really interact so I have no real issue with leaving. He makes me feel not welcome in my own home. It's OUR house and I look out for me first because I know neither you nor Dorien will. Dorien's not quite so bad, but still, we all have our own agendas my Miguel has issues with me that are long standing. I don't know why he can't stand me, and I'm not one to back down to a challenge. I'll step up and defend myself if nothing else. I'll defend my life and my rights. I'll make my counter offensive and live my life as best I can.
I don't think this went anywhere I wanted it to, but that's fine.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
April 20, 2008
Right Here, Right Now
I am currently incredibly stressed out and I can't write what I need to to save my life, or better yet, my English grade. I am stressed over work, over classes and over my desire to not be alone but the fact that i am. I want to be loved. I want some to love also. I want and miss my mother right now. I am on edge, I feel discontent, my knee is hurting again, I'm just all over the place in a bad way and I don't know just how much longer I'll be able to handle it. I can't draw anything worth drawing, but I do love my pen drawing that I'm calling 'Beautiful'. It's not the first time that commentary's been mad, but that's not the point. There is a bit of a follow up piece, but the second one didn't work right, so it needs to be drawn over and in a way that it makes sense.
Back to me and how broken I am. Heh, broken is the right way to describe it. I'm not right. I cry for no reason, the tears just pour from my eyes. I ignore them as they trail down my face. I do and don't want to be around people. I do and don't want to talk. I need someone to ask the right questions so I can get to the answers that keep alluding me so.
I have figured out that there is no one I love at the moment. I have no crushes, but I do have speculation on people who I think may like or be interested in me, but I have no proof for any of my ideas. There are little things, but they're unfounded. I don't think that's what I want... i have no real proof for my reasoning other than a few odd little things that have stuck out in my mind. I have figured out that I am in dire desire for physical contact, be it a hug or just being physically close to someone else. I'd prefer the other person to be male, and I think I'm feeling a desire to be around men. To be around masculine energy, but it needs to be positive and not necessarily perverted. I don't really want to talk, I just want to be close to someone. I don't want to have to take on anyone else's stress and I can't handle anyone else's anger at the moment. I can't be receptive and understanding. I'm to guarded to put in the effort to he considerate. I don't want to be considerate either. I'm mopey and I want someone else to pay attention to me. I want someone to really try no matter how guarded I act. i want someone to put in the effort that I put in when they're upset or in a bad mood.
I want someone to love and someone to love me in return who will try as hard as I do to understand, to comprehend and to help. I'm losing myself in myself. I need the strength of someone else. I'm disgusted with myself. Where did my strength and independence go? Why do I feel the need to be so dependent on others that I feel lost when I'm alone. why do I feel the need to have my own emotions dictated by others? why am I so empathetic and around other who are near as empathetic as I that they can't see that everything I am at the moment is a lie, a facade to hind how I really feel.
i want someone to be able to see past the 'Jasmine' that is quiet, intelligent and strong to be able to see, hug, hold and help that much weaker Jasmine who hides inside. The part of me that wants help, but isn't near loud enough to be heard when she cries out for assistance. I am so guarded all the time that the outer me doesn't want the inner me to be heard, but the inner me must find a way to be heard by someone who can and will help. I don't want to be independent nor do i want to be dependent, I just want to be able to live at a nice moderate in between of strength that is given and received.
I want to be able to draw strength from another, but i can't find any who is able to give me that which I desire. I want to stop feeling the way I do. I want to be able to drawn, i want to be able to feel something other than massive and constant depression at the moment. Will this be gone after next Tuesday? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I knew where to find what I want and that what I wanted would find me. Even if it doesn't last long it would be better than nothing at the moment. I need to be less guarded so others can see what I mean, see how I really feel even though I hide. I need someone to understand the little signs. When I'm quiet, when I'd rather go off on my own even though normally I'd stay around others. When I'm not the me I usually am, when I'm sad and crying and feel so alone that I don't know what to do anymore. Fuck a knight in shining armor, I'd rather have a dork is comfortable clothing. He'd be much nicer to hold.
When will it be my time to not be alone. When will I be able to rely on someone and have them rely on me equally? Why must I wait so long for a taste of what I desire?
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
Back to me and how broken I am. Heh, broken is the right way to describe it. I'm not right. I cry for no reason, the tears just pour from my eyes. I ignore them as they trail down my face. I do and don't want to be around people. I do and don't want to talk. I need someone to ask the right questions so I can get to the answers that keep alluding me so.
I have figured out that there is no one I love at the moment. I have no crushes, but I do have speculation on people who I think may like or be interested in me, but I have no proof for any of my ideas. There are little things, but they're unfounded. I don't think that's what I want... i have no real proof for my reasoning other than a few odd little things that have stuck out in my mind. I have figured out that I am in dire desire for physical contact, be it a hug or just being physically close to someone else. I'd prefer the other person to be male, and I think I'm feeling a desire to be around men. To be around masculine energy, but it needs to be positive and not necessarily perverted. I don't really want to talk, I just want to be close to someone. I don't want to have to take on anyone else's stress and I can't handle anyone else's anger at the moment. I can't be receptive and understanding. I'm to guarded to put in the effort to he considerate. I don't want to be considerate either. I'm mopey and I want someone else to pay attention to me. I want someone to really try no matter how guarded I act. i want someone to put in the effort that I put in when they're upset or in a bad mood.
I want someone to love and someone to love me in return who will try as hard as I do to understand, to comprehend and to help. I'm losing myself in myself. I need the strength of someone else. I'm disgusted with myself. Where did my strength and independence go? Why do I feel the need to be so dependent on others that I feel lost when I'm alone. why do I feel the need to have my own emotions dictated by others? why am I so empathetic and around other who are near as empathetic as I that they can't see that everything I am at the moment is a lie, a facade to hind how I really feel.
i want someone to be able to see past the 'Jasmine' that is quiet, intelligent and strong to be able to see, hug, hold and help that much weaker Jasmine who hides inside. The part of me that wants help, but isn't near loud enough to be heard when she cries out for assistance. I am so guarded all the time that the outer me doesn't want the inner me to be heard, but the inner me must find a way to be heard by someone who can and will help. I don't want to be independent nor do i want to be dependent, I just want to be able to live at a nice moderate in between of strength that is given and received.
I want to be able to draw strength from another, but i can't find any who is able to give me that which I desire. I want to stop feeling the way I do. I want to be able to drawn, i want to be able to feel something other than massive and constant depression at the moment. Will this be gone after next Tuesday? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I knew where to find what I want and that what I wanted would find me. Even if it doesn't last long it would be better than nothing at the moment. I need to be less guarded so others can see what I mean, see how I really feel even though I hide. I need someone to understand the little signs. When I'm quiet, when I'd rather go off on my own even though normally I'd stay around others. When I'm not the me I usually am, when I'm sad and crying and feel so alone that I don't know what to do anymore. Fuck a knight in shining armor, I'd rather have a dork is comfortable clothing. He'd be much nicer to hold.
When will it be my time to not be alone. When will I be able to rely on someone and have them rely on me equally? Why must I wait so long for a taste of what I desire?
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
April 1, 2008
Friends.
Friend. Friends. Friendships.
I keep saying to my college buddies that they should meet some of my high school buddies, and vice versa. Trust me, i wouldn't say something like that lightly. I value my friends a hell of a lot more than any of them realize so saying i want them to meet is a big deal in my mind. There are just people whom i think would work out well together, and other whom i think it'd be interesting if they met. Amusing even. this is also up there with the fact that I want to stay connected with everyone. It's not that much fun that any/all time we end up spending together back home is half trying to fill in people in funny things from the past semester. But the problem with living in the present with people you don't see for any time from one month to three is that we all grow and change. The jokes are old and the new jokes make no sense.
Only two people get and will laugh if I jut my bottom row of teeth out tuck my upper lip behind them. A hand full of people with get it if I say 'thuper arthistic' and having to designate all people with repeat names gets old sometimes, but every one i knew before college is still important to me because of how much i grew from hanging out with them. But the people from college are also important because there is another aspect of life to look at, different growth and more changes.
Part of what i'm saying is that I don't like living in the past for daydreaming about the future when i'll see people who aren't around every day. It's be cool if everyone knew one another, but I'm fine with that not being the case, but what i think i really want to change the most is how much interaction I still have with people who aren't right next to me.
I seriously don't want to lose my old friend connections due to the fact that we're all a few hours away from one another. There are reasons for my phone calls and for my not leaving a message. I hate answering machines and truly only leave messages if I think it's absolutely necessary. I'd rather get in contact with you than with your voice mail.
I don't know. I just want some sort of assurance that in ten years that when I think about people from now that it's not just in the past tense, but also in the present and future with what we'll be doing when we still hang out. I don't want a guarantee because broken promises are more painful and annoying to deal with, but even a compromise that we'll both try not to seriously lose touch with one another is good enough to please me.
i want to be 20 years, 30 years meet up with you and know we'll still be friends enough that the meetings won't be awkward. i want to be close enough still that when we talk about what we were, are like at 18, 19, 20 that we can all laugh and share the stupid secrets we can't say now. i want to be able to say, 'that's my friend on stage' then go back stage in the theater and see you. All of you, or say 'I was there when they filmed that' or something stupid.
I'm no so much afraid of not meeting new people, but I want to stay in contact with people from now so that in the future other friends I have may be able to meet some of you also and will be able to hear the stupid stories i won't tell them. There will have to be someone to tell my kids about the stupid things i did in college, from stay up for 72+ hours with another friend to late night peep-jousting and whatever the hell else I do in my future years here.
I want my college and high school friends to meet so they can then understand how I've changed and what they all mean to me. That's something I'll never be able to fully express nor explain, but I want people to meet so when i tell the stories there's something more than my photos of what happened to tell the stories, but also actually meeting ...
i don't know how to finish this. I've sort of lost my train of thought, but i think you all get the message. i don't want to lose you no matter how much time passes. We can change and whatever, but if we can still kick back, play some Wii and reminisce about when it came out and what we're like now that's cool.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
I keep saying to my college buddies that they should meet some of my high school buddies, and vice versa. Trust me, i wouldn't say something like that lightly. I value my friends a hell of a lot more than any of them realize so saying i want them to meet is a big deal in my mind. There are just people whom i think would work out well together, and other whom i think it'd be interesting if they met. Amusing even. this is also up there with the fact that I want to stay connected with everyone. It's not that much fun that any/all time we end up spending together back home is half trying to fill in people in funny things from the past semester. But the problem with living in the present with people you don't see for any time from one month to three is that we all grow and change. The jokes are old and the new jokes make no sense.
Only two people get and will laugh if I jut my bottom row of teeth out tuck my upper lip behind them. A hand full of people with get it if I say 'thuper arthistic' and having to designate all people with repeat names gets old sometimes, but every one i knew before college is still important to me because of how much i grew from hanging out with them. But the people from college are also important because there is another aspect of life to look at, different growth and more changes.
Part of what i'm saying is that I don't like living in the past for daydreaming about the future when i'll see people who aren't around every day. It's be cool if everyone knew one another, but I'm fine with that not being the case, but what i think i really want to change the most is how much interaction I still have with people who aren't right next to me.
I seriously don't want to lose my old friend connections due to the fact that we're all a few hours away from one another. There are reasons for my phone calls and for my not leaving a message. I hate answering machines and truly only leave messages if I think it's absolutely necessary. I'd rather get in contact with you than with your voice mail.
I don't know. I just want some sort of assurance that in ten years that when I think about people from now that it's not just in the past tense, but also in the present and future with what we'll be doing when we still hang out. I don't want a guarantee because broken promises are more painful and annoying to deal with, but even a compromise that we'll both try not to seriously lose touch with one another is good enough to please me.
i want to be 20 years, 30 years meet up with you and know we'll still be friends enough that the meetings won't be awkward. i want to be close enough still that when we talk about what we were, are like at 18, 19, 20 that we can all laugh and share the stupid secrets we can't say now. i want to be able to say, 'that's my friend on stage' then go back stage in the theater and see you. All of you, or say 'I was there when they filmed that' or something stupid.
I'm no so much afraid of not meeting new people, but I want to stay in contact with people from now so that in the future other friends I have may be able to meet some of you also and will be able to hear the stupid stories i won't tell them. There will have to be someone to tell my kids about the stupid things i did in college, from stay up for 72+ hours with another friend to late night peep-jousting and whatever the hell else I do in my future years here.
I want my college and high school friends to meet so they can then understand how I've changed and what they all mean to me. That's something I'll never be able to fully express nor explain, but I want people to meet so when i tell the stories there's something more than my photos of what happened to tell the stories, but also actually meeting ...
i don't know how to finish this. I've sort of lost my train of thought, but i think you all get the message. i don't want to lose you no matter how much time passes. We can change and whatever, but if we can still kick back, play some Wii and reminisce about when it came out and what we're like now that's cool.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
January 29, 2008
Restless
I dunno. At the moment I feel incredibly restless and irritable. I'm upset about something that's only in my head and it's just a bitch. I'm upset about how a friend of mine is acting. After knowing him for the few months that I have known him I can easily understand how he acts. I understand how he acts around many women. I think I feel bad because I'm not the person he'd give up time for. I guess it's a type of heart break...mixed in with PMSing, and at the moment I don't want to be alone, and per usual the people I'd rather not be alone around are busy.
So, to elaborate a bit on how I see the situation, said friend gets next to, hangs out and makes time for specific people at a time. I think it's pretty much an 'instant crush' sort of deal, except for him, unlike it being at the time of meeting, it's when the current 'crush' has moved on. I think it's between a crush and like a fascination. I dunno, but I don't think it's so much that fact that it isn't me anymore, it's the fact that it's a mutual friend, my best friend, so I don't have anyone to distract me from myself, and I am the most dangerous person for me to be alone with.
I think this will pass soon, but right now, at this minute, it's just frustrating, and I'm trying not to cry from feeling alone. I think one of these days I'll go out on a limb and 'meet somebody'. I mean this a a perennial complaint and wish that I would have someone who I could go to all the time, no questions asked and just chill with. I'm fantasizing at the moment about having someone and I don't think that' really helping my cause any, so I think I need to just go and find somebody. That's a weird turn fo phrase to just go 'meet' or to 'find somebody' how do people ever know what they're looking for. I know people with interesting outward appearances but kick ass personalities and people who look all kick ass and cool, but really aren't. I'm much more than one of those types of people who only want a person's look, I want more, I need something substantial. But I also wonder if that's the type of person I'll ultimately end up with. I mean, people talk about not ending up with the type of person they always thought they'd marry, but being truly happy with them, so what if it's the same with me?
I've thought about the criterion that I want filled, and I think in the long run is that I want someone whom I consider a superior because I want to be able to seriously reply on them to be mature when I'm not so mature, and so I can be taken care of on days like to day when I just want to not be alone. I have someone to hug and lay all up on and in general not be so distant to. I dislike the fact that I feel a desire to be so dependent on someone else, but I also think that's what I want, to be able to be so dependent every once in a while. To be pampered. But I also want someone intelligent so I can have an intellectual challenge. Not to play stupid word games with all the time, but someone I have debate with over things, but can also see the intelligence and the intellect in something that I find to be clever and amusing.
After getting my bearings, I feel better, but I still don't want to be alone. I know what I want, but I don't know how to find it. Fuck using some dating group. I can find someone suitable without the help of lame want ads and the like.
God, this is seriously just the PMS talking. I can't wait this this is over and I'm not feeling so melancholy.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
So, to elaborate a bit on how I see the situation, said friend gets next to, hangs out and makes time for specific people at a time. I think it's pretty much an 'instant crush' sort of deal, except for him, unlike it being at the time of meeting, it's when the current 'crush' has moved on. I think it's between a crush and like a fascination. I dunno, but I don't think it's so much that fact that it isn't me anymore, it's the fact that it's a mutual friend, my best friend, so I don't have anyone to distract me from myself, and I am the most dangerous person for me to be alone with.
I think this will pass soon, but right now, at this minute, it's just frustrating, and I'm trying not to cry from feeling alone. I think one of these days I'll go out on a limb and 'meet somebody'. I mean this a a perennial complaint and wish that I would have someone who I could go to all the time, no questions asked and just chill with. I'm fantasizing at the moment about having someone and I don't think that' really helping my cause any, so I think I need to just go and find somebody. That's a weird turn fo phrase to just go 'meet' or to 'find somebody' how do people ever know what they're looking for. I know people with interesting outward appearances but kick ass personalities and people who look all kick ass and cool, but really aren't. I'm much more than one of those types of people who only want a person's look, I want more, I need something substantial. But I also wonder if that's the type of person I'll ultimately end up with. I mean, people talk about not ending up with the type of person they always thought they'd marry, but being truly happy with them, so what if it's the same with me?
I've thought about the criterion that I want filled, and I think in the long run is that I want someone whom I consider a superior because I want to be able to seriously reply on them to be mature when I'm not so mature, and so I can be taken care of on days like to day when I just want to not be alone. I have someone to hug and lay all up on and in general not be so distant to. I dislike the fact that I feel a desire to be so dependent on someone else, but I also think that's what I want, to be able to be so dependent every once in a while. To be pampered. But I also want someone intelligent so I can have an intellectual challenge. Not to play stupid word games with all the time, but someone I have debate with over things, but can also see the intelligence and the intellect in something that I find to be clever and amusing.
After getting my bearings, I feel better, but I still don't want to be alone. I know what I want, but I don't know how to find it. Fuck using some dating group. I can find someone suitable without the help of lame want ads and the like.
God, this is seriously just the PMS talking. I can't wait this this is over and I'm not feeling so melancholy.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
November 26, 2007
What I Want
I want some one to think I'm special. Someone who values me and loves me. I want someone to love, and someone to love me back, just as much if not more. I don't want to be alone. I'm such a freakin' romantic, but I want this person to know me. I want it to be some one who understands and accepts me as I am. I want someone I can focus massive amounts of attention on and not be called a stalker, someone I can monopolize and spend time with. Someone who keeps me calm and will just listen to my insane ramblings, sometimes encouraging them, other times hindering them. I want someone. I want to be loved and know I'm being loved as more than a friend. I want someone I can just chill with, lay with be absolutely comfortable with. I want someone I can confide in at any/all hours, someone to take care of me. I want someone to take care of, someone who will rant and vent to me so I can comfort them. I want someone to touch and hold and to not have to make up some weird excuse to do so.
I just plain want.
I just plain want.
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