Conteplating my mother

This was initially a response to a comment about needing to be Christian to understand the Bible, and my disagreement with that idea.  I ended up drifting to thoughts about my mother instead.

"I decided religion stopped making sense for me when I was about 12, but I kept trying. When my mother died when I was 18, she was "taken home" or "God needed her" or whatever platitudes people tried to give me, they never worked. I decided that her death was for the best because her last 3 months sucked. She was in pain and stuck in a hospital. She loved more things than I can and I aspire to be someone she would be proud of, even if I don't have her religious conviction. She wasn't crazy devout, but she would actively go to church just about every Sunday. She also went out to clubs on Fridays or Saturdays, and gambled. She helped those who were less fortunate than we, and she prayed. She also cursed like a sailor. She was human.

Sorry, I'm dealing with mourning, she died on April 28th, I try to get through April every year and it kicks my ass. Upside, I did smile while thinking about my mom and sharing this. She was a good person and literally gave a homeless woman the coat off her back one day because the woman needed it and my mom had plenty of coats. Sh was good to people and children, I think that even without God she would have been that person. She had her dark streaks, but who doesn't. For me, God 'needing' my mom was bullshit, I didn't consider myself to be an 18 year old who didn't need her mom. She was never abusive and the things that I was mad at her about were not worth her dying. I made it through her funeral and the time after with science as my explanation and not religion which gave me shitty answers."

Jasmine P.

Movie Marathon Dreams...And Men

And so, nothing really special has gone on. I'm currently in the middle of watching my 73rd movie for the year. I understand Donnie Darko a lot better now having watched it with commentary.

I have decided that I much preferred Heath Ledger's performance in Lords of Dogtown than to his performances in both Brokeback Mountian and The Dark Knight. The voice, mannerisms, the character/person. Much more engaging, and a character than one can like more.

I have also thought of a nice little connector for my movies, but I don't have some of them, so I'm more in the middle of the connector than the beginning. If I were to do that, I'd start with Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild, Milk then Dogtown which would segue into Ledger, then after that Brokeback which would lead into Donnie Darko then Zodiac then any friggin Downey movie I could think of to tickle my fancy. That would be a sweet marathon set up.

On another note. Emile Hirsch is a total friggin' cutie, and I'd love to tell him that to his face. Hell, it's not often that I en up fancying a actor anywhere near my own age, that little piece of bombshell is 24. Very attractive, I tells ya.

Another attractive gent is this dude from fencing club. I won' go into details...or hell..this is my journal, and after going into detail about my surgery, I can be as fucking personal as I damned well please. The gent in question is Paul. Not often at practice, but way too fun to tease when he is there. But I also think that's the basis for the attraction. So easily flustered, but that's also what I try to do at times, just plain make him flustered. I think I do it because I crush on him a little. I dunno, maybe if he's at practice on the 28th I'll tell him I think he's cute.

I have decided that Jake Gyllenhaal has an adorable smile. I think that's what I end up liking the most about dides, their smile. Their personality, of course, but their smiles. Mouths apparently.

I've always thoguht I was an eye person, but I love ot smile, so I probably like seeing someone who knows how to smile myself. Makes for a good personality, and good spirits with proper smiling. I dunno. I've waxed on why I liked Ledger in Dogtown but that chatacter ezperienced such a wide array of emotions and such a downfall that he was much mroe interesting. Granted the emotional waves that occurr during Brokeback, but it was still something different and much more intriguing.

I like me some men, but I've never had one. It's a pipedream that doesn't seem as if it'll ever come to fruition. I guess pipedreams don't some to fruition, that's what they're called pipedreams. But the problem is I can't see my future. Normally see something. Well, I do see me moving out to California after graduation. Maybe some part of my dream will come true then.

That would be fun. Having any sort of change onthe relationship front would be pretty alright. From where I'm sitting, it would be a change for the better. Portnetioanlly. Then again, I guess I'm saying I'm not entierly happy with my life where it is.

That's also me saying, or thinking I'm depressed. I tend to think about relationships more when I'm feeling depressed or alone. Considering the movies I end up watching sometimes, that doesn't help anything. I'm a lonely frig. That's what I'll be, pretending I'm not.

My depression writing, these journals, are always full of fail. I end up writing about being forlorn or lonely. Doesn't really help anythijng. Time will grant me things I don't have now, and let's hope that somewhere in my future is love.

Bah, any time I think about men, my writing goes to crap. It's so depressed and boring.

And to voice a lament I've voiced before-I wish someone here would choose me. However...I can't wait until I'm more than just a bench warmer of life. Maybe this fall. Heh, I keep pushing my time back further and further. Time is a whore of a mistress. Things you want never last as long as you want them. And things you're waiting for take too long to arrive.

Jasmine P.

Movie and Medical Madness

So, it's been a short period of time and I have a small window of writing ability ot take care of a bit of story telling about my last few days. I blame typos on my little medi-collada I took five minutes prior to attempting to write this.

I spent last weekend hanging with Alex, that was awesome, per usual, and we watched a whole mess of awesome movies, which was pretty sweet. We caught Watchmen, which I enjoyed thuroughly. I made it home on Sunday and spent a few days there before my surgery on Thursday morning. Nothing special happened at home, but I was in a whole mess of pain. That I do remember.

Wendesday Dorien and I drove down to Norfolk. We went to Moe's for a late lunch. We sat around the apartment for a while and I took a nap before eating my last pre-op meal around 9 that night. I didn't consume anything after 10:30/11. I went to bed not too long before midnight. I slept like shit because I didn't take any tylenol. Woke up a few times during the night, and dreamt that my surgery would have to be pushed back because I kept forgetting I couldn't eat, and would eat stuff.

I woke up around 7:44am and got ready. I left the old bandages, but changed the ones from the groin area because those were straight up foul, and not taped to me, like the ones under my arms. Dad got here literally right when we were going to leave and I got to the hospital around 9:47, when they were calling me to make sure I was on my way. I checked in and we hung out in the waiting room until about...10:15 then I left the fam. and headed for pre-op. I got an IV placed in my left hand, and changed into a gown. I was nervous, but tried not to be, I was also cold and said as much.

From the pre-op I was asked a variety of health related questions such as the likelyhood of my being pregant and the last time I had imbibed anything from food, to booze to cigarettes and the frequency. I answered truthfully, not reason not to. Well, aside from how much tylenol I took, that I lied about.

Dr. Reed came in during the second round of the questions and marked me up with a purple pen so they knew where they were going to cut and what not. That was interesting. Mildly awkward...thankfully only mildly. I saw Dorien and Dad one last time, Miguel didn't arrive until I was in my 24hour post op room. I got wheeled into the operation room. It was cold in there, they gave me some warm blankets and had me slide from the first bed to the operation bed. That was a skinny little bed. I laid on it and I think they ran something through IV I think. I remember them putting the mask over my face, the air in it was cold. I was out and I have been told that the surgery went fine. I feel fine two days later.

I remember waking up in the recovery room. It was cold there, and somehow between the surgical studio and the recovery room my IV fell out, so tehy had to try to give me another. I was fine with the first few attempts, but by the 5th attempt to give me an IV from torunaquette all the way to them stabbing me and failing I was getting annoyed and whiney and fidgity. I told them I was cold and after tehy warmed me up a bit they were able to get an Iv into me, in my left arm. And at one point they tried my foot. That one annoyed me. My friggin' foot. I got a few doses of morphine, that was sweet. No pain, and I wanted to sleep.

Terry, my man nurse, kept telling me to breath deeper, I have a penchant for shallow breathing apparently. He was also awesome and gave me some ice chips and apple juice after I was out of surgery for a few hours. He asked me how tolerable my pain was. At it's worst I was only at 6, and at the best in the recovery room I was at about 2. He also got me a bedpan. That was pretty embarassing and awkward, trying to use a bed pan. I was sure that I had peed in the bed and not in the bedpan, but I had to pee. I had to pee a lot.

I was moved form the recovery room to the post-op 24 hour stay around 5 or 6. I was in the room for a few minutes before Dad, Pattie and Dorien got there. I told them about the IV and how I was feeling. I made it to the bathroom again at some point, and I did have fun telling Dad to close his eyes or what not when the doctor's were looking at the bandages or when I went to the bathroom.

Oh, aside from Dr. Reed remember me and the fact that I fenced, my post op doctor I met back in September, Dr. Noorbakhsh also remembered me and my fencing. Weird, seriously. He was nice still, so my stay in thehospital was bearble. I slept terribly that night, and that it the conclusion of the story for now. My next post will tackle Friday and Saturday which will recant my being doped on pain killers and watching TV and trying to type and do things on the computer. Nothing too crazy, but I do want to remember this time, and this is on the internet for the fuck of it. It's not so personal that I need to save it to my HD, and if you think it is, fuck off and find something else to read.

Jasmine P.

Fucked Up Future Babies

I think that if television and movies and other forms of entertainment continue to follow the trends that the Baby-Boomers are leading us towards that our entertainment will start to retard and become infantile.

What I mean is that with the biggest movie and television companies they're omitting things that people do because they consider it to be marketing of negative habits or traits that children will hone in on and replicate. They're slowing getting rid of smoking in tv shows and in movies, so people don't smoke, but when you walk down the street, through and amusement park, a regular park, people are smoking. It's what they do. My mom smoked, that never really made me want to try smoking, and it's my lungs and decision. I understood it wasn't something one did until 18, and it fucks you up so why do it? The addiction. Okay, whatever, that's your M.O.

They're getting rid of things that people just do because they're pessimistic thinkers in how impressionable children are. If they're taught properly to do or not to do something they will or won't do it. If they watch things geared toward their age group, they're also less likely to bear witness to something 'harmful'.

I also think it's quite idiotic that that Disney is going to retroactively ruin so many of their movies be omitting cigarettes and smoking. That's an integral habit to that character, or the stereotype the character represents. The father, Darling I think his name was, from 101 Dalmatians smoked like a chimney the night the puppies were born, so they're removing his cigarettes. Cruella just plain smoked like a chimney and if I remember right the other characters reacted to her throwing ashes all around from her cigarettes and what not. I know they own the right and the property, but there is still artistic integrity to not change something so long after the fact. When the cartoon was made, it's what people did. People smoked. They gave away cigars when their babies were born. Or re-rating it by the MPAA. Why?

With the trend in making the world 'child safe' I don't see things boding well for mainstream entertainment. I think once they've gotten that nasty little smoking habit kicked from TV, and movies, they'll go after drinking if they're still in power. I think that with the degradation that seems to be going on will last for another 5-15 years until whatever our generation is. Y or whatever bull shit they decided to name us. I think that when those of us who were born to the liberal stoner parents or that generation, the 70s and 80s babies. We're in our 20s and 30s now and we look at the changes going on in TV and think it's a waste. There are signs of a culture. I'd rather not see the only smoking in movies in stoner flicks, they're not all bad, but what about a post coital fag every now and again. It's what people do!

I hope that when the babies of 80s/90s babies are born that the 70s/80s adults will be in control of the movie companies and such so that television will show realer people being real. People smoke, they drink, they fuck. I swear, they're going to also remove instances of pre-maraital sex from movies and such probable in an attempt to get kids to not have sex randomly. It happens, it's always happened and it will continue to happen. Where things are going, people want to protect their children from the world. You have to let them experience things, let them experience life and learn what really happens in life. I'd rather have a kid that knew too much than one that knew too little. Too little knowledge of the real world and there will be severe culture shock.

If I become a parent, my children will learn just how bloody history was. They will have the opportunity to see violent, perverse movies and television, I will find someway to get a DVD player once we move onto something more futuristic. I will explain just why on TV people sit in all white rooms and talk about the weather and not about the news. My kids will have the opportunity to experience the same things I have. I'll hold onto my books so my kids have the chance to read some hard hitting literature, some idiotic literature, some violent literature, intelligent everything I own. We're moving closer to a Fahrenheit 451 dystopic future that needs to be stopped.

When I say 'book' I mean paper. Fuck digital books. Maybe I'm just a bibliophile, or a romantic, but it's not the same to read digital print. There's something about the scent of ink on paper. There's something about actually seeing a different font in a book something that's sans serfs [aparently serfs are important for letter recognition] Hell, it's cozier to hold a book than a cold piece of hardware with a million books downloaded. It's nice to sit in a library and to have hundreds of books up on the walls.

All in all, this was written over the course of an hour , in between surfing the net. It's quite unusual I was able to maintain focus every time I came back, but it's equally unusual that I didn't just bust this out all in one go. But my point is if things keep going at the rate they're going and where they're going, the children of the future will end up being bigger pansies than we were as children, and don't fucking deny that you weren't a pansy. Look at the shit that kids had during the middle ages, or hell, even the early 20th century. So grim and gruesome, but they were fine. There was smoking and drinking everywhere and they were fine, so why not now and into the future. People say they do things for the children to protect them, but it's more for their twisted, idiotic lives. They don't want their kids to fear the things they feared so they don't want them to experience it, but that only makes things worse, delaying the inevitable. Let them grow up with it and they'll be fine. They'll be better adjusted to life outside America if they know of the violence and the harsh reality of reality.

Jasmine P.

Island

Damn my hormones, but this is also a truth of sorts. At this moment I am weak. I can't help it, but I stay as strong as I can.

I am an island. I trust no one because they never keep their promises. I've been left on my own so often, I might as well not seek oit others. I might as well as stay on my own and live by my own strength.

That makes me wonder about why I try to rely on others. There is no one here for me but me. There is no one I can trust with anything so why bother? Why should I look to others for help when they don't help me. I shouldn't. I should keep to myself and not bother dealing with anyone else. Other people only forsake and anger me. They don't do as they say and they leave me depressed when I try to fight it.

Is there any reason to fight it, well, aside from the tears. Those are quite annoying. But other than that, is there any reason to not just internalize everything? Probably not. No one will be here forever and few are there when I need them. There's only me.

This needs to be said. Fuck all hormones to high heaven and low hell. I ought to feel better in about two days. I've been feeling so good too, aside from the caffeine and sugar cravings, I've been coping quite well and I've been well in general.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Trying Not to Lose It

For once this isn't depression based dementia...loss of control rather.

We got some mail today, it was addressed to the Estate of Pat P. our om, the estate of our mom, which is the three of us. There was also one addressed to Dorien and my Aunt, who are Trustees of the estate. I opened one of them, quite curious to see what it was about, and I don't think I like what it said. I hope to high heavel and low fucking hell that I read it wrong. Details are unnecessary here, but those whom I trust enough with this information will get it prior to the consequences that I'm in fear of.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.