Complexity of an Art Degree

Every fucking time I have a friend or family tell me that art is an 'easy' degree I want to slap them in the face.  For many reading this it's preaching to the preacher but to continue trying to make it on my own or with a tiny group of friends is not easy. I'm not trying to work for a big company, I have my own stories and ideas that are bursting to be released. I'm like a zombie but instead of craving brains and entrails I crave time and paper because I always have ideas. I have ideas I think I can sell, I have ideas that I think people will buy and I have skill and talent, and it's hard. I always want to draw, but I'm always up for social engagements, take tonight for instance: I have my journal comic that I need to continue inking and preparing to upload. I have pages I need to go back to and refine and I need to rescan everything I've scanned/posted so far because days didn't have full shading, but I went to listen to Christian Lander speak instead. Dude was funny and it was a good evening, but I didn't work on my comic. I need it get off the ground so I can start selling my fiction and not just my reality.

What makes art so difficult is that even as I'm laying on my be typing this my fingers are itching to pick up a pencil and draw something, ink something create something anything and I have a million other things I need or want to be working on first. I have offers left and right to create things to sell, which I need to get going on before I forget for one thing, and I have other offers to get my name out there and be published once again in my college newspaper. I want to drop out of college so I can devote more time to comics, but I don't have the money for that. I want to take out a hypothetical loan on my future for now, I'm not going to because there are things I want to improve while I'm in this environment to find ways to make things better. I'm working at getting more of my work known and out places. And art degree is serious and difficult business because of the market. The work isn't especially 'hard' because you're selling what you can do, but it's harder then other jobs because every project is tailor made for whoever you're selling things to or creating things for. I'm taking everything I'm learning now, flipping it on it's head to make it all work for me.

In doing all this I talk big. People tell me I sound like I know what I'm doing. I don't, I'm fucking terrified. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to move home, that I'm going to fail and I'll just keep dreaming that I made it in comics and sequential art. I'm also terrified that I'll succeed, I'll make comics that people like, I'll have fans and people will want to buy every stupid thing I draw. I also fear staying in the middle, being known to a handful of people and selling some things, but spending most of my time in some horrible office job were people didn't know I spent my night and weekends creating comics and my life ever got better.

These ideas keep me from picking up a pen and being jealous of everyone who has made it. It also inspires me to grab hold of a pen even sooner so I can prove my worth and get my foot in the door. I want to be known, but I'm afraid of what I have to do to get to that point. That time comes every night where I have to buckle down and get things drawn, it's time for me to work on my journal comic, I've put off doing more than a few pieces of spot shading for a about a week and I need to be prepared to spend Monday scanning and prepping more pages. I can make it, I'm not so afraid and my work is good enough. People will want to buy my pieces and I won't be too afraid to sell them.

Jasmine P.

Esoterically Me

I am esoteric. I rely on other people without blatantly telling them that I rely on them. I use my friends to validate me to such an extent that when I'm alone I decide I'm worthless and want other people to tell me what to do, how to act or even just tell me to do something I already want to do. Like, right now, I'm friggin' giddy over this dude. I spend too much time contemplating what he thinks about me, what I'm wearing or things I like or say. I have elaborate fantasies of us just hanging out or him actually asking me out and it both cheers m up an depresses me. I feel like I'm loved but then I think about who I am and how I act and decide there's no way he'd like me and I'm back to where I started again. Sometimes I make elaborate plans to boldly say what I feel but it never works out. I'm either too distracted in the moment (too giddy, too eager, too nervous) or I'm finally calm again and I'm confused as to how I feel. I'm going insane. The person I actively turn to tells me to just go for it, but then I'm too afraid, or I don't know the next time I'll see this guy.

I'm esoterically me because I post song lyric for unrequited-love songs as my status on facebook hoping he gets the message. I say we should do something together, effectively saying we should go out or I go out on a limb and directly ask him out. I'm tired of being so stressed out, I want to forget about romance and infatuation and just focus on being stressed about school and classes and getting my life together.

I want a cheat code to get to the end. I want to peek at the last page of the book to see how it all ends, I'm tired of turning the pages one by one and feeling like I progress no further into the story then I was when I woke up this morning. I at least want to say something before my journal comic gets online. There's flirting  something like...6 or 12 days in, love sick whining for the next two months then meager interaction for the last few weeks with an increase in pining and being a whiny bitch. 

I'm tired of being so esoterically me.
Jasmine P.

Fuck, this whole rant is esoteric.

My Past 24 Hours: A Hellish Roller Coaster

Yesterday I spent about...4 hours watching the first two series of Black Books which was created by Graham Linham and Dylan Moran. It's a fantastically awesome series about three misanthropes. Bernard Black run Black Books, a used bookstore; Manny goes bonkers and starts working there and Bernard's friend Fran spends a lot of time hanging out in the shop. They live drinking, smoking and being all around ridiculous.  The characters remind me a bit of a British It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia at times, the humor isn't as dry as some British comedies can be. It made yesterday pretty damn awesome as I started sinking into being depressed.

Speaking of being depressed...I went to counseling yesterday morning, like most Tuesdays. Prior to I did that stupid thing where I sleep for four hours. Seriously, I think it's a retarded side effect from quitting smoking. I don't know, it's really friggin' annoying. I woke up at 6, I was able to get back to sleep, but being awake was not plesant. It's not like I didn't feel rested, but I know me and I know my habits so I don't understand why I keep waking up after only four hours of sleep.

In councling I spoke about what's gone on over the past week including going to a festival this past Friday and going to a youth church thing. I can appreciate where the group is coming from by using rap to make the youth feel closer to the message [it was a predominantly black church group] but I don't agree. It sounded mostly like hardcore rap which seems a little counterproductive. What I mean is, if it sounds like gangster, shoot-'em-up rap and you can't understand what's being said, how do they know the message they intended got across to the youth? If you look at my track record of music habits I'm across the board, except for hardcore rap. I never liked that sound, it has never been pleasing to my ears so I was judgemental. If you remember my earlier blogs about my opinion of religion I was already going in judging. I tried to get with it but I couldn't. When the speaker got up on stage to preach I was more or less fine with the message. He spoke about not giving up because something is too hard. That's the Devil's work getting you off your proper path. That I could get behind. I could not agree with his use of a cancer analogy.

For the newcomers, my mother died from cancer. I don't like talking about cancer in that ambiguous manner that if someone died from it, they gave up. Bull-fucking-shit. My family and I never 'gave up hope' we held out  candle for my mother the entire time she was ill. We prayed, our church prayed, her co-workers prayed. She's now on a prayer list or something with some church, still. People have not forgotten us. There were a lot of people who didn't give up praying for her. The doctors did the best the could and ended up trying to keep her pain manageable. She died because of science. Why do I not want to accept it as God's will? I'll tell you. I don't want to accept it as God's will because I still needed her. I still need her.

I have met a lot of people who care, who will give me advice and help me should I ask, and even if I don't ask all the time. That's all well and dandy but my mother is still dead. It's not the same. If God cared about me than why did she need to die? So I could grow up? What's going to happen in my life that I couldn't stay naive for a few months longer, a few years longer.

Why did she have to die, science can explain. The massive amounts of chemicals in her system took their toll on her body, it could not take it anymore. Her kidney's stopped flushing water from her blood; her lungs deteriorated from pneumonia getting a hold of her chemotherapy weakened system and her body was too far deceased and disconnected to continue. Her body knew it was time, it tried to keep up but it couldn't repair itself fast enough. The thought that biology happened, that it's the natural order of life and death, that all living things die at some point made me feel better than saying 'God wanted her to come home.' Science gives me answers. I believe in science. I believe in some deity getting things started and is now sitting back or just plain gone and this world continues circling that fucking star. Science has yet to give us all the answers. I can accept that. I mean, if the universe started from the 'Big Bang' where did the elements come from for that initial beginning? If they came from an even earlier universe, what happened to that one? And where did that one come from?

We don't know, so I believe in science as far as it can give me an educated answer. It might all be wrong but it makes enough sense and seems plausible enough for me.

I left counseling this morning with my counselor asking me to detail how I felt as my mother was sick, when she died and after. Thankfully I have so many damn blogs and journals it's kind of like aggregating it and maybe writing something new, or taking this. Not too sure yet.

I left counseling and killed some time until I went out to Jerry's Art-Arama to get supplies for my color theory class. I spent $184 to get my supplies, giant 19X24 bristol, color aid, pencils, triangle, compass and a shit ton of 'other'. I did get to save abut $20, my friend who is now dropping the class, is letting me borrow some things for the duration which is pretty sweet.

Now, the trip back from Jerry's, which is out in Virginia Beach was an interesting and highly irritating one. Remember how I said I was slipping into depression last night? Well it reared it's bastardly ugly head. Fucking bastard. People's driving was irritating me and my friend tried to give me some advice on how to deal with it. It didn't help. I was in the middle of being depressed, being told just about anything does not help. We were stuck in traffic because of an accident on 64 and people just kept irritating me. My friend couldn't placate me and was actually counter productive. When I cry I don't want to be told it's fine to cry, I like rationalizing things out. I like words, I like taking the elusive and explaining it to the best of my ability. Why? It focuses me. It keeps me in control. I like being in control.

That's not to say I don't let myself go and go with the flow of things. I have been stepping out of my box, out f my comfort zone for a while, trying new things. At the festival I tried crawfish, I went back to a church for the first time in three years, I've gone out with people I don't know. I have no problem feeling joy, happiness, bliss, anger, irritation, depression. I feel, I like feeling with words. Tears do nothing. No, crying doesn't make me feel better, I hate crying, I hate it when I cry, it's like I've lost control in an unpleasant way.  Science on wikipedia gives me a few answers but not much is going on right now to really prompt this. It's irritating and I really can't stand crying.

And looking at that and knowing me I can now predict a few things. As I said yesterday I knew I was getting depressed. As I cried I said I was feeling depressed. I've written more journals in the past few weeks than I have in a while. Writing is one of the things I do when I'm depressed, I'm trying to put my feelings into words, trying to work through it. Writing about any thing that comes to mind. [Yes, I want 'any' and 'thing' to be separate words]. I've been depressed and I'm PMS-ing. I'm not as hard up about candy unless I'm pms-ing, and I want peanut butter. It was never chocolate for me, always peanut butter. At the moment it's peanut butter M&Ms, yeah there's chocolate, but it's about the peanut butter. It's usually Reese's Pieces, I know these things.

So I'm in my car, trapped in my traffic, in the Virginia heat [with A/C], and I'm crying and depressed. My friend it telling me it's fine. It's not fine. It's never fine when I cry. Very few of my friends have seen me cry and it's always when I can't put my frustrations into words.

I hate crying. Period.

I dropped him off, came home, and made a 16 oz Cosmopolitan in a water-bottle. I downed it in an hour and rolled around on my bed drunk and doing nothing on the internet until I decided to see Toy Story 3. I have been thinking about not seeing it, but in the long run I had to. It was awesome. I didn't like that the three trailer's before the movie were for 3D flicks, I saw Toy Store in classic 2D and these trailers seemed like those movies weren't going to be distributed in 2D, I assume they will be but we'll see. One of these days on my movie blog I'll put up my opinion about 3D and elaborate on my distaste for it. And if you pop over to my movie blog, you can see my opinion on making pseudo 3D/CGI animated films, as critiqued by the Smurfs movie slated for next year. I also have some ideas about photo-realism, which can fit into that blog but will get it's own, because that owl movie looks creepy (it had human eyes..wtf?!? -ovular-). But, I don't like barn owls, their faces are disturbingly flat, and the movie seems to 'star' a barn owl. Joy. Or it's a masked owl...I don't like the flatter faces. The other things I noticed in the trailers is that there are two animated movies for this summer/fall that seem like they're supposed to be sympathetic to villains. The Will Ferrel one, Mastermind or whatever (...'it's BIG for a reason'...great, penis envy jokes); and the Steve Carell one, Despicable Me (reading this plot, this seems weak. I like the beginning idea, but where it goes, not as much). I think the trailer could be made stronger if the minion characters said the word right, instead of tailoring it to kids, if they broke it down on the screen for the kid to learn the damn word and not having the minion stumble on the word then having the announcer say it correctly.

So, Toy Story 3, fantastic. It was also hella depressing. It was also hella brilliant. I loved the toys that were there in the the day care, I loved how things played out. It was all really well written an animated. I don't want to spoil much, but I do with that more had been done with Bonnie's toys, they were awesome. And great voices all around. I could have gone with the Spanish Buzz joke, it went on a bit too long for me and seemed to be a little contrived, but outside of that bit of nit picking I enjoyed everything. It was written on a kid's level, but was great for adults without it needing to be vulgar, a la Shrek.

Yeah...I came back home and wrote all this out. It's taken me a bit more than an hour. So today was a roller coaster of hell, kind of. But I feel better now that I've written..something! See, crying doesn't help, words do!

Jasmine P.

Early Morning Musings

I've been spending some time over the past few days reading things off the site 'Stand for Christmas' http://www.standforchristmas.com/ and mostly been laughing at these ultra conservative Christians. In part it's from ignorance and non acceptance of other holidays that happen to take place in the winter. If you look at the ratings list for Best Buy people were all pissy and up in arms because the site and circular promoted the Muslim holiday, of Eid al-Adha, which as my meager research on wikipedia told me is a day about prayer and giving from one's flock to the poor. Seriously, that and Best But says nothing specific about Christmas.

I see these people up in arms angry that Christmas isn't getting the 'respect' they think it deserves. I say one comment for Old Navy that said, and I quote "I logged in to this sight to leave a positive feedback for Old Navy because in my local store I noticed the Merry Christmas tees and also gift cards with Merry Christmas on them---a big step up from past years, but I was unaware of the add including Christmas with Kwanza/soltice (the ice skating one is fine with me;goofy, but fine).” So sad that they took one step forward and two giant leaps back." How is being aware of a not-holiday, Kwanzaa in my opinion, and solstice taking two steps back. These people seems to forget that there are many religions in the world that have some sort of festivity in the winter. I know there are plenty of people who believe that Christianity, or factions of, are the 'only religion' it just seems implausible that everyone who decided to write on that site feels that way.

I think saying 'holiday' is fine because there are so many celebrations, religiously based or not. Using the non-reputable source that is Wikipedia, once more, let's see just the sheer number of holidays, festivals, remembrances, or celebrations there are LISTED for the 31 days that make up December. 38 different events around the world, that's not counting the smaller events that take place during the month. It's not just Christmas, there's also Chanukkah which I think is the second largest religious celebration in the month. On December 25th there are also these events:

# Re) birth of Sol Invictus. The winter solstice feast in the Roman Empire from 274 to 391

# Quaid-e-Azam's Day – Pakistan

# Constitution Day – Republic of China now based in Taiwan

# The feast day of Anastasia of Sirmium

# Yule

# Malkh-Festival. Sun festival in pre-Islamic pagan religion of Nakh people. Chechenya and Ingushetia

True, not all of them are celebrated anymore and are known more out of historic necessity, but they're still there. I'm sure there are plenty more. I don't get the fuss that people use 'holiday' over 'Christmas' when so much else goes on. Any why get so hard up for one day? It's about family? So is Thanksgiving. It's about giving? If you truly want to give to other people, give when you don't feel obligated. These people are making it about the material, if they want to really make it about a part of the true aspect of the day, Jesus and giving, they would go out into their communities and help those who are less fortunate instead of opening hundreds or thousands and thousands of dollars worth of things that they'll forget the next day.

With my tirade I'm not saying I don't like getting things, but I remember and like the gifts that I made for people a lot more than any of the stuff I've bought. Back in 2006 I made ornaments for my family and friends. I love those. In 2004 or 2005 I drew my brother a dragon, framed it and he still has it. I'm proud of those gifts. Last year I thought carefully about what people would appreciate, but I don't appreciate the gifts as much, I have to think hard to remember what I gave them. But I remember what I made, that had love, time and compassion not just money. Scupley costs money, and a lot of time, but those gifts were awesome.

The other part of my musings is on the concept of being politically correct. Thinking that it's more pc to be called 'African-American' is wrong for -me- because I'm not African. I'm 1/2 Dominican and 1/2 American. I only have American citizenship, and I don't know how many generations far back are off a boat from any part of Africa. I call myself 'black' or even just 'American' because that's what I am. I don't care so much about that aspect of American history. I respect it for what happened and all that shit, but I have more important things to be looking for in my future. That's what my status from the other day was about, someone on deviantart was talking about how with some Scandanavian comics she draws and posts people comment about where their family's from. I don't really care about my ancestors. It's not to be disrespectful, but that's not -me- so much. I don't want to go to Africa and see what it was like for them there, I don't really want to go to the Dominican Republic, I don't speak the language. I more often just think of myself as American because I don't speak Spanish. I was raised by my mother's side of the family and more often than not think about things they do than things my dad's side of the family does. I don't not love them, I just don't know them. It's different.

About being politically correct for the holidays, I don't see it about being disrespectful, it's about respect for more people. People seem to have a problem with respect. What if I worked retail and wished ' Happy Chanukkah' or even forwent December and started with 'Happy New Year'? That's non-denominational, just different countries or religions, follow different calendars, its offensive to calendars?

I go for politically correct terms because I don't like to be insulted. Once I know what will and won't mess with a person, I'll use it. I say 'I'm fat' not 'overweight' because it's fat, my body has an excess of it. If you have an excess of weight, it's not always fat, it could be water or muscle. I have an excess of fat, and I don't always have a problem with it. Buying clothing is when I have a problem with it. I say all sorts of ridiculous things; I know I say things than can be misconstrued as being disrespectful, but it's not out of disrespect. Sometimes it's due out of ignorance, which is different than going out and being rude. I think a large part about being politically correct is who you're interacting with. Some people mind and others don't. Listen to how I talk, I say ridiculous things EVERY DAY, sometimes on purpose, sometimes it just is what it is.

I know I’m politically correct when I speak. I do it for me because it feels right. I use more or less the same language in front of someone or behind their back, profanity aside. If I don’t know I’ll ask, and I’ll apologize if I think I said something wrong. The other day I was at a hookah bar when it was closing. I was curious what language some of the other patrons were using, so I asked. I had assumed it was Arabic, it was when I asked,. I had the chance to ask a question, so I did. I will. I have asked Muslim women one my few occasions, questions about their head wraps. I was curious about them, I know very little about those practices. I had an Indian friend in high school and I think she sometimes had the red dot on her forehead. I think I asked her what it was about, but have since forgotten. I’m curious and try not to be rude, I’ll admit I don’t know because I think it lets whomever I’m speaking to know that I’m honestly curious.

You know what, I’m not sure where exactly I wanted to go with my thoughts on being politically correct aside from questioning them. I don’t understand why people seem to have an issue about not offending other people. I want respect and to get it I have to give it equally. I understand terms change and I’m not always in the venue to learn when or why they changed. Za told me she learned that the new PC term for ‘Native Americans’ is ‘First Americans’. I really don’t see what’s wrong with ‘Native American’ but there’s a new term. I know I use ‘Indian’ more often, and I don’t know if I’ll ever use or need to use ‘First American’ but it’s a new term. Now I want to know why they changed it, what was wrong with calling them ‘Native’? Where would ‘aborigine’ fit in? It’s time I get back to the work I put off to write this, but I kept thinking about it. Now to work for a bit, sleep, then work some more. Joy. Good day, everyone!

Jasmine P.

Batshit Fanbases

I have no shame in admitting I'm a fan of something. But I'm not one of those obsessive and insane, batshit fans. I collect information and media, I collect facts. I like knowing things, it's more of a pipedream to actually meet anything I'm a fan of. If I ever met the actors I like, I'd do my best to not act like an idiot fan, he'll I'd probably become aware of my idiocy and say under my breath 'fuck, I'm acting like a stupid fan' because I say 'fuck, I'm acting like a girl' when I do act like a soft cunt Betty Alice, to take a phrase from my sorely missed and deceased mother. Hell, I have a relative reasonable prediction of how I'd act if I actually met, and wasn't just in the presence of any of them. I'd probably say little and not act like an idiot. If I had any time to actually interact, after ten minutes I'd probably be passed the idiot fan part and act like I had some sense. It'd probably be similar to how I acted when I met Hawk and Anath or Dina Stu, of Pandect fame, at Otakon in 2007, I was nervous, told them I loved the comic, and gave them some fan art. If I met an actor I like, I'd probably tell them I enjoy their work, and I'd probably try to ask a question they're not often asked by fans. I like trying to set my self apart from a crowd. But that's my prediction of how I would act.

That being said, this has been written after reading about how fucking batshit insane the Twilight fan-base is, and the worry that normal SDCC participants have. It's understandable considering just how fuckign retarded they cam be when they may be meeting the object of their desire, and just how much they clogged the system last year, that SDCC regulars, or not just Twilight attendees, are worried about what will be happening with this year's impending SDCC, which kicks off in a way tonight as people migrate to San Diego, but in actuality tomorrow.

While reading through things that /Film has written, but also through the comments, it has reaffirmed my knowledge that people are too fucking ignorant. The Twilight-tards are ignorant for acting the way they do. I don't care how personal the writing may be, as if you're the protagonist of the story, it's not fucking real. And to the seemingly male dominated posters at /Film, for shame. Some of the comments were incredibly, and disgustingly ignorant. 'Who cries over a book' which was apparently about some Harry Potter fan who was sad they couldn't get their book when it was released. I don't often cry while interacting with inanimate objects, or with a book or movie, but some of each have and will. I'm sure that fan-boy has cried over some book out there, but he's acting like a dick to make other fans feel worse.

To the batshit fanbases, relax. No, I have never crossed state lines to see any of the actors i've been interested in. But why would I want to be apart of a mob where I'd just be another face in a sea of insane faces. No object of my desire is worth my life, nor anyone else's life. In another way of thinking about it, would you want to hurt that which you have put up on some ignorantly tall pedestal? I highly doubt it.

I say shame on the batshit fans, and shame on those who lump all women together in thinking that some retarded vampire gets their knickers wet. Yeah, I have thought vampires were interesting, but I'm now more for the violence of it all and not the fact that they're all gorgeous pretty boys. I look forward to Daybreakers where the vampires rule the earth. I'm probably a lot closer to the sexist anti-Twilight people, but I have admitted to being sexist against women, it happens, a teacher I had back in tenth grade was the same. That aside, I won't read the books, I won't watch the movies, and in a few years everything will blow over. There will be another big insane pretty boy out there that those easily swayed women will cream over, and I'll probably avoid that too. I don't like insane fan-bases, they actually turn me off of things. If you really want someone to respect your opinion, don't go batshit and bludgeon them over the head with why they should love it too, be reasonable. Or don't give a rat's ass. I love Pushing Daisies, my brother's don't. Oh well. Big fucking whoop, we have differing opinions, but it's not like it's something we all have to deal with. Hell, ever. I'll enjoy the dead show and wish it had continued, and maybe one day they'll want to watch it, if not, so the fuck what?

My guess is that most of this will be preaching to the choir for anyone who reads this. What was the point of this, because my rant was incredibly non linear...I guess, mostly to tell people to calm down, on both, or possibly every side of an opinion. Fans, calm down, anti-fans, calm down. It's not that big a deal. If you don't like it, avoid it at all costs, if you do, don't be a bitch about it. Whatever my point is, it's still probably lost in the words of this long and winding rant.

Jasmine P.

Movie Marathon Dreams...And Men

And so, nothing really special has gone on. I'm currently in the middle of watching my 73rd movie for the year. I understand Donnie Darko a lot better now having watched it with commentary.

I have decided that I much preferred Heath Ledger's performance in Lords of Dogtown than to his performances in both Brokeback Mountian and The Dark Knight. The voice, mannerisms, the character/person. Much more engaging, and a character than one can like more.

I have also thought of a nice little connector for my movies, but I don't have some of them, so I'm more in the middle of the connector than the beginning. If I were to do that, I'd start with Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild, Milk then Dogtown which would segue into Ledger, then after that Brokeback which would lead into Donnie Darko then Zodiac then any friggin Downey movie I could think of to tickle my fancy. That would be a sweet marathon set up.

On another note. Emile Hirsch is a total friggin' cutie, and I'd love to tell him that to his face. Hell, it's not often that I en up fancying a actor anywhere near my own age, that little piece of bombshell is 24. Very attractive, I tells ya.

Another attractive gent is this dude from fencing club. I won' go into details...or hell..this is my journal, and after going into detail about my surgery, I can be as fucking personal as I damned well please. The gent in question is Paul. Not often at practice, but way too fun to tease when he is there. But I also think that's the basis for the attraction. So easily flustered, but that's also what I try to do at times, just plain make him flustered. I think I do it because I crush on him a little. I dunno, maybe if he's at practice on the 28th I'll tell him I think he's cute.

I have decided that Jake Gyllenhaal has an adorable smile. I think that's what I end up liking the most about dides, their smile. Their personality, of course, but their smiles. Mouths apparently.

I've always thoguht I was an eye person, but I love ot smile, so I probably like seeing someone who knows how to smile myself. Makes for a good personality, and good spirits with proper smiling. I dunno. I've waxed on why I liked Ledger in Dogtown but that chatacter ezperienced such a wide array of emotions and such a downfall that he was much mroe interesting. Granted the emotional waves that occurr during Brokeback, but it was still something different and much more intriguing.

I like me some men, but I've never had one. It's a pipedream that doesn't seem as if it'll ever come to fruition. I guess pipedreams don't some to fruition, that's what they're called pipedreams. But the problem is I can't see my future. Normally see something. Well, I do see me moving out to California after graduation. Maybe some part of my dream will come true then.

That would be fun. Having any sort of change onthe relationship front would be pretty alright. From where I'm sitting, it would be a change for the better. Portnetioanlly. Then again, I guess I'm saying I'm not entierly happy with my life where it is.

That's also me saying, or thinking I'm depressed. I tend to think about relationships more when I'm feeling depressed or alone. Considering the movies I end up watching sometimes, that doesn't help anything. I'm a lonely frig. That's what I'll be, pretending I'm not.

My depression writing, these journals, are always full of fail. I end up writing about being forlorn or lonely. Doesn't really help anythijng. Time will grant me things I don't have now, and let's hope that somewhere in my future is love.

Bah, any time I think about men, my writing goes to crap. It's so depressed and boring.

And to voice a lament I've voiced before-I wish someone here would choose me. However...I can't wait until I'm more than just a bench warmer of life. Maybe this fall. Heh, I keep pushing my time back further and further. Time is a whore of a mistress. Things you want never last as long as you want them. And things you're waiting for take too long to arrive.

Jasmine P.

Self-loathing

Its been a long time since I outright hated myself or how I acted. Today was one of those days, one of those times. While I was out Elizabeth called to tell me she was too afraid to move off campus. I have made my resolution that I'm not living on campus anymore. I want to move on, but I was hoping to live with her. My motivation is I want to live with my own rules and not with people I disliked. I'm tired of having to share my living space with people I barely know and don't like, so I guess it works out. I mean, I've know for a long time that the only person I can truly rely on is myself, so I guess it's down to me a wee bit sooner than I thought, but it's what I want. I was a little annoyed and stress. I was annoyed because Elizabeth is so afraid of moving on. I'm trying to break my tethers, I'm fighting to be independent. I'm trying to grow up and she's too afraid of the outside world to be able to make the jump.

I'm a resolute person, I want to as close to the final say in my life as possible. She's not ready for that type of responsibility, I'm ready to try, to prove to the world that I'm an adult in my own right, or to try for it. She can't do that, I was upset that my friend whom I thought could make the trip into proving to the world that she was an adult too was unable to do it. I showed I was upset the way I always have. I cried. I sat in a chair in the middle of a Uni of Mary&Wash gym crying, I tried to sink into music, but I had friends to distract me which was both good and bad. I waxed on it a bit and explained how I was feeling, slightly betrayed, but how I need to move on. Living on campus is holding me back and I need more in my life that I'm in control of, so it's time for me to move on.

So, not too long after I've barely picked up the pieces of me and put myself back together and was almost back to being the strong Jasmine that I show the world I was broken by something as stupid as mushrooms being on my burger at Cheeburger Cheeburger. Nothing tastes as good when you're upset, and I was still upset for another ten minutes. I hated myself. Seriously. To a degree, I hated myself. I hate it when I cry and when I can't get back into control of myself.

Eventually when we were just about done I had calmed myself down, then I spent about ten minutes alone in the Barnes and Noble. I felt much better, then I had to apologize to Ian and AJ because I didn't like how I had acted, but I never like it when I cry especially not when I don't have the chance to sit on my own and get my mind straight. Now, a few hours past, and having written it out and apologized to everyone, except Tristan mostly because I don't know him on facebook, I'm feeling better. I'm back in control of my emotions and I think I can handle things now.

I can nw find a place of my own and be happy. A nice one person apartment, not in some fucking house, but a real apartment, and I'll make my own rules and I'll be happy. Things will be better for me, because I declared it how. Fucking seriously.

Jasmine P.

A Sea of Dire Straits

I really do have too much fun with non-sequitor titles, and my room is cold. Time to return the apartment temperature to it's proper 70 deg. place, then to continue on my post-op life :)

--
One minute later...

damn, that wasn't the apartment, that was me...which is probably a bad thing. Let's check our temperature. 99.1. Not the most worrisome thing, but I'll keep an eye on it, and I guess I'll take a short nap. I mean, I just took some ibuprofen about twenty minutes ago, so that's still working on kicking in.

Considering I can't remember where I left off, another moment or two to see what I last spoke about. :) So I drifted from Thursday night to Saturday morning. I'll write about trying to sleep then onto Friday, for reals.

-----

Sleeping in the hospital was hell, like always for me. Too many damn lights, and I'm supposed to sleep on my back? Friggin' impossible. So I try sleeping seriously around eleven and wake up around one. Knowing sleep won't be easy for me, I just chill and watch some King of the Hill, the beginning of an episode I'd watched the end of prior to sleep. I listened to some random SMod while sleeping and laughed at the stories that the gents shared. I woke up every few hours, once to pee, the other times to just try to lay back and get comfortable again. Dr. Reed came in arounf 6:30am and checked the bandages and spoke with me for a minute. I can't remember what he said, but I relaxed and watched a little bit of Wings before trying to sleep again. This time, aroung 7:30 Dr. Noorbakhsh came in, looked at the bandages and told me I'd be able to leave in a few hours.

I just chilled and watched TV alternately between listening to SMod until breakfast. Eating sucked because they hadn't given me any pain killers and my throat hurt from a tube they stuck down it during surgery. Aroung 10 they gave me some nampersin and after than the pain deminished. Dad and Pattie got to the hospital around 10:30 and I was back in the apartment by about noon. We dropped off the 'scrip and continued back to Powhatan where I told the guys of my inability to sleep. We chatted and Miguel and Dorien hung out with me when Dad and Pattie left to pick up the meds. I ate some lasagna slowly, as my throat still hurt, and didn't move much for about an hour. The guys left aroung 1, Dad and Pattie aoung 1:30 then I was alone and watched a coupl-a flicks.

Elizabeth came over around 4 and we chatted until 6, at which time I tok more drugs and watched more movies. Around nine something the Midget-bitch came back and that irritated me. I went to bed around 11 and slept awkwardly. Aroung 4:30 I woke up needing to pee, but was so afraid of tearing out my sutures that I waited too long and peed on my leg which was distressing and I was tired. It was a lot of pee, and I was more worried about blood because at an earlier time when I'd gone to the bathroom one of my healing wounds kept bleeding, just slowly dripping blood. I didn't want to see more blood falling from me so I stalled. Eventually I peed and one of the giand bandage pads I was given fell into the toilet, so I had to get that before flushing the toilet. I ended up making a sign to tell the Midget-bitch not to use the bathroom until I could clean the floor because I was in no state to clean that damn floor at no 5 in the morning.

I took some more drugs and went back to bed. I woke around 11 and ate more lasagna and took some more pain killers and sat high on the couch for at least 3 hours. I had no concept of time. Pretty awesome though. Watched more movies and tried typing which was idiotic because what I wrote made no sense. Still pretty fun. It was a pleasant lazy day I was typing description for dA, so I uploaded a few inked pictures and sketches that I want to color and just chilled. That evening I finally gave my stitches a good look and they didn't look as bad as I was thinking. They weren't really painful either, but I was also riding some painkiler or another so I couldn't feel pain, even if I wanted to.

I didn't do much and went to bed. Sunday, today, I woke up and made myself breakfast. Eggs, bacon and toast before sitting on the couch and watching Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Still amused by this movie. It's also been interesitng to see Kevin Smith's writing evolve, and his accpetance of ad-libbing. Back during Clerks, they stuck to the script, and now during Z&M they were riffing and it made it in. Maybe part of that, but I didn't notice his conversations coming out as much. Mallrats had some serious Clerks style conversations going on, but none of the rest of the Jersey Triliogy[even if there are 6 and not 3] seemed to have that going, not even ClerksII. I missed his clever writing, but I could appreciate it during Jersey Girl, which I don't understand why people didn't like it. I could see it being difficult to market, but it's a good movie in it's own right. I don't regret buying any of these movies and they've been an awesome way to relax for the weekend as I've been resting after my surgery.

I finished Z&M and watched the Making Of doc, and some of the features before decided I ought to read my english stuff, but opting to write a bit instead. Nothing hard hitting, just my life and what not.

I'm now going to take a nap, and I'll take care of things later. English and psych, and I jsut realized that I forgot to interview my brother's for my psych homework, I'll ask them it over the phone or something. I dunno. It's not due until Friday, so I have some time to take care of it. Rest first, work later. :)

Jasmine P.

A Continuation

Now, to continue with my not quite sordid affairs that have lasted me the past two months, we are now in February and I remember the past month with much more clarity than the prior, because it has been two goddamn months since January. Also, January was so long because it was packed with non-sequitors that came to mind and extra details. But onto the rest of Feruary.

On the 15th we went out to UVA for a tournament and I drank so much goddam coffee that my addiction as seriously be re-ignited in a painful way. Seriously, I drank 2 double shots before 8, and a edius Dunkin' Doughnuts coffee so I could be alert enough for the drive. I learned that Glenn is crap at maintaining a speed. He says this is the furthurest he's driven him 'new' stick shift, which I can accept, he also blames his cruise control for not working properly and I don't accept that because I can maintain my speed better, as far as I'm concerned, and I haveno cruise control. It's all in my foot, baby.

Oh yeah, the previous day, Valentines day, after sobering up enouhg for it to be safe for me to drive from Ian's place, I head over to the Walmart on Little Creek to buy some gatorade and thigns because I don't know what UVA's going to have, and it was a good idea. The gatorade was quite welomed as was the water, so I think I'll keep that up next semester, buying a case of water and a few gatorades for the fencers.

Za made some awesome cookies. Just pointing that out. They were delicious.

Hmm, I glossed over the torunie yesterday, it was a tournie the stats were put down quick style, so let's move back to me. That was Sunday, I was too tired upon returning to Norfolk to do my English reading, but ehh, I tink I had a writing and didn't do it it. Sleep prevailed. Hel, I was tired all day Monday from making the drive and not sleeping properly the weekend before. Hmm, On the Tuesday I went into the EVMS for a surgical consultation for my skin bacteria of terrible and pain and annoying and now itch. Fuck the healing, I'm tired fo the itchiness. But I go in there and after Dr. Britt sees them we figure outwhen I'll be getting them taken care of, the Thursday of my Spring Break, the 12th or something. I think it's the thirteenth.

After about an hour long conversation with my grandmother...

I spent the rest of that tuesday and that week to tell the truth trying to placate my family and tell them what was going on. That was tedious. Seriously tedious. I had to alay theri fears, but noe my father, Patti and my brothers are coming for about two days to hang with me and I dunno, to show they care. My brothers Ihave no problem with. But my father a few more issues because it's not like he's tried to maintan contact with me. I mean, yeah, I do call my brothers about once a week or so, so it's not that often, but we can still maintain a conversation. I never rally want to tell my father anything so I avoid telling him too many truths. He knows I'm goinginto surgery because you tell people that. And he's paying my insurance bills, he kind of really should know. I don't really want them to be here, but they're coming, so I guess I can deal.

Ehh, I've decided that augmentin is a bitch of a anti-bacterial. They gave it to me and now these things bleed, but they don't hurt all the time like before. They're just bloody and gross more often. Man, I'm sleepy now, but I have things to do and things I want to do, like see if I can find a new comic or two, but back to the past. That was that week.

I was bored and alone on Friday. I had been fine up until Friday to be on my own for the weekend, but once Friday ngiht hit I had a mean wave of lonely going on, so I went on an adventure down 64, heading east. That eventually took me to route 17, so I went south and all the way to Elizabeth City. I never didn't anything there, but that's because it was ten, it was dark and nothing was really open. Bumble-fuck towns suck like that. Back in Reston I could drive around and find something, almost anything would have been viable in NoVA, but not here. Yeah. I burned through half a tank of gas doing that too. Thankfully I havne't needed any more glas since then though, or else it would have been that much more annoying.

Saturday I don't remember what I did, but Saturday evening I hung out with Nicole. Incase of anything in the fture, Nicole is a new member to the odufc and she's pretty chill. Anywho, she made a homemade hot pocket, that's something I think I'll try, but I'll need a different type of binding agent, not cream cheese. I might try some type of gravy that's thickened with cracker crumbs or bread. I don't know yet.

This past week was fine, nothing spectacular. This past weekend I watched Clerks and have fallen in love. Ever since I saw Zack and Miri I read a book about Kevin Smith, well, it was a series of journals he had written back around 2003 before filming Jay and Silentbob Strike Back. I found the whole thing to be interesting and Smith has an interesting and unique writing style. I fell in love with Clerks for the reasons it got picked up. There's no real story, but it is a series of interactions. Some are inspired by things that have really happened, some are just some fucked up things he made up. It's a smooth combination of the two that make it awesome to watch. These conversations remind me of my favorite interactions with people, most notably, my interactions with Alex. Dant and Randal have a rapport that reminds me of me and Alex chatting about everything and nothing. And at the same time, everything is important, even if we're just talking about some movie or something stupid. Their conversations were what people did.

My opinion on why the movie is so well loved is that it is one of the most realistic looks at a normal 2o something. They're just stumbling around life and chatting about whatis important at that age. There's no easy way to lay the movie out, but I was caught my Smith's writing during Z&M which is why I needed to see this and for the next few months I'll be watching his other movies. I'll continue through the View Askew Universe to see what I can gleam from everything else. It's jsut a really unique writing style so it's also easy to see why he doesn't like ad-libbing, even thought ad-libbing is one of my favorite things.

I seriously can't put it all into words, this is easily something I'll be able to come back to some time in the future, what I think about this movie. But it's on my list. Something I will own as a DVD, and whatever entity of personal film ownership there will be in the future. It's something I will love when I'm 50, and I'll show it to my kids. Why, it just says something that most anyone at the age of 20-ish can get. Everyone will take away something different, but still important to know or understand about themselves and their friends.

From the extras there were comments about Randal's sexuality, but like they said it's a friend thing. People you're reall ygood friends with you become very protective of them. I'm highly protective of all of my friends, and I'm serious about it all. I would do most anything for any of my really good friends. That's how I am, that's how I pictured Randal. There's another character...Shawn and Gus from PSych have that type of relationship. They're best friends, and they're the only ones who can properly set the other straight, though in the movie Randal set Dante straight more often than not. It would seem like Dante would be in that position, but it works that it's Randal who does that. It's interesting to see the person who seems to be less serious and in control of things to be the much more centered person. The free spirit leads better sometimes and that day, that was the truth.

---

Well, not much more than a nut shell, that was the past two months for me. This journal and the previous one. I've needed to write and haven't had a good topic until now. A large part of it has been Clerks it made me want to write a script. I may start it. I may now, possibly. That's something I have to think about, but at the moment, it is something I'd like to do. But writing this out will also be good for the future when I don't remember my college experiences. Things like this will put some things back into perspective. I'll write more, probably. I might need to just write out something every evening since I have such a writing bug. I guess simply writing out my day will suffice. So maybe for a time this will just be a real journal and not a random collection of essays, but I do love the essays. They're me at my most me. Me at my most me. I'm at ease. I think the rain plus the movies and finally writing has set me to an easy. It's been so cathartic, I miss writing like this. I'll make the time for it since I can't draw worth shit right now, I might as well spend my time writing again.

Well, peace, love and applesauce. I'm not going to sleep, but I'm signing out for now. so PL&A and I'm rocked out, bitches.

Jasmine P.

Mr. Smith

Kevin Smith,
It is apparently imperative that I write a letter you will most likely never see. If I in fact leave my waning sanity and send it to you, this line would be kept in because that's how I roll.
To being, let's put something in perspective, you graduated high school the year I was born.
Now that that's out of the way, to the meat and potatoes of this little little bit of verbose lovefest. I seriously loved Clerks. The second time I tried to watch it. Funny thin is it's been about two months since the first time I tried to watch it, but something wasn't right with me. I loved the cartoon and had to see where it all stemmed from, and finally after readng Silent Bob Speaks and after watching Robert Rodriguez's first couple of movies I had a better appreciation for 1) modern black and white film and 2) something as box destroying as Clerks.
I have spent the past month of January loving El Mariachi, Desperados, From Dusk Till dawn, Four Rooms and The Faculty and I read his book Rebel Without A Crew which put a whole new perspective in my mind about smaller budgeted films that legally there was no way I was seeing when they came out.
What I have decided I have to say to you is that I have spent my entire evening watching Clerks, about 4 times, and most of the special features from the Tenth anniversary collection that I rented from an independent movie rental place near my college campus. I loved the writing. I loved seeing words that most people don't see much too much further than outside of an English class room or in a dictionary when they're looking for dirty words. The rifts between the characters were hella realistic. That's not near how I talk with my friends, but we can and have gotten into conversations, deep conversations on such a variety of topics that how serious they were when they were talking about the most trite of subjects was one of the things that made it special.
Every group of friends has their topic[s]. It was an interesting peek inside your world, well, the world you lived in when you were about my age [you old fuck :)]and it is always nice to see that the youth of the world do have the love of a good conversation or debate, no matter what age they are. Here, it's that awkward stage between being an adult and being a child. I mean, in my eyes right now, I don't usually think of myself as an adult, and I don't can, truly call myself a child.
What this movie has done was inspire me to take my writing mroe seriously. I don't really want to write for a movie, but like many non-famous people I am interested in meeting some celebs. I'm much more interested in getting my own comic drawn and published, or to become a world reknown botanist. Those are things that make me happy. Comics and plants. What was the point of that, note sure, these things are mostly rants to tell the truth.
I loved Clerks and when I have the chance I'm renting the rest of the flicks from the Askewniverse. It seems to be an interesting place to visit every now and again. I know the rest won't be like Clerks, but I'm sure I'll fall in love with each of them for different reasons.
And another point, I loved Zack and Miri Make a Porno. That was the most interesting romantic comedy I've ever seen. The characters did seem to be the most real and they didn't follow the stereotypic relationship arc as in most romantic comedys. And the set up that they've known eachother for just about the entireity of their lives and they live together is a great set up for why they never slept together themselves. I loved what you did with the characters, everybody. Everything fit into the rules of the world. Every movie world has it's own set of rules, and the rules for Z&M were engaging and awesome.

Jasmine P.

Change

To fill in the blanks from the beginning, if for nothing, my terrible memory. On Monday, I decided to ask this guy out. His response is 'maybe' then we talk about other things. We happen to not see each other until Wednesday night, when he agrees to try going out with me. I'm happy, but things between us don't seem any different, in any way shape or form. This is what happens upon question him. [originally a letter to Za]

Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.

I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.

Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.

I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.

I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.

In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.

I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.

Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.

-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.

Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.

Social Study

Its interesting to see how people interact, but it's even more to try to observe oneself on the objective in a very subjective situation. It's also interesting to analyze how I act and to try to figure out why.

A few of the whys: I'm horny, I'm getting depressed, I am just plain lonely.

Now that we have a few possible answers, let's get to the meat of the situation. I'm trying to figure out how a guy I know feels about me, but I'm not sure if this is just me pushing my feelings onto him, or if there is something behind how I'm thinking. I could just be horny, my period is right around the corner and I do get needy and horny right before it so that could be it. Or I could be feeling something for him and that's what I'm unsure of. Two things I noticed today was we got into a bit of a poking war while playing Rock Band, but it didn't just tickle when he poked my side, it was pleasurable. Then there was a time a bit later when we were done fencing and we shook hands, a pleasant feeling ran through my hand.

These are feelings I normally associate with a crush, but this is potentially mutual, so I don't want to just write it off. Another thing is though, last year I said I'd date no fencers, and I met him through fencing. But at the same time, I've not been in a relationship for...well, ever, so I might say 'yes' if he says something just so I can feel loved and feel special and everything that is involved with being in a real relationship with someone. I guess that's what I want, but I don't know if he's who I want.

There's another guy who's always nice and fun to talk to, but he's someone I never see. Well, it's rare, then we don't usually have the chance to talk about much. He might just be nice to all the girls, which would be fine and saddening at the same time. But between these two guys, Guy 2 has props for being both older than me and not a fencer, but Guy 1 has a much closer proximity and we have been hanging out a lot.

That might also be the inspiration for false feelings, close social interaction.

So, like I said, Social Study. A study of me socially. I want some answers soon, hell, I want one of them to say something so I'd actually have something to think about and something to get advice on. I would finally need advice, and it would be fine with me.

Time shall tell.

Jasmine P.

Me and Religion

This was written around midnight, so ten hours ago.

After looking at my friend's note and some of the comments, most of us commentators decided to avoided his God issue. That made me think about my relationship with religion.

I say I believe in the bible and God and am Christian. It's how I was raised and it's something I decided to accept and not question. It's something I still don't really question and I have my stances on aspects of religion and my relationship with it, but then I wonder, am I truly a spiritually driven person. No, not really. I curse, drink, talk about more than abstinence even though I practice it, but I don't have biblical reasons, more logical reasons.

I'm 'abstinent' because I've had no real reason to not be. No boyfriend and I'm not going to get laid just because everyone else it. I am so reverse peer-pressure sometimes it's ridiculous.

I like some alcohol, but at the same time i'm not trying to straight up kill my liver so. :shrug: I find profanity to just be words to express anger so they have no special meaning. At the same time, I'm not trying to teach my sister how to curse, so I don't curse around her.

As for me and religion. I don't like to argue the topic with people and then I wonder how often I seek God for things and I really don't. I don't know if I exactly believe in a God, but I do accept that there is something greater than humanity out there and that things happen for a reason. I can never guess as to what the reasons may be, but I figure there's something keeping me alive my keeping me out of certain situations. At the same time, I don't go to church and I pray when I think I should, like when I'm in trouble. I figured I'd go back to church on the regular once I was done with college, but at the same time I don't know why I'd be going. Because I wanted to be in church, or because I would feel like it's what others would be wanting for me.

If I think about it, I really don't know how I feel about my interaction with religion. I don't have much conviction for things I do nor why. Why I help others without thinking about it. Why I don't help others. I just accept my first reaction for life and try not to question my motives, but at the same time I do wonder 'why' and I wonder if I'm doing the right things in my life. I try to just life and be a god person by my own moral standards, but then when do I need religion to judge me.

Religion condemns the profane, the charlatan, the scientist. I accept each for the fact they are people first. I may disagree with them, but I let others keep their own opinions because I figure they're just as entitled to their own beliefs and opinions as I am of my own.

I guess I might have just been trying to get to the conclusion that I think there's something out there, greater than humanity so I don't need other people to sell me that idea, or try to prove it to me. I just need people to accept me for me and try not to label my motives.

Or I needed to try to figure out how religion fits into my life and still have no answers.

And a commented response to continue:

Christian values were instilled in me, but it was still my mom took me to church more so than i went to church. I'm also not that pressed. I can open a bible and interpret it myself if i need guidance, or I go to different people seeking advice and figure out which makes the most sense.

I know and accept I do biblically wrong things, but I'm also only trying to make the best of it with what I have, and I figure that's the best any person can strive for.

But that's also following the belief that there's a heaven. The scientist in me desires proof, so I figure I try not to be too bad of a person for general purposes [gp] and it keeps me happier. I still don't know exactly what I was looking for with this rant.

Jasmine P.

Two Girls and a Guy response

I picked up this movie Two Girls and a Guy for two reasons. First, it stars the ever sexy Robert Downey Jr. Second, it was controversial and was originally given an NC-17 rating because of an extended rim job. But The movie on a whole is an intense look at love, life, and honesty. It talks about the power of words and just how much people truth those they love or think they love. It shows how intense emotions can be. It's an amazing look at like in general, but especially at relationships.

These people were honest in their feelings, even as they lied to each other. There is a lot of emotion and a lot of things felt as they spend this day and night fighting.

What's amazing in the movie is the use of silences and expressions. Few movies focus on the range of human expressiveness, but few actors are strong enough to be able to pull off working in silence. The monologues are great and the character's delivery makes it seem like these aren't lines, but it's how they really felt. Each actor really threw themselves into their part and gave it their all. It's a powerful movie. So much strength even when the characters break down and their lives fall apart, over all they are all still amazingly strong and in control. It's fucking awesome. This movie draws you in, you have to see where it takes you and it's one amazing, entertaining and soul searching ride. It makes you wonder how much you believe your own lies.

Jasmine P.

The Notion of 'Bad' Movies

I don't think that there are any really 'bad' movies. First and foremost a movie is meant to entertain and most do. Even boring movies have their merit, they an be excellent for getting people to go to sleep. I'm tired of seeing people harshly criticize every last detail in movies thinking that every movie needs to be the next Citizen Kane [which I've heard is boring as all hell, even if it's one of the greatest movies of all time].

I just saw Shoot 'Em Up and the perfect comment's title is 'gun porn' because that's all the movie was. It glorified guns and violence in a very cartoony fashion. It was Kill Bill: 1 with guns, seriously. People gave the movie harsh criticism because there was naught much other than shooting going on in the move. But look at the fucking title. It says what's going to happen right there, fucking shooting! I resented the fact that the author of the excellently titled critique said his friend's review was to be 'expected' because the friend was female. I quite enjoyed the movie, but wasn't looking for anything other than a violence fest.

But to where I started, I've spent my summer watching a lot of movies and I've found something to like in each of them. I've either liked and actor, their performance, the story, the cleverness of the script or other. I don't understand why people can be so closed minded about movies. Before this summer I wouldn't have called myself a movie fanatic, but after watching 50+ movies over the summer [hell, I've got one on atm for BG noise] But what I'm saying is, there's something good in every movie something to like so why are people so harsh. You can tell when you look at the movie when walking up to see it the type of movie it's going to be. If you're not going to like it, why see it?

Not every movie out there is supposed to have a message. Not every movie is supposed to have a life lesson. Movies still have the merit to be pure entertainment and that's what Shoot 'Em Up was meant to be. Why can't people go to a movie and just enjoy the wild ride they're sent on, I mean really. Even movies that are poorly made have the merit of being camp and kitch. They're fun because of how bad they are. I like most every movie I've seen and never really call things bad. But I'm also artistic, so I guess I feel bad in calling someone's artistic attempt to be inherently 'bad'.

Hmm, well, my point is not every movie is supposed to hit the same point. Some are pure entertainment and love stories to some random item. It's like a romance story, no real sustenance, and you can usually predict what's going to happen, who's going to get together, but they're still entertaining...sometimes, in what happens to force the couple apart. Some movies have a moral to the story, and others have subtle messages. People need to learn to rate movies on their own personal merits and not just the genre's they fit in. I guess that's what the cult following is for, but people who understand what was being accomplished. I can't expect the many to accept the amazing of the few.

I've kind of lost my point, but that's not new in these.

Jasmine P.

What Do You Believe In?

I've seen Dark Knight twice, which is adequate to give it a proper review and I have a lot of opinions about the movie and Gotham U. to think on and respond to.

Part the First: Joker.

When I say 'Joker' I don't just mean Heath Ledger, but also Jack Nicholson, The Joker from the books, every series and entity of Batman ever and will be.

Quite understandably and considered by many people, but I agree with the opinion that the Joker is the greatest Batman villain of all times. Batman has such contempt for the Joker, and the joker goes to such great lengths that no one understands that makes him the greatest villain in my opinion. As described my Christopher Nolan, The Joker has no creation story. He's just a Freak that shows up in Gotham one day and runs amok. I think that part of the reason that The Joker is the greatest villain is the fact that he doesn't make sense. He has no motive that Batman can figure out or find. The others in his rogue's gallery have a reason for their vendetta against Gotham. Joker's motivation seems to be that Batman exists at all. I think that's an important aspect of the character that writers need to keep in mind when writing for him. When writing him in general. The best Jokers are the ones who don't have a plan. The one's who confuse Batman to no end. The ones who make you want him to win instead of Batman.

Part the second: Batman's Rogue's Gallery

I think that Batman has always had one of the classiest of Rogue's Galleries out there. This has to do with what Gotham is and when Gotham takes place. Not the stories, but Gotham itself. No matter when, integral parts of Batman cannot leave the 40s when Kane and everyone else created the characters. Gotham is a character in the story and in the Universe. It's a character that encompasses everything else. But as for the villains, some of the villains that give Batman the greatest challenge are the classiest dressed. Not quite the best, but the classiest. The Joker, The Penguin, Two-Face, Solomon Grundy, and The Riddler to name a few. If the Batman U wasn't next to time the way it is people wouldn't accept the villains staying so dressed up. Many of the other big comic book series out there have everyone in spandex or native clothing to their homeland, or something out there. Batman has some of the most down to earth dressed characters, with some of the most whacked out personalities.

In my opinion, his Gallery is one of the most impressive because they're all brilliant. They can't be stupid in what they do. They know their risks, they throw caution to the wind. The know their chance of survival, partially due to Batman's no killing stance. They know he'll never kill them, but they also know he'll beat them to a bloody pulp. They're also brilliant in how they monopolize the lives of so many and in how they systematically harm them. Some of the greatest were listed above, but some of my favorites are Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn and Catwoman. Catwoman is the greatest female villain because she is so wrapped up in Batman and he in her that they can't resit one another, costumed or not.

I think my favorite aspect of the Batman U is that everyone is a human. They're marred humans, but humans none the less. They don't have super powers, they have abnormalities created by science and the real world that make it ever more acceptable.

Par the Third: Short Comings

Yes, I do love and adore the newest Batman, but there is something missing. There's a feeling, a tast of something missing from the movie. There are also a few too many threads in the movie. They could have introduced Dent without Lau. I think Dent in court as the DA for the mob would have been fine without adding in Lau. He was a bit of an unnecessary complication in my opinion.

There were also a few strings in the over all story that could have been cleared up a bit better.
They could have displayed Gordon's family interaction a bit more than just after his return home and saving them. Lau's presence.

Things would have been just as entertaining and simple if there was just Batman, Joker, Harvey, the mob and the socital stance on Batman which is always important to the series. But I still love the movie. It can't be compared to Iron Man because though both movies were about superheroes, they were on two different aspects of heroism, their motivation is entirely different, their execution of being a hero and the over all feeling of both films were different. Iron Man overall was a lot more light hearted than Batman was. That's just how both movies are. I love them both for different reasons.

Last thing: Joker in drag, favorite part ever! Well, the Joker in general. Fave villain after Catwoman. Well, not quite after, but next to. They're awesome for their own reasons and the two of them are upfront in my mind, but everything the Joker was in the movie was amazing. The greatest tragedy of Ledger playing the Joker is that the Joker is such a force in the Gotham underworld that it can't be right without him and whoever puts on the white face paint next won't be right. IT won't work out as well in this entity of Batman. The joker damn near shouldn't be used again until the next endeavor because of what he is to Gotham. Such a power that can't be controlled and can't be the same.

Jasmine P.

Guides, Saints and Friends

July 3^rd, 2008 -10.15 pm – 10.50pm

I just finished watching ‘A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints’ I’ll call it ‘Guide’. Spoilers, be wary

I have many things to say, so many thoughts running rampant through my head. No rhyme or reason. My response to the movie, to life at the moment, to where I am in what I’m doing with my life.

I haven’t cried when watching a movie since I saw ‘Finding Neverland’ last summer when I realized that the mother died. Before that, I don’t know. I cried today when Mike, Mik, died. I loved him. His accent, his personality, the fact that he was a clean, upright personality in the hello that Dito had to live with. Mik was something positive. Mike was something kind and new. Mik wanted to stop the violence and get Dito out. They had to get away rom the insanity before things got to deep, but before they could. Before they could get out of New York Mik was shot down. He died a senseless death. His death, the only good thing Dito had in his life was gone. Mik was a future, a positive future. That had to have been hard to write and harder to film.

Loss. Loss of what’s good in one’s life is quite devastating. I think about my loss. The magnum opus of loss in my short 19.5 years of life, 19.6, I don’t know, don’t care. Last year everything changed. I changed in an instant. I say I have no regrets. That used to be true. My one regret from everything I done is how I interacted with my mother. If I could go back, knowing what I know, I’d try to lie less. I’m a terrible liar anyway, I don’t know why people believe me. I mean, I can be brutally honest, tactfully honest unless I’m going to get hurt, then It’s everyman for himself and I lie terribly.

My regret is that she’s dead. She’ll never get to see me as an adult. She won’t be able to see me as what I’ll become. She only knew me as the fuck up I was, the fuck up I am. I keep saying I’m brilliant, but if I’m so smart, why don’t I pass my classes? If I’m so smart, why don’t I go after what I know will help everything. I regret that she won’t be able to see me in 15 years, she won’t be able to see my great ‘return’ afte I’ve made something of myself.

In Guide, Dito left New York after Mik died and didn’t return for 15-20 years. In California Dito made himself into something better that what he had at home. I left everything to save himself. They never left him. His friends, with all their faults and issues, they were his saints. The point of the movie. But what’s important about this is that when he came back, his father was able to se how he grew up. His father and mother saw how he grew and changed. My mom will never be able to see this. For a normal person, they’d turn their attentions to their other parent, but I don’t care about my father. I’ll mourn whenever he dies, but where I am right now, I don’t care about him.

It’s cold. It’s the truth. He’s one of the few, one of the many who doesn’t know this. I don’t care. He doesn’t care about me, why should I care about him? I can’t change because he’ll never live up to even the most minimalistic expectations. All I want, all I want ot expect is to be truly cared about. That’s what I want. That’s something I’ll never have every again. Well, not for a while. I know my first boyfriend will care, but it’s won’t be the same. I want my mother. She’ll never see how strong I’ve become. She was the most important person in my life for 18.5 years and she still is. Her memory, everything. I miss her, I need to settle things. So much is buried. I need someone with the shovel to dig it out. I need someone to get in here with me and help me back out. Not a shrink, something more visceral, a true connection to fix everything.

On the flip side of my mom not seeing what I’ll become is that fact that everything changed last year. If she were still alive I’d be a very different person. I’d grow to be some sort of adult that wouldn’t be what I’ll turn into. I pray that what I end up as though, is something she’d be proud of. Be it a botanist, or be it a comic artist.

~~~

Today started out as a good day. I was up at 7.17, too used to working for going to the USBG, but that’s alright. I woke, read, fucked around on the internet. Whatever. Went to the store then hung out with Alex for a while. Good times, most of which were caught on tape.

I truly don’t know if there’s anyone I trust more on this earth. The most trustworthy, the best friend ever. More than a friend. I said this before, I wouldn’t be the same without him. I can’t think of not knowing him anymore. Ridiculous for someone I met only 2.5 years ago. First day of junior year, a blonde head sitting a few rows back in 11^th grade English. Beauchmin’s class, then a blond head witting in the back of Warstler’s history class. That’s when it all really began, in History of the Americas, IB History 1.

I think about the people I know at school. The two most important, Glenn and Elizabeth. I regret my mom not knowing what I’ll end up as a result of my knowing these people. All my regrets are her not seeing what I’ll become in the future. I have plans, I have dreams and I have a path to follow and I don’t know where it leads, but I –

I think about the video Alex and I made today, mostly playing with the camera more than anything serious. Some great things were said, some great things happened. Things you have to be there for. I think about the future and looking back at out stupid actions. I think about the fact that a year ago I wouldn’t have done half of what I did in that video, half of what I do on a normal daily basis right now. Random touches, random hugs, relying on someone else. ‘My life revolves around Alex’ he said what amounted to that. Scarily enough, that has a shred of seriousness even if said in jest.

God grant me the strength to accept the things I can’t change. –RDJ ‘Broken’

I trust other people on the spot, but this is more than trust. A sort of reliance. But, there is the fact that nothing more is possible for the two of us. A sexual relationship wouldn’t solve anything, it wouldn’t’ break anything, but it wouldn’t solve anything.

A year ago I would not randomly hug people. A year ago I would not let my self get to close. I’m more vulnerable in some ways, more closed off in others. I have things that need to be taken care of, things that will be taken care of.

It’s been a while, I can’t quite remember everything that sparked this, but there is more. Somewhere.

Guide was interesting. It spoke volumes. Dramas always make me internalize, they make me look at what I’m doing. They make me question life and what I’ve done, what I will do.

There’s more to this, to be written some other time. I’ve lost it. It won’t be back for a while. Maybe I’ll be less morose then, or maybe I need to be morose for it to feel real.

Jasmine P.

Flintstone Syndrome

I'm sure Holllywerid has some other name for this, but that is a common enough reference point for what I'm brining up this morning [it being 1.22 am as of starting this]

What I'm talking about is how the hell do fat bastards like Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, to name a few, end up marrying intelligent enough and attractive enough women suck as Marge, Lois, Wilma and Betty? Those women are frigging MILFs and you know it. They still have figures and brains after getting married and after three kids in some cases they shouldn't sitll have.

But my point is what the fuck is Hollyweird, Hanna-Barberra, Fox etc, saying about women? Everybody knows they want somebody attractive, and I understand there are more than one sort of attractive, but some of these are real long shorts. My inspiration and true complaint comes from an article on Yahoo news about unlikely couples in these summer movies and older movies.
http://movies.yahoo.com/summer-movies/The-Love-Guru/1809932977/photos/370/9621/#info

What I'm saying is, yes, I want a fun guy who's great to hang out with and blahddy-blahddy-blah, but why can't he be attractive? What is this saying about the choices women in movie land have with picking someone to marry. These guys are jobless losers who get into serious relationships or even marriage with a brillient bombshell of a woman who chances are probably wouldn't all look at these guys.

I'm not trying ot shoot down the Average Joes of the world, I'm just asking Hollywood to make a realistic movie whee the leading lady and the leading man are of some sort of equal status of wealth and intelligence. I know not every ugly person is married to another ugly person and that not every stupid person is married to another stupid person, but give me a bit of reality every now and again.

My argument goes both ways for ugly women getting with gorgeous men, but I can't think of that one happening too often. What I'm also tired of is seeing every 50+ actor marrying/fucking ever 22 year old actress [and vice versa]. If two characters have an age difference, keep the actors in line with that too because sometimes it gets weird to listen to commentary and hear that some actress or actor grew up watching somebody they admired as a kid and now they're in a sexual relationship with "them" due to the parts they play.

I'm not saying there aren't actors old enough to be my father that I don't think are attractive [there are plenty of them.] but that doesn't mean that if I ever get eh chance ot meet them that I'd want to fuck them, or act like I was. Part of what makes them alluring is their age and their talent. Yes, I think they're attractive, but no, I'd never want to date them for many reasons other than the fact that they're fucking old enough to be my parent. There are also actors around my age whom I find attractive, but at this moment they don't have the presence that age and skill births. In twenty years when I'm married they'll possibly inhabit the same qualities I find attractive about actors of the same age right now, but that's an issue for the future.

May looping arguement says this. Match characters realistically and hapilly with characters from their social ranks. If you're going to have a lovable loser, match them with some sort of bohemian. Have the girl next door grow up to be a bombshell of a woman who marries someone who is just as pretty and intelligent as she is, have them be happy.

I'm not saying don't stir the waters every now and again, but staying within the realms of reality every now and again also help the self esteem of regular people and their dream of finding a realistic love and not just a fantasy. Those of you reading this know me well enough to know that I love and live outside of this reality and have no issue with accepting things that aren't 'normal' but I also appreciate the reality in a situation, the possibility that It's not all that long of a shot for something to happen.

Oh yeah, the initial point of this is what are these movies saying about a woman's ability to choose a successful mate? I understand people want to all live in a fairytale happy ending with someone who's fun and women want ti be in charge of the relationship, but sometimes they need someone who has more then they do to lean on.

Other notable movies and tv shows that showcase the Flintstone Syndrome as far as I can remember are: The Honeymooners, Love & Sex, As Good As It Gets, Something New, etc. There are a million others out there, but I can't list half of 'em. Too tired, too late. But think about it: in many romantic comedies the brilliant/rich lead falls in love with a lovable/poor loser. It doesn't always happen like that, so why in Hollyfake? I know movies are a serious source of escapism from the realities of life but why everyone? [i have my own arguments for others medias that showcase this habit or similar habits, but that's for another note/journal of it's own]

[1.52am]

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.