Esoterically Me

I am esoteric. I rely on other people without blatantly telling them that I rely on them. I use my friends to validate me to such an extent that when I'm alone I decide I'm worthless and want other people to tell me what to do, how to act or even just tell me to do something I already want to do. Like, right now, I'm friggin' giddy over this dude. I spend too much time contemplating what he thinks about me, what I'm wearing or things I like or say. I have elaborate fantasies of us just hanging out or him actually asking me out and it both cheers m up an depresses me. I feel like I'm loved but then I think about who I am and how I act and decide there's no way he'd like me and I'm back to where I started again. Sometimes I make elaborate plans to boldly say what I feel but it never works out. I'm either too distracted in the moment (too giddy, too eager, too nervous) or I'm finally calm again and I'm confused as to how I feel. I'm going insane. The person I actively turn to tells me to just go for it, but then I'm too afraid, or I don't know the next time I'll see this guy.

I'm esoterically me because I post song lyric for unrequited-love songs as my status on facebook hoping he gets the message. I say we should do something together, effectively saying we should go out or I go out on a limb and directly ask him out. I'm tired of being so stressed out, I want to forget about romance and infatuation and just focus on being stressed about school and classes and getting my life together.

I want a cheat code to get to the end. I want to peek at the last page of the book to see how it all ends, I'm tired of turning the pages one by one and feeling like I progress no further into the story then I was when I woke up this morning. I at least want to say something before my journal comic gets online. There's flirting  something like...6 or 12 days in, love sick whining for the next two months then meager interaction for the last few weeks with an increase in pining and being a whiny bitch. 

I'm tired of being so esoterically me.
Jasmine P.

Fuck, this whole rant is esoteric.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

This reminds me of what I wrote up here last year, looking for love, finding one and not going ahead with anything. [[throwback]] But based off of certain circumstances, instances, rather, this might be more successful if anything is said. Maybe I should practice saying something, in my head as least. I kind of like skipping the whole confession part of everything and image being in a relationship.

Things of interest, he does seem to hyper-focus on me sometimes when we're together or with other people. In a weird way I do the exact opposite, avoid eye-contact and what not because then I start thinking stupid things or focusing too much until I'm too nervous to act normal.

Jack Johnson is the best and worst thing at the moment.

I don't want to be the one to start things, but I also don't want to be in this awkward limbo anymore. I'd love ANY little sign that this is requited love and not unrequited.

I need to write about something other than my lack there of of a relationship with this person. Fuck all! Heh, for as outgoing as I normally am I can't just take control of this. I need to stop protecting me and go out on a limb for once, it would do me a hell of a lot of good if I did. Is is so hard to want any little obvious sign. The most obvious I can notice is how often we hang out, but that doens't count for anything. Unless something happens, we'll fall into the friendship rut and nothig will change.ell, i damn near want Za to push me into him ro something retarded. That would be better than fuck near nothing. I know things aren't like movies, but sometimes I want the ease or confidance of getting into a relationship that people seem to always have in movies.

Hopefully I'll have something more substantial to write here soon. I'm tired of re-writingt he same things, but sadly these same things are on my mind all the time.

Jasmine P.

May 12th, I Feel So Alone

I'm so bored and so alone right now. I crave socialization and people. I crave something to do, somewhere to go, and for this damned rain to let up. I need my computer to be working so when I get the desire, the inspiration to write one of these that I actually can, that they work out. I had this great rant earlier about how annoyed I am to be so alone right now and what I want. Well, here's a bit of it.

First and foremost, I want a damed hug! I crave and need physical contact. Last time I had a hug was on Saturday when I ran into CR when I was literally on my way out to leave for home.

Secondly, I want to not be alone, and I need to find something to do outside this house, especially at night. I've always been worse about being on my own at night than any other time. I've got the cabin fever like nobodies business and I need to get away.

Thirdly, I miss everyone and damn near everything about being in Norfolk. I miss the ease of being able to hang out with people, of being able to go somewhere. I miss the jokes and the silliness. Hell, I looked through the last 80 photos on my camera before going to be last night just so I could laugh and reminisce about people I met in just September, for the most part.

I've lost most my rant to distractions, but I'm always thinking about everyone back from ODU. I'm craving a reason, an excuse to leave my house. I desire not so much entertainment, but fellowship, not living to such a solitary degree. My brothers don't cut it. Sure, we all like video games, but I don't care for being around them for extended periods of time. I'll be fine in a week or two, I hope. But I don't always want to be the one reaching out to everyone else. I want someone to reach out to me first so I feel needed and not just needful.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Restless

I dunno. At the moment I feel incredibly restless and irritable. I'm upset about something that's only in my head and it's just a bitch. I'm upset about how a friend of mine is acting. After knowing him for the few months that I have known him I can easily understand how he acts. I understand how he acts around many women. I think I feel bad because I'm not the person he'd give up time for. I guess it's a type of heart break...mixed in with PMSing, and at the moment I don't want to be alone, and per usual the people I'd rather not be alone around are busy.

So, to elaborate a bit on how I see the situation, said friend gets next to, hangs out and makes time for specific people at a time. I think it's pretty much an 'instant crush' sort of deal, except for him, unlike it being at the time of meeting, it's when the current 'crush' has moved on. I think it's between a crush and like a fascination. I dunno, but I don't think it's so much that fact that it isn't me anymore, it's the fact that it's a mutual friend, my best friend, so I don't have anyone to distract me from myself, and I am the most dangerous person for me to be alone with.

I think this will pass soon, but right now, at this minute, it's just frustrating, and I'm trying not to cry from feeling alone. I think one of these days I'll go out on a limb and 'meet somebody'. I mean this a a perennial complaint and wish that I would have someone who I could go to all the time, no questions asked and just chill with. I'm fantasizing at the moment about having someone and I don't think that' really helping my cause any, so I think I need to just go and find somebody. That's a weird turn fo phrase to just go 'meet' or to 'find somebody' how do people ever know what they're looking for. I know people with interesting outward appearances but kick ass personalities and people who look all kick ass and cool, but really aren't. I'm much more than one of those types of people who only want a person's look, I want more, I need something substantial. But I also wonder if that's the type of person I'll ultimately end up with. I mean, people talk about not ending up with the type of person they always thought they'd marry, but being truly happy with them, so what if it's the same with me?

I've thought about the criterion that I want filled, and I think in the long run is that I want someone whom I consider a superior because I want to be able to seriously reply on them to be mature when I'm not so mature, and so I can be taken care of on days like to day when I just want to not be alone. I have someone to hug and lay all up on and in general not be so distant to. I dislike the fact that I feel a desire to be so dependent on someone else, but I also think that's what I want, to be able to be so dependent every once in a while. To be pampered. But I also want someone intelligent so I can have an intellectual challenge. Not to play stupid word games with all the time, but someone I have debate with over things, but can also see the intelligence and the intellect in something that I find to be clever and amusing.

After getting my bearings, I feel better, but I still don't want to be alone. I know what I want, but I don't know how to find it. Fuck using some dating group. I can find someone suitable without the help of lame want ads and the like.

God, this is seriously just the PMS talking. I can't wait this this is over and I'm not feeling so melancholy.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

restless

grrr! i swear right now i'm like, super crazy mad antsy or energetic! i either want to stick fight or just not have to deal with math homework. hell, right now i could even just go to bed [except i'd be up before the sun rose] i think i'mma have to work on eating my one meal of the day earlier than 6...some time about 4 might be better than waiting until 6. I also want some tea or coffee. I need something warm for my throat. And this is annoying as hell! the pink-eye transferred from my left eye to my right eye and every time i blow my nose i damn near pop my ears. i'm tired of this crud!

i don't know what i want, i just don't really want ot be alone atm. should i wander towards rogers and harass lizabeth or should i hope to run into cr and him be able to stickfight...man, i'm so annoying and restless right now i'm not even going to correct spelling or grammar. this is how i wrote this bitch! few to no caps frigga-dammit!

Adios for now
:salute bow:
Jasmine P.