On January and February 2009

Well, it's been a nie long while since I've taken any decent documentation of my life, or have written my rants and responses to muhc of anything. I think I posted on about R. Rodriguez, and just yesterday there was a letter to Kevin Smith, but nothing that will really remind me of what these past few months have been like. I have a few small things written on LJ, but nothing really major or interesting. Well a few things have happened, but I'm not at liberty to post it here, but that will be taken care of being written somewhere, but not on the internet. It was awkward to begin with and it's in my best interest to not have it wherever on the internet. I mean, I can reveal any of my own secrets, but other people's business to a degree, but we'll get to that when we get to February.

January.

2009 started up in Reston, VA, like most of my years. I just hung out with Dorien and we watched Burn After Reading, which I had purchased not too long prior to ringing in the New Year. That was an interesting movie, over all I liked it, but I'm not entirely sure why. I know I didn't do much for the beginning of January. Early in January I rocked out to Sin City a whole bunch. Seriously. I friggin' love that movie so it was a great way to break off 2009. I reember spending most of my time on my own, but that's the case when I'm back home.

January was when I'd run out of Vicodin and was in pretty extreme amounts of pain. That pain is from Hippastrum something, a bacteria that gets into your pores. It like a warm damp environment, such as the groin and the arm pit. I have it in both locations, I guess I'll thre beause it's under both arms. I mostly talk about ht eones under my arms, but that's because it's that muhc less awkways, and I highly doubt people want ot know about my fucked up twat. I mean, it's like a fucking asteroid down there, craters and shit. It's fucking gross. Yeah, this is my journal for my shit. If you don't like it then you can suck it. I haven't spoken about it because the ones on my arms do enouhg to slow a conversation that I don't need to talk about my groin, even if those are the ones that are the most bothersome at the moment. But back to january, I decided to use my Twitter to remind me a bit about what has gone on. This section of the rant was inspired by my comments on the effects of Tylenol Pm and my being in pain. I've been in almost constant pain for the past 8 months, and thankfully that will be coming to an end soon, but that will be spoken about at length in February. I'll add this last point, healing sucks, I'm itchy as all fuck.

So, January. I lived on the couch and colored two pictures and a comic. One is about Icarus and Leopold and I titled it 'Pink Lemonade' because of the background and boarder colors. I was mostly messing around, but I do like the over all and I really like the composition. I wish Icky was more in character, but I like the picture none the less. The second was one of Alexis, Daisuke and Aryan. A similar composition for all three, but keeping the colors was clashing was so friggin' irritating. Eahc character has their own scheme, then their background couldn't be too similar to eachother's back grounds, but couln't clash with their personal color schemes, and I didn't want the colors to be too similar. This one the characters are muhc mor ein character, even is Alexis isn't wearing her normal traveling garb, it still work quite nicely. And her abs are dead sexy here. I also finally finished the Christmas gift comic I drew for Za, CR and Sean, I just never made them their prints, but they have each seen the comic, which is well enough.

That is how I spent most of early January. I also started my big Movie List of 2009 and the less dramatic Big Book List of 2009. As of this writing I've watched 31 movies, probably about 26 different flicks. That's been prettty sweet. It's just that it seems to me that all I do is watch movies, so I might as well know what I spent my year watching. It'll also be an interesting wat to keep track of my varying interests, and at the end of the year to see what has influenced changes in my movie viewing pleasure. In Jnuary I was highly taken by Sin City. That started a Robert Rodriguez kick so I finally bought El Mariachi, his first movie and loved it to pieces and had to buy more of his movies. I know own many of the movies he's directed. But back to January. When I wasn't watching movies, I was watching House. Seriously, all I did over break was watch USA and the Food Network with a little bit of other in between. And some B:TAS, one seasn left to watch, I was thinking about over Spring Break, I dunno.

I'm supposed to hang out with the Ficus before leaving Nrofolk to drive back here and not see him unti some undetermined time, which has ended up being next weekend. Woot woot. But he decided to eat at the Wendy's back home. I schooled him, told him it was built on sketch and disease, because that Wendy's was, is. The end of my Winter Break wasn't that climatic, but I did spend my last days relaxing, which is pretty awesome.

I make my way back to campus and spend more time that I'd like alone. I have been and I think that plus my English class has started this littlemountian of writing and inspiration to write. I just haven't given into it until now.

My first day of classes isn't terrible and neither is my second day. I decided to roll all my spare change which is sweet becase it adds up to $40, so I have some extra spending change and extra money is always awesome. I hit up the Phoenix movie theater, the one by the Naval Base and watch Valkyrie. That was an interesting movie, and I was sad when they failed to kill Hitler. The characters were so fucking earnest. that made them likable and adorable. They were so honest in their desire to dethrone Hitler in a coup that when they fail I forgot that historically Hitler committed suicide. That made me think and maybe write a little. Somewhere.

My first week was ineventful. The second week things kick off early with my laptop catching some bitch of a virus. That was hell, and I slowly learn that Logic and Philosophy was a stupid class choice. Hmm, actually, remember time better, my computer got the virus on thef irst Tuesday of the semester which I was rolling my money so going out also doubled as something to do until I got it back two days later. Thankfully, his hard drive was intact from that little circle of hell.

I spend January going to classes and at some point I loose the Club election of President. Over winter Break Jason realised that being a captain and president was a ahll of a position to be in and resigned form being President. Glenn was elected into his position and I was elected to be Vice President, and have spent most of my club time for the past few weeks shadowing whatever Glenn's needed to do for the Club and taking care of things that he has hasn't been able to make for some reason or another.

Nothing really special happens for the rest of January, I don't think. Twitter for the verification. Ahh, I remember this now. I started smoking a little the night I went to see Vaklyrie. Part of it was I missed how relaxful break was and the few cigs I had with the Ficus, so I bought a pack I still have like half of it because it's usually too goddam cold out there to stand around for ten minutes smoking. I like my hands thank you very much.

Around the end of January a few upper classmen started chatting with me up in Borjo because I was reading Brenner's book and they're logic majors or some bull shit. They are interesting to chat with. A few really sweet OSTs came into my possession at thi time. That was pretty awesome. Sin City, Darjeeling Limited, No Reservations. All three have their own bit of special and sex.

I lost Onyx on Inauguration Day, and haven't found him since and hope I find him by the end of the semester when I'm moving out.

BEfore January was over I saw Defiance with Glenn and Dan F. that was interesting, but Glenn was his usually distracting self, but the experience wouldn't be the same if he hasn't been like that. I accept it, but will still totaly hit him at the time for it.

There was a litt bit of internet drama that I successfully broke up. That was cool. I got back into the Pan RPG. That's where the drama was. Well, that and the club drama.

Ooh, my weekend with no caffeine was back in January. Bad weekend. that's when my parking permit disappeared and I almost got hit by a car.

February.

So I've written about the car incident a few times, but don't feel like going into it anymore, it was a bitch. The first weel of February was a little slow. I made my first maradaide from scratch this weekend, and watched Zack and Miri which started me on Kevin Smith. Nothing realy big happened. More movies and soundtracks.

I got my phone replaced. The last was was bieng a glitchy shit, and Miguel still had him instinct, so he mailed that to me. Freak'in awesome.

Hmm, Feb 13 I hang out with ian and Nicole and we spend the evnign getting drunk. Well, Nicle is more drunk than Ian or myself, and I'm way more drunk than Ian is, but I remember the big things. We played a few drinking games and watched futurama and Grandma's Boy. There was pletny of stupid conversation to go around. We decide to all go to bed at 5 and all pretty much stay up until about 7. I don't sleep except for in hour incriments so I give up and read until the other two wake up then I sober up and we all chat. I drive out to the wal-mart down Little Creek to buy some gatorade because on the 15th I drive out to UVa for a tournament.

The Tournament was Diana's first and she killed in her poor snad placed 13 out of 16 from the pools It was awesome. Mackenzie had a slow morning but owned her second poor and attacked on to victory in her first DE where she was last seed and beat the top seed. Casey had a bad morning all morning. That drive was a bitch but I made it. God, I'm ready to go to bed, so sometime after sleeping I'll wrap up February in a different journal and my not too interesting little tale will some it its pretty dull end.

Jasmine P.

Do Unto Others As You Would Want Them To Do Unto You

I haven't properly written anything out in a while, more than a month really. Well, I think there's one or two things on LJ or Facebook but ehh, those two journals don't get the same treatment as over here does. Twitter gets the truth most often, the deepest parts of my soul in only 160 characters. Well, 140, but 160 in a text, but that's neither here nor there.

I've figured out and decided that I'm at a major cross roads in my life and I've been here for a while. How long I cann0t tell but things are different. some times I'm a lot happier than I've been in a while, other times I'm somewhat listless and my attention span has been nowhere serious for the past few days. I think it's partially a very mild depression but I'm still moving away from where i used to be. i mean, this time last year I was crazed and ready to get the hell out of dodge. And I think a very little mite suicidal. I assume I'm true about that last assumption. i don't like that thought one little bit, but it might be a small part of my truth about life.

Considering I've spent so much time alone I've had a lot to think about without other people getting in the way. Apparently Firefox can't spell check anymore. fucking whore. blargle ggj ...joy. Back to the point, my technological assistance is apparently temporarily out, maybe because this window's been open for a while, and now I just plain have an internet error, joy.

Back to my life. Now, there are two guys who are apparently vying for attention in my mind. One of them works at Borjo and I know I won't say a damned thing to him, and i think he's in a relationship anyway. Okay, this is annoying. Time to refresh the fucking window. There, it's fixed, but back to the point, once more. The other guy I've never said a word to, but he does intrigue me and I do want to say something. Mostly tell him his hat is bitching, but even that apparently sends me a twitter and makes me confused and like an annoying girl. Interacting wiht strangers is quite annoying and American society does not make it any easier. Great, it's crapped out once more. Fuck you ODU internet. Yeah, I wish this were more of a spur of the moment thing and not something I've been thinking about saying all semester. I'm a weird one. Chance are I'll say this, then it'll be another person on my 'hi-bye' roster of acquaintances. No big deal.

On to more stupidity that's been running through my head. I am currently obsessing of the TV show Psych. I think a rabid obsession has been missing from my life. I haven't really been focused on anything for a while and even with my faulty attention span from the past few days, I have been enjoying the show and the commentary and have tried to draw James Roday and Dule Hill. James is much more of a challenge, and he is now on my list of actors it would be bitching to meet. Well included in this list is the even awesome RDJ, Johnny Depp, and Morgan Freeman to remind myself of a few of the celebs I would love to meet. Hell, I would love to film an episode of Psych. 'Guest starring a random fan!' Bomb diggity.

I don't know where I'm going right now and I think that's why I had to spend some time alone, so I could get a proper handle on myself and what I need. I don't know how to fix me and getting a boyfriend is a bit of a pipe dream still. Pipe dream territory is never fun.

Now's not the time for my to do my big 'it's the end of the year' thing. I kind of did that for my birthday when I said 'i'm not dead yet' but maybe this time I'll wait until January and just have my big 'changing of the year' thing ring in the next year instead of shutting down the old one. God, this new mp3 player recharges is no time. From no batter to almost full in about 45min. Gold.

I'm sure this has accomplished something important to me, but I'm not sure of what it is quite yet. The point is to be theraputic and I'm not sure how useful this one was. Probably more than I realize at this moment, but it's not as useful as my last conversation with Alex. But nothingis near as useful as any of those, except for face-to-face interaction.

Jasmine P.

Change

To fill in the blanks from the beginning, if for nothing, my terrible memory. On Monday, I decided to ask this guy out. His response is 'maybe' then we talk about other things. We happen to not see each other until Wednesday night, when he agrees to try going out with me. I'm happy, but things between us don't seem any different, in any way shape or form. This is what happens upon question him. [originally a letter to Za]

Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.

I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.

Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.

I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.

I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.

In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.

I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.

Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.

-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.

Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.

Two Halves of Something Broken

Two Halves of a Whole.

Something broken, this is actually at a perspective, so the smaller piece is smaller on purpose. But there is a purpose to this.

My point is, I'm tired of my social situation changing so drastically every time it does. I'm tired of rebounding back and forth from being independent to being dependent on others. I can stand on my own, and I can lean on another's shoulder, but I'm tired of being forced to do one or the other over and over again. Every time I learn to live with myself I'm thrown into a situation where there are others who tolerate and accept me. I'm around people who don't ask anything other than me. They they let me trust them, until we're forced apart, then I'm alone and have forgotten how to deal with anything anymore.

There's nothing wrong with my desire for stability, so why don't I have any? Have I don't something to be punished to not be allowed to have any real consistent presence in my life that I trust and whom trusts me. This person doesn't even need to be a boyfriend, a significant other. They just need to be reliable. I need someone to be reliable when we're together and when we're apart.

Is it weird that when I'm alone I'm both incredibly solitary, not wanting to be anywhere near nor around others, but I'm also quite clingy, wanted to be near certain people? That's why I am the way I am when I can finally be not alone anymore. I'm like a man in the desert who'se come across and oasis. I lavish in the attention I can now get and give. I'm a selfish son of a bitch so my receiving and giving of attention in a weird way involve my sharing my new artwork with people. I like hearing from others that my work is good. That doesn't quite mean much because none of them draw. But that doesn't mean I don't not like hearing it. I love giving attention to others in my own obsessive way. I love giving attention in a physical manner, hugging, touching or in general being around some one else, others. That's how I give attention when I don't always listen properly. I focus, observe watch. That's how I give attention, that's how I give as much as and what I get.

My broken heart is cause by many people. Too many to list here, too many to list for myself. IT's quote sad though that Just about every one I know can be put on that list from one time or another. There is also a reason why I go off on my own when I'm upset. It forces me to think about the situation and it forces me to find a way to fix it. How can I fix something that I didn't break? Something that isn't tangible? Something that is left subject to others to socialize with? What happens is not under my own control, but it's under the control of those around me and it's taken so many 'hits' over the years that everything is an injury on top of a bleeding wound. Nothing is getting better and I don't know how much more I can take before it all collapses. I need something stronger and more consistent that my own strength. One day I'll just cave in on myself under my own weaknesses and I won't be strong enough to get out on my own. Maybe by that day My needed strength will be near and they'll be able to help me out when I won't want to help myself.

I can only pray for that day.
Jasmine P.

Island

Damn my hormones, but this is also a truth of sorts. At this moment I am weak. I can't help it, but I stay as strong as I can.

I am an island. I trust no one because they never keep their promises. I've been left on my own so often, I might as well not seek oit others. I might as well as stay on my own and live by my own strength.

That makes me wonder about why I try to rely on others. There is no one here for me but me. There is no one I can trust with anything so why bother? Why should I look to others for help when they don't help me. I shouldn't. I should keep to myself and not bother dealing with anyone else. Other people only forsake and anger me. They don't do as they say and they leave me depressed when I try to fight it.

Is there any reason to fight it, well, aside from the tears. Those are quite annoying. But other than that, is there any reason to not just internalize everything? Probably not. No one will be here forever and few are there when I need them. There's only me.

This needs to be said. Fuck all hormones to high heaven and low hell. I ought to feel better in about two days. I've been feeling so good too, aside from the caffeine and sugar cravings, I've been coping quite well and I've been well in general.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.