I am esoteric. I rely on other people without blatantly telling them that I rely on them. I use my friends to validate me to such an extent that when I'm alone I decide I'm worthless and want other people to tell me what to do, how to act or even just tell me to do something I already want to do. Like, right now, I'm friggin' giddy over this dude. I spend too much time contemplating what he thinks about me, what I'm wearing or things I like or say. I have elaborate fantasies of us just hanging out or him actually asking me out and it both cheers m up an depresses me. I feel like I'm loved but then I think about who I am and how I act and decide there's no way he'd like me and I'm back to where I started again. Sometimes I make elaborate plans to boldly say what I feel but it never works out. I'm either too distracted in the moment (too giddy, too eager, too nervous) or I'm finally calm again and I'm confused as to how I feel. I'm going insane. The person I actively turn to tells me to just go for it, but then I'm too afraid, or I don't know the next time I'll see this guy.
I'm esoterically me because I post song lyric for unrequited-love songs as my status on facebook hoping he gets the message. I say we should do something together, effectively saying we should go out or I go out on a limb and directly ask him out. I'm tired of being so stressed out, I want to forget about romance and infatuation and just focus on being stressed about school and classes and getting my life together.
I want a cheat code to get to the end. I want to peek at the last page of the book to see how it all ends, I'm tired of turning the pages one by one and feeling like I progress no further into the story then I was when I woke up this morning. I at least want to say something before my journal comic gets online. There's flirting something like...6 or 12 days in, love sick whining for the next two months then meager interaction for the last few weeks with an increase in pining and being a whiny bitch.
I'm tired of being so esoterically me.
Jasmine P.
Fuck, this whole rant is esoteric.
Showing posts with label inside. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inside. Show all posts
August 31, 2010
June 15, 2010
Intelligence and Knowing You're Intelligent
Disclaimer(?): I'm not trying to sounds vain here, but this is what I've experienced from having "above 'average' intelligence" in school and the education system. Long story short, it fucks you up, or it just fucks me up, we'll see.
----
So, it's pretty common knowledge now that schools and school systems test the shit out of children every year to find out who's 'gifted and talented (GT)', to find out who has the ability for more abstract thinking than their peers, so they can put them in classes to challenge and strengthen this type of thinking. This is relatively easy to do because there are a metric shit-ton of other tests going on generally if you tell a kid they have to take a test, they'll do what you ask.
Well, this is what it was like for me 15 years ago in elementary school when more parents told their kids to sit down and shut up, as opposed to now where it's always a compromise between parent and child. Also 15 years ago when it's not like children weren't respected and spoken to on their level by their teacher, but their teachers found ways to deal with them and it was closer to 1 in 15 being on Ritalin, or something else for ADD, as opposed to 1 in 5.
This isn't about that, this is about being an 'advanced thinker' and having people acknowledge that you're not 'average.'
Yes, as a kid I was proud to learn that I was 'intelligent' enough to be put into a special class for people who understood in second grade why triangles and domes are stronger than straight lines; in a class where in fourth grade I decided to use 'queer' by it's proper dictionary definition. Only odd thing about use of 'queer' is other people in my class laughing so it showed a part of my out-of-the-loop-ness that happens every now and again because I'd only ever known queer to mean something was strange or odd and not an insult to homosexual people.
But I digress. I'm saying from a young age, what...about 8 when I started in the 'advanced' classes in second grade, I was told I was different. I was told I was smarter than my peers. This information went straight to my head, giving me my inflated ego. I mean, who at the age of 8 wouldn't be all over the fact that they were 'better' than someone else? Also, to be honest, I enjoyed the GT course for a few reasons: it got me out of regular class once a week, what we did was interesting, and I was told I was better than other people. (Aside: maybe this started my superiority complex...) Third grade I went to a different elementary school where the entire class was GT, we were doing fourth grade work. Aspects of that year sucked, not the work so much as the school, not an encouraging environment so I went back to my original elementary school. I did get to raise chicks in my third grade class, an now I'm wondering what happened to the chickens and roosters. I don't know why I never did ask that question.
I went back to my primary elementary school for my last three years and went back to a 'pull out' GT program. In middle school I was in a GT program all day, every day, except this time it was called the IBMYP- the International Baccalaureate Middle Years Program. Upper level thinking, reading, writing all the time now. I've been taught MLA citation format ever since the seventh grade started. It also introduced me to who would be in most of my classes for the next six years. Seriously, my school system didn't lock down the IB program, in high school at least, but it was fairly contained. Many people took more than one IB class so it was fairly common on the first day of class to see about 1/3 of your first period class also in your second period class. I mean, my graduating class was something around 300-350 students. Of that number I think we had about 75 get the IB diploma, and another 100 or so get one or more IB certificates for the individual IB exams they passed.
Well, I've spent much of my time chronicling my education and what it was like, kind of. We all knew each other, would cheat off of each other and had been told we were special, smart for many years. We got to read multiple banned books over the years. Hell, I think at least one of my teachers tried for everything to be banned, and not just by religious groups, but by anyone. It made for interesting reading to say the least.
As I was saying earlier, sometimes being 'smart/er' sucked. I got tired of hearing "you're too smart to be failing" or "you're smart, so if you only applied yourself..." That shit never helps, it makes it worse because I'm already irritated that I wasn't passing, I don't need to be reminded that I'm failing, generally for stupid reasons. I said I was never good in a quiet environment, and my ability to focus is a bit worse when I'm in a quiet room because then I start making my own music for entertainment instead of drifting in and out of ignoring music that's playing while I do something. Hell, I've got music playing while I write this and I'm writing alright. I was never good at tests, in testing situation because it was always unnaturally quiet. It was a forced heavy silence, like an extended pregnant silence. Since it felt uncomfortable it distracted me more than noise might have.
Showing you were smart as a kid was just as bad as failing. I have been told 'You speak good English' many times. Every time I smile and say 'thank you' while inside I respond 'you don't.' Every time. I have been called articulate many times, my cousin told me I spoke like 'white people,' but he doesn't use proper grammar or pronunciation, I think he was trying to make fun of me, not to sure though. I was a reader as a kid, I still am. I actively seek out controversial, weird or interesting things to read. When I read comics I like something that questions or critiques our culture, same goes with novels and film. I also turn around and love and appreciate much lower brow humour. I enjoy The Shawshank Redemption just as much as I enjoy Tropic Thunder or The Fifth Element. Yes, Tropic Thunder does have more to it than the explosions and the silly, but that's what people see. I like explosions and boom! I like talking and critiquing, I like getting and understanding 'smart' things and enjoying 'not-smart (?)' things.
With what I've said I still haven't quite gotten to my point. The biggest flaw in being smart if knowing that you're smart. You want to be recognized as such when you succeed and when you don't you don't want people to think too hard about it because it's salt in the wound. There are things I've realized, things I know about myself from sitting and dwelling on it. I wonder, how many people sit down and think about when they stop thinking of themselves as a kid, and actually think of themselves as an adult? I'm not talking about turning 18 or 21 and saying 'I can smoke, drink, vote and die for my country; I'm an adult.' I'm talking about how many people can actually acknowledge and articulate, to some degree, why they think of themselves now as an adult. While talking with Alex this weekend we spoke about this for a minute which drunk, but we both have come to the point in our lives where we're looking less to our parents for guidance and we both want to strike out on our own and forge our own paths. In my mind stopping and attempting to put into words a gradual change like that is a very heady thing to do, thinking and dwelling and focusing.
Being smart, intelligent, gifted has been my life in the education system. No one is more annoying than I am with myself for bad grades. When I try to explain my career plans to my family I can hear the disappointment in their voices when I say I don't want to go into science anymore. That doesn't bring me down as much as it annoys me when I say I want to work for myself, drawing my own comics. They keep trying to dissuade me thinking it's childish precociousness and it's not. They think it's about money, I'll find the money, getting money's the easy part. Working the job, the career, I really want is the hard part.
Want to know another shitty part about being smart? I know why I'm depressed almost every time. Usually it's some sort of 'I don't feel loved' bullshit. Every now and again it's about my mom being dead. Knowing I'm not at a point to forgive my father for all of his bullshit, or any of it, I know I'm not ready and I know why. He won't listen, he won't try to listen. He thinks of me as a child, I'm not a child anymore. I don't think I'm a young adult anymore, I just am an adult. I think I'm finally moving out of categorization limbo, now everyone I know needs to learn this so they don't think of me as less then I am.
See, that thought process right there, I want to be respected on my level; I want to be taken seriously on my level. Not everyone is on my level. I think ultimately that's why I drifted away from people from high school. Not just that they knew the 'old' me, but that they weren't really looking to be Adults yet, they were looking to be Young Adults. I've gone back to speaking with some of them and it seems things are leveling back out, we're reaching our next maturity level.
Jasmine P.
----
So, it's pretty common knowledge now that schools and school systems test the shit out of children every year to find out who's 'gifted and talented (GT)', to find out who has the ability for more abstract thinking than their peers, so they can put them in classes to challenge and strengthen this type of thinking. This is relatively easy to do because there are a metric shit-ton of other tests going on generally if you tell a kid they have to take a test, they'll do what you ask.
Well, this is what it was like for me 15 years ago in elementary school when more parents told their kids to sit down and shut up, as opposed to now where it's always a compromise between parent and child. Also 15 years ago when it's not like children weren't respected and spoken to on their level by their teacher, but their teachers found ways to deal with them and it was closer to 1 in 15 being on Ritalin, or something else for ADD, as opposed to 1 in 5.
This isn't about that, this is about being an 'advanced thinker' and having people acknowledge that you're not 'average.'
Yes, as a kid I was proud to learn that I was 'intelligent' enough to be put into a special class for people who understood in second grade why triangles and domes are stronger than straight lines; in a class where in fourth grade I decided to use 'queer' by it's proper dictionary definition. Only odd thing about use of 'queer' is other people in my class laughing so it showed a part of my out-of-the-loop-ness that happens every now and again because I'd only ever known queer to mean something was strange or odd and not an insult to homosexual people.
But I digress. I'm saying from a young age, what...about 8 when I started in the 'advanced' classes in second grade, I was told I was different. I was told I was smarter than my peers. This information went straight to my head, giving me my inflated ego. I mean, who at the age of 8 wouldn't be all over the fact that they were 'better' than someone else? Also, to be honest, I enjoyed the GT course for a few reasons: it got me out of regular class once a week, what we did was interesting, and I was told I was better than other people. (Aside: maybe this started my superiority complex...) Third grade I went to a different elementary school where the entire class was GT, we were doing fourth grade work. Aspects of that year sucked, not the work so much as the school, not an encouraging environment so I went back to my original elementary school. I did get to raise chicks in my third grade class, an now I'm wondering what happened to the chickens and roosters. I don't know why I never did ask that question.
I went back to my primary elementary school for my last three years and went back to a 'pull out' GT program. In middle school I was in a GT program all day, every day, except this time it was called the IBMYP- the International Baccalaureate Middle Years Program. Upper level thinking, reading, writing all the time now. I've been taught MLA citation format ever since the seventh grade started. It also introduced me to who would be in most of my classes for the next six years. Seriously, my school system didn't lock down the IB program, in high school at least, but it was fairly contained. Many people took more than one IB class so it was fairly common on the first day of class to see about 1/3 of your first period class also in your second period class. I mean, my graduating class was something around 300-350 students. Of that number I think we had about 75 get the IB diploma, and another 100 or so get one or more IB certificates for the individual IB exams they passed.
Well, I've spent much of my time chronicling my education and what it was like, kind of. We all knew each other, would cheat off of each other and had been told we were special, smart for many years. We got to read multiple banned books over the years. Hell, I think at least one of my teachers tried for everything to be banned, and not just by religious groups, but by anyone. It made for interesting reading to say the least.
As I was saying earlier, sometimes being 'smart/er' sucked. I got tired of hearing "you're too smart to be failing" or "you're smart, so if you only applied yourself..." That shit never helps, it makes it worse because I'm already irritated that I wasn't passing, I don't need to be reminded that I'm failing, generally for stupid reasons. I said I was never good in a quiet environment, and my ability to focus is a bit worse when I'm in a quiet room because then I start making my own music for entertainment instead of drifting in and out of ignoring music that's playing while I do something. Hell, I've got music playing while I write this and I'm writing alright. I was never good at tests, in testing situation because it was always unnaturally quiet. It was a forced heavy silence, like an extended pregnant silence. Since it felt uncomfortable it distracted me more than noise might have.
Showing you were smart as a kid was just as bad as failing. I have been told 'You speak good English' many times. Every time I smile and say 'thank you' while inside I respond 'you don't.' Every time. I have been called articulate many times, my cousin told me I spoke like 'white people,' but he doesn't use proper grammar or pronunciation, I think he was trying to make fun of me, not to sure though. I was a reader as a kid, I still am. I actively seek out controversial, weird or interesting things to read. When I read comics I like something that questions or critiques our culture, same goes with novels and film. I also turn around and love and appreciate much lower brow humour. I enjoy The Shawshank Redemption just as much as I enjoy Tropic Thunder or The Fifth Element. Yes, Tropic Thunder does have more to it than the explosions and the silly, but that's what people see. I like explosions and boom! I like talking and critiquing, I like getting and understanding 'smart' things and enjoying 'not-smart (?)' things.
With what I've said I still haven't quite gotten to my point. The biggest flaw in being smart if knowing that you're smart. You want to be recognized as such when you succeed and when you don't you don't want people to think too hard about it because it's salt in the wound. There are things I've realized, things I know about myself from sitting and dwelling on it. I wonder, how many people sit down and think about when they stop thinking of themselves as a kid, and actually think of themselves as an adult? I'm not talking about turning 18 or 21 and saying 'I can smoke, drink, vote and die for my country; I'm an adult.' I'm talking about how many people can actually acknowledge and articulate, to some degree, why they think of themselves now as an adult. While talking with Alex this weekend we spoke about this for a minute which drunk, but we both have come to the point in our lives where we're looking less to our parents for guidance and we both want to strike out on our own and forge our own paths. In my mind stopping and attempting to put into words a gradual change like that is a very heady thing to do, thinking and dwelling and focusing.
Being smart, intelligent, gifted has been my life in the education system. No one is more annoying than I am with myself for bad grades. When I try to explain my career plans to my family I can hear the disappointment in their voices when I say I don't want to go into science anymore. That doesn't bring me down as much as it annoys me when I say I want to work for myself, drawing my own comics. They keep trying to dissuade me thinking it's childish precociousness and it's not. They think it's about money, I'll find the money, getting money's the easy part. Working the job, the career, I really want is the hard part.
Want to know another shitty part about being smart? I know why I'm depressed almost every time. Usually it's some sort of 'I don't feel loved' bullshit. Every now and again it's about my mom being dead. Knowing I'm not at a point to forgive my father for all of his bullshit, or any of it, I know I'm not ready and I know why. He won't listen, he won't try to listen. He thinks of me as a child, I'm not a child anymore. I don't think I'm a young adult anymore, I just am an adult. I think I'm finally moving out of categorization limbo, now everyone I know needs to learn this so they don't think of me as less then I am.
See, that thought process right there, I want to be respected on my level; I want to be taken seriously on my level. Not everyone is on my level. I think ultimately that's why I drifted away from people from high school. Not just that they knew the 'old' me, but that they weren't really looking to be Adults yet, they were looking to be Young Adults. I've gone back to speaking with some of them and it seems things are leveling back out, we're reaching our next maturity level.
Jasmine P.
April 3, 2010
Some Thoughts on Religion
This past Thursday I kind of attempted to explain my thoughts on religion to a Christian friend of mine. It was difficult because I didn't want to sounds disrespectful of religion but at the same time I was attempting to explain, sort of, why I don't really prescribe to any "religion".
I was raised primarily attending a Protestant church, Heritage Fellowship United Church of Christ. With my father I'd attend a Catholic church, and when we visited my Grandmother if we went to church it was to Moravian church. I was an usher for my church, I participated in Sunday School and went to Bible Camp in the summer. I was an active enough member and helped with some outreach programs that were both religious and not religiously motivated.
I was raised Christian.
Since my mother died I stopped going to church, mostly because she was the one taking me. Church was also getting annoying because I was really getting tired of people's sympathy, there was more to my short life of 18 years than my mother's death. I didn't want to hear condolences. I tell people my mom 'died' because outside of that and saying she is 'deceased' it sounds like you're trying to soften the blow. The moment she died, I grew up. In some way. In many ways I was still a child, but as far as the death of someone close to me, I had handled it. I didn't need to go to God to find answers because science had provided them. A random mutation gave her lymphoma. Chemotherapy and medication ruined her body, she was dead. She's not 'lost', hasn't 'passed on', she's not 'gone' or whatever 'kind' words people use. She was dead, I accepted it and I don't like other people bringing it up. It's one thing if I were to initiate the conversation, it's another when I'd hear every time they saw me 'how are you doing?' or 'is everything okay?' I was tired of the compassion, I had things to do such as graduating and getting onto college. I mourned in my own way which involved dwelling, writing and drawing. A deity had nothing to do with it. I didn't pray, I meditated and decided it was better with her dead. She wasn't in pain, and I'd rather her be dead and a memory then a constant depressing reminder of just how fucked up death can be. Daily visits to a hospital to sit next to the body of my mother who was barely able to do more than listen was not fun. It was fucking depressing. My senior year of high school got fucked over. Things were different, difficult and easier with her dead. I can see no reason why she would have to die, but shit happens and you move on.
I can almost guarantee I'd be more fucked up and depressed if I tried to pin her death on God.
A few years later and more sciences classes that gave me more answers about the world in general than the Bible had, I decided I was Agnostic. The way I understood it, there was some sort of deity out there, maybe God, maybe gods, maybe something else. Some time later I heard of Deism, and how I understand it, some deity started everything then fucked off. I believe in science, I believe in what's tangible.
Tangible (adj); capable of being perceived especially by the sense of touch; : capable of being precisely identified or realized by the mind; capable of being appraised at an actual or approximate value.
As a kid I understood the word 'tangible' to mean something that could be seen or felt. You can't see wind but you can feel it. You can rationalize it, it affects things. Think carefully, you can't see glass or water when either is without imperfections. You see light reflected off of it, you can feel either. I understand God to be intangible. Things happen because God deems it necessary. It's blasphemous to question God. Why? The world I prefer is one where questioning things isn't just allowed, but encouraged.
With everything I have said I have yet to address my opinion of other people and their following of religion. I say 'believe what you want to'. As long as someone isn't attempting to force me to follow their beliefs, I don't care what they believe. I may think their beliefs sound a little stupid, or impractical; I may feel negatively about them, but as long as they don't try to force it on my, whatever floats their boat and finds their lost remote. If it makes you happy, so be it. If I seem happy or unhappy let me work it out myself. Don't tell me that some deity that I can't see nor truly speak to will give me the answers I desire. I can come to my own conclusion well enough.
---
In thinking about religion I have thought about what it answers and contemplated why it exists. I think that as humanoid and humanity developed and evolved they questioned the world around them. Unable to understand it they decided that there was something they couldn't see and gave it various attributes. By saying that an all powerful being, or a group of all powerful beings controlled things, early humans felt more at ease with the world deciding they knew something. In our modern society there I think some people feel at ease having an answer to life, or having a guidance for life. I think that some people like believing that there's more to life than eating, sleeping and procreation.
I have decided on my own rules. My rules for life are to over all be a good person. Don't impede others, don't let them impede you. And accomplish something. In general, accomplish something positive. Why do I think this way, I dunno. Maybe it's some residual from when I went to church. My difference is there isn't any consequence for not being a good person. When you die, you're dead. I like the afterlife shown in the movie and book What Dreams May Come. It cheered me up after my mom died because people could look how they wanted, they could be reincarnated they chose and it was like life-plus. There was no point, everything just was and people were comfortable with it. I live working towards what I want to do with my life and I'm happy this way. I'm not trying to please some deity I can't directly interact with, and I don't care to try to dispel someone else's beliefs. To adapt one of my favorite quotes "I disagree with what you believe, but I defend your right to the death to believe it." I may not care to listen or to debate, but keep on trucking.
Jasmine P.
I was raised primarily attending a Protestant church, Heritage Fellowship United Church of Christ. With my father I'd attend a Catholic church, and when we visited my Grandmother if we went to church it was to Moravian church. I was an usher for my church, I participated in Sunday School and went to Bible Camp in the summer. I was an active enough member and helped with some outreach programs that were both religious and not religiously motivated.
I was raised Christian.
Since my mother died I stopped going to church, mostly because she was the one taking me. Church was also getting annoying because I was really getting tired of people's sympathy, there was more to my short life of 18 years than my mother's death. I didn't want to hear condolences. I tell people my mom 'died' because outside of that and saying she is 'deceased' it sounds like you're trying to soften the blow. The moment she died, I grew up. In some way. In many ways I was still a child, but as far as the death of someone close to me, I had handled it. I didn't need to go to God to find answers because science had provided them. A random mutation gave her lymphoma. Chemotherapy and medication ruined her body, she was dead. She's not 'lost', hasn't 'passed on', she's not 'gone' or whatever 'kind' words people use. She was dead, I accepted it and I don't like other people bringing it up. It's one thing if I were to initiate the conversation, it's another when I'd hear every time they saw me 'how are you doing?' or 'is everything okay?' I was tired of the compassion, I had things to do such as graduating and getting onto college. I mourned in my own way which involved dwelling, writing and drawing. A deity had nothing to do with it. I didn't pray, I meditated and decided it was better with her dead. She wasn't in pain, and I'd rather her be dead and a memory then a constant depressing reminder of just how fucked up death can be. Daily visits to a hospital to sit next to the body of my mother who was barely able to do more than listen was not fun. It was fucking depressing. My senior year of high school got fucked over. Things were different, difficult and easier with her dead. I can see no reason why she would have to die, but shit happens and you move on.
I can almost guarantee I'd be more fucked up and depressed if I tried to pin her death on God.
A few years later and more sciences classes that gave me more answers about the world in general than the Bible had, I decided I was Agnostic. The way I understood it, there was some sort of deity out there, maybe God, maybe gods, maybe something else. Some time later I heard of Deism, and how I understand it, some deity started everything then fucked off. I believe in science, I believe in what's tangible.
Tangible (adj); capable of being perceived especially by the sense of touch; : capable of being precisely identified or realized by the mind; capable of being appraised at an actual or approximate value.
As a kid I understood the word 'tangible' to mean something that could be seen or felt. You can't see wind but you can feel it. You can rationalize it, it affects things. Think carefully, you can't see glass or water when either is without imperfections. You see light reflected off of it, you can feel either. I understand God to be intangible. Things happen because God deems it necessary. It's blasphemous to question God. Why? The world I prefer is one where questioning things isn't just allowed, but encouraged.
With everything I have said I have yet to address my opinion of other people and their following of religion. I say 'believe what you want to'. As long as someone isn't attempting to force me to follow their beliefs, I don't care what they believe. I may think their beliefs sound a little stupid, or impractical; I may feel negatively about them, but as long as they don't try to force it on my, whatever floats their boat and finds their lost remote. If it makes you happy, so be it. If I seem happy or unhappy let me work it out myself. Don't tell me that some deity that I can't see nor truly speak to will give me the answers I desire. I can come to my own conclusion well enough.
---
In thinking about religion I have thought about what it answers and contemplated why it exists. I think that as humanoid and humanity developed and evolved they questioned the world around them. Unable to understand it they decided that there was something they couldn't see and gave it various attributes. By saying that an all powerful being, or a group of all powerful beings controlled things, early humans felt more at ease with the world deciding they knew something. In our modern society there I think some people feel at ease having an answer to life, or having a guidance for life. I think that some people like believing that there's more to life than eating, sleeping and procreation.
I have decided on my own rules. My rules for life are to over all be a good person. Don't impede others, don't let them impede you. And accomplish something. In general, accomplish something positive. Why do I think this way, I dunno. Maybe it's some residual from when I went to church. My difference is there isn't any consequence for not being a good person. When you die, you're dead. I like the afterlife shown in the movie and book What Dreams May Come. It cheered me up after my mom died because people could look how they wanted, they could be reincarnated they chose and it was like life-plus. There was no point, everything just was and people were comfortable with it. I live working towards what I want to do with my life and I'm happy this way. I'm not trying to please some deity I can't directly interact with, and I don't care to try to dispel someone else's beliefs. To adapt one of my favorite quotes "I disagree with what you believe, but I defend your right to the death to believe it." I may not care to listen or to debate, but keep on trucking.
Jasmine P.
June 29, 2009
Crossroads: Built to Help, Only Impede
I was originally going to do a write up of the past week I spent in Wisconsin, but this seemed to be a bit more pertinent. I still want to write up about the week before I forget. That's why Twitter's nice, I wrote some stuff up there most days, so I can review it and remind myself what I did and what to write about. But for now, less about last week and more about me.
I've in a funk, again. I don't know what to do to break it. I've spent the past few days since returning to Norfolk watching Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies, which I guess I can include in my review blog. But not right now. I'm at that annoying impasse where I don't know what I want to do. Not with my education and not with tomorrow. I can't draw, so write I must.
I've recently fallen in love with writing things by hand. I hand wrote a note to a woman from New York, more to be expounded upon in the SWS/Wisconsin journal. But I kind of want to write more people letters. One to Scott, another to Ralph...that's it. Yeah, so two letters. There's the personal touch of recieving mail, and writing them. They take time, and even once the idea is written, there's writing a presentable form of the letter.
Well, let's start somewhere. Is It Okay If I Call You Mine? written and sung by Paul McCrane. Ironic time to play this song. This is kind of how I feel about Paul, but also at the moment, men in general. Kind of. I mean, first there is my interest in someone who hasn't called me back. I fear his phone is lost or something. Then there's Phillip, who's interest in my was professed by two other people in drunken stupor. I doubt they remember telling me this, but a large part of me doesn't want to inquire about it, but if someone cares, why not try for something. Then there's Beau, and that one I assume is all in my head. He's a cutie, and I could have sworn just last week when I friended him on facebook he was in a relationship with someone, but that's beside the point. Interest in him came from his drunken excitement in seeing me. Yeah, prefixed by drunken, so who knows. I have also decided that the actors Lee Pace and Tyrone Lietso. Bt incrredible cute and adorable. I see Paul is Pace's performace from PD, which makes me think he's still quite in the running for my heart for things more serous, but at the same time, I haven't seen the man/boy in a month! A month! He hasn't answered his phone or anything. I'm sitting in the middle of a road of attention, attraction and affection [alliterative a...] and not a peep. I tied calling about thirty minutes ago. Maybe he'll call. I hope so. Hell, I want the simplicity of a kiss. I want and crave contact. So many people, so close and yet oh so terribly far.
Like aways, I know what I want, but differently, I have potential venues, but won't go for any of them. I was fine, when I almost had someone, now? Ha! I'm back to just plain needing someone. I need something to guide my attention, to help motivate me. For whatever reason I've actually made the Fourth of July into something important and want someone to spend the night with. I normally couldn't give a rat's ass for the damn day, but apparently in my vulnerable state I want someone. Last week I was distracted, as with the week before, but now, it's me and only me.
This is an island that sucks. Maybe someone will actually call. The Ficus might, but that's not as pressing to me as pretty much anyone else calling. I want attention. I want to be loved. I want to be romantically loved. Hell, I know plenty of people on this stupid orb love me, platonically, but I want a romantic relationship. Pining, I'm pining away for most anything.
Aside from my heart, I was feeling a change of pace for a short period f time and going back to science for a degree, but now I'm feeling art again. I'm also feeling not earning a degree and just striking out on my own. Dorien and Miguel keep saying how hard it is, but they haven't done that. They both almost got away, then went crawling back home. I'm not doing that. Love or not, I'm getting out of this crummy state. I'm getting away where all the disturbed girls are. My papa never put his ping-ping in my po-po, but there is something rotten in the Denver of Virginia. And the Denmark too.
Apparenlty, I've stopping caring about who might stumble upon this piece of privacy, and that's well enough. It's here for someone to read, and not just for me to write. I dunno, maybe I'll escape the easiest way I know how, into the tombs of a new book. Well, new, old, re-read, or something I left to be enjoyed at a later date. I dunno, maybe I'm a little inspired from eading the writings of Jonathan Ames who had his writings published, and they were of a varying private nature, personal if nothing else. Maybe it's better to toss life out to the void of it's reality and see who stops and inspects. Maybe something good will come out of it. With my luck, nothing will, but that's also just as well. I always want someone to read these, but at the same time, I seriously want no one to read them.
Jasmine P.
I've in a funk, again. I don't know what to do to break it. I've spent the past few days since returning to Norfolk watching Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies, which I guess I can include in my review blog. But not right now. I'm at that annoying impasse where I don't know what I want to do. Not with my education and not with tomorrow. I can't draw, so write I must.
I've recently fallen in love with writing things by hand. I hand wrote a note to a woman from New York, more to be expounded upon in the SWS/Wisconsin journal. But I kind of want to write more people letters. One to Scott, another to Ralph...that's it. Yeah, so two letters. There's the personal touch of recieving mail, and writing them. They take time, and even once the idea is written, there's writing a presentable form of the letter.
Well, let's start somewhere. Is It Okay If I Call You Mine? written and sung by Paul McCrane. Ironic time to play this song. This is kind of how I feel about Paul, but also at the moment, men in general. Kind of. I mean, first there is my interest in someone who hasn't called me back. I fear his phone is lost or something. Then there's Phillip, who's interest in my was professed by two other people in drunken stupor. I doubt they remember telling me this, but a large part of me doesn't want to inquire about it, but if someone cares, why not try for something. Then there's Beau, and that one I assume is all in my head. He's a cutie, and I could have sworn just last week when I friended him on facebook he was in a relationship with someone, but that's beside the point. Interest in him came from his drunken excitement in seeing me. Yeah, prefixed by drunken, so who knows. I have also decided that the actors Lee Pace and Tyrone Lietso. Bt incrredible cute and adorable. I see Paul is Pace's performace from PD, which makes me think he's still quite in the running for my heart for things more serous, but at the same time, I haven't seen the man/boy in a month! A month! He hasn't answered his phone or anything. I'm sitting in the middle of a road of attention, attraction and affection [alliterative a...] and not a peep. I tied calling about thirty minutes ago. Maybe he'll call. I hope so. Hell, I want the simplicity of a kiss. I want and crave contact. So many people, so close and yet oh so terribly far.
Like aways, I know what I want, but differently, I have potential venues, but won't go for any of them. I was fine, when I almost had someone, now? Ha! I'm back to just plain needing someone. I need something to guide my attention, to help motivate me. For whatever reason I've actually made the Fourth of July into something important and want someone to spend the night with. I normally couldn't give a rat's ass for the damn day, but apparently in my vulnerable state I want someone. Last week I was distracted, as with the week before, but now, it's me and only me.
This is an island that sucks. Maybe someone will actually call. The Ficus might, but that's not as pressing to me as pretty much anyone else calling. I want attention. I want to be loved. I want to be romantically loved. Hell, I know plenty of people on this stupid orb love me, platonically, but I want a romantic relationship. Pining, I'm pining away for most anything.
Aside from my heart, I was feeling a change of pace for a short period f time and going back to science for a degree, but now I'm feeling art again. I'm also feeling not earning a degree and just striking out on my own. Dorien and Miguel keep saying how hard it is, but they haven't done that. They both almost got away, then went crawling back home. I'm not doing that. Love or not, I'm getting out of this crummy state. I'm getting away where all the disturbed girls are. My papa never put his ping-ping in my po-po, but there is something rotten in the Denver of Virginia. And the Denmark too.
Apparenlty, I've stopping caring about who might stumble upon this piece of privacy, and that's well enough. It's here for someone to read, and not just for me to write. I dunno, maybe I'll escape the easiest way I know how, into the tombs of a new book. Well, new, old, re-read, or something I left to be enjoyed at a later date. I dunno, maybe I'm a little inspired from eading the writings of Jonathan Ames who had his writings published, and they were of a varying private nature, personal if nothing else. Maybe it's better to toss life out to the void of it's reality and see who stops and inspects. Maybe something good will come out of it. With my luck, nothing will, but that's also just as well. I always want someone to read these, but at the same time, I seriously want no one to read them.
Jasmine P.
March 15, 2009
A Sea of Dire Straits
I really do have too much fun with non-sequitor titles, and my room is cold. Time to return the apartment temperature to it's proper 70 deg. place, then to continue on my post-op life :)
--
One minute later...
damn, that wasn't the apartment, that was me...which is probably a bad thing. Let's check our temperature. 99.1. Not the most worrisome thing, but I'll keep an eye on it, and I guess I'll take a short nap. I mean, I just took some ibuprofen about twenty minutes ago, so that's still working on kicking in.
Considering I can't remember where I left off, another moment or two to see what I last spoke about. :) So I drifted from Thursday night to Saturday morning. I'll write about trying to sleep then onto Friday, for reals.
-----
Sleeping in the hospital was hell, like always for me. Too many damn lights, and I'm supposed to sleep on my back? Friggin' impossible. So I try sleeping seriously around eleven and wake up around one. Knowing sleep won't be easy for me, I just chill and watch some King of the Hill, the beginning of an episode I'd watched the end of prior to sleep. I listened to some random SMod while sleeping and laughed at the stories that the gents shared. I woke up every few hours, once to pee, the other times to just try to lay back and get comfortable again. Dr. Reed came in arounf 6:30am and checked the bandages and spoke with me for a minute. I can't remember what he said, but I relaxed and watched a little bit of Wings before trying to sleep again. This time, aroung 7:30 Dr. Noorbakhsh came in, looked at the bandages and told me I'd be able to leave in a few hours.
I just chilled and watched TV alternately between listening to SMod until breakfast. Eating sucked because they hadn't given me any pain killers and my throat hurt from a tube they stuck down it during surgery. Aroung 10 they gave me some nampersin and after than the pain deminished. Dad and Pattie got to the hospital around 10:30 and I was back in the apartment by about noon. We dropped off the 'scrip and continued back to Powhatan where I told the guys of my inability to sleep. We chatted and Miguel and Dorien hung out with me when Dad and Pattie left to pick up the meds. I ate some lasagna slowly, as my throat still hurt, and didn't move much for about an hour. The guys left aroung 1, Dad and Pattie aoung 1:30 then I was alone and watched a coupl-a flicks.
Elizabeth came over around 4 and we chatted until 6, at which time I tok more drugs and watched more movies. Around nine something the Midget-bitch came back and that irritated me. I went to bed around 11 and slept awkwardly. Aroung 4:30 I woke up needing to pee, but was so afraid of tearing out my sutures that I waited too long and peed on my leg which was distressing and I was tired. It was a lot of pee, and I was more worried about blood because at an earlier time when I'd gone to the bathroom one of my healing wounds kept bleeding, just slowly dripping blood. I didn't want to see more blood falling from me so I stalled. Eventually I peed and one of the giand bandage pads I was given fell into the toilet, so I had to get that before flushing the toilet. I ended up making a sign to tell the Midget-bitch not to use the bathroom until I could clean the floor because I was in no state to clean that damn floor at no 5 in the morning.
I took some more drugs and went back to bed. I woke around 11 and ate more lasagna and took some more pain killers and sat high on the couch for at least 3 hours. I had no concept of time. Pretty awesome though. Watched more movies and tried typing which was idiotic because what I wrote made no sense. Still pretty fun. It was a pleasant lazy day I was typing description for dA, so I uploaded a few inked pictures and sketches that I want to color and just chilled. That evening I finally gave my stitches a good look and they didn't look as bad as I was thinking. They weren't really painful either, but I was also riding some painkiler or another so I couldn't feel pain, even if I wanted to.
I didn't do much and went to bed. Sunday, today, I woke up and made myself breakfast. Eggs, bacon and toast before sitting on the couch and watching Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Still amused by this movie. It's also been interesitng to see Kevin Smith's writing evolve, and his accpetance of ad-libbing. Back during Clerks, they stuck to the script, and now during Z&M they were riffing and it made it in. Maybe part of that, but I didn't notice his conversations coming out as much. Mallrats had some serious Clerks style conversations going on, but none of the rest of the Jersey Triliogy[even if there are 6 and not 3] seemed to have that going, not even ClerksII. I missed his clever writing, but I could appreciate it during Jersey Girl, which I don't understand why people didn't like it. I could see it being difficult to market, but it's a good movie in it's own right. I don't regret buying any of these movies and they've been an awesome way to relax for the weekend as I've been resting after my surgery.
I finished Z&M and watched the Making Of doc, and some of the features before decided I ought to read my english stuff, but opting to write a bit instead. Nothing hard hitting, just my life and what not.
I'm now going to take a nap, and I'll take care of things later. English and psych, and I jsut realized that I forgot to interview my brother's for my psych homework, I'll ask them it over the phone or something. I dunno. It's not due until Friday, so I have some time to take care of it. Rest first, work later. :)
Jasmine P.
--
One minute later...
damn, that wasn't the apartment, that was me...which is probably a bad thing. Let's check our temperature. 99.1. Not the most worrisome thing, but I'll keep an eye on it, and I guess I'll take a short nap. I mean, I just took some ibuprofen about twenty minutes ago, so that's still working on kicking in.
Considering I can't remember where I left off, another moment or two to see what I last spoke about. :) So I drifted from Thursday night to Saturday morning. I'll write about trying to sleep then onto Friday, for reals.
-----
Sleeping in the hospital was hell, like always for me. Too many damn lights, and I'm supposed to sleep on my back? Friggin' impossible. So I try sleeping seriously around eleven and wake up around one. Knowing sleep won't be easy for me, I just chill and watch some King of the Hill, the beginning of an episode I'd watched the end of prior to sleep. I listened to some random SMod while sleeping and laughed at the stories that the gents shared. I woke up every few hours, once to pee, the other times to just try to lay back and get comfortable again. Dr. Reed came in arounf 6:30am and checked the bandages and spoke with me for a minute. I can't remember what he said, but I relaxed and watched a little bit of Wings before trying to sleep again. This time, aroung 7:30 Dr. Noorbakhsh came in, looked at the bandages and told me I'd be able to leave in a few hours.
I just chilled and watched TV alternately between listening to SMod until breakfast. Eating sucked because they hadn't given me any pain killers and my throat hurt from a tube they stuck down it during surgery. Aroung 10 they gave me some nampersin and after than the pain deminished. Dad and Pattie got to the hospital around 10:30 and I was back in the apartment by about noon. We dropped off the 'scrip and continued back to Powhatan where I told the guys of my inability to sleep. We chatted and Miguel and Dorien hung out with me when Dad and Pattie left to pick up the meds. I ate some lasagna slowly, as my throat still hurt, and didn't move much for about an hour. The guys left aroung 1, Dad and Pattie aoung 1:30 then I was alone and watched a coupl-a flicks.
Elizabeth came over around 4 and we chatted until 6, at which time I tok more drugs and watched more movies. Around nine something the Midget-bitch came back and that irritated me. I went to bed around 11 and slept awkwardly. Aroung 4:30 I woke up needing to pee, but was so afraid of tearing out my sutures that I waited too long and peed on my leg which was distressing and I was tired. It was a lot of pee, and I was more worried about blood because at an earlier time when I'd gone to the bathroom one of my healing wounds kept bleeding, just slowly dripping blood. I didn't want to see more blood falling from me so I stalled. Eventually I peed and one of the giand bandage pads I was given fell into the toilet, so I had to get that before flushing the toilet. I ended up making a sign to tell the Midget-bitch not to use the bathroom until I could clean the floor because I was in no state to clean that damn floor at no 5 in the morning.
I took some more drugs and went back to bed. I woke around 11 and ate more lasagna and took some more pain killers and sat high on the couch for at least 3 hours. I had no concept of time. Pretty awesome though. Watched more movies and tried typing which was idiotic because what I wrote made no sense. Still pretty fun. It was a pleasant lazy day I was typing description for dA, so I uploaded a few inked pictures and sketches that I want to color and just chilled. That evening I finally gave my stitches a good look and they didn't look as bad as I was thinking. They weren't really painful either, but I was also riding some painkiler or another so I couldn't feel pain, even if I wanted to.
I didn't do much and went to bed. Sunday, today, I woke up and made myself breakfast. Eggs, bacon and toast before sitting on the couch and watching Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Still amused by this movie. It's also been interesitng to see Kevin Smith's writing evolve, and his accpetance of ad-libbing. Back during Clerks, they stuck to the script, and now during Z&M they were riffing and it made it in. Maybe part of that, but I didn't notice his conversations coming out as much. Mallrats had some serious Clerks style conversations going on, but none of the rest of the Jersey Triliogy[even if there are 6 and not 3] seemed to have that going, not even ClerksII. I missed his clever writing, but I could appreciate it during Jersey Girl, which I don't understand why people didn't like it. I could see it being difficult to market, but it's a good movie in it's own right. I don't regret buying any of these movies and they've been an awesome way to relax for the weekend as I've been resting after my surgery.
I finished Z&M and watched the Making Of doc, and some of the features before decided I ought to read my english stuff, but opting to write a bit instead. Nothing hard hitting, just my life and what not.
I'm now going to take a nap, and I'll take care of things later. English and psych, and I jsut realized that I forgot to interview my brother's for my psych homework, I'll ask them it over the phone or something. I dunno. It's not due until Friday, so I have some time to take care of it. Rest first, work later. :)
Jasmine P.
March 4, 2009
Another Day, Another Rant
I'm not trying with a much mroe conscious effort to maintain this for the time being considering i can't really draw. So from one passive-aggressive activity to another. But I'm also not really angry or at any real emotion outcropping, but I don't really care for most of what I draw. At the moment, if I'm not trying, it comes out awesomely
Anywho, I'm starting this off listening to Sway. This song is so totally my favorite song right now, it's just so pleasant and so much fun to sing to. It's the right type of moving that can cheer me up or calm me down. I just read an article about happiness and different myths, and something the author was talking about was people dealing with upset feelings and getting their happy back. I've know for a long time that music has one of the greatest effects for me. When I'm angry I listen to the power of a song, ignoring the lyrics. When I'm calmer and at peace I listen to something more placid and fluid. When I'm energetic it's something pumped, and then there are all the lines inbetween. Classical, techno, rock, rap, R&B, they each have their moments with me and for my emotions. I'm glad I figured out early on, on one way to harnes my emotions, to express them, then to get back in control of them. If I listen to Rammstein too much in a short period of time I know something's wrong. Most everything else is cool. Coheed and Cambria i'm a little upset, a little off, but mostly I'm fine. The Willing Well IV by C&C just started. They have a very measured tone for some of their songs which works depending on what I need. But I wasn't rally going to talk about that for too long, I was going to review the past few days. Why? Why the fuck not?
Hmm, we had Monday classes cancelled because of a little show and ice. I spent my day on the couch once I rolled out of bed and watched some B:TAS which was alright. The season 4 art really doesn't work out as well for the characters. Scarecrow makes more sense being a skinny fuck, and why the hell is Poison Ivy grey skinned now? I still like the episodes, and I'm fine with with Tim Drake, Dick Grayson was getting to be an annoying ass anyway. But his Nightwing design is poo.
Man, this is the least focused I've been for writing in a while. Heh, non since a Psych assignment from a few weeks back. That took too fucking long D8
Well, I've left the 'Batfamily Reunion' wallpaper behind and have moved onto the 3PS one I have of Risu. I like the simplicity of it. Seirously.
Hmm, apparently my life has been so boring for the past few days that I can't even maintain my attention span to write about it. I'll talk about food for a wee bit, and twitter before I go and pop some more tramadol and the sleep aid from tylenol pm and go to bed 2 hours earlier than I normally do.
Yesterday and on monday I made my own little bit of 'i'm playin' with mah food' awesome. I just sauteed some hot dogs with onions, green pepper, garlic and frozen peas and carrots. I ate that mess with rice, and it was good. It seriously was pretty dan enjoyable, which was awesome. I needed something simple to eat and it worked.
Ooh, on friday I fried some chicken thighs I had. They were forzen so after the very slow process of defrosting them in the pan I was going to fry them in, I cut them into smaller pieces once they were defrosted enough and seasoned it up and fried that shits. It was delicious. I ate that with some tortalinni I hadand a homemade tomato sauce that I'm not eating as a chip dip. Go ingenunity, and not wanting to throw away my little bit of food more often than I already do =D
Tonight's awesome dinner was a simple chicken soup I made. I defrosted three chicken legs I seasoned back in October and boiled them in water that was very simply seasoned. It was also a very small pot so there wasn't much room, but the chicken came out hella tender, which was freakin' sweet. I wish I had put something sweet into it though, maybe next time I'll drain a can of corn and toss that in, I'll also be working in a larger pot. I poured that into a bowl with some rice and it made for a small, but good enough dinner. I'm a little hungry 3 hours later, but it was a very low calorie dinner I guess. I'll be fine, and I can always lose a few pounds.
Speaking of weight loss, I looked at my face yesterday, and it seemed to be a bit skinner than I reemberd it being. Not as svelt and skinny as it was in Septeber post hospital stay, but a bit mroe slender than normal. My diet is the same, and I'm still not really exercsing, but oh well.
I've been a lto more comfortable since that boil on my ass popped the other day. TMI, I know, but don't read this if you don't want ot read about thigns like that. but seriously, walking and sitting and pretty much everything I need to do is much easier since I don't have a large pustule crushing my nerves every two seconds with every movement. God. I'm still limping, but that's from the abscess on my thigh. Yeah, right in the useful connective skin. It sucks.
Maybe I'll be able to get my disgusting bioligical shit off of here before someone important reads this...probably not...too late.
Before Twitter, the SMod Cast. That's Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier's podcast. I seriously spent pretty much all day today listening to most of the first 6. I say most of because my internet is built on fail and only downloaded half of some of the casts, soI had to re-download them. But they did make for quite entertianing listenings while I walked from one class to another. Yeah, freakin' amusing and awesome. So, my stupid fangirlisms aside, I will say this, I still think Mosier is adorable, married or not. And both he and Kevin Smith are pretty amusing to listen to. And by 'both' I mean' Smith' because Mosier doesn't talk half as much as Smith does, but without Mosier, it wouldn't half as much fun. Sometimes I take too much pleasure from calling people by their last names.
On to Twitter. This site it still ten types of useful. I follow celeb junk, why not. And a few strangers. But I find it odd when people follow me. Like one dude who couldn't spell 'Betelgeuise' correctly followed me because I said I was renting the movie. And someone else, who I vaguely wonder is my 12th grade english teacher, is now following my on Twitter. But it would be impossible to find me because I didn't start using this handle until late 2007, early 2008, and it would be a work out for her to find me from other sites. Yeah, some link right to it, but I think it's a random person. She wanted to know the receipe for my chicken soup, because I said it was killer, but I was just enjoying it. I consider most of my non-receipes to be friggin' killer, so... yeah. But I still enjoy my twitter and am happy that award season is over because just during the Oscars I got hundreds of updates from the film groups I watch. I kind of with Miramax wouldn't post the same tweet over and over, over the course of the day, but what can I do, I mean really. I'm fine with following them.
And I think I'm all personal reviewed out and will be going to bed soon...now ish.
Peace out internet. Have a good one, and I'll be back bright and early in the morning. :)
Jasmine P.
Anywho, I'm starting this off listening to Sway. This song is so totally my favorite song right now, it's just so pleasant and so much fun to sing to. It's the right type of moving that can cheer me up or calm me down. I just read an article about happiness and different myths, and something the author was talking about was people dealing with upset feelings and getting their happy back. I've know for a long time that music has one of the greatest effects for me. When I'm angry I listen to the power of a song, ignoring the lyrics. When I'm calmer and at peace I listen to something more placid and fluid. When I'm energetic it's something pumped, and then there are all the lines inbetween. Classical, techno, rock, rap, R&B, they each have their moments with me and for my emotions. I'm glad I figured out early on, on one way to harnes my emotions, to express them, then to get back in control of them. If I listen to Rammstein too much in a short period of time I know something's wrong. Most everything else is cool. Coheed and Cambria i'm a little upset, a little off, but mostly I'm fine. The Willing Well IV by C&C just started. They have a very measured tone for some of their songs which works depending on what I need. But I wasn't rally going to talk about that for too long, I was going to review the past few days. Why? Why the fuck not?
Hmm, we had Monday classes cancelled because of a little show and ice. I spent my day on the couch once I rolled out of bed and watched some B:TAS which was alright. The season 4 art really doesn't work out as well for the characters. Scarecrow makes more sense being a skinny fuck, and why the hell is Poison Ivy grey skinned now? I still like the episodes, and I'm fine with with Tim Drake, Dick Grayson was getting to be an annoying ass anyway. But his Nightwing design is poo.
Man, this is the least focused I've been for writing in a while. Heh, non since a Psych assignment from a few weeks back. That took too fucking long D8
Well, I've left the 'Batfamily Reunion' wallpaper behind and have moved onto the 3PS one I have of Risu. I like the simplicity of it. Seirously.
Hmm, apparently my life has been so boring for the past few days that I can't even maintain my attention span to write about it. I'll talk about food for a wee bit, and twitter before I go and pop some more tramadol and the sleep aid from tylenol pm and go to bed 2 hours earlier than I normally do.
Yesterday and on monday I made my own little bit of 'i'm playin' with mah food' awesome. I just sauteed some hot dogs with onions, green pepper, garlic and frozen peas and carrots. I ate that mess with rice, and it was good. It seriously was pretty dan enjoyable, which was awesome. I needed something simple to eat and it worked.
Ooh, on friday I fried some chicken thighs I had. They were forzen so after the very slow process of defrosting them in the pan I was going to fry them in, I cut them into smaller pieces once they were defrosted enough and seasoned it up and fried that shits. It was delicious. I ate that with some tortalinni I hadand a homemade tomato sauce that I'm not eating as a chip dip. Go ingenunity, and not wanting to throw away my little bit of food more often than I already do =D
Tonight's awesome dinner was a simple chicken soup I made. I defrosted three chicken legs I seasoned back in October and boiled them in water that was very simply seasoned. It was also a very small pot so there wasn't much room, but the chicken came out hella tender, which was freakin' sweet. I wish I had put something sweet into it though, maybe next time I'll drain a can of corn and toss that in, I'll also be working in a larger pot. I poured that into a bowl with some rice and it made for a small, but good enough dinner. I'm a little hungry 3 hours later, but it was a very low calorie dinner I guess. I'll be fine, and I can always lose a few pounds.
Speaking of weight loss, I looked at my face yesterday, and it seemed to be a bit skinner than I reemberd it being. Not as svelt and skinny as it was in Septeber post hospital stay, but a bit mroe slender than normal. My diet is the same, and I'm still not really exercsing, but oh well.
I've been a lto more comfortable since that boil on my ass popped the other day. TMI, I know, but don't read this if you don't want ot read about thigns like that. but seriously, walking and sitting and pretty much everything I need to do is much easier since I don't have a large pustule crushing my nerves every two seconds with every movement. God. I'm still limping, but that's from the abscess on my thigh. Yeah, right in the useful connective skin. It sucks.
Maybe I'll be able to get my disgusting bioligical shit off of here before someone important reads this...probably not...too late.
Before Twitter, the SMod Cast. That's Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier's podcast. I seriously spent pretty much all day today listening to most of the first 6. I say most of because my internet is built on fail and only downloaded half of some of the casts, soI had to re-download them. But they did make for quite entertianing listenings while I walked from one class to another. Yeah, freakin' amusing and awesome. So, my stupid fangirlisms aside, I will say this, I still think Mosier is adorable, married or not. And both he and Kevin Smith are pretty amusing to listen to. And by 'both' I mean' Smith' because Mosier doesn't talk half as much as Smith does, but without Mosier, it wouldn't half as much fun. Sometimes I take too much pleasure from calling people by their last names.
On to Twitter. This site it still ten types of useful. I follow celeb junk, why not. And a few strangers. But I find it odd when people follow me. Like one dude who couldn't spell 'Betelgeuise' correctly followed me because I said I was renting the movie. And someone else, who I vaguely wonder is my 12th grade english teacher, is now following my on Twitter. But it would be impossible to find me because I didn't start using this handle until late 2007, early 2008, and it would be a work out for her to find me from other sites. Yeah, some link right to it, but I think it's a random person. She wanted to know the receipe for my chicken soup, because I said it was killer, but I was just enjoying it. I consider most of my non-receipes to be friggin' killer, so... yeah. But I still enjoy my twitter and am happy that award season is over because just during the Oscars I got hundreds of updates from the film groups I watch. I kind of with Miramax wouldn't post the same tweet over and over, over the course of the day, but what can I do, I mean really. I'm fine with following them.
And I think I'm all personal reviewed out and will be going to bed soon...now ish.
Peace out internet. Have a good one, and I'll be back bright and early in the morning. :)
Jasmine P.
March 1, 2009
A Continuation
Now, to continue with my not quite sordid affairs that have lasted me the past two months, we are now in February and I remember the past month with much more clarity than the prior, because it has been two goddamn months since January. Also, January was so long because it was packed with non-sequitors that came to mind and extra details. But onto the rest of Feruary.
On the 15th we went out to UVA for a tournament and I drank so much goddam coffee that my addiction as seriously be re-ignited in a painful way. Seriously, I drank 2 double shots before 8, and a edius Dunkin' Doughnuts coffee so I could be alert enough for the drive. I learned that Glenn is crap at maintaining a speed. He says this is the furthurest he's driven him 'new' stick shift, which I can accept, he also blames his cruise control for not working properly and I don't accept that because I can maintain my speed better, as far as I'm concerned, and I haveno cruise control. It's all in my foot, baby.
Oh yeah, the previous day, Valentines day, after sobering up enouhg for it to be safe for me to drive from Ian's place, I head over to the Walmart on Little Creek to buy some gatorade and thigns because I don't know what UVA's going to have, and it was a good idea. The gatorade was quite welomed as was the water, so I think I'll keep that up next semester, buying a case of water and a few gatorades for the fencers.
Za made some awesome cookies. Just pointing that out. They were delicious.
Hmm, I glossed over the torunie yesterday, it was a tournie the stats were put down quick style, so let's move back to me. That was Sunday, I was too tired upon returning to Norfolk to do my English reading, but ehh, I tink I had a writing and didn't do it it. Sleep prevailed. Hel, I was tired all day Monday from making the drive and not sleeping properly the weekend before. Hmm, On the Tuesday I went into the EVMS for a surgical consultation for my skin bacteria of terrible and pain and annoying and now itch. Fuck the healing, I'm tired fo the itchiness. But I go in there and after Dr. Britt sees them we figure outwhen I'll be getting them taken care of, the Thursday of my Spring Break, the 12th or something. I think it's the thirteenth.
After about an hour long conversation with my grandmother...
I spent the rest of that tuesday and that week to tell the truth trying to placate my family and tell them what was going on. That was tedious. Seriously tedious. I had to alay theri fears, but noe my father, Patti and my brothers are coming for about two days to hang with me and I dunno, to show they care. My brothers Ihave no problem with. But my father a few more issues because it's not like he's tried to maintan contact with me. I mean, yeah, I do call my brothers about once a week or so, so it's not that often, but we can still maintain a conversation. I never rally want to tell my father anything so I avoid telling him too many truths. He knows I'm goinginto surgery because you tell people that. And he's paying my insurance bills, he kind of really should know. I don't really want them to be here, but they're coming, so I guess I can deal.
Ehh, I've decided that augmentin is a bitch of a anti-bacterial. They gave it to me and now these things bleed, but they don't hurt all the time like before. They're just bloody and gross more often. Man, I'm sleepy now, but I have things to do and things I want to do, like see if I can find a new comic or two, but back to the past. That was that week.
I was bored and alone on Friday. I had been fine up until Friday to be on my own for the weekend, but once Friday ngiht hit I had a mean wave of lonely going on, so I went on an adventure down 64, heading east. That eventually took me to route 17, so I went south and all the way to Elizabeth City. I never didn't anything there, but that's because it was ten, it was dark and nothing was really open. Bumble-fuck towns suck like that. Back in Reston I could drive around and find something, almost anything would have been viable in NoVA, but not here. Yeah. I burned through half a tank of gas doing that too. Thankfully I havne't needed any more glas since then though, or else it would have been that much more annoying.
Saturday I don't remember what I did, but Saturday evening I hung out with Nicole. Incase of anything in the fture, Nicole is a new member to the odufc and she's pretty chill. Anywho, she made a homemade hot pocket, that's something I think I'll try, but I'll need a different type of binding agent, not cream cheese. I might try some type of gravy that's thickened with cracker crumbs or bread. I don't know yet.
This past week was fine, nothing spectacular. This past weekend I watched Clerks and have fallen in love. Ever since I saw Zack and Miri I read a book about Kevin Smith, well, it was a series of journals he had written back around 2003 before filming Jay and Silentbob Strike Back. I found the whole thing to be interesting and Smith has an interesting and unique writing style. I fell in love with Clerks for the reasons it got picked up. There's no real story, but it is a series of interactions. Some are inspired by things that have really happened, some are just some fucked up things he made up. It's a smooth combination of the two that make it awesome to watch. These conversations remind me of my favorite interactions with people, most notably, my interactions with Alex. Dant and Randal have a rapport that reminds me of me and Alex chatting about everything and nothing. And at the same time, everything is important, even if we're just talking about some movie or something stupid. Their conversations were what people did.
My opinion on why the movie is so well loved is that it is one of the most realistic looks at a normal 2o something. They're just stumbling around life and chatting about whatis important at that age. There's no easy way to lay the movie out, but I was caught my Smith's writing during Z&M which is why I needed to see this and for the next few months I'll be watching his other movies. I'll continue through the View Askew Universe to see what I can gleam from everything else. It's jsut a really unique writing style so it's also easy to see why he doesn't like ad-libbing, even thought ad-libbing is one of my favorite things.
I seriously can't put it all into words, this is easily something I'll be able to come back to some time in the future, what I think about this movie. But it's on my list. Something I will own as a DVD, and whatever entity of personal film ownership there will be in the future. It's something I will love when I'm 50, and I'll show it to my kids. Why, it just says something that most anyone at the age of 20-ish can get. Everyone will take away something different, but still important to know or understand about themselves and their friends.
From the extras there were comments about Randal's sexuality, but like they said it's a friend thing. People you're reall ygood friends with you become very protective of them. I'm highly protective of all of my friends, and I'm serious about it all. I would do most anything for any of my really good friends. That's how I am, that's how I pictured Randal. There's another character...Shawn and Gus from PSych have that type of relationship. They're best friends, and they're the only ones who can properly set the other straight, though in the movie Randal set Dante straight more often than not. It would seem like Dante would be in that position, but it works that it's Randal who does that. It's interesting to see the person who seems to be less serious and in control of things to be the much more centered person. The free spirit leads better sometimes and that day, that was the truth.
---
Well, not much more than a nut shell, that was the past two months for me. This journal and the previous one. I've needed to write and haven't had a good topic until now. A large part of it has been Clerks it made me want to write a script. I may start it. I may now, possibly. That's something I have to think about, but at the moment, it is something I'd like to do. But writing this out will also be good for the future when I don't remember my college experiences. Things like this will put some things back into perspective. I'll write more, probably. I might need to just write out something every evening since I have such a writing bug. I guess simply writing out my day will suffice. So maybe for a time this will just be a real journal and not a random collection of essays, but I do love the essays. They're me at my most me. Me at my most me. I'm at ease. I think the rain plus the movies and finally writing has set me to an easy. It's been so cathartic, I miss writing like this. I'll make the time for it since I can't draw worth shit right now, I might as well spend my time writing again.
Well, peace, love and applesauce. I'm not going to sleep, but I'm signing out for now. so PL&A and I'm rocked out, bitches.
Jasmine P.
On the 15th we went out to UVA for a tournament and I drank so much goddam coffee that my addiction as seriously be re-ignited in a painful way. Seriously, I drank 2 double shots before 8, and a edius Dunkin' Doughnuts coffee so I could be alert enough for the drive. I learned that Glenn is crap at maintaining a speed. He says this is the furthurest he's driven him 'new' stick shift, which I can accept, he also blames his cruise control for not working properly and I don't accept that because I can maintain my speed better, as far as I'm concerned, and I haveno cruise control. It's all in my foot, baby.
Oh yeah, the previous day, Valentines day, after sobering up enouhg for it to be safe for me to drive from Ian's place, I head over to the Walmart on Little Creek to buy some gatorade and thigns because I don't know what UVA's going to have, and it was a good idea. The gatorade was quite welomed as was the water, so I think I'll keep that up next semester, buying a case of water and a few gatorades for the fencers.
Za made some awesome cookies. Just pointing that out. They were delicious.
Hmm, I glossed over the torunie yesterday, it was a tournie the stats were put down quick style, so let's move back to me. That was Sunday, I was too tired upon returning to Norfolk to do my English reading, but ehh, I tink I had a writing and didn't do it it. Sleep prevailed. Hel, I was tired all day Monday from making the drive and not sleeping properly the weekend before. Hmm, On the Tuesday I went into the EVMS for a surgical consultation for my skin bacteria of terrible and pain and annoying and now itch. Fuck the healing, I'm tired fo the itchiness. But I go in there and after Dr. Britt sees them we figure outwhen I'll be getting them taken care of, the Thursday of my Spring Break, the 12th or something. I think it's the thirteenth.
After about an hour long conversation with my grandmother...
I spent the rest of that tuesday and that week to tell the truth trying to placate my family and tell them what was going on. That was tedious. Seriously tedious. I had to alay theri fears, but noe my father, Patti and my brothers are coming for about two days to hang with me and I dunno, to show they care. My brothers Ihave no problem with. But my father a few more issues because it's not like he's tried to maintan contact with me. I mean, yeah, I do call my brothers about once a week or so, so it's not that often, but we can still maintain a conversation. I never rally want to tell my father anything so I avoid telling him too many truths. He knows I'm goinginto surgery because you tell people that. And he's paying my insurance bills, he kind of really should know. I don't really want them to be here, but they're coming, so I guess I can deal.
Ehh, I've decided that augmentin is a bitch of a anti-bacterial. They gave it to me and now these things bleed, but they don't hurt all the time like before. They're just bloody and gross more often. Man, I'm sleepy now, but I have things to do and things I want to do, like see if I can find a new comic or two, but back to the past. That was that week.
I was bored and alone on Friday. I had been fine up until Friday to be on my own for the weekend, but once Friday ngiht hit I had a mean wave of lonely going on, so I went on an adventure down 64, heading east. That eventually took me to route 17, so I went south and all the way to Elizabeth City. I never didn't anything there, but that's because it was ten, it was dark and nothing was really open. Bumble-fuck towns suck like that. Back in Reston I could drive around and find something, almost anything would have been viable in NoVA, but not here. Yeah. I burned through half a tank of gas doing that too. Thankfully I havne't needed any more glas since then though, or else it would have been that much more annoying.
Saturday I don't remember what I did, but Saturday evening I hung out with Nicole. Incase of anything in the fture, Nicole is a new member to the odufc and she's pretty chill. Anywho, she made a homemade hot pocket, that's something I think I'll try, but I'll need a different type of binding agent, not cream cheese. I might try some type of gravy that's thickened with cracker crumbs or bread. I don't know yet.
This past week was fine, nothing spectacular. This past weekend I watched Clerks and have fallen in love. Ever since I saw Zack and Miri I read a book about Kevin Smith, well, it was a series of journals he had written back around 2003 before filming Jay and Silentbob Strike Back. I found the whole thing to be interesting and Smith has an interesting and unique writing style. I fell in love with Clerks for the reasons it got picked up. There's no real story, but it is a series of interactions. Some are inspired by things that have really happened, some are just some fucked up things he made up. It's a smooth combination of the two that make it awesome to watch. These conversations remind me of my favorite interactions with people, most notably, my interactions with Alex. Dant and Randal have a rapport that reminds me of me and Alex chatting about everything and nothing. And at the same time, everything is important, even if we're just talking about some movie or something stupid. Their conversations were what people did.
My opinion on why the movie is so well loved is that it is one of the most realistic looks at a normal 2o something. They're just stumbling around life and chatting about whatis important at that age. There's no easy way to lay the movie out, but I was caught my Smith's writing during Z&M which is why I needed to see this and for the next few months I'll be watching his other movies. I'll continue through the View Askew Universe to see what I can gleam from everything else. It's jsut a really unique writing style so it's also easy to see why he doesn't like ad-libbing, even thought ad-libbing is one of my favorite things.
I seriously can't put it all into words, this is easily something I'll be able to come back to some time in the future, what I think about this movie. But it's on my list. Something I will own as a DVD, and whatever entity of personal film ownership there will be in the future. It's something I will love when I'm 50, and I'll show it to my kids. Why, it just says something that most anyone at the age of 20-ish can get. Everyone will take away something different, but still important to know or understand about themselves and their friends.
From the extras there were comments about Randal's sexuality, but like they said it's a friend thing. People you're reall ygood friends with you become very protective of them. I'm highly protective of all of my friends, and I'm serious about it all. I would do most anything for any of my really good friends. That's how I am, that's how I pictured Randal. There's another character...Shawn and Gus from PSych have that type of relationship. They're best friends, and they're the only ones who can properly set the other straight, though in the movie Randal set Dante straight more often than not. It would seem like Dante would be in that position, but it works that it's Randal who does that. It's interesting to see the person who seems to be less serious and in control of things to be the much more centered person. The free spirit leads better sometimes and that day, that was the truth.
---
Well, not much more than a nut shell, that was the past two months for me. This journal and the previous one. I've needed to write and haven't had a good topic until now. A large part of it has been Clerks it made me want to write a script. I may start it. I may now, possibly. That's something I have to think about, but at the moment, it is something I'd like to do. But writing this out will also be good for the future when I don't remember my college experiences. Things like this will put some things back into perspective. I'll write more, probably. I might need to just write out something every evening since I have such a writing bug. I guess simply writing out my day will suffice. So maybe for a time this will just be a real journal and not a random collection of essays, but I do love the essays. They're me at my most me. Me at my most me. I'm at ease. I think the rain plus the movies and finally writing has set me to an easy. It's been so cathartic, I miss writing like this. I'll make the time for it since I can't draw worth shit right now, I might as well spend my time writing again.
Well, peace, love and applesauce. I'm not going to sleep, but I'm signing out for now. so PL&A and I'm rocked out, bitches.
Jasmine P.
On January and February 2009
Well, it's been a nie long while since I've taken any decent documentation of my life, or have written my rants and responses to muhc of anything. I think I posted on about R. Rodriguez, and just yesterday there was a letter to Kevin Smith, but nothing that will really remind me of what these past few months have been like. I have a few small things written on LJ, but nothing really major or interesting. Well a few things have happened, but I'm not at liberty to post it here, but that will be taken care of being written somewhere, but not on the internet. It was awkward to begin with and it's in my best interest to not have it wherever on the internet. I mean, I can reveal any of my own secrets, but other people's business to a degree, but we'll get to that when we get to February.
January.
2009 started up in Reston, VA, like most of my years. I just hung out with Dorien and we watched Burn After Reading, which I had purchased not too long prior to ringing in the New Year. That was an interesting movie, over all I liked it, but I'm not entirely sure why. I know I didn't do much for the beginning of January. Early in January I rocked out to Sin City a whole bunch. Seriously. I friggin' love that movie so it was a great way to break off 2009. I reember spending most of my time on my own, but that's the case when I'm back home.
January was when I'd run out of Vicodin and was in pretty extreme amounts of pain. That pain is from Hippastrum something, a bacteria that gets into your pores. It like a warm damp environment, such as the groin and the arm pit. I have it in both locations, I guess I'll thre beause it's under both arms. I mostly talk about ht eones under my arms, but that's because it's that muhc less awkways, and I highly doubt people want ot know about my fucked up twat. I mean, it's like a fucking asteroid down there, craters and shit. It's fucking gross. Yeah, this is my journal for my shit. If you don't like it then you can suck it. I haven't spoken about it because the ones on my arms do enouhg to slow a conversation that I don't need to talk about my groin, even if those are the ones that are the most bothersome at the moment. But back to january, I decided to use my Twitter to remind me a bit about what has gone on. This section of the rant was inspired by my comments on the effects of Tylenol Pm and my being in pain. I've been in almost constant pain for the past 8 months, and thankfully that will be coming to an end soon, but that will be spoken about at length in February. I'll add this last point, healing sucks, I'm itchy as all fuck.
So, January. I lived on the couch and colored two pictures and a comic. One is about Icarus and Leopold and I titled it 'Pink Lemonade' because of the background and boarder colors. I was mostly messing around, but I do like the over all and I really like the composition. I wish Icky was more in character, but I like the picture none the less. The second was one of Alexis, Daisuke and Aryan. A similar composition for all three, but keeping the colors was clashing was so friggin' irritating. Eahc character has their own scheme, then their background couldn't be too similar to eachother's back grounds, but couln't clash with their personal color schemes, and I didn't want the colors to be too similar. This one the characters are muhc mor ein character, even is Alexis isn't wearing her normal traveling garb, it still work quite nicely. And her abs are dead sexy here. I also finally finished the Christmas gift comic I drew for Za, CR and Sean, I just never made them their prints, but they have each seen the comic, which is well enough.
That is how I spent most of early January. I also started my big Movie List of 2009 and the less dramatic Big Book List of 2009. As of this writing I've watched 31 movies, probably about 26 different flicks. That's been prettty sweet. It's just that it seems to me that all I do is watch movies, so I might as well know what I spent my year watching. It'll also be an interesting wat to keep track of my varying interests, and at the end of the year to see what has influenced changes in my movie viewing pleasure. In Jnuary I was highly taken by Sin City. That started a Robert Rodriguez kick so I finally bought El Mariachi, his first movie and loved it to pieces and had to buy more of his movies. I know own many of the movies he's directed. But back to January. When I wasn't watching movies, I was watching House. Seriously, all I did over break was watch USA and the Food Network with a little bit of other in between. And some B:TAS, one seasn left to watch, I was thinking about over Spring Break, I dunno.
I'm supposed to hang out with the Ficus before leaving Nrofolk to drive back here and not see him unti some undetermined time, which has ended up being next weekend. Woot woot. But he decided to eat at the Wendy's back home. I schooled him, told him it was built on sketch and disease, because that Wendy's was, is. The end of my Winter Break wasn't that climatic, but I did spend my last days relaxing, which is pretty awesome.
I make my way back to campus and spend more time that I'd like alone. I have been and I think that plus my English class has started this littlemountian of writing and inspiration to write. I just haven't given into it until now.
My first day of classes isn't terrible and neither is my second day. I decided to roll all my spare change which is sweet becase it adds up to $40, so I have some extra spending change and extra money is always awesome. I hit up the Phoenix movie theater, the one by the Naval Base and watch Valkyrie. That was an interesting movie, and I was sad when they failed to kill Hitler. The characters were so fucking earnest. that made them likable and adorable. They were so honest in their desire to dethrone Hitler in a coup that when they fail I forgot that historically Hitler committed suicide. That made me think and maybe write a little. Somewhere.
My first week was ineventful. The second week things kick off early with my laptop catching some bitch of a virus. That was hell, and I slowly learn that Logic and Philosophy was a stupid class choice. Hmm, actually, remember time better, my computer got the virus on thef irst Tuesday of the semester which I was rolling my money so going out also doubled as something to do until I got it back two days later. Thankfully, his hard drive was intact from that little circle of hell.
I spend January going to classes and at some point I loose the Club election of President. Over winter Break Jason realised that being a captain and president was a ahll of a position to be in and resigned form being President. Glenn was elected into his position and I was elected to be Vice President, and have spent most of my club time for the past few weeks shadowing whatever Glenn's needed to do for the Club and taking care of things that he has hasn't been able to make for some reason or another.
Nothing really special happens for the rest of January, I don't think. Twitter for the verification. Ahh, I remember this now. I started smoking a little the night I went to see Vaklyrie. Part of it was I missed how relaxful break was and the few cigs I had with the Ficus, so I bought a pack I still have like half of it because it's usually too goddam cold out there to stand around for ten minutes smoking. I like my hands thank you very much.
Around the end of January a few upper classmen started chatting with me up in Borjo because I was reading Brenner's book and they're logic majors or some bull shit. They are interesting to chat with. A few really sweet OSTs came into my possession at thi time. That was pretty awesome. Sin City, Darjeeling Limited, No Reservations. All three have their own bit of special and sex.
I lost Onyx on Inauguration Day, and haven't found him since and hope I find him by the end of the semester when I'm moving out.
BEfore January was over I saw Defiance with Glenn and Dan F. that was interesting, but Glenn was his usually distracting self, but the experience wouldn't be the same if he hasn't been like that. I accept it, but will still totaly hit him at the time for it.
There was a litt bit of internet drama that I successfully broke up. That was cool. I got back into the Pan RPG. That's where the drama was. Well, that and the club drama.
Ooh, my weekend with no caffeine was back in January. Bad weekend. that's when my parking permit disappeared and I almost got hit by a car.
February.
So I've written about the car incident a few times, but don't feel like going into it anymore, it was a bitch. The first weel of February was a little slow. I made my first maradaide from scratch this weekend, and watched Zack and Miri which started me on Kevin Smith. Nothing realy big happened. More movies and soundtracks.
I got my phone replaced. The last was was bieng a glitchy shit, and Miguel still had him instinct, so he mailed that to me. Freak'in awesome.
Hmm, Feb 13 I hang out with ian and Nicole and we spend the evnign getting drunk. Well, Nicle is more drunk than Ian or myself, and I'm way more drunk than Ian is, but I remember the big things. We played a few drinking games and watched futurama and Grandma's Boy. There was pletny of stupid conversation to go around. We decide to all go to bed at 5 and all pretty much stay up until about 7. I don't sleep except for in hour incriments so I give up and read until the other two wake up then I sober up and we all chat. I drive out to the wal-mart down Little Creek to buy some gatorade because on the 15th I drive out to UVa for a tournament.
The Tournament was Diana's first and she killed in her poor snad placed 13 out of 16 from the pools It was awesome. Mackenzie had a slow morning but owned her second poor and attacked on to victory in her first DE where she was last seed and beat the top seed. Casey had a bad morning all morning. That drive was a bitch but I made it. God, I'm ready to go to bed, so sometime after sleeping I'll wrap up February in a different journal and my not too interesting little tale will some it its pretty dull end.
Jasmine P.
January.
2009 started up in Reston, VA, like most of my years. I just hung out with Dorien and we watched Burn After Reading, which I had purchased not too long prior to ringing in the New Year. That was an interesting movie, over all I liked it, but I'm not entirely sure why. I know I didn't do much for the beginning of January. Early in January I rocked out to Sin City a whole bunch. Seriously. I friggin' love that movie so it was a great way to break off 2009. I reember spending most of my time on my own, but that's the case when I'm back home.
January was when I'd run out of Vicodin and was in pretty extreme amounts of pain. That pain is from Hippastrum something, a bacteria that gets into your pores. It like a warm damp environment, such as the groin and the arm pit. I have it in both locations, I guess I'll thre beause it's under both arms. I mostly talk about ht eones under my arms, but that's because it's that muhc less awkways, and I highly doubt people want ot know about my fucked up twat. I mean, it's like a fucking asteroid down there, craters and shit. It's fucking gross. Yeah, this is my journal for my shit. If you don't like it then you can suck it. I haven't spoken about it because the ones on my arms do enouhg to slow a conversation that I don't need to talk about my groin, even if those are the ones that are the most bothersome at the moment. But back to january, I decided to use my Twitter to remind me a bit about what has gone on. This section of the rant was inspired by my comments on the effects of Tylenol Pm and my being in pain. I've been in almost constant pain for the past 8 months, and thankfully that will be coming to an end soon, but that will be spoken about at length in February. I'll add this last point, healing sucks, I'm itchy as all fuck.
So, January. I lived on the couch and colored two pictures and a comic. One is about Icarus and Leopold and I titled it 'Pink Lemonade' because of the background and boarder colors. I was mostly messing around, but I do like the over all and I really like the composition. I wish Icky was more in character, but I like the picture none the less. The second was one of Alexis, Daisuke and Aryan. A similar composition for all three, but keeping the colors was clashing was so friggin' irritating. Eahc character has their own scheme, then their background couldn't be too similar to eachother's back grounds, but couln't clash with their personal color schemes, and I didn't want the colors to be too similar. This one the characters are muhc mor ein character, even is Alexis isn't wearing her normal traveling garb, it still work quite nicely. And her abs are dead sexy here. I also finally finished the Christmas gift comic I drew for Za, CR and Sean, I just never made them their prints, but they have each seen the comic, which is well enough.
That is how I spent most of early January. I also started my big Movie List of 2009 and the less dramatic Big Book List of 2009. As of this writing I've watched 31 movies, probably about 26 different flicks. That's been prettty sweet. It's just that it seems to me that all I do is watch movies, so I might as well know what I spent my year watching. It'll also be an interesting wat to keep track of my varying interests, and at the end of the year to see what has influenced changes in my movie viewing pleasure. In Jnuary I was highly taken by Sin City. That started a Robert Rodriguez kick so I finally bought El Mariachi, his first movie and loved it to pieces and had to buy more of his movies. I know own many of the movies he's directed. But back to January. When I wasn't watching movies, I was watching House. Seriously, all I did over break was watch USA and the Food Network with a little bit of other in between. And some B:TAS, one seasn left to watch, I was thinking about over Spring Break, I dunno.
I'm supposed to hang out with the Ficus before leaving Nrofolk to drive back here and not see him unti some undetermined time, which has ended up being next weekend. Woot woot. But he decided to eat at the Wendy's back home. I schooled him, told him it was built on sketch and disease, because that Wendy's was, is. The end of my Winter Break wasn't that climatic, but I did spend my last days relaxing, which is pretty awesome.
I make my way back to campus and spend more time that I'd like alone. I have been and I think that plus my English class has started this littlemountian of writing and inspiration to write. I just haven't given into it until now.
My first day of classes isn't terrible and neither is my second day. I decided to roll all my spare change which is sweet becase it adds up to $40, so I have some extra spending change and extra money is always awesome. I hit up the Phoenix movie theater, the one by the Naval Base and watch Valkyrie. That was an interesting movie, and I was sad when they failed to kill Hitler. The characters were so fucking earnest. that made them likable and adorable. They were so honest in their desire to dethrone Hitler in a coup that when they fail I forgot that historically Hitler committed suicide. That made me think and maybe write a little. Somewhere.
My first week was ineventful. The second week things kick off early with my laptop catching some bitch of a virus. That was hell, and I slowly learn that Logic and Philosophy was a stupid class choice. Hmm, actually, remember time better, my computer got the virus on thef irst Tuesday of the semester which I was rolling my money so going out also doubled as something to do until I got it back two days later. Thankfully, his hard drive was intact from that little circle of hell.
I spend January going to classes and at some point I loose the Club election of President. Over winter Break Jason realised that being a captain and president was a ahll of a position to be in and resigned form being President. Glenn was elected into his position and I was elected to be Vice President, and have spent most of my club time for the past few weeks shadowing whatever Glenn's needed to do for the Club and taking care of things that he has hasn't been able to make for some reason or another.
Nothing really special happens for the rest of January, I don't think. Twitter for the verification. Ahh, I remember this now. I started smoking a little the night I went to see Vaklyrie. Part of it was I missed how relaxful break was and the few cigs I had with the Ficus, so I bought a pack I still have like half of it because it's usually too goddam cold out there to stand around for ten minutes smoking. I like my hands thank you very much.
Around the end of January a few upper classmen started chatting with me up in Borjo because I was reading Brenner's book and they're logic majors or some bull shit. They are interesting to chat with. A few really sweet OSTs came into my possession at thi time. That was pretty awesome. Sin City, Darjeeling Limited, No Reservations. All three have their own bit of special and sex.
I lost Onyx on Inauguration Day, and haven't found him since and hope I find him by the end of the semester when I'm moving out.
BEfore January was over I saw Defiance with Glenn and Dan F. that was interesting, but Glenn was his usually distracting self, but the experience wouldn't be the same if he hasn't been like that. I accept it, but will still totaly hit him at the time for it.
There was a litt bit of internet drama that I successfully broke up. That was cool. I got back into the Pan RPG. That's where the drama was. Well, that and the club drama.
Ooh, my weekend with no caffeine was back in January. Bad weekend. that's when my parking permit disappeared and I almost got hit by a car.
February.
So I've written about the car incident a few times, but don't feel like going into it anymore, it was a bitch. The first weel of February was a little slow. I made my first maradaide from scratch this weekend, and watched Zack and Miri which started me on Kevin Smith. Nothing realy big happened. More movies and soundtracks.
I got my phone replaced. The last was was bieng a glitchy shit, and Miguel still had him instinct, so he mailed that to me. Freak'in awesome.
Hmm, Feb 13 I hang out with ian and Nicole and we spend the evnign getting drunk. Well, Nicle is more drunk than Ian or myself, and I'm way more drunk than Ian is, but I remember the big things. We played a few drinking games and watched futurama and Grandma's Boy. There was pletny of stupid conversation to go around. We decide to all go to bed at 5 and all pretty much stay up until about 7. I don't sleep except for in hour incriments so I give up and read until the other two wake up then I sober up and we all chat. I drive out to the wal-mart down Little Creek to buy some gatorade because on the 15th I drive out to UVa for a tournament.
The Tournament was Diana's first and she killed in her poor snad placed 13 out of 16 from the pools It was awesome. Mackenzie had a slow morning but owned her second poor and attacked on to victory in her first DE where she was last seed and beat the top seed. Casey had a bad morning all morning. That drive was a bitch but I made it. God, I'm ready to go to bed, so sometime after sleeping I'll wrap up February in a different journal and my not too interesting little tale will some it its pretty dull end.
Jasmine P.
October 18, 2008
Change
To fill in the blanks from the beginning, if for nothing, my terrible memory. On Monday, I decided to ask this guy out. His response is 'maybe' then we talk about other things. We happen to not see each other until Wednesday night, when he agrees to try going out with me. I'm happy, but things between us don't seem any different, in any way shape or form. This is what happens upon question him. [originally a letter to Za]
Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.
I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.
Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.
I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.
I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.
In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.
I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.
Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.
-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.
Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.
Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.
I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.
Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.
I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.
I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.
In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.
I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.
Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.
-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.
Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.
October 5, 2008
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
This reminds me of what I wrote up here last year, looking for love, finding one and not going ahead with anything. [[throwback]] But based off of certain circumstances, instances, rather, this might be more successful if anything is said. Maybe I should practice saying something, in my head as least. I kind of like skipping the whole confession part of everything and image being in a relationship.
Things of interest, he does seem to hyper-focus on me sometimes when we're together or with other people. In a weird way I do the exact opposite, avoid eye-contact and what not because then I start thinking stupid things or focusing too much until I'm too nervous to act normal.
Jack Johnson is the best and worst thing at the moment.
I don't want to be the one to start things, but I also don't want to be in this awkward limbo anymore. I'd love ANY little sign that this is requited love and not unrequited.
I need to write about something other than my lack there of of a relationship with this person. Fuck all! Heh, for as outgoing as I normally am I can't just take control of this. I need to stop protecting me and go out on a limb for once, it would do me a hell of a lot of good if I did. Is is so hard to want any little obvious sign. The most obvious I can notice is how often we hang out, but that doens't count for anything. Unless something happens, we'll fall into the friendship rut and nothig will change.ell, i damn near want Za to push me into him ro something retarded. That would be better than fuck near nothing. I know things aren't like movies, but sometimes I want the ease or confidance of getting into a relationship that people seem to always have in movies.
Hopefully I'll have something more substantial to write here soon. I'm tired of re-writingt he same things, but sadly these same things are on my mind all the time.
Jasmine P.
Things of interest, he does seem to hyper-focus on me sometimes when we're together or with other people. In a weird way I do the exact opposite, avoid eye-contact and what not because then I start thinking stupid things or focusing too much until I'm too nervous to act normal.
Jack Johnson is the best and worst thing at the moment.
I don't want to be the one to start things, but I also don't want to be in this awkward limbo anymore. I'd love ANY little sign that this is requited love and not unrequited.
I need to write about something other than my lack there of of a relationship with this person. Fuck all! Heh, for as outgoing as I normally am I can't just take control of this. I need to stop protecting me and go out on a limb for once, it would do me a hell of a lot of good if I did. Is is so hard to want any little obvious sign. The most obvious I can notice is how often we hang out, but that doens't count for anything. Unless something happens, we'll fall into the friendship rut and nothig will change.ell, i damn near want Za to push me into him ro something retarded. That would be better than fuck near nothing. I know things aren't like movies, but sometimes I want the ease or confidance of getting into a relationship that people seem to always have in movies.
Hopefully I'll have something more substantial to write here soon. I'm tired of re-writingt he same things, but sadly these same things are on my mind all the time.
Jasmine P.
September 23, 2008
Social Study
Its interesting to see how people interact, but it's even more to try to observe oneself on the objective in a very subjective situation. It's also interesting to analyze how I act and to try to figure out why.
A few of the whys: I'm horny, I'm getting depressed, I am just plain lonely.
Now that we have a few possible answers, let's get to the meat of the situation. I'm trying to figure out how a guy I know feels about me, but I'm not sure if this is just me pushing my feelings onto him, or if there is something behind how I'm thinking. I could just be horny, my period is right around the corner and I do get needy and horny right before it so that could be it. Or I could be feeling something for him and that's what I'm unsure of. Two things I noticed today was we got into a bit of a poking war while playing Rock Band, but it didn't just tickle when he poked my side, it was pleasurable. Then there was a time a bit later when we were done fencing and we shook hands, a pleasant feeling ran through my hand.
These are feelings I normally associate with a crush, but this is potentially mutual, so I don't want to just write it off. Another thing is though, last year I said I'd date no fencers, and I met him through fencing. But at the same time, I've not been in a relationship for...well, ever, so I might say 'yes' if he says something just so I can feel loved and feel special and everything that is involved with being in a real relationship with someone. I guess that's what I want, but I don't know if he's who I want.
There's another guy who's always nice and fun to talk to, but he's someone I never see. Well, it's rare, then we don't usually have the chance to talk about much. He might just be nice to all the girls, which would be fine and saddening at the same time. But between these two guys, Guy 2 has props for being both older than me and not a fencer, but Guy 1 has a much closer proximity and we have been hanging out a lot.
That might also be the inspiration for false feelings, close social interaction.
So, like I said, Social Study. A study of me socially. I want some answers soon, hell, I want one of them to say something so I'd actually have something to think about and something to get advice on. I would finally need advice, and it would be fine with me.
Time shall tell.
Jasmine P.
A few of the whys: I'm horny, I'm getting depressed, I am just plain lonely.
Now that we have a few possible answers, let's get to the meat of the situation. I'm trying to figure out how a guy I know feels about me, but I'm not sure if this is just me pushing my feelings onto him, or if there is something behind how I'm thinking. I could just be horny, my period is right around the corner and I do get needy and horny right before it so that could be it. Or I could be feeling something for him and that's what I'm unsure of. Two things I noticed today was we got into a bit of a poking war while playing Rock Band, but it didn't just tickle when he poked my side, it was pleasurable. Then there was a time a bit later when we were done fencing and we shook hands, a pleasant feeling ran through my hand.
These are feelings I normally associate with a crush, but this is potentially mutual, so I don't want to just write it off. Another thing is though, last year I said I'd date no fencers, and I met him through fencing. But at the same time, I've not been in a relationship for...well, ever, so I might say 'yes' if he says something just so I can feel loved and feel special and everything that is involved with being in a real relationship with someone. I guess that's what I want, but I don't know if he's who I want.
There's another guy who's always nice and fun to talk to, but he's someone I never see. Well, it's rare, then we don't usually have the chance to talk about much. He might just be nice to all the girls, which would be fine and saddening at the same time. But between these two guys, Guy 2 has props for being both older than me and not a fencer, but Guy 1 has a much closer proximity and we have been hanging out a lot.
That might also be the inspiration for false feelings, close social interaction.
So, like I said, Social Study. A study of me socially. I want some answers soon, hell, I want one of them to say something so I'd actually have something to think about and something to get advice on. I would finally need advice, and it would be fine with me.
Time shall tell.
Jasmine P.
September 14, 2008
Me and Religion
This was written around midnight, so ten hours ago.
After looking at my friend's note and some of the comments, most of us commentators decided to avoided his God issue. That made me think about my relationship with religion.
I say I believe in the bible and God and am Christian. It's how I was raised and it's something I decided to accept and not question. It's something I still don't really question and I have my stances on aspects of religion and my relationship with it, but then I wonder, am I truly a spiritually driven person. No, not really. I curse, drink, talk about more than abstinence even though I practice it, but I don't have biblical reasons, more logical reasons.
I'm 'abstinent' because I've had no real reason to not be. No boyfriend and I'm not going to get laid just because everyone else it. I am so reverse peer-pressure sometimes it's ridiculous.
I like some alcohol, but at the same time i'm not trying to straight up kill my liver so. :shrug: I find profanity to just be words to express anger so they have no special meaning. At the same time, I'm not trying to teach my sister how to curse, so I don't curse around her.
As for me and religion. I don't like to argue the topic with people and then I wonder how often I seek God for things and I really don't. I don't know if I exactly believe in a God, but I do accept that there is something greater than humanity out there and that things happen for a reason. I can never guess as to what the reasons may be, but I figure there's something keeping me alive my keeping me out of certain situations. At the same time, I don't go to church and I pray when I think I should, like when I'm in trouble. I figured I'd go back to church on the regular once I was done with college, but at the same time I don't know why I'd be going. Because I wanted to be in church, or because I would feel like it's what others would be wanting for me.
If I think about it, I really don't know how I feel about my interaction with religion. I don't have much conviction for things I do nor why. Why I help others without thinking about it. Why I don't help others. I just accept my first reaction for life and try not to question my motives, but at the same time I do wonder 'why' and I wonder if I'm doing the right things in my life. I try to just life and be a god person by my own moral standards, but then when do I need religion to judge me.
Religion condemns the profane, the charlatan, the scientist. I accept each for the fact they are people first. I may disagree with them, but I let others keep their own opinions because I figure they're just as entitled to their own beliefs and opinions as I am of my own.
I guess I might have just been trying to get to the conclusion that I think there's something out there, greater than humanity so I don't need other people to sell me that idea, or try to prove it to me. I just need people to accept me for me and try not to label my motives.
Or I needed to try to figure out how religion fits into my life and still have no answers.
And a commented response to continue:
Christian values were instilled in me, but it was still my mom took me to church more so than i went to church. I'm also not that pressed. I can open a bible and interpret it myself if i need guidance, or I go to different people seeking advice and figure out which makes the most sense.
I know and accept I do biblically wrong things, but I'm also only trying to make the best of it with what I have, and I figure that's the best any person can strive for.
But that's also following the belief that there's a heaven. The scientist in me desires proof, so I figure I try not to be too bad of a person for general purposes [gp] and it keeps me happier. I still don't know exactly what I was looking for with this rant.
Jasmine P.
After looking at my friend's note and some of the comments, most of us commentators decided to avoided his God issue. That made me think about my relationship with religion.
I say I believe in the bible and God and am Christian. It's how I was raised and it's something I decided to accept and not question. It's something I still don't really question and I have my stances on aspects of religion and my relationship with it, but then I wonder, am I truly a spiritually driven person. No, not really. I curse, drink, talk about more than abstinence even though I practice it, but I don't have biblical reasons, more logical reasons.
I'm 'abstinent' because I've had no real reason to not be. No boyfriend and I'm not going to get laid just because everyone else it. I am so reverse peer-pressure sometimes it's ridiculous.
I like some alcohol, but at the same time i'm not trying to straight up kill my liver so. :shrug: I find profanity to just be words to express anger so they have no special meaning. At the same time, I'm not trying to teach my sister how to curse, so I don't curse around her.
As for me and religion. I don't like to argue the topic with people and then I wonder how often I seek God for things and I really don't. I don't know if I exactly believe in a God, but I do accept that there is something greater than humanity out there and that things happen for a reason. I can never guess as to what the reasons may be, but I figure there's something keeping me alive my keeping me out of certain situations. At the same time, I don't go to church and I pray when I think I should, like when I'm in trouble. I figured I'd go back to church on the regular once I was done with college, but at the same time I don't know why I'd be going. Because I wanted to be in church, or because I would feel like it's what others would be wanting for me.
If I think about it, I really don't know how I feel about my interaction with religion. I don't have much conviction for things I do nor why. Why I help others without thinking about it. Why I don't help others. I just accept my first reaction for life and try not to question my motives, but at the same time I do wonder 'why' and I wonder if I'm doing the right things in my life. I try to just life and be a god person by my own moral standards, but then when do I need religion to judge me.
Religion condemns the profane, the charlatan, the scientist. I accept each for the fact they are people first. I may disagree with them, but I let others keep their own opinions because I figure they're just as entitled to their own beliefs and opinions as I am of my own.
I guess I might have just been trying to get to the conclusion that I think there's something out there, greater than humanity so I don't need other people to sell me that idea, or try to prove it to me. I just need people to accept me for me and try not to label my motives.
Or I needed to try to figure out how religion fits into my life and still have no answers.
And a commented response to continue:
Christian values were instilled in me, but it was still my mom took me to church more so than i went to church. I'm also not that pressed. I can open a bible and interpret it myself if i need guidance, or I go to different people seeking advice and figure out which makes the most sense.
I know and accept I do biblically wrong things, but I'm also only trying to make the best of it with what I have, and I figure that's the best any person can strive for.
But that's also following the belief that there's a heaven. The scientist in me desires proof, so I figure I try not to be too bad of a person for general purposes [gp] and it keeps me happier. I still don't know exactly what I was looking for with this rant.
Jasmine P.
July 17, 2008
Displaying my Art
While washing some dishes and playing my usual game of 'If I I Meet A Celebrity, I'll Ask Them These Questions' I was explaining why I was curious for 'one of the harder parts you did in your opinion' instead of 'what is the hardest part you've ever played' because trying to define something as a 'hardest' of any extreme is not easy, and it's not something I condone because verything has it's own difficulties and eases.
I was explaining my wording and relating it to pieces I do. There are things I dislike about most everything I do, and no matter how many things I dislike, there's usually some little thing I like about a piece I've done. And That got me to thinking about why I show people my art.
I don't show people my art to be told 'it's great' because most of my friends are not artists. They think damn near every doodle, every sketch, every finished piece is amazing. I sure as hell don't, not for my art, or anyone else. There are aspects I like. But what I had gotten around to thinking was I show people my art for their reactions. Their responses, questions, understanding, acceptance, confusion. I'm not digging for compliments. I'm digging for responses that I can file away. There are people whom I show my work who most often respond with 'that's nice, but why are you showing me this?' it gives me the chance to explain something I've created, in turn explaining myself, but it gets me away from the 'yes men' who think it's amazing that I an hold a pencil, a pen, anything in such a fashion that I am able to make something out of it.
My line of questioning is more on the aspects of a film, of a project and working on it more so than a laundry list of favorite, least favorite parts. My questioning gave me the 'why' What was a hard aspect of a part? Why? What is something about a past performance you'd want to change? That damn near gives me the 'why' without having to ask it. This question is also fun because actors always want to change and improve a performance, but can't. I think it'd be fun to hear about some of the things they wish to change about their performances, or parts they disliked and wish they hadn't done, or any myriad of things. My list of questions goes on and is probably terribly redundant after a while.
~~~
Part of what got me thinking about this was reading 'A Guide TRYS' the book that inspired the movie. It's interesting to see that Dito didn't so much as write about himself whereas he wrote more about the people around him and his interaction with them, which at the same time says a lot about himself. He's not vain and he loved the people he was around. A Guide is also great because of how it's written. It's not one long narrative, it's written more like how he'd be telling the story to someone else. There are interjections about how a past event made him feel and so forth. That makes it interesting. And the chapters aren't terribly long. It's just about one chapter per interaction. 'Tag' was one chapter, but it was about general tag games, and one special tag game. Nothing's really in chronological order which also makes it interesting to read as time just around.
Reading this was making me think of the movie and commentary with how Dito kind of let the actors do what they would and how things worked. I remember hearing RDJ talking about filming the movie with Dito and how only Dito would make a movie with five acts. Or from Dito talking about how he had the actors really go at it in a scene, like the scene where Young Dito was being beaten up by the Reaper, he told the actors to really wail on LaBeouf for the scene. Or in the retaliation when Antonio attacked the Reaper, Dito told him to hit him as hard as he could upside the back of the head with the prop bat. It made me think about difficulties that actors have with some directors, but also how different directors tackle a movie, or people who aren't 'trained' as directors but become directors.
Did I mention a spoiler warning? Too late.
My point in bringing in Dito's directing style is that letting the actors give everything they could as they saw necessary, as they felt the characters felt gave them a real humanity and at the same time showed a real vulnerability int he actors. It would also prove to be more difficult for everyone involved because it wasn't the lack of directions the actors didn't have, it was showing so much of themselves in these characters. It was a different sort of challenge for the actors to go for it which made it's own difficulties. That lead me to my who thing about my own art because as I pose these questions in my head I give my responses for other people which have little bearing on what their responses would really be because I don't know more than what I've read online or gleamed from commentary or interviews.
Jasmine P.
I was explaining my wording and relating it to pieces I do. There are things I dislike about most everything I do, and no matter how many things I dislike, there's usually some little thing I like about a piece I've done. And That got me to thinking about why I show people my art.
I don't show people my art to be told 'it's great' because most of my friends are not artists. They think damn near every doodle, every sketch, every finished piece is amazing. I sure as hell don't, not for my art, or anyone else. There are aspects I like. But what I had gotten around to thinking was I show people my art for their reactions. Their responses, questions, understanding, acceptance, confusion. I'm not digging for compliments. I'm digging for responses that I can file away. There are people whom I show my work who most often respond with 'that's nice, but why are you showing me this?' it gives me the chance to explain something I've created, in turn explaining myself, but it gets me away from the 'yes men' who think it's amazing that I an hold a pencil, a pen, anything in such a fashion that I am able to make something out of it.
My line of questioning is more on the aspects of a film, of a project and working on it more so than a laundry list of favorite, least favorite parts. My questioning gave me the 'why' What was a hard aspect of a part? Why? What is something about a past performance you'd want to change? That damn near gives me the 'why' without having to ask it. This question is also fun because actors always want to change and improve a performance, but can't. I think it'd be fun to hear about some of the things they wish to change about their performances, or parts they disliked and wish they hadn't done, or any myriad of things. My list of questions goes on and is probably terribly redundant after a while.
~~~
Part of what got me thinking about this was reading 'A Guide TRYS' the book that inspired the movie. It's interesting to see that Dito didn't so much as write about himself whereas he wrote more about the people around him and his interaction with them, which at the same time says a lot about himself. He's not vain and he loved the people he was around. A Guide is also great because of how it's written. It's not one long narrative, it's written more like how he'd be telling the story to someone else. There are interjections about how a past event made him feel and so forth. That makes it interesting. And the chapters aren't terribly long. It's just about one chapter per interaction. 'Tag' was one chapter, but it was about general tag games, and one special tag game. Nothing's really in chronological order which also makes it interesting to read as time just around.
Reading this was making me think of the movie and commentary with how Dito kind of let the actors do what they would and how things worked. I remember hearing RDJ talking about filming the movie with Dito and how only Dito would make a movie with five acts. Or from Dito talking about how he had the actors really go at it in a scene, like the scene where Young Dito was being beaten up by the Reaper, he told the actors to really wail on LaBeouf for the scene. Or in the retaliation when Antonio attacked the Reaper, Dito told him to hit him as hard as he could upside the back of the head with the prop bat. It made me think about difficulties that actors have with some directors, but also how different directors tackle a movie, or people who aren't 'trained' as directors but become directors.
Did I mention a spoiler warning? Too late.
My point in bringing in Dito's directing style is that letting the actors give everything they could as they saw necessary, as they felt the characters felt gave them a real humanity and at the same time showed a real vulnerability int he actors. It would also prove to be more difficult for everyone involved because it wasn't the lack of directions the actors didn't have, it was showing so much of themselves in these characters. It was a different sort of challenge for the actors to go for it which made it's own difficulties. That lead me to my who thing about my own art because as I pose these questions in my head I give my responses for other people which have little bearing on what their responses would really be because I don't know more than what I've read online or gleamed from commentary or interviews.
Jasmine P.
June 20, 2008
Flintstone Syndrome
I'm sure Holllywerid has some other name for this, but that is a common enough reference point for what I'm brining up this morning [it being 1.22 am as of starting this]
What I'm talking about is how the hell do fat bastards like Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, to name a few, end up marrying intelligent enough and attractive enough women suck as Marge, Lois, Wilma and Betty? Those women are frigging MILFs and you know it. They still have figures and brains after getting married and after three kids in some cases they shouldn't sitll have.
But my point is what the fuck is Hollyweird, Hanna-Barberra, Fox etc, saying about women? Everybody knows they want somebody attractive, and I understand there are more than one sort of attractive, but some of these are real long shorts. My inspiration and true complaint comes from an article on Yahoo news about unlikely couples in these summer movies and older movies.
http://movies.yahoo.com/summer-movies/The-Love-Guru/1809932977/photos/370/9621/#info
What I'm saying is, yes, I want a fun guy who's great to hang out with and blahddy-blahddy-blah, but why can't he be attractive? What is this saying about the choices women in movie land have with picking someone to marry. These guys are jobless losers who get into serious relationships or even marriage with a brillient bombshell of a woman who chances are probably wouldn't all look at these guys.
I'm not trying ot shoot down the Average Joes of the world, I'm just asking Hollywood to make a realistic movie whee the leading lady and the leading man are of some sort of equal status of wealth and intelligence. I know not every ugly person is married to another ugly person and that not every stupid person is married to another stupid person, but give me a bit of reality every now and again.
My argument goes both ways for ugly women getting with gorgeous men, but I can't think of that one happening too often. What I'm also tired of is seeing every 50+ actor marrying/fucking ever 22 year old actress [and vice versa]. If two characters have an age difference, keep the actors in line with that too because sometimes it gets weird to listen to commentary and hear that some actress or actor grew up watching somebody they admired as a kid and now they're in a sexual relationship with "them" due to the parts they play.
I'm not saying there aren't actors old enough to be my father that I don't think are attractive [there are plenty of them.] but that doesn't mean that if I ever get eh chance ot meet them that I'd want to fuck them, or act like I was. Part of what makes them alluring is their age and their talent. Yes, I think they're attractive, but no, I'd never want to date them for many reasons other than the fact that they're fucking old enough to be my parent. There are also actors around my age whom I find attractive, but at this moment they don't have the presence that age and skill births. In twenty years when I'm married they'll possibly inhabit the same qualities I find attractive about actors of the same age right now, but that's an issue for the future.
May looping arguement says this. Match characters realistically and hapilly with characters from their social ranks. If you're going to have a lovable loser, match them with some sort of bohemian. Have the girl next door grow up to be a bombshell of a woman who marries someone who is just as pretty and intelligent as she is, have them be happy.
I'm not saying don't stir the waters every now and again, but staying within the realms of reality every now and again also help the self esteem of regular people and their dream of finding a realistic love and not just a fantasy. Those of you reading this know me well enough to know that I love and live outside of this reality and have no issue with accepting things that aren't 'normal' but I also appreciate the reality in a situation, the possibility that It's not all that long of a shot for something to happen.
Oh yeah, the initial point of this is what are these movies saying about a woman's ability to choose a successful mate? I understand people want to all live in a fairytale happy ending with someone who's fun and women want ti be in charge of the relationship, but sometimes they need someone who has more then they do to lean on.
Other notable movies and tv shows that showcase the Flintstone Syndrome as far as I can remember are: The Honeymooners, Love & Sex, As Good As It Gets, Something New, etc. There are a million others out there, but I can't list half of 'em. Too tired, too late. But think about it: in many romantic comedies the brilliant/rich lead falls in love with a lovable/poor loser. It doesn't always happen like that, so why in Hollyfake? I know movies are a serious source of escapism from the realities of life but why everyone? [i have my own arguments for others medias that showcase this habit or similar habits, but that's for another note/journal of it's own]
[1.52am]
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
What I'm talking about is how the hell do fat bastards like Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, to name a few, end up marrying intelligent enough and attractive enough women suck as Marge, Lois, Wilma and Betty? Those women are frigging MILFs and you know it. They still have figures and brains after getting married and after three kids in some cases they shouldn't sitll have.
But my point is what the fuck is Hollyweird, Hanna-Barberra, Fox etc, saying about women? Everybody knows they want somebody attractive, and I understand there are more than one sort of attractive, but some of these are real long shorts. My inspiration and true complaint comes from an article on Yahoo news about unlikely couples in these summer movies and older movies.
http://movies.yahoo.com/summer-movies/The-Love-Guru/1809932977/photos/370/9621/#info
What I'm saying is, yes, I want a fun guy who's great to hang out with and blahddy-blahddy-blah, but why can't he be attractive? What is this saying about the choices women in movie land have with picking someone to marry. These guys are jobless losers who get into serious relationships or even marriage with a brillient bombshell of a woman who chances are probably wouldn't all look at these guys.
I'm not trying ot shoot down the Average Joes of the world, I'm just asking Hollywood to make a realistic movie whee the leading lady and the leading man are of some sort of equal status of wealth and intelligence. I know not every ugly person is married to another ugly person and that not every stupid person is married to another stupid person, but give me a bit of reality every now and again.
My argument goes both ways for ugly women getting with gorgeous men, but I can't think of that one happening too often. What I'm also tired of is seeing every 50+ actor marrying/fucking ever 22 year old actress [and vice versa]. If two characters have an age difference, keep the actors in line with that too because sometimes it gets weird to listen to commentary and hear that some actress or actor grew up watching somebody they admired as a kid and now they're in a sexual relationship with "them" due to the parts they play.
I'm not saying there aren't actors old enough to be my father that I don't think are attractive [there are plenty of them.] but that doesn't mean that if I ever get eh chance ot meet them that I'd want to fuck them, or act like I was. Part of what makes them alluring is their age and their talent. Yes, I think they're attractive, but no, I'd never want to date them for many reasons other than the fact that they're fucking old enough to be my parent. There are also actors around my age whom I find attractive, but at this moment they don't have the presence that age and skill births. In twenty years when I'm married they'll possibly inhabit the same qualities I find attractive about actors of the same age right now, but that's an issue for the future.
May looping arguement says this. Match characters realistically and hapilly with characters from their social ranks. If you're going to have a lovable loser, match them with some sort of bohemian. Have the girl next door grow up to be a bombshell of a woman who marries someone who is just as pretty and intelligent as she is, have them be happy.
I'm not saying don't stir the waters every now and again, but staying within the realms of reality every now and again also help the self esteem of regular people and their dream of finding a realistic love and not just a fantasy. Those of you reading this know me well enough to know that I love and live outside of this reality and have no issue with accepting things that aren't 'normal' but I also appreciate the reality in a situation, the possibility that It's not all that long of a shot for something to happen.
Oh yeah, the initial point of this is what are these movies saying about a woman's ability to choose a successful mate? I understand people want to all live in a fairytale happy ending with someone who's fun and women want ti be in charge of the relationship, but sometimes they need someone who has more then they do to lean on.
Other notable movies and tv shows that showcase the Flintstone Syndrome as far as I can remember are: The Honeymooners, Love & Sex, As Good As It Gets, Something New, etc. There are a million others out there, but I can't list half of 'em. Too tired, too late. But think about it: in many romantic comedies the brilliant/rich lead falls in love with a lovable/poor loser. It doesn't always happen like that, so why in Hollyfake? I know movies are a serious source of escapism from the realities of life but why everyone? [i have my own arguments for others medias that showcase this habit or similar habits, but that's for another note/journal of it's own]
[1.52am]
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
June 6, 2008
Two Halves of Something Broken
Two Halves of a Whole.
Something broken, this is actually at a perspective, so the smaller piece is smaller on purpose. But there is a purpose to this.
My point is, I'm tired of my social situation changing so drastically every time it does. I'm tired of rebounding back and forth from being independent to being dependent on others. I can stand on my own, and I can lean on another's shoulder, but I'm tired of being forced to do one or the other over and over again. Every time I learn to live with myself I'm thrown into a situation where there are others who tolerate and accept me. I'm around people who don't ask anything other than me. They they let me trust them, until we're forced apart, then I'm alone and have forgotten how to deal with anything anymore.
There's nothing wrong with my desire for stability, so why don't I have any? Have I don't something to be punished to not be allowed to have any real consistent presence in my life that I trust and whom trusts me. This person doesn't even need to be a boyfriend, a significant other. They just need to be reliable. I need someone to be reliable when we're together and when we're apart.
Is it weird that when I'm alone I'm both incredibly solitary, not wanting to be anywhere near nor around others, but I'm also quite clingy, wanted to be near certain people? That's why I am the way I am when I can finally be not alone anymore. I'm like a man in the desert who'se come across and oasis. I lavish in the attention I can now get and give. I'm a selfish son of a bitch so my receiving and giving of attention in a weird way involve my sharing my new artwork with people. I like hearing from others that my work is good. That doesn't quite mean much because none of them draw. But that doesn't mean I don't not like hearing it. I love giving attention to others in my own obsessive way. I love giving attention in a physical manner, hugging, touching or in general being around some one else, others. That's how I give attention when I don't always listen properly. I focus, observe watch. That's how I give attention, that's how I give as much as and what I get.
My broken heart is cause by many people. Too many to list here, too many to list for myself. IT's quote sad though that Just about every one I know can be put on that list from one time or another. There is also a reason why I go off on my own when I'm upset. It forces me to think about the situation and it forces me to find a way to fix it. How can I fix something that I didn't break? Something that isn't tangible? Something that is left subject to others to socialize with? What happens is not under my own control, but it's under the control of those around me and it's taken so many 'hits' over the years that everything is an injury on top of a bleeding wound. Nothing is getting better and I don't know how much more I can take before it all collapses. I need something stronger and more consistent that my own strength. One day I'll just cave in on myself under my own weaknesses and I won't be strong enough to get out on my own. Maybe by that day My needed strength will be near and they'll be able to help me out when I won't want to help myself.
I can only pray for that day.
Jasmine P.
May 29, 2008
Joyus Fucking Sweet Hell!!!
Joyus Fucking Sweet Hell!!!
I'm PMSing, I'm depressed. I'm losing it. I'm also getting sleepy as hell.
The cigar was earlier was nice. Not one of the nicest made, Alex's was smoother, but I still liked it. A nice, spicy, smoky kick sort of thing. Alex says cigars are stimulants, and I guess I was buzzing a bit earlier, but KI've totally crashed now. It's pleasant periodically. My second ever. There be photos on facebook now, and that was mostly because 'I have my camera and I'm not just sitting around my living room anymore.
Alright, now that the happiness is past, I'm losing it and the person I want to talk to keeps not answering their phone. MY stress levels are incredible high right now and they're rising with every passing day. I'm trying not to lose it, but I can't help it. Erratic sleeping habits, poor diet and stress are not helping my stress issues at all. Raging hormones and being angry at my father are not helping anything. I'd love to chat with a friend, I need someone who can advise me. I need a hung. I'm getting whiny and depressed. I'm damn near prepared to pull my hair out. I also happen to quite like my hair where it is, on my fucking head, attached!
I'm annoyed, I'm unhappy, and I'd really like to get a fucking hug from someone who cares. Someone who isn't my brother. This is sad, I'm quite a pathetic basket case right now. Tomorrow I might need to stay in my room all day. I need to fucking get a hold of myself. I need to figure out when I'm terrible on my own. Damn being alone right now. Damn not being strong enough to keep myself together. I knew this was coming. I know what's going on and I don't have what I've had to help it. I want my usual means of help, but certain circumstances are keeping me from what I crave, need, desire. I use that triplet of necessity often.
Need. Crave. Desire.
Those three things that I can't do anything on my own to remedy. Why am I so weak now? Why can't I put all my concerns into words? Or is it that I won't? Well, I have, but that's been hand written and it's not worth transcribing.
I can't wait until this all passes. I'll feel better then, and I won't be on the verge of losing it every day.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
I'm PMSing, I'm depressed. I'm losing it. I'm also getting sleepy as hell.
The cigar was earlier was nice. Not one of the nicest made, Alex's was smoother, but I still liked it. A nice, spicy, smoky kick sort of thing. Alex says cigars are stimulants, and I guess I was buzzing a bit earlier, but KI've totally crashed now. It's pleasant periodically. My second ever. There be photos on facebook now, and that was mostly because 'I have my camera and I'm not just sitting around my living room anymore.
Alright, now that the happiness is past, I'm losing it and the person I want to talk to keeps not answering their phone. MY stress levels are incredible high right now and they're rising with every passing day. I'm trying not to lose it, but I can't help it. Erratic sleeping habits, poor diet and stress are not helping my stress issues at all. Raging hormones and being angry at my father are not helping anything. I'd love to chat with a friend, I need someone who can advise me. I need a hung. I'm getting whiny and depressed. I'm damn near prepared to pull my hair out. I also happen to quite like my hair where it is, on my fucking head, attached!
I'm annoyed, I'm unhappy, and I'd really like to get a fucking hug from someone who cares. Someone who isn't my brother. This is sad, I'm quite a pathetic basket case right now. Tomorrow I might need to stay in my room all day. I need to fucking get a hold of myself. I need to figure out when I'm terrible on my own. Damn being alone right now. Damn not being strong enough to keep myself together. I knew this was coming. I know what's going on and I don't have what I've had to help it. I want my usual means of help, but certain circumstances are keeping me from what I crave, need, desire. I use that triplet of necessity often.
Need. Crave. Desire.
Those three things that I can't do anything on my own to remedy. Why am I so weak now? Why can't I put all my concerns into words? Or is it that I won't? Well, I have, but that's been hand written and it's not worth transcribing.
I can't wait until this all passes. I'll feel better then, and I won't be on the verge of losing it every day.
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
April 20, 2008
Right Here, Right Now
I am currently incredibly stressed out and I can't write what I need to to save my life, or better yet, my English grade. I am stressed over work, over classes and over my desire to not be alone but the fact that i am. I want to be loved. I want some to love also. I want and miss my mother right now. I am on edge, I feel discontent, my knee is hurting again, I'm just all over the place in a bad way and I don't know just how much longer I'll be able to handle it. I can't draw anything worth drawing, but I do love my pen drawing that I'm calling 'Beautiful'. It's not the first time that commentary's been mad, but that's not the point. There is a bit of a follow up piece, but the second one didn't work right, so it needs to be drawn over and in a way that it makes sense.
Back to me and how broken I am. Heh, broken is the right way to describe it. I'm not right. I cry for no reason, the tears just pour from my eyes. I ignore them as they trail down my face. I do and don't want to be around people. I do and don't want to talk. I need someone to ask the right questions so I can get to the answers that keep alluding me so.
I have figured out that there is no one I love at the moment. I have no crushes, but I do have speculation on people who I think may like or be interested in me, but I have no proof for any of my ideas. There are little things, but they're unfounded. I don't think that's what I want... i have no real proof for my reasoning other than a few odd little things that have stuck out in my mind. I have figured out that I am in dire desire for physical contact, be it a hug or just being physically close to someone else. I'd prefer the other person to be male, and I think I'm feeling a desire to be around men. To be around masculine energy, but it needs to be positive and not necessarily perverted. I don't really want to talk, I just want to be close to someone. I don't want to have to take on anyone else's stress and I can't handle anyone else's anger at the moment. I can't be receptive and understanding. I'm to guarded to put in the effort to he considerate. I don't want to be considerate either. I'm mopey and I want someone else to pay attention to me. I want someone to really try no matter how guarded I act. i want someone to put in the effort that I put in when they're upset or in a bad mood.
I want someone to love and someone to love me in return who will try as hard as I do to understand, to comprehend and to help. I'm losing myself in myself. I need the strength of someone else. I'm disgusted with myself. Where did my strength and independence go? Why do I feel the need to be so dependent on others that I feel lost when I'm alone. why do I feel the need to have my own emotions dictated by others? why am I so empathetic and around other who are near as empathetic as I that they can't see that everything I am at the moment is a lie, a facade to hind how I really feel.
i want someone to be able to see past the 'Jasmine' that is quiet, intelligent and strong to be able to see, hug, hold and help that much weaker Jasmine who hides inside. The part of me that wants help, but isn't near loud enough to be heard when she cries out for assistance. I am so guarded all the time that the outer me doesn't want the inner me to be heard, but the inner me must find a way to be heard by someone who can and will help. I don't want to be independent nor do i want to be dependent, I just want to be able to live at a nice moderate in between of strength that is given and received.
I want to be able to draw strength from another, but i can't find any who is able to give me that which I desire. I want to stop feeling the way I do. I want to be able to drawn, i want to be able to feel something other than massive and constant depression at the moment. Will this be gone after next Tuesday? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I knew where to find what I want and that what I wanted would find me. Even if it doesn't last long it would be better than nothing at the moment. I need to be less guarded so others can see what I mean, see how I really feel even though I hide. I need someone to understand the little signs. When I'm quiet, when I'd rather go off on my own even though normally I'd stay around others. When I'm not the me I usually am, when I'm sad and crying and feel so alone that I don't know what to do anymore. Fuck a knight in shining armor, I'd rather have a dork is comfortable clothing. He'd be much nicer to hold.
When will it be my time to not be alone. When will I be able to rely on someone and have them rely on me equally? Why must I wait so long for a taste of what I desire?
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
Back to me and how broken I am. Heh, broken is the right way to describe it. I'm not right. I cry for no reason, the tears just pour from my eyes. I ignore them as they trail down my face. I do and don't want to be around people. I do and don't want to talk. I need someone to ask the right questions so I can get to the answers that keep alluding me so.
I have figured out that there is no one I love at the moment. I have no crushes, but I do have speculation on people who I think may like or be interested in me, but I have no proof for any of my ideas. There are little things, but they're unfounded. I don't think that's what I want... i have no real proof for my reasoning other than a few odd little things that have stuck out in my mind. I have figured out that I am in dire desire for physical contact, be it a hug or just being physically close to someone else. I'd prefer the other person to be male, and I think I'm feeling a desire to be around men. To be around masculine energy, but it needs to be positive and not necessarily perverted. I don't really want to talk, I just want to be close to someone. I don't want to have to take on anyone else's stress and I can't handle anyone else's anger at the moment. I can't be receptive and understanding. I'm to guarded to put in the effort to he considerate. I don't want to be considerate either. I'm mopey and I want someone else to pay attention to me. I want someone to really try no matter how guarded I act. i want someone to put in the effort that I put in when they're upset or in a bad mood.
I want someone to love and someone to love me in return who will try as hard as I do to understand, to comprehend and to help. I'm losing myself in myself. I need the strength of someone else. I'm disgusted with myself. Where did my strength and independence go? Why do I feel the need to be so dependent on others that I feel lost when I'm alone. why do I feel the need to have my own emotions dictated by others? why am I so empathetic and around other who are near as empathetic as I that they can't see that everything I am at the moment is a lie, a facade to hind how I really feel.
i want someone to be able to see past the 'Jasmine' that is quiet, intelligent and strong to be able to see, hug, hold and help that much weaker Jasmine who hides inside. The part of me that wants help, but isn't near loud enough to be heard when she cries out for assistance. I am so guarded all the time that the outer me doesn't want the inner me to be heard, but the inner me must find a way to be heard by someone who can and will help. I don't want to be independent nor do i want to be dependent, I just want to be able to live at a nice moderate in between of strength that is given and received.
I want to be able to draw strength from another, but i can't find any who is able to give me that which I desire. I want to stop feeling the way I do. I want to be able to drawn, i want to be able to feel something other than massive and constant depression at the moment. Will this be gone after next Tuesday? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I knew where to find what I want and that what I wanted would find me. Even if it doesn't last long it would be better than nothing at the moment. I need to be less guarded so others can see what I mean, see how I really feel even though I hide. I need someone to understand the little signs. When I'm quiet, when I'd rather go off on my own even though normally I'd stay around others. When I'm not the me I usually am, when I'm sad and crying and feel so alone that I don't know what to do anymore. Fuck a knight in shining armor, I'd rather have a dork is comfortable clothing. He'd be much nicer to hold.
When will it be my time to not be alone. When will I be able to rely on someone and have them rely on me equally? Why must I wait so long for a taste of what I desire?
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.
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