Disclaimer(?): I'm not trying to sounds vain here, but this is what I've experienced from having "above 'average' intelligence" in school and the education system. Long story short, it fucks you up, or it just fucks me up, we'll see.
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So, it's pretty common knowledge now that schools and school systems test the shit out of children every year to find out who's 'gifted and talented (GT)', to find out who has the ability for more abstract thinking than their peers, so they can put them in classes to challenge and strengthen this type of thinking. This is relatively easy to do because there are a metric shit-ton of other tests going on generally if you tell a kid they have to take a test, they'll do what you ask.
Well, this is what it was like for me 15 years ago in elementary school when more parents told their kids to sit down and shut up, as opposed to now where it's always a compromise between parent and child. Also 15 years ago when it's not like children weren't respected and spoken to on their level by their teacher, but their teachers found ways to deal with them and it was closer to 1 in 15 being on Ritalin, or something else for ADD, as opposed to 1 in 5.
This isn't about that, this is about being an 'advanced thinker' and having people acknowledge that you're not 'average.'
Yes, as a kid I was proud to learn that I was 'intelligent' enough to be put into a special class for people who understood in second grade why triangles and domes are stronger than straight lines; in a class where in fourth grade I decided to use 'queer' by it's proper dictionary definition. Only odd thing about use of 'queer' is other people in my class laughing so it showed a part of my out-of-the-loop-ness that happens every now and again because I'd only ever known queer to mean something was strange or odd and not an insult to homosexual people.
But I digress. I'm saying from a young age, what...about 8 when I started in the 'advanced' classes in second grade, I was told I was different. I was told I was smarter than my peers. This information went straight to my head, giving me my inflated ego. I mean, who at the age of 8 wouldn't be all over the fact that they were 'better' than someone else? Also, to be honest, I enjoyed the GT course for a few reasons: it got me out of regular class once a week, what we did was interesting, and I was told I was better than other people. (Aside: maybe this started my superiority complex...) Third grade I went to a different elementary school where the entire class was GT, we were doing fourth grade work. Aspects of that year sucked, not the work so much as the school, not an encouraging environment so I went back to my original elementary school. I did get to raise chicks in my third grade class, an now I'm wondering what happened to the chickens and roosters. I don't know why I never did ask that question.
I went back to my primary elementary school for my last three years and went back to a 'pull out' GT program. In middle school I was in a GT program all day, every day, except this time it was called the IBMYP- the International Baccalaureate Middle Years Program. Upper level thinking, reading, writing all the time now. I've been taught MLA citation format ever since the seventh grade started. It also introduced me to who would be in most of my classes for the next six years. Seriously, my school system didn't lock down the IB program, in high school at least, but it was fairly contained. Many people took more than one IB class so it was fairly common on the first day of class to see about 1/3 of your first period class also in your second period class. I mean, my graduating class was something around 300-350 students. Of that number I think we had about 75 get the IB diploma, and another 100 or so get one or more IB certificates for the individual IB exams they passed.
Well, I've spent much of my time chronicling my education and what it was like, kind of. We all knew each other, would cheat off of each other and had been told we were special, smart for many years. We got to read multiple banned books over the years. Hell, I think at least one of my teachers tried for everything to be banned, and not just by religious groups, but by anyone. It made for interesting reading to say the least.
As I was saying earlier, sometimes being 'smart/er' sucked. I got tired of hearing "you're too smart to be failing" or "you're smart, so if you only applied yourself..." That shit never helps, it makes it worse because I'm already irritated that I wasn't passing, I don't need to be reminded that I'm failing, generally for stupid reasons. I said I was never good in a quiet environment, and my ability to focus is a bit worse when I'm in a quiet room because then I start making my own music for entertainment instead of drifting in and out of ignoring music that's playing while I do something. Hell, I've got music playing while I write this and I'm writing alright. I was never good at tests, in testing situation because it was always unnaturally quiet. It was a forced heavy silence, like an extended pregnant silence. Since it felt uncomfortable it distracted me more than noise might have.
Showing you were smart as a kid was just as bad as failing. I have been told 'You speak good English' many times. Every time I smile and say 'thank you' while inside I respond 'you don't.' Every time. I have been called articulate many times, my cousin told me I spoke like 'white people,' but he doesn't use proper grammar or pronunciation, I think he was trying to make fun of me, not to sure though. I was a reader as a kid, I still am. I actively seek out controversial, weird or interesting things to read. When I read comics I like something that questions or critiques our culture, same goes with novels and film. I also turn around and love and appreciate much lower brow humour. I enjoy The Shawshank Redemption just as much as I enjoy Tropic Thunder or The Fifth Element. Yes, Tropic Thunder does have more to it than the explosions and the silly, but that's what people see. I like explosions and boom! I like talking and critiquing, I like getting and understanding 'smart' things and enjoying 'not-smart (?)' things.
With what I've said I still haven't quite gotten to my point. The biggest flaw in being smart if knowing that you're smart. You want to be recognized as such when you succeed and when you don't you don't want people to think too hard about it because it's salt in the wound. There are things I've realized, things I know about myself from sitting and dwelling on it. I wonder, how many people sit down and think about when they stop thinking of themselves as a kid, and actually think of themselves as an adult? I'm not talking about turning 18 or 21 and saying 'I can smoke, drink, vote and die for my country; I'm an adult.' I'm talking about how many people can actually acknowledge and articulate, to some degree, why they think of themselves now as an adult. While talking with Alex this weekend we spoke about this for a minute which drunk, but we both have come to the point in our lives where we're looking less to our parents for guidance and we both want to strike out on our own and forge our own paths. In my mind stopping and attempting to put into words a gradual change like that is a very heady thing to do, thinking and dwelling and focusing.
Being smart, intelligent, gifted has been my life in the education system. No one is more annoying than I am with myself for bad grades. When I try to explain my career plans to my family I can hear the disappointment in their voices when I say I don't want to go into science anymore. That doesn't bring me down as much as it annoys me when I say I want to work for myself, drawing my own comics. They keep trying to dissuade me thinking it's childish precociousness and it's not. They think it's about money, I'll find the money, getting money's the easy part. Working the job, the career, I really want is the hard part.
Want to know another shitty part about being smart? I know why I'm depressed almost every time. Usually it's some sort of 'I don't feel loved' bullshit. Every now and again it's about my mom being dead. Knowing I'm not at a point to forgive my father for all of his bullshit, or any of it, I know I'm not ready and I know why. He won't listen, he won't try to listen. He thinks of me as a child, I'm not a child anymore. I don't think I'm a young adult anymore, I just am an adult. I think I'm finally moving out of categorization limbo, now everyone I know needs to learn this so they don't think of me as less then I am.
See, that thought process right there, I want to be respected on my level; I want to be taken seriously on my level. Not everyone is on my level. I think ultimately that's why I drifted away from people from high school. Not just that they knew the 'old' me, but that they weren't really looking to be Adults yet, they were looking to be Young Adults. I've gone back to speaking with some of them and it seems things are leveling back out, we're reaching our next maturity level.
Jasmine P.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
June 15, 2010
February 16, 2009
Talent
I'm rubbing my back here for this, but my writing has time after time amazing and surprised me with just how well written things may be, or just how I say things.
The first time I noticed this was when I was proving some point for another and referenced my Flintstone Syndrome journal that I wrote last June or July. I was seriously stopped in my tracks when I read it. The writing surprised me because it was written at a level different from where I was. I mean, I know I'm a good writer, but I never re-read my work aside from a quick skim for major typos or grammatical brouhaha, but I never notice anything like this. I actually had to finish the journal just because I liked what I'd written so much.
I've been thinking about this for about a week off and on, and today I had another of those moments. It was one of those memes that's like '15 things about you' and i said "Death is the ultimate spoiler. Tell me how I'll die and I'll tell you how I'll live"
That just seemed like a poignant message. It was something written in the blink of an eye before, but now, it seems to have that much more weight to it. I don't know how, but I think it's an interesting display of my strength that I don't always feel. Seeing it so blatantly in front of my eyes, it's no wonder that I scare people. Now I seriously need to find someone who can compete with that strength. Match it as a perfect foil, keep it in check.
I dunno. I'm a mite distracted, and I got most of my point here. But this brings up another point of my journals. Some of them are incredibly unfullfilling because I end them when I lose focus. It's like running into a brick wall. But I also know that when I can't focus on them properly, the over all tone changes and then they become both a drag to read and a drag to write.
Anywho, I'll be back here...some other time. I finally have things to write, like about yesterday's tournament, but not now. I should start my paper before the night is over.
Jasmine P.
The first time I noticed this was when I was proving some point for another and referenced my Flintstone Syndrome journal that I wrote last June or July. I was seriously stopped in my tracks when I read it. The writing surprised me because it was written at a level different from where I was. I mean, I know I'm a good writer, but I never re-read my work aside from a quick skim for major typos or grammatical brouhaha, but I never notice anything like this. I actually had to finish the journal just because I liked what I'd written so much.
I've been thinking about this for about a week off and on, and today I had another of those moments. It was one of those memes that's like '15 things about you' and i said "Death is the ultimate spoiler. Tell me how I'll die and I'll tell you how I'll live"
That just seemed like a poignant message. It was something written in the blink of an eye before, but now, it seems to have that much more weight to it. I don't know how, but I think it's an interesting display of my strength that I don't always feel. Seeing it so blatantly in front of my eyes, it's no wonder that I scare people. Now I seriously need to find someone who can compete with that strength. Match it as a perfect foil, keep it in check.
I dunno. I'm a mite distracted, and I got most of my point here. But this brings up another point of my journals. Some of them are incredibly unfullfilling because I end them when I lose focus. It's like running into a brick wall. But I also know that when I can't focus on them properly, the over all tone changes and then they become both a drag to read and a drag to write.
Anywho, I'll be back here...some other time. I finally have things to write, like about yesterday's tournament, but not now. I should start my paper before the night is over.
Jasmine P.
December 15, 2008
Do Unto Others As You Would Want Them To Do Unto You
I haven't properly written anything out in a while, more than a month really. Well, I think there's one or two things on LJ or Facebook but ehh, those two journals don't get the same treatment as over here does. Twitter gets the truth most often, the deepest parts of my soul in only 160 characters. Well, 140, but 160 in a text, but that's neither here nor there.
I've figured out and decided that I'm at a major cross roads in my life and I've been here for a while. How long I cann0t tell but things are different. some times I'm a lot happier than I've been in a while, other times I'm somewhat listless and my attention span has been nowhere serious for the past few days. I think it's partially a very mild depression but I'm still moving away from where i used to be. i mean, this time last year I was crazed and ready to get the hell out of dodge. And I think a very little mite suicidal. I assume I'm true about that last assumption. i don't like that thought one little bit, but it might be a small part of my truth about life.
Considering I've spent so much time alone I've had a lot to think about without other people getting in the way. Apparently Firefox can't spell check anymore. fucking whore. blargle ggj ...joy. Back to the point, my technological assistance is apparently temporarily out, maybe because this window's been open for a while, and now I just plain have an internet error, joy.
Back to my life. Now, there are two guys who are apparently vying for attention in my mind. One of them works at Borjo and I know I won't say a damned thing to him, and i think he's in a relationship anyway. Okay, this is annoying. Time to refresh the fucking window. There, it's fixed, but back to the point, once more. The other guy I've never said a word to, but he does intrigue me and I do want to say something. Mostly tell him his hat is bitching, but even that apparently sends me a twitter and makes me confused and like an annoying girl. Interacting wiht strangers is quite annoying and American society does not make it any easier. Great, it's crapped out once more. Fuck you ODU internet. Yeah, I wish this were more of a spur of the moment thing and not something I've been thinking about saying all semester. I'm a weird one. Chance are I'll say this, then it'll be another person on my 'hi-bye' roster of acquaintances. No big deal.
On to more stupidity that's been running through my head. I am currently obsessing of the TV show Psych. I think a rabid obsession has been missing from my life. I haven't really been focused on anything for a while and even with my faulty attention span from the past few days, I have been enjoying the show and the commentary and have tried to draw James Roday and Dule Hill. James is much more of a challenge, and he is now on my list of actors it would be bitching to meet. Well included in this list is the even awesome RDJ, Johnny Depp, and Morgan Freeman to remind myself of a few of the celebs I would love to meet. Hell, I would love to film an episode of Psych. 'Guest starring a random fan!' Bomb diggity.
I don't know where I'm going right now and I think that's why I had to spend some time alone, so I could get a proper handle on myself and what I need. I don't know how to fix me and getting a boyfriend is a bit of a pipe dream still. Pipe dream territory is never fun.
Now's not the time for my to do my big 'it's the end of the year' thing. I kind of did that for my birthday when I said 'i'm not dead yet' but maybe this time I'll wait until January and just have my big 'changing of the year' thing ring in the next year instead of shutting down the old one. God, this new mp3 player recharges is no time. From no batter to almost full in about 45min. Gold.
I'm sure this has accomplished something important to me, but I'm not sure of what it is quite yet. The point is to be theraputic and I'm not sure how useful this one was. Probably more than I realize at this moment, but it's not as useful as my last conversation with Alex. But nothingis near as useful as any of those, except for face-to-face interaction.
Jasmine P.
I've figured out and decided that I'm at a major cross roads in my life and I've been here for a while. How long I cann0t tell but things are different. some times I'm a lot happier than I've been in a while, other times I'm somewhat listless and my attention span has been nowhere serious for the past few days. I think it's partially a very mild depression but I'm still moving away from where i used to be. i mean, this time last year I was crazed and ready to get the hell out of dodge. And I think a very little mite suicidal. I assume I'm true about that last assumption. i don't like that thought one little bit, but it might be a small part of my truth about life.
Considering I've spent so much time alone I've had a lot to think about without other people getting in the way. Apparently Firefox can't spell check anymore. fucking whore. blargle ggj ...joy. Back to the point, my technological assistance is apparently temporarily out, maybe because this window's been open for a while, and now I just plain have an internet error, joy.
Back to my life. Now, there are two guys who are apparently vying for attention in my mind. One of them works at Borjo and I know I won't say a damned thing to him, and i think he's in a relationship anyway. Okay, this is annoying. Time to refresh the fucking window. There, it's fixed, but back to the point, once more. The other guy I've never said a word to, but he does intrigue me and I do want to say something. Mostly tell him his hat is bitching, but even that apparently sends me a twitter and makes me confused and like an annoying girl. Interacting wiht strangers is quite annoying and American society does not make it any easier. Great, it's crapped out once more. Fuck you ODU internet. Yeah, I wish this were more of a spur of the moment thing and not something I've been thinking about saying all semester. I'm a weird one. Chance are I'll say this, then it'll be another person on my 'hi-bye' roster of acquaintances. No big deal.
On to more stupidity that's been running through my head. I am currently obsessing of the TV show Psych. I think a rabid obsession has been missing from my life. I haven't really been focused on anything for a while and even with my faulty attention span from the past few days, I have been enjoying the show and the commentary and have tried to draw James Roday and Dule Hill. James is much more of a challenge, and he is now on my list of actors it would be bitching to meet. Well included in this list is the even awesome RDJ, Johnny Depp, and Morgan Freeman to remind myself of a few of the celebs I would love to meet. Hell, I would love to film an episode of Psych. 'Guest starring a random fan!' Bomb diggity.
I don't know where I'm going right now and I think that's why I had to spend some time alone, so I could get a proper handle on myself and what I need. I don't know how to fix me and getting a boyfriend is a bit of a pipe dream still. Pipe dream territory is never fun.
Now's not the time for my to do my big 'it's the end of the year' thing. I kind of did that for my birthday when I said 'i'm not dead yet' but maybe this time I'll wait until January and just have my big 'changing of the year' thing ring in the next year instead of shutting down the old one. God, this new mp3 player recharges is no time. From no batter to almost full in about 45min. Gold.
I'm sure this has accomplished something important to me, but I'm not sure of what it is quite yet. The point is to be theraputic and I'm not sure how useful this one was. Probably more than I realize at this moment, but it's not as useful as my last conversation with Alex. But nothingis near as useful as any of those, except for face-to-face interaction.
Jasmine P.
October 18, 2008
Change
To fill in the blanks from the beginning, if for nothing, my terrible memory. On Monday, I decided to ask this guy out. His response is 'maybe' then we talk about other things. We happen to not see each other until Wednesday night, when he agrees to try going out with me. I'm happy, but things between us don't seem any different, in any way shape or form. This is what happens upon question him. [originally a letter to Za]
Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.
I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.
Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.
I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.
I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.
In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.
I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.
Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.
-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.
Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.
Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.
I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.
Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.
I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.
I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.
In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.
I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.
Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.
-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.
Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.
April 1, 2008
Friends.
Friend. Friends. Friendships.
I keep saying to my college buddies that they should meet some of my high school buddies, and vice versa. Trust me, i wouldn't say something like that lightly. I value my friends a hell of a lot more than any of them realize so saying i want them to meet is a big deal in my mind. There are just people whom i think would work out well together, and other whom i think it'd be interesting if they met. Amusing even. this is also up there with the fact that I want to stay connected with everyone. It's not that much fun that any/all time we end up spending together back home is half trying to fill in people in funny things from the past semester. But the problem with living in the present with people you don't see for any time from one month to three is that we all grow and change. The jokes are old and the new jokes make no sense.
Only two people get and will laugh if I jut my bottom row of teeth out tuck my upper lip behind them. A hand full of people with get it if I say 'thuper arthistic' and having to designate all people with repeat names gets old sometimes, but every one i knew before college is still important to me because of how much i grew from hanging out with them. But the people from college are also important because there is another aspect of life to look at, different growth and more changes.
Part of what i'm saying is that I don't like living in the past for daydreaming about the future when i'll see people who aren't around every day. It's be cool if everyone knew one another, but I'm fine with that not being the case, but what i think i really want to change the most is how much interaction I still have with people who aren't right next to me.
I seriously don't want to lose my old friend connections due to the fact that we're all a few hours away from one another. There are reasons for my phone calls and for my not leaving a message. I hate answering machines and truly only leave messages if I think it's absolutely necessary. I'd rather get in contact with you than with your voice mail.
I don't know. I just want some sort of assurance that in ten years that when I think about people from now that it's not just in the past tense, but also in the present and future with what we'll be doing when we still hang out. I don't want a guarantee because broken promises are more painful and annoying to deal with, but even a compromise that we'll both try not to seriously lose touch with one another is good enough to please me.
i want to be 20 years, 30 years meet up with you and know we'll still be friends enough that the meetings won't be awkward. i want to be close enough still that when we talk about what we were, are like at 18, 19, 20 that we can all laugh and share the stupid secrets we can't say now. i want to be able to say, 'that's my friend on stage' then go back stage in the theater and see you. All of you, or say 'I was there when they filmed that' or something stupid.
I'm no so much afraid of not meeting new people, but I want to stay in contact with people from now so that in the future other friends I have may be able to meet some of you also and will be able to hear the stupid stories i won't tell them. There will have to be someone to tell my kids about the stupid things i did in college, from stay up for 72+ hours with another friend to late night peep-jousting and whatever the hell else I do in my future years here.
I want my college and high school friends to meet so they can then understand how I've changed and what they all mean to me. That's something I'll never be able to fully express nor explain, but I want people to meet so when i tell the stories there's something more than my photos of what happened to tell the stories, but also actually meeting ...
i don't know how to finish this. I've sort of lost my train of thought, but i think you all get the message. i don't want to lose you no matter how much time passes. We can change and whatever, but if we can still kick back, play some Wii and reminisce about when it came out and what we're like now that's cool.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
I keep saying to my college buddies that they should meet some of my high school buddies, and vice versa. Trust me, i wouldn't say something like that lightly. I value my friends a hell of a lot more than any of them realize so saying i want them to meet is a big deal in my mind. There are just people whom i think would work out well together, and other whom i think it'd be interesting if they met. Amusing even. this is also up there with the fact that I want to stay connected with everyone. It's not that much fun that any/all time we end up spending together back home is half trying to fill in people in funny things from the past semester. But the problem with living in the present with people you don't see for any time from one month to three is that we all grow and change. The jokes are old and the new jokes make no sense.
Only two people get and will laugh if I jut my bottom row of teeth out tuck my upper lip behind them. A hand full of people with get it if I say 'thuper arthistic' and having to designate all people with repeat names gets old sometimes, but every one i knew before college is still important to me because of how much i grew from hanging out with them. But the people from college are also important because there is another aspect of life to look at, different growth and more changes.
Part of what i'm saying is that I don't like living in the past for daydreaming about the future when i'll see people who aren't around every day. It's be cool if everyone knew one another, but I'm fine with that not being the case, but what i think i really want to change the most is how much interaction I still have with people who aren't right next to me.
I seriously don't want to lose my old friend connections due to the fact that we're all a few hours away from one another. There are reasons for my phone calls and for my not leaving a message. I hate answering machines and truly only leave messages if I think it's absolutely necessary. I'd rather get in contact with you than with your voice mail.
I don't know. I just want some sort of assurance that in ten years that when I think about people from now that it's not just in the past tense, but also in the present and future with what we'll be doing when we still hang out. I don't want a guarantee because broken promises are more painful and annoying to deal with, but even a compromise that we'll both try not to seriously lose touch with one another is good enough to please me.
i want to be 20 years, 30 years meet up with you and know we'll still be friends enough that the meetings won't be awkward. i want to be close enough still that when we talk about what we were, are like at 18, 19, 20 that we can all laugh and share the stupid secrets we can't say now. i want to be able to say, 'that's my friend on stage' then go back stage in the theater and see you. All of you, or say 'I was there when they filmed that' or something stupid.
I'm no so much afraid of not meeting new people, but I want to stay in contact with people from now so that in the future other friends I have may be able to meet some of you also and will be able to hear the stupid stories i won't tell them. There will have to be someone to tell my kids about the stupid things i did in college, from stay up for 72+ hours with another friend to late night peep-jousting and whatever the hell else I do in my future years here.
I want my college and high school friends to meet so they can then understand how I've changed and what they all mean to me. That's something I'll never be able to fully express nor explain, but I want people to meet so when i tell the stories there's something more than my photos of what happened to tell the stories, but also actually meeting ...
i don't know how to finish this. I've sort of lost my train of thought, but i think you all get the message. i don't want to lose you no matter how much time passes. We can change and whatever, but if we can still kick back, play some Wii and reminisce about when it came out and what we're like now that's cool.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
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