Disclaimer(?): I'm not trying to sounds vain here, but this is what I've experienced from having "above 'average' intelligence" in school and the education system. Long story short, it fucks you up, or it just fucks me up, we'll see.
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So, it's pretty common knowledge now that schools and school systems test the shit out of children every year to find out who's 'gifted and talented (GT)', to find out who has the ability for more abstract thinking than their peers, so they can put them in classes to challenge and strengthen this type of thinking. This is relatively easy to do because there are a metric shit-ton of other tests going on generally if you tell a kid they have to take a test, they'll do what you ask.
Well, this is what it was like for me 15 years ago in elementary school when more parents told their kids to sit down and shut up, as opposed to now where it's always a compromise between parent and child. Also 15 years ago when it's not like children weren't respected and spoken to on their level by their teacher, but their teachers found ways to deal with them and it was closer to 1 in 15 being on Ritalin, or something else for ADD, as opposed to 1 in 5.
This isn't about that, this is about being an 'advanced thinker' and having people acknowledge that you're not 'average.'
Yes, as a kid I was proud to learn that I was 'intelligent' enough to be put into a special class for people who understood in second grade why triangles and domes are stronger than straight lines; in a class where in fourth grade I decided to use 'queer' by it's proper dictionary definition. Only odd thing about use of 'queer' is other people in my class laughing so it showed a part of my out-of-the-loop-ness that happens every now and again because I'd only ever known queer to mean something was strange or odd and not an insult to homosexual people.
But I digress. I'm saying from a young age, what...about 8 when I started in the 'advanced' classes in second grade, I was told I was different. I was told I was smarter than my peers. This information went straight to my head, giving me my inflated ego. I mean, who at the age of 8 wouldn't be all over the fact that they were 'better' than someone else? Also, to be honest, I enjoyed the GT course for a few reasons: it got me out of regular class once a week, what we did was interesting, and I was told I was better than other people. (Aside: maybe this started my superiority complex...) Third grade I went to a different elementary school where the entire class was GT, we were doing fourth grade work. Aspects of that year sucked, not the work so much as the school, not an encouraging environment so I went back to my original elementary school. I did get to raise chicks in my third grade class, an now I'm wondering what happened to the chickens and roosters. I don't know why I never did ask that question.
I went back to my primary elementary school for my last three years and went back to a 'pull out' GT program. In middle school I was in a GT program all day, every day, except this time it was called the IBMYP- the International Baccalaureate Middle Years Program. Upper level thinking, reading, writing all the time now. I've been taught MLA citation format ever since the seventh grade started. It also introduced me to who would be in most of my classes for the next six years. Seriously, my school system didn't lock down the IB program, in high school at least, but it was fairly contained. Many people took more than one IB class so it was fairly common on the first day of class to see about 1/3 of your first period class also in your second period class. I mean, my graduating class was something around 300-350 students. Of that number I think we had about 75 get the IB diploma, and another 100 or so get one or more IB certificates for the individual IB exams they passed.
Well, I've spent much of my time chronicling my education and what it was like, kind of. We all knew each other, would cheat off of each other and had been told we were special, smart for many years. We got to read multiple banned books over the years. Hell, I think at least one of my teachers tried for everything to be banned, and not just by religious groups, but by anyone. It made for interesting reading to say the least.
As I was saying earlier, sometimes being 'smart/er' sucked. I got tired of hearing "you're too smart to be failing" or "you're smart, so if you only applied yourself..." That shit never helps, it makes it worse because I'm already irritated that I wasn't passing, I don't need to be reminded that I'm failing, generally for stupid reasons. I said I was never good in a quiet environment, and my ability to focus is a bit worse when I'm in a quiet room because then I start making my own music for entertainment instead of drifting in and out of ignoring music that's playing while I do something. Hell, I've got music playing while I write this and I'm writing alright. I was never good at tests, in testing situation because it was always unnaturally quiet. It was a forced heavy silence, like an extended pregnant silence. Since it felt uncomfortable it distracted me more than noise might have.
Showing you were smart as a kid was just as bad as failing. I have been told 'You speak good English' many times. Every time I smile and say 'thank you' while inside I respond 'you don't.' Every time. I have been called articulate many times, my cousin told me I spoke like 'white people,' but he doesn't use proper grammar or pronunciation, I think he was trying to make fun of me, not to sure though. I was a reader as a kid, I still am. I actively seek out controversial, weird or interesting things to read. When I read comics I like something that questions or critiques our culture, same goes with novels and film. I also turn around and love and appreciate much lower brow humour. I enjoy The Shawshank Redemption just as much as I enjoy Tropic Thunder or The Fifth Element. Yes, Tropic Thunder does have more to it than the explosions and the silly, but that's what people see. I like explosions and boom! I like talking and critiquing, I like getting and understanding 'smart' things and enjoying 'not-smart (?)' things.
With what I've said I still haven't quite gotten to my point. The biggest flaw in being smart if knowing that you're smart. You want to be recognized as such when you succeed and when you don't you don't want people to think too hard about it because it's salt in the wound. There are things I've realized, things I know about myself from sitting and dwelling on it. I wonder, how many people sit down and think about when they stop thinking of themselves as a kid, and actually think of themselves as an adult? I'm not talking about turning 18 or 21 and saying 'I can smoke, drink, vote and die for my country; I'm an adult.' I'm talking about how many people can actually acknowledge and articulate, to some degree, why they think of themselves now as an adult. While talking with Alex this weekend we spoke about this for a minute which drunk, but we both have come to the point in our lives where we're looking less to our parents for guidance and we both want to strike out on our own and forge our own paths. In my mind stopping and attempting to put into words a gradual change like that is a very heady thing to do, thinking and dwelling and focusing.
Being smart, intelligent, gifted has been my life in the education system. No one is more annoying than I am with myself for bad grades. When I try to explain my career plans to my family I can hear the disappointment in their voices when I say I don't want to go into science anymore. That doesn't bring me down as much as it annoys me when I say I want to work for myself, drawing my own comics. They keep trying to dissuade me thinking it's childish precociousness and it's not. They think it's about money, I'll find the money, getting money's the easy part. Working the job, the career, I really want is the hard part.
Want to know another shitty part about being smart? I know why I'm depressed almost every time. Usually it's some sort of 'I don't feel loved' bullshit. Every now and again it's about my mom being dead. Knowing I'm not at a point to forgive my father for all of his bullshit, or any of it, I know I'm not ready and I know why. He won't listen, he won't try to listen. He thinks of me as a child, I'm not a child anymore. I don't think I'm a young adult anymore, I just am an adult. I think I'm finally moving out of categorization limbo, now everyone I know needs to learn this so they don't think of me as less then I am.
See, that thought process right there, I want to be respected on my level; I want to be taken seriously on my level. Not everyone is on my level. I think ultimately that's why I drifted away from people from high school. Not just that they knew the 'old' me, but that they weren't really looking to be Adults yet, they were looking to be Young Adults. I've gone back to speaking with some of them and it seems things are leveling back out, we're reaching our next maturity level.
Jasmine P.
Showing posts with label personality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personality. Show all posts
June 15, 2010
May 23, 2010
Concepts of Beauty
My Grandmother keeps trying to get me to change what I like about myself. We're supposed to be going on a cruise this August around the Bahamas. When I spoke to her last week she told me what it was like on the boat, "you're going to forget you're on a boat, it's like being in a mall' or she'd tell me about the Governer's Ball which happens one night on the ship, and that I have to be dressed nicely for dinner. I'm like 'alright' and she continues asking me if I'm going to 'get my hair done' or wear earrings, or telling me I can't wear denims, she's old and doesn't usually say 'jeans' for whatever reason.
I try to listen, but when she asks me an honest question I decide I'm going to answer honestly:
-"Will you get my hair done in a beauty salon": no, I like my hair short and natural
-"well, will you go to a barber? How much does it cost?"; between $10-15, and no, my friend can cut my hair;
-"how do you know they can cut hair? What if you don't like it?": I'll cut it all off then let it grow back. Hair will grow back.
-"You're not going to wear a hat every day, your hair won't grow long if you wear a hat all the time.": I like my hats and I don't want my hair to grow long, Grandma.
-"Fine, you're going to wear earrings right?": No Grandma, they irritate my ears, I don't like 'em. As I kid I didn't like them.
"Well, you have to dress nice, you can't go out to eat wearing denims. When you go out with your friends you have to look nice so you can meet people."
You'd think I'd be dizzy from rolling my eyes so much. I finally get her to stop this ridiculous attempt at changing me by explaining I wear and present myself how I like. I don't like dresses or earrings so I don't wear them. I like my hats so I wear them. I have the commonsense to not go to a nice dinner in baggy messy jeans or cargos, but it's the same commonsense that keeps me from going to a messy art class in a really nice shirt. It's neither the time nor is it the place. No, I won't wear make-up, no I won't conform to society's conventions of beauty because I don't like them.
I am me, let me prove to you my life is fine, that I'm happy, when I'm not depressed - my appearance doesn't affect my depression, so I'm happy in how I look, how I dress and ow I carry myself. I have been told that things I have ae nice, that they look good, stop trying to compare me to my mother. Stop trying to compare me to other people, be happy that I'm happy.
I don't know. I could easily just say yes to everything she says I should do, but I wouldn't be happy. It's better to get this stupid non-important argument out of the way now instead of it being a stupid non-important argument in three months when sh sees me to wearing earrings, not wearing make-up, not wearing nail polish. I'll primp to my own tastes not hers. The thing is, like I said, I like how I dress, I like the clothes I wear, I don't want to 'work' that goes into being 'beautiful' and that shit all costs too much. Concealer, mascara, lipstick, blush, facial wash, zit cream, nail polish, nail polish remover, hair rollers, hair relaxant. If I had one of each of those things I'd've spent $100 easy. Why? To fit into what society considers to be beautiful. I want to buck trends and fuck convention.
It's like I questioned in this image http://dichigo.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d1kcwn9 a scribble from a few years ago, I want to go back to it again at some point, but why should I listen to the magazines, the voices outside. To hell with them, if I'm happy how I am, why do I have to listen to people out there who work so hard to change themselves and others to their own conventions and beauty, to what they think society would like. No, that's not me.
When I leave for that cruise I will have some nice shirts, I will have one or two skirts, I will also have sneakers, sandals, denim gouchos, one or two of my hats, either my FreakAngels or Israeli Paratrooper bag, at least one sketchbook, pens, pencils, two or three novels and my DS, plus other odds and ends. I'll have things to look nice in, to look nice with that I like, and I'll have the things I like that are comfortable. It's what I like
Jasmine P.
I try to listen, but when she asks me an honest question I decide I'm going to answer honestly:
-"Will you get my hair done in a beauty salon": no, I like my hair short and natural
-"well, will you go to a barber? How much does it cost?"; between $10-15, and no, my friend can cut my hair;
-"how do you know they can cut hair? What if you don't like it?": I'll cut it all off then let it grow back. Hair will grow back.
-"You're not going to wear a hat every day, your hair won't grow long if you wear a hat all the time.": I like my hats and I don't want my hair to grow long, Grandma.
-"Fine, you're going to wear earrings right?": No Grandma, they irritate my ears, I don't like 'em. As I kid I didn't like them.
"Well, you have to dress nice, you can't go out to eat wearing denims. When you go out with your friends you have to look nice so you can meet people."
You'd think I'd be dizzy from rolling my eyes so much. I finally get her to stop this ridiculous attempt at changing me by explaining I wear and present myself how I like. I don't like dresses or earrings so I don't wear them. I like my hats so I wear them. I have the commonsense to not go to a nice dinner in baggy messy jeans or cargos, but it's the same commonsense that keeps me from going to a messy art class in a really nice shirt. It's neither the time nor is it the place. No, I won't wear make-up, no I won't conform to society's conventions of beauty because I don't like them.
I am me, let me prove to you my life is fine, that I'm happy, when I'm not depressed - my appearance doesn't affect my depression, so I'm happy in how I look, how I dress and ow I carry myself. I have been told that things I have ae nice, that they look good, stop trying to compare me to my mother. Stop trying to compare me to other people, be happy that I'm happy.
I don't know. I could easily just say yes to everything she says I should do, but I wouldn't be happy. It's better to get this stupid non-important argument out of the way now instead of it being a stupid non-important argument in three months when sh sees me to wearing earrings, not wearing make-up, not wearing nail polish. I'll primp to my own tastes not hers. The thing is, like I said, I like how I dress, I like the clothes I wear, I don't want to 'work' that goes into being 'beautiful' and that shit all costs too much. Concealer, mascara, lipstick, blush, facial wash, zit cream, nail polish, nail polish remover, hair rollers, hair relaxant. If I had one of each of those things I'd've spent $100 easy. Why? To fit into what society considers to be beautiful. I want to buck trends and fuck convention.
It's like I questioned in this image http://dichigo.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d1kcwn9 a scribble from a few years ago, I want to go back to it again at some point, but why should I listen to the magazines, the voices outside. To hell with them, if I'm happy how I am, why do I have to listen to people out there who work so hard to change themselves and others to their own conventions and beauty, to what they think society would like. No, that's not me.
When I leave for that cruise I will have some nice shirts, I will have one or two skirts, I will also have sneakers, sandals, denim gouchos, one or two of my hats, either my FreakAngels or Israeli Paratrooper bag, at least one sketchbook, pens, pencils, two or three novels and my DS, plus other odds and ends. I'll have things to look nice in, to look nice with that I like, and I'll have the things I like that are comfortable. It's what I like
Jasmine P.
December 4, 2009
Early Morning Musings
I've been spending some time over the past few days reading things off the site 'Stand for Christmas' http://www.standforchristmas.com/ and mostly been laughing at these ultra conservative Christians. In part it's from ignorance and non acceptance of other holidays that happen to take place in the winter. If you look at the ratings list for Best Buy people were all pissy and up in arms because the site and circular promoted the Muslim holiday, of Eid al-Adha, which as my meager research on wikipedia told me is a day about prayer and giving from one's flock to the poor. Seriously, that and Best But says nothing specific about Christmas.
I see these people up in arms angry that Christmas isn't getting the 'respect' they think it deserves. I say one comment for Old Navy that said, and I quote "I logged in to this sight to leave a positive feedback for Old Navy because in my local store I noticed the Merry Christmas tees and also gift cards with Merry Christmas on them---a big step up from past years, but I was unaware of the add including Christmas with Kwanza/soltice (the ice skating one is fine with me;goofy, but fine).” So sad that they took one step forward and two giant leaps back." How is being aware of a not-holiday, Kwanzaa in my opinion, and solstice taking two steps back. These people seems to forget that there are many religions in the world that have some sort of festivity in the winter. I know there are plenty of people who believe that Christianity, or factions of, are the 'only religion' it just seems implausible that everyone who decided to write on that site feels that way.
I think saying 'holiday' is fine because there are so many celebrations, religiously based or not. Using the non-reputable source that is Wikipedia, once more, let's see just the sheer number of holidays, festivals, remembrances, or celebrations there are LISTED for the 31 days that make up December. 38 different events around the world, that's not counting the smaller events that take place during the month. It's not just Christmas, there's also Chanukkah which I think is the second largest religious celebration in the month. On December 25th there are also these events:
# Re) birth of Sol Invictus. The winter solstice feast in the Roman Empire from 274 to 391
# Quaid-e-Azam's Day – Pakistan
# Constitution Day – Republic of China now based in Taiwan
# The feast day of Anastasia of Sirmium
# Yule
# Malkh-Festival. Sun festival in pre-Islamic pagan religion of Nakh people. Chechenya and Ingushetia
True, not all of them are celebrated anymore and are known more out of historic necessity, but they're still there. I'm sure there are plenty more. I don't get the fuss that people use 'holiday' over 'Christmas' when so much else goes on. Any why get so hard up for one day? It's about family? So is Thanksgiving. It's about giving? If you truly want to give to other people, give when you don't feel obligated. These people are making it about the material, if they want to really make it about a part of the true aspect of the day, Jesus and giving, they would go out into their communities and help those who are less fortunate instead of opening hundreds or thousands and thousands of dollars worth of things that they'll forget the next day.
With my tirade I'm not saying I don't like getting things, but I remember and like the gifts that I made for people a lot more than any of the stuff I've bought. Back in 2006 I made ornaments for my family and friends. I love those. In 2004 or 2005 I drew my brother a dragon, framed it and he still has it. I'm proud of those gifts. Last year I thought carefully about what people would appreciate, but I don't appreciate the gifts as much, I have to think hard to remember what I gave them. But I remember what I made, that had love, time and compassion not just money. Scupley costs money, and a lot of time, but those gifts were awesome.
The other part of my musings is on the concept of being politically correct. Thinking that it's more pc to be called 'African-American' is wrong for -me- because I'm not African. I'm 1/2 Dominican and 1/2 American. I only have American citizenship, and I don't know how many generations far back are off a boat from any part of Africa. I call myself 'black' or even just 'American' because that's what I am. I don't care so much about that aspect of American history. I respect it for what happened and all that shit, but I have more important things to be looking for in my future. That's what my status from the other day was about, someone on deviantart was talking about how with some Scandanavian comics she draws and posts people comment about where their family's from. I don't really care about my ancestors. It's not to be disrespectful, but that's not -me- so much. I don't want to go to Africa and see what it was like for them there, I don't really want to go to the Dominican Republic, I don't speak the language. I more often just think of myself as American because I don't speak Spanish. I was raised by my mother's side of the family and more often than not think about things they do than things my dad's side of the family does. I don't not love them, I just don't know them. It's different.
About being politically correct for the holidays, I don't see it about being disrespectful, it's about respect for more people. People seem to have a problem with respect. What if I worked retail and wished ' Happy Chanukkah' or even forwent December and started with 'Happy New Year'? That's non-denominational, just different countries or religions, follow different calendars, its offensive to calendars?
I go for politically correct terms because I don't like to be insulted. Once I know what will and won't mess with a person, I'll use it. I say 'I'm fat' not 'overweight' because it's fat, my body has an excess of it. If you have an excess of weight, it's not always fat, it could be water or muscle. I have an excess of fat, and I don't always have a problem with it. Buying clothing is when I have a problem with it. I say all sorts of ridiculous things; I know I say things than can be misconstrued as being disrespectful, but it's not out of disrespect. Sometimes it's due out of ignorance, which is different than going out and being rude. I think a large part about being politically correct is who you're interacting with. Some people mind and others don't. Listen to how I talk, I say ridiculous things EVERY DAY, sometimes on purpose, sometimes it just is what it is.
I know I’m politically correct when I speak. I do it for me because it feels right. I use more or less the same language in front of someone or behind their back, profanity aside. If I don’t know I’ll ask, and I’ll apologize if I think I said something wrong. The other day I was at a hookah bar when it was closing. I was curious what language some of the other patrons were using, so I asked. I had assumed it was Arabic, it was when I asked,. I had the chance to ask a question, so I did. I will. I have asked Muslim women one my few occasions, questions about their head wraps. I was curious about them, I know very little about those practices. I had an Indian friend in high school and I think she sometimes had the red dot on her forehead. I think I asked her what it was about, but have since forgotten. I’m curious and try not to be rude, I’ll admit I don’t know because I think it lets whomever I’m speaking to know that I’m honestly curious.
You know what, I’m not sure where exactly I wanted to go with my thoughts on being politically correct aside from questioning them. I don’t understand why people seem to have an issue about not offending other people. I want respect and to get it I have to give it equally. I understand terms change and I’m not always in the venue to learn when or why they changed. Za told me she learned that the new PC term for ‘Native Americans’ is ‘First Americans’. I really don’t see what’s wrong with ‘Native American’ but there’s a new term. I know I use ‘Indian’ more often, and I don’t know if I’ll ever use or need to use ‘First American’ but it’s a new term. Now I want to know why they changed it, what was wrong with calling them ‘Native’? Where would ‘aborigine’ fit in? It’s time I get back to the work I put off to write this, but I kept thinking about it. Now to work for a bit, sleep, then work some more. Joy. Good day, everyone!
October 18, 2008
Change
To fill in the blanks from the beginning, if for nothing, my terrible memory. On Monday, I decided to ask this guy out. His response is 'maybe' then we talk about other things. We happen to not see each other until Wednesday night, when he agrees to try going out with me. I'm happy, but things between us don't seem any different, in any way shape or form. This is what happens upon question him. [originally a letter to Za]
Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.
I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.
Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.
I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.
I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.
In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.
I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.
Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.
-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.
Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.
Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.
I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.
Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.
I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.
I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.
In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.
I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.
Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.
-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.
Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.
July 21, 2008
Being A Blogger
I guess this is technically a blog. It's on Blogger, but I don't quite consider myself a 'blogger' these are more often streams of consciousness that no one reads and I'm fine with the fact that maybe a friend or two of mine reads this. I don't really want or need people responding other than people who know me. I put this out here on the internet for myself. I catalog my life here so my friends can read about what happens when we're not together, but also so people have the opportunity to figure out why I may be acting differently from my own norm.
I was reading the August Wired and they had this article about this chick, Julia Allison or whatever the fuck her last name is, and how this woman aggressively pimps everything. She pimps her Twitter, her blogs, her vlogs, everything about her life. She lives for the attention. I don't. I barely want attention from people I know at times, like from Mikey or Santos at the USBG. Their intense interest in me is quite odd and disquieting at times.
To me, someone who fits the mantel of a 'blogger' is someone who puts their everything out there and people respond. People they don't know. I get no responses here. This journal has been up since September 2007, and i've never gotten a single response, but I do know people have been here. My profile pageview counter is somewhere around 30, and I know of t least one person who reads this periodically.
This is a stream of consciousness that I maintain for myself. I would rather have ten years of anonymity than one hour of celebrialtiy online because tis is for me. If necessary, I'll make another blog for more 'public' affairs. Like how I wanted a separate Flikr for my fencing photos, but it's apparently one account per e-mail, I may make that other e-mail just for those photos. Hell, it would sit there and collect spam, just so I could keep my personal photos separate from my club's photos.
Different facets of my life get different attention. My private and public stay separate. For the most part, they conjoin with me. What's funny is I think you could start on one end of my various websites and following links to damn near every other site, not that I have that many that are active.
I guess this was more about my personal life and keeping it private than about being a blogger, unless both concepts go hand in hand. I mean, being a blogger is about choosing aspects of your personal life to put online, aspects of your opinion about things in life that you're going to put online. I choose to put my mind here for others to try to comprehend. I don't always understand what I put here, but I do know it's important to me. if not, why write it?
This one went in circles. Worse than usual. Interesting, my stream of consciousness. Or is it dull? I've been told it's interesting. I wouldn't know. I almost never read my own writing.
Jasmine P.
I was reading the August Wired and they had this article about this chick, Julia Allison or whatever the fuck her last name is, and how this woman aggressively pimps everything. She pimps her Twitter, her blogs, her vlogs, everything about her life. She lives for the attention. I don't. I barely want attention from people I know at times, like from Mikey or Santos at the USBG. Their intense interest in me is quite odd and disquieting at times.
To me, someone who fits the mantel of a 'blogger' is someone who puts their everything out there and people respond. People they don't know. I get no responses here. This journal has been up since September 2007, and i've never gotten a single response, but I do know people have been here. My profile pageview counter is somewhere around 30, and I know of t least one person who reads this periodically.
This is a stream of consciousness that I maintain for myself. I would rather have ten years of anonymity than one hour of celebrialtiy online because tis is for me. If necessary, I'll make another blog for more 'public' affairs. Like how I wanted a separate Flikr for my fencing photos, but it's apparently one account per e-mail, I may make that other e-mail just for those photos. Hell, it would sit there and collect spam, just so I could keep my personal photos separate from my club's photos.
Different facets of my life get different attention. My private and public stay separate. For the most part, they conjoin with me. What's funny is I think you could start on one end of my various websites and following links to damn near every other site, not that I have that many that are active.
I guess this was more about my personal life and keeping it private than about being a blogger, unless both concepts go hand in hand. I mean, being a blogger is about choosing aspects of your personal life to put online, aspects of your opinion about things in life that you're going to put online. I choose to put my mind here for others to try to comprehend. I don't always understand what I put here, but I do know it's important to me. if not, why write it?
This one went in circles. Worse than usual. Interesting, my stream of consciousness. Or is it dull? I've been told it's interesting. I wouldn't know. I almost never read my own writing.
Jasmine P.
May 12, 2008
May 12th, I Feel So Alone
I'm so bored and so alone right now. I crave socialization and people. I crave something to do, somewhere to go, and for this damned rain to let up. I need my computer to be working so when I get the desire, the inspiration to write one of these that I actually can, that they work out. I had this great rant earlier about how annoyed I am to be so alone right now and what I want. Well, here's a bit of it.
First and foremost, I want a damed hug! I crave and need physical contact. Last time I had a hug was on Saturday when I ran into CR when I was literally on my way out to leave for home.
Secondly, I want to not be alone, and I need to find something to do outside this house, especially at night. I've always been worse about being on my own at night than any other time. I've got the cabin fever like nobodies business and I need to get away.
Thirdly, I miss everyone and damn near everything about being in Norfolk. I miss the ease of being able to hang out with people, of being able to go somewhere. I miss the jokes and the silliness. Hell, I looked through the last 80 photos on my camera before going to be last night just so I could laugh and reminisce about people I met in just September, for the most part.
I've lost most my rant to distractions, but I'm always thinking about everyone back from ODU. I'm craving a reason, an excuse to leave my house. I desire not so much entertainment, but fellowship, not living to such a solitary degree. My brothers don't cut it. Sure, we all like video games, but I don't care for being around them for extended periods of time. I'll be fine in a week or two, I hope. But I don't always want to be the one reaching out to everyone else. I want someone to reach out to me first so I feel needed and not just needful.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
First and foremost, I want a damed hug! I crave and need physical contact. Last time I had a hug was on Saturday when I ran into CR when I was literally on my way out to leave for home.
Secondly, I want to not be alone, and I need to find something to do outside this house, especially at night. I've always been worse about being on my own at night than any other time. I've got the cabin fever like nobodies business and I need to get away.
Thirdly, I miss everyone and damn near everything about being in Norfolk. I miss the ease of being able to hang out with people, of being able to go somewhere. I miss the jokes and the silliness. Hell, I looked through the last 80 photos on my camera before going to be last night just so I could laugh and reminisce about people I met in just September, for the most part.
I've lost most my rant to distractions, but I'm always thinking about everyone back from ODU. I'm craving a reason, an excuse to leave my house. I desire not so much entertainment, but fellowship, not living to such a solitary degree. My brothers don't cut it. Sure, we all like video games, but I don't care for being around them for extended periods of time. I'll be fine in a week or two, I hope. But I don't always want to be the one reaching out to everyone else. I want someone to reach out to me first so I feel needed and not just needful.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
April 20, 2008
Right Here, Right Now
I am currently incredibly stressed out and I can't write what I need to to save my life, or better yet, my English grade. I am stressed over work, over classes and over my desire to not be alone but the fact that i am. I want to be loved. I want some to love also. I want and miss my mother right now. I am on edge, I feel discontent, my knee is hurting again, I'm just all over the place in a bad way and I don't know just how much longer I'll be able to handle it. I can't draw anything worth drawing, but I do love my pen drawing that I'm calling 'Beautiful'. It's not the first time that commentary's been mad, but that's not the point. There is a bit of a follow up piece, but the second one didn't work right, so it needs to be drawn over and in a way that it makes sense.
Back to me and how broken I am. Heh, broken is the right way to describe it. I'm not right. I cry for no reason, the tears just pour from my eyes. I ignore them as they trail down my face. I do and don't want to be around people. I do and don't want to talk. I need someone to ask the right questions so I can get to the answers that keep alluding me so.
I have figured out that there is no one I love at the moment. I have no crushes, but I do have speculation on people who I think may like or be interested in me, but I have no proof for any of my ideas. There are little things, but they're unfounded. I don't think that's what I want... i have no real proof for my reasoning other than a few odd little things that have stuck out in my mind. I have figured out that I am in dire desire for physical contact, be it a hug or just being physically close to someone else. I'd prefer the other person to be male, and I think I'm feeling a desire to be around men. To be around masculine energy, but it needs to be positive and not necessarily perverted. I don't really want to talk, I just want to be close to someone. I don't want to have to take on anyone else's stress and I can't handle anyone else's anger at the moment. I can't be receptive and understanding. I'm to guarded to put in the effort to he considerate. I don't want to be considerate either. I'm mopey and I want someone else to pay attention to me. I want someone to really try no matter how guarded I act. i want someone to put in the effort that I put in when they're upset or in a bad mood.
I want someone to love and someone to love me in return who will try as hard as I do to understand, to comprehend and to help. I'm losing myself in myself. I need the strength of someone else. I'm disgusted with myself. Where did my strength and independence go? Why do I feel the need to be so dependent on others that I feel lost when I'm alone. why do I feel the need to have my own emotions dictated by others? why am I so empathetic and around other who are near as empathetic as I that they can't see that everything I am at the moment is a lie, a facade to hind how I really feel.
i want someone to be able to see past the 'Jasmine' that is quiet, intelligent and strong to be able to see, hug, hold and help that much weaker Jasmine who hides inside. The part of me that wants help, but isn't near loud enough to be heard when she cries out for assistance. I am so guarded all the time that the outer me doesn't want the inner me to be heard, but the inner me must find a way to be heard by someone who can and will help. I don't want to be independent nor do i want to be dependent, I just want to be able to live at a nice moderate in between of strength that is given and received.
I want to be able to draw strength from another, but i can't find any who is able to give me that which I desire. I want to stop feeling the way I do. I want to be able to drawn, i want to be able to feel something other than massive and constant depression at the moment. Will this be gone after next Tuesday? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I knew where to find what I want and that what I wanted would find me. Even if it doesn't last long it would be better than nothing at the moment. I need to be less guarded so others can see what I mean, see how I really feel even though I hide. I need someone to understand the little signs. When I'm quiet, when I'd rather go off on my own even though normally I'd stay around others. When I'm not the me I usually am, when I'm sad and crying and feel so alone that I don't know what to do anymore. Fuck a knight in shining armor, I'd rather have a dork is comfortable clothing. He'd be much nicer to hold.
When will it be my time to not be alone. When will I be able to rely on someone and have them rely on me equally? Why must I wait so long for a taste of what I desire?
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
Back to me and how broken I am. Heh, broken is the right way to describe it. I'm not right. I cry for no reason, the tears just pour from my eyes. I ignore them as they trail down my face. I do and don't want to be around people. I do and don't want to talk. I need someone to ask the right questions so I can get to the answers that keep alluding me so.
I have figured out that there is no one I love at the moment. I have no crushes, but I do have speculation on people who I think may like or be interested in me, but I have no proof for any of my ideas. There are little things, but they're unfounded. I don't think that's what I want... i have no real proof for my reasoning other than a few odd little things that have stuck out in my mind. I have figured out that I am in dire desire for physical contact, be it a hug or just being physically close to someone else. I'd prefer the other person to be male, and I think I'm feeling a desire to be around men. To be around masculine energy, but it needs to be positive and not necessarily perverted. I don't really want to talk, I just want to be close to someone. I don't want to have to take on anyone else's stress and I can't handle anyone else's anger at the moment. I can't be receptive and understanding. I'm to guarded to put in the effort to he considerate. I don't want to be considerate either. I'm mopey and I want someone else to pay attention to me. I want someone to really try no matter how guarded I act. i want someone to put in the effort that I put in when they're upset or in a bad mood.
I want someone to love and someone to love me in return who will try as hard as I do to understand, to comprehend and to help. I'm losing myself in myself. I need the strength of someone else. I'm disgusted with myself. Where did my strength and independence go? Why do I feel the need to be so dependent on others that I feel lost when I'm alone. why do I feel the need to have my own emotions dictated by others? why am I so empathetic and around other who are near as empathetic as I that they can't see that everything I am at the moment is a lie, a facade to hind how I really feel.
i want someone to be able to see past the 'Jasmine' that is quiet, intelligent and strong to be able to see, hug, hold and help that much weaker Jasmine who hides inside. The part of me that wants help, but isn't near loud enough to be heard when she cries out for assistance. I am so guarded all the time that the outer me doesn't want the inner me to be heard, but the inner me must find a way to be heard by someone who can and will help. I don't want to be independent nor do i want to be dependent, I just want to be able to live at a nice moderate in between of strength that is given and received.
I want to be able to draw strength from another, but i can't find any who is able to give me that which I desire. I want to stop feeling the way I do. I want to be able to drawn, i want to be able to feel something other than massive and constant depression at the moment. Will this be gone after next Tuesday? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I knew where to find what I want and that what I wanted would find me. Even if it doesn't last long it would be better than nothing at the moment. I need to be less guarded so others can see what I mean, see how I really feel even though I hide. I need someone to understand the little signs. When I'm quiet, when I'd rather go off on my own even though normally I'd stay around others. When I'm not the me I usually am, when I'm sad and crying and feel so alone that I don't know what to do anymore. Fuck a knight in shining armor, I'd rather have a dork is comfortable clothing. He'd be much nicer to hold.
When will it be my time to not be alone. When will I be able to rely on someone and have them rely on me equally? Why must I wait so long for a taste of what I desire?
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
January 29, 2008
Restless
I dunno. At the moment I feel incredibly restless and irritable. I'm upset about something that's only in my head and it's just a bitch. I'm upset about how a friend of mine is acting. After knowing him for the few months that I have known him I can easily understand how he acts. I understand how he acts around many women. I think I feel bad because I'm not the person he'd give up time for. I guess it's a type of heart break...mixed in with PMSing, and at the moment I don't want to be alone, and per usual the people I'd rather not be alone around are busy.
So, to elaborate a bit on how I see the situation, said friend gets next to, hangs out and makes time for specific people at a time. I think it's pretty much an 'instant crush' sort of deal, except for him, unlike it being at the time of meeting, it's when the current 'crush' has moved on. I think it's between a crush and like a fascination. I dunno, but I don't think it's so much that fact that it isn't me anymore, it's the fact that it's a mutual friend, my best friend, so I don't have anyone to distract me from myself, and I am the most dangerous person for me to be alone with.
I think this will pass soon, but right now, at this minute, it's just frustrating, and I'm trying not to cry from feeling alone. I think one of these days I'll go out on a limb and 'meet somebody'. I mean this a a perennial complaint and wish that I would have someone who I could go to all the time, no questions asked and just chill with. I'm fantasizing at the moment about having someone and I don't think that' really helping my cause any, so I think I need to just go and find somebody. That's a weird turn fo phrase to just go 'meet' or to 'find somebody' how do people ever know what they're looking for. I know people with interesting outward appearances but kick ass personalities and people who look all kick ass and cool, but really aren't. I'm much more than one of those types of people who only want a person's look, I want more, I need something substantial. But I also wonder if that's the type of person I'll ultimately end up with. I mean, people talk about not ending up with the type of person they always thought they'd marry, but being truly happy with them, so what if it's the same with me?
I've thought about the criterion that I want filled, and I think in the long run is that I want someone whom I consider a superior because I want to be able to seriously reply on them to be mature when I'm not so mature, and so I can be taken care of on days like to day when I just want to not be alone. I have someone to hug and lay all up on and in general not be so distant to. I dislike the fact that I feel a desire to be so dependent on someone else, but I also think that's what I want, to be able to be so dependent every once in a while. To be pampered. But I also want someone intelligent so I can have an intellectual challenge. Not to play stupid word games with all the time, but someone I have debate with over things, but can also see the intelligence and the intellect in something that I find to be clever and amusing.
After getting my bearings, I feel better, but I still don't want to be alone. I know what I want, but I don't know how to find it. Fuck using some dating group. I can find someone suitable without the help of lame want ads and the like.
God, this is seriously just the PMS talking. I can't wait this this is over and I'm not feeling so melancholy.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
So, to elaborate a bit on how I see the situation, said friend gets next to, hangs out and makes time for specific people at a time. I think it's pretty much an 'instant crush' sort of deal, except for him, unlike it being at the time of meeting, it's when the current 'crush' has moved on. I think it's between a crush and like a fascination. I dunno, but I don't think it's so much that fact that it isn't me anymore, it's the fact that it's a mutual friend, my best friend, so I don't have anyone to distract me from myself, and I am the most dangerous person for me to be alone with.
I think this will pass soon, but right now, at this minute, it's just frustrating, and I'm trying not to cry from feeling alone. I think one of these days I'll go out on a limb and 'meet somebody'. I mean this a a perennial complaint and wish that I would have someone who I could go to all the time, no questions asked and just chill with. I'm fantasizing at the moment about having someone and I don't think that' really helping my cause any, so I think I need to just go and find somebody. That's a weird turn fo phrase to just go 'meet' or to 'find somebody' how do people ever know what they're looking for. I know people with interesting outward appearances but kick ass personalities and people who look all kick ass and cool, but really aren't. I'm much more than one of those types of people who only want a person's look, I want more, I need something substantial. But I also wonder if that's the type of person I'll ultimately end up with. I mean, people talk about not ending up with the type of person they always thought they'd marry, but being truly happy with them, so what if it's the same with me?
I've thought about the criterion that I want filled, and I think in the long run is that I want someone whom I consider a superior because I want to be able to seriously reply on them to be mature when I'm not so mature, and so I can be taken care of on days like to day when I just want to not be alone. I have someone to hug and lay all up on and in general not be so distant to. I dislike the fact that I feel a desire to be so dependent on someone else, but I also think that's what I want, to be able to be so dependent every once in a while. To be pampered. But I also want someone intelligent so I can have an intellectual challenge. Not to play stupid word games with all the time, but someone I have debate with over things, but can also see the intelligence and the intellect in something that I find to be clever and amusing.
After getting my bearings, I feel better, but I still don't want to be alone. I know what I want, but I don't know how to find it. Fuck using some dating group. I can find someone suitable without the help of lame want ads and the like.
God, this is seriously just the PMS talking. I can't wait this this is over and I'm not feeling so melancholy.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
January 6, 2008
Lasting Impressions
'They' say that first impressions are lasting, and for me I do know that's true. When I first meet somebody it's not so much that I pass judgement on them and it can't change so much that I give them an 'interest rate' if I find them interesting then I will try to and I will desire to talk to them, befriend them. All my friend were given these ratings and from this I decided to trust people.
Earlier, I was thinking about how I've changed. This past weekend I drove halfway across the state, alone, to watch a fencing tournament. I stayed in the house of one of my brother's friends, a woman I've spoken to maybe twice, and I slept in the bed of a man I just met on New Years. It's not like that, he's away at the bachelor party for a friend. I am currently alone in the friend's house with her 'evil' cat that seriously loves me. I swear, I came back last night and the cat was sleeping on my dirty laundry...cats are weird sometimes.
But back to the point so I can get to some fencing, I've never thought about how easy it is for me to trust someone and befriend them. All of my friend I've done this to. Well, Gg was a friend out of opportunity [our brothers were friends], Diane I'd befriended after she lost her clique in elementary school, but she seemed interesting which is why I noticed. Sam R. was interesting because everyone else shunned her. Alex was interesting because I thought he was cute, he reminded me of the way a webcomic artist drew herself, and he was new, and therefore interesting. Glenn was interesting because he could teach me to fence, CR just plain looks interesting, Matt L he's random, but when I first met him he was incredibly intelligent. Elizabeth was fun to talk to, easy to talk to. Allison is very silly and fun to talk to. Nick S. was interesting and amusing.
I use the word 'interesting' a lot, for me it's a word for every occasion. I draw or say 'interesting' things, I find people 'interesting' but that's a different form of interesting. Interesting is a perfect blanket term you can use to describe anything in a very non insulting way. I do love my rampant use of it.
Gahhh! Back to impressions, I have always been a very much so 'first impression' sort of person, but I am also quite willing to make changes to my opinions after I know someone better and they prove to be not as 'interesting' and I'd first thought.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
Earlier, I was thinking about how I've changed. This past weekend I drove halfway across the state, alone, to watch a fencing tournament. I stayed in the house of one of my brother's friends, a woman I've spoken to maybe twice, and I slept in the bed of a man I just met on New Years. It's not like that, he's away at the bachelor party for a friend. I am currently alone in the friend's house with her 'evil' cat that seriously loves me. I swear, I came back last night and the cat was sleeping on my dirty laundry...cats are weird sometimes.
But back to the point so I can get to some fencing, I've never thought about how easy it is for me to trust someone and befriend them. All of my friend I've done this to. Well, Gg was a friend out of opportunity [our brothers were friends], Diane I'd befriended after she lost her clique in elementary school, but she seemed interesting which is why I noticed. Sam R. was interesting because everyone else shunned her. Alex was interesting because I thought he was cute, he reminded me of the way a webcomic artist drew herself, and he was new, and therefore interesting. Glenn was interesting because he could teach me to fence, CR just plain looks interesting, Matt L he's random, but when I first met him he was incredibly intelligent. Elizabeth was fun to talk to, easy to talk to. Allison is very silly and fun to talk to. Nick S. was interesting and amusing.
I use the word 'interesting' a lot, for me it's a word for every occasion. I draw or say 'interesting' things, I find people 'interesting' but that's a different form of interesting. Interesting is a perfect blanket term you can use to describe anything in a very non insulting way. I do love my rampant use of it.
Gahhh! Back to impressions, I have always been a very much so 'first impression' sort of person, but I am also quite willing to make changes to my opinions after I know someone better and they prove to be not as 'interesting' and I'd first thought.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
December 18, 2007
Personalities and Horoscopes
Before I went to sleep this morning, I totally should have written this, but I wanted/needed slee as I had had no nap yesterday and my ear hurts from sleeping badly on the couch. It's not near as comfortable as the ones at Wesley House, but onto my train of thought.
Personalities are not based out of anything concrete, and they are a reflection of both nature and nurture. My brothers and I all share common aspects of our personalities such as it usually takes a bit for us to seriously get angry, we're all charismatic, and other things that ae a cross between personalty and habits and such.
My question or statement for today on personalities is this: how true are horoscopes and personalties? I don't mean day-to-day horoscopes because those are so vague they could be for anyone, but the personalities that are described in those sorts of book about a Scorpio, Leo or Cancer? Same with the Chinese zodiac, just how true is that to one's personality?
I've read that Scorpios are incredibly protective of their friends and the things they love or claim as theirs. They're fiercely loyal, when in love they mean it every time. When angered they are incredibly dark. Scorpios are charismatic and are excellent people persons. They're not quick to anger, but they will hold onto thoughts of revenge for a long time. They forget their digressions to others, but never forget digressions to themselves. Scorpios would rather be behind the scenes in things than be up front and on stage. Stubborn, and I sure and hell know I am for the last couple too. Really private...the things I seriously hold close I don't tell until either know you won't tell or until it's not that important to me.
I've noticed aspects of these traits and others in me and the things I do so I want to know, am I pairing my traits to these, or is it true? I am vengeful, I want and love to have the last laugh. Every time I've liked, loved someone they monopolize my thoughts. They're all I think about until I either convince myself that I don't really love them, or until I decide not to go through with a confession because I've got more important reasons to staying in contact with them. I'm the type of person who can talk to damn near anybody, and I can make other people feel comfortable around me. I am so friggin' protective of my friends that if people knew what went through my mind when I saw them with someone I didn't know or [for whatever reason] considered a rival they would have been terrified. When I'm seriously angry my mind is a wash of red and black. The violent things I think and imagine would scare a Satanist and the Pope would want to exorcise me.
So, from this statement it would seem that the things horoscopes and and the things the zodiacs are true, but to what extent and for how many people?
I've noticed that some of the people I love the most are Cancers, the crab. Scorpios and Cancers get along swimmingly [npi*] because they're both water signs. There is a great level of comfort for them to just plain be together, even in silence. These are also some of the people I seek out most often just to toss around ideas to relax.
My Leo buddies are important for cheering me up because they really do cheer me up when I'm down. And now I'm in no mood to look up anyone else, but it still holds true. The things that I go to certain people most often for are the things that those two signs have most in common. The same hold true for the other signs and why I would seek them out for a conversation or other.
So back to my original complaint [?] should people only take horoscopes with a grain of salt [I really dislike that phrase...i still doesn't quite make sense and I've looked it up] or should we trust/believe them? I understand that not everything is true, but can something as simple as when you were born have just that much of an affect on you and your personality as it seems sometimes? I've thought about this before, and it seems that things are true, but I still wonder
*no pun intended
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
Personalities are not based out of anything concrete, and they are a reflection of both nature and nurture. My brothers and I all share common aspects of our personalities such as it usually takes a bit for us to seriously get angry, we're all charismatic, and other things that ae a cross between personalty and habits and such.
My question or statement for today on personalities is this: how true are horoscopes and personalties? I don't mean day-to-day horoscopes because those are so vague they could be for anyone, but the personalities that are described in those sorts of book about a Scorpio, Leo or Cancer? Same with the Chinese zodiac, just how true is that to one's personality?
I've read that Scorpios are incredibly protective of their friends and the things they love or claim as theirs. They're fiercely loyal, when in love they mean it every time. When angered they are incredibly dark. Scorpios are charismatic and are excellent people persons. They're not quick to anger, but they will hold onto thoughts of revenge for a long time. They forget their digressions to others, but never forget digressions to themselves. Scorpios would rather be behind the scenes in things than be up front and on stage. Stubborn, and I sure and hell know I am for the last couple too. Really private...the things I seriously hold close I don't tell until either know you won't tell or until it's not that important to me.
I've noticed aspects of these traits and others in me and the things I do so I want to know, am I pairing my traits to these, or is it true? I am vengeful, I want and love to have the last laugh. Every time I've liked, loved someone they monopolize my thoughts. They're all I think about until I either convince myself that I don't really love them, or until I decide not to go through with a confession because I've got more important reasons to staying in contact with them. I'm the type of person who can talk to damn near anybody, and I can make other people feel comfortable around me. I am so friggin' protective of my friends that if people knew what went through my mind when I saw them with someone I didn't know or [for whatever reason] considered a rival they would have been terrified. When I'm seriously angry my mind is a wash of red and black. The violent things I think and imagine would scare a Satanist and the Pope would want to exorcise me.
So, from this statement it would seem that the things horoscopes and and the things the zodiacs are true, but to what extent and for how many people?
I've noticed that some of the people I love the most are Cancers, the crab. Scorpios and Cancers get along swimmingly [npi*] because they're both water signs. There is a great level of comfort for them to just plain be together, even in silence. These are also some of the people I seek out most often just to toss around ideas to relax.
My Leo buddies are important for cheering me up because they really do cheer me up when I'm down. And now I'm in no mood to look up anyone else, but it still holds true. The things that I go to certain people most often for are the things that those two signs have most in common. The same hold true for the other signs and why I would seek them out for a conversation or other.
So back to my original complaint [?] should people only take horoscopes with a grain of salt [I really dislike that phrase...i still doesn't quite make sense and I've looked it up] or should we trust/believe them? I understand that not everything is true, but can something as simple as when you were born have just that much of an affect on you and your personality as it seems sometimes? I've thought about this before, and it seems that things are true, but I still wonder
*no pun intended
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
December 4, 2007
'About Me'
It is impossible to fit all that makes a person into 1000 words or less. There is so much about a person that change change from one little non-interaction, such as seeing someone they have an interest in one day, or their not seeing that person. I know my mind is out there any time I see those guys who can catch my eye long enough to make me try to fine a way to talk to them. Anyting can change a person, even simple non-interactions like that.
As I think about some of the things that make up 'me' this was going to be all super epic over on facebook, but i stopped before it got too far along so I'm writing it for here.
'I just am. The details change depending on the mood, how morose I can be to how hyper crazy, to how romantic. I've never been much of a girlie-girl though, that's never changed.'
I am a lover of many things. Food, socializing, entertainment, conversation, deep thinker movies and conversation. There is too much to me to put into words to describe for those people out there on the Internet to be able to handle reading. It would be an epic tale about the highlights of my life and personality that's a hefty tale. Not because of embellishments, but trying to fit in all the things that I don't tell people, but are displayed during conversation and interaction.
Part of this is I don't casually touch people until I know and trust them. Until I've figured out what's allowed, just how much distance and in what ways do I do things. When I meet people, there is a trial period that can last from ten minutes to a few days or weeks as I figure out just how far I can go with them so I know how I can act and which parts of my personality to exhibit. There are some times when I need to be at a certain comfort level with people before I'll playfully mess around with them. Touching them, their hair, face, just plain contact in some cases. It's not always as deep as it seems, but there are some people who I don't know how they'd respond to casual contact as simple as a hug. I never realized how much I like hugging people or having someone to get a hug from because before I always had my mom and I never thought about it. Now I have people to get hugs from or who I don't mind hugging. Things like this are like how I confide in people, I never give it much pre-thought but I just know these sorts of things.
But back to describing me. I am a romantic. Even thought I over think my own relationships and have often concluded that I probably will over think it if I ever have someone, I am a romantic. I do like a bit of fluff in my movies every once in a while. I do want love, I want someone to love and to make it known that they care. I want comfortable platonic love too. I don't mean anything wild like 'friends with benefits' but a shoulder I can lean on. Someone I can go to damn near whenever and know I can tell them anything.
I am a dirty minded bastard. It's how I was raised. I don't have bad morals, just a greater acceptance for the things that society normally perceives as wrong. I mean, I was somewhere round about 6th grade when I saw 'Real Sex' on HBO, I had no issue with it. It actually made me laugh. I find porn amusing because the situations that lead up to the sex are usually incredibly goofy. I've said this to people before, but seriously, the generic type of introduction that I've see to a few different porns was 'A stay at home wife/mother gets a delivery, then decides to fuck the deliver man' but then there was the series from Showtime where the story lines were almost always 'This couple is having relationship issues and decided to get away for a weekend to reignite the flame of their passion' I mean, crap like this is just so ridiculous that it's like 'how is this cock-and-bull story still being written. I can totally see where a friend of mine is coming from when they say that they can't really watch porn because there is so little character development [ie none] that they can't really focus and get into the story. As for me being dirty minded, I don't care about hearing about people going at it, the numbers or the genders involved because at the end of the day it makes me laugh. I don't quite know why I find it so amusing, but I do.
What makes me. I think about the way I think about other people and when I go to describe people I pick out the most distinctive physical features then the next thing I think about is how I can 'see' their personality in the things they do. When I describe people, the physical is first, but the...
[contemplation to be finished at a future time]
-continued-
...but then I go on to describe personality attributes about people because of how I relate personalities to people they become tangible. It's kind of amusing, but it also makes describing other people somewhat interesting...
On my cleanliness...or often lack there of, I like to think I live in organized chaos. I think because of my creativity and artistic habits, and the fact that I don't usually don't think in conventional patterns, then I am better suited to have things not quite in normal order. I think that I try to live externally they way I live internally, sometimes.
I think this is a topic I'll need to come back to, I'm not quite inspired to dewll on myself too much more at the moment. I'll finish this train of thought, or continue down this track or a similar one some time in the future. Adios
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
As I think about some of the things that make up 'me' this was going to be all super epic over on facebook, but i stopped before it got too far along so I'm writing it for here.
'I just am. The details change depending on the mood, how morose I can be to how hyper crazy, to how romantic. I've never been much of a girlie-girl though, that's never changed.'
I am a lover of many things. Food, socializing, entertainment, conversation, deep thinker movies and conversation. There is too much to me to put into words to describe for those people out there on the Internet to be able to handle reading. It would be an epic tale about the highlights of my life and personality that's a hefty tale. Not because of embellishments, but trying to fit in all the things that I don't tell people, but are displayed during conversation and interaction.
Part of this is I don't casually touch people until I know and trust them. Until I've figured out what's allowed, just how much distance and in what ways do I do things. When I meet people, there is a trial period that can last from ten minutes to a few days or weeks as I figure out just how far I can go with them so I know how I can act and which parts of my personality to exhibit. There are some times when I need to be at a certain comfort level with people before I'll playfully mess around with them. Touching them, their hair, face, just plain contact in some cases. It's not always as deep as it seems, but there are some people who I don't know how they'd respond to casual contact as simple as a hug. I never realized how much I like hugging people or having someone to get a hug from because before I always had my mom and I never thought about it. Now I have people to get hugs from or who I don't mind hugging. Things like this are like how I confide in people, I never give it much pre-thought but I just know these sorts of things.
But back to describing me. I am a romantic. Even thought I over think my own relationships and have often concluded that I probably will over think it if I ever have someone, I am a romantic. I do like a bit of fluff in my movies every once in a while. I do want love, I want someone to love and to make it known that they care. I want comfortable platonic love too. I don't mean anything wild like 'friends with benefits' but a shoulder I can lean on. Someone I can go to damn near whenever and know I can tell them anything.
I am a dirty minded bastard. It's how I was raised. I don't have bad morals, just a greater acceptance for the things that society normally perceives as wrong. I mean, I was somewhere round about 6th grade when I saw 'Real Sex' on HBO, I had no issue with it. It actually made me laugh. I find porn amusing because the situations that lead up to the sex are usually incredibly goofy. I've said this to people before, but seriously, the generic type of introduction that I've see to a few different porns was 'A stay at home wife/mother gets a delivery, then decides to fuck the deliver man' but then there was the series from Showtime where the story lines were almost always 'This couple is having relationship issues and decided to get away for a weekend to reignite the flame of their passion' I mean, crap like this is just so ridiculous that it's like 'how is this cock-and-bull story still being written. I can totally see where a friend of mine is coming from when they say that they can't really watch porn because there is so little character development [ie none] that they can't really focus and get into the story. As for me being dirty minded, I don't care about hearing about people going at it, the numbers or the genders involved because at the end of the day it makes me laugh. I don't quite know why I find it so amusing, but I do.
What makes me. I think about the way I think about other people and when I go to describe people I pick out the most distinctive physical features then the next thing I think about is how I can 'see' their personality in the things they do. When I describe people, the physical is first, but the...
[contemplation to be finished at a future time]
-continued-
...but then I go on to describe personality attributes about people because of how I relate personalities to people they become tangible. It's kind of amusing, but it also makes describing other people somewhat interesting...
On my cleanliness...or often lack there of, I like to think I live in organized chaos. I think because of my creativity and artistic habits, and the fact that I don't usually don't think in conventional patterns, then I am better suited to have things not quite in normal order. I think that I try to live externally they way I live internally, sometimes.
I think this is a topic I'll need to come back to, I'm not quite inspired to dewll on myself too much more at the moment. I'll finish this train of thought, or continue down this track or a similar one some time in the future. Adios
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
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