Conteplating my mother

This was initially a response to a comment about needing to be Christian to understand the Bible, and my disagreement with that idea.  I ended up drifting to thoughts about my mother instead.

"I decided religion stopped making sense for me when I was about 12, but I kept trying. When my mother died when I was 18, she was "taken home" or "God needed her" or whatever platitudes people tried to give me, they never worked. I decided that her death was for the best because her last 3 months sucked. She was in pain and stuck in a hospital. She loved more things than I can and I aspire to be someone she would be proud of, even if I don't have her religious conviction. She wasn't crazy devout, but she would actively go to church just about every Sunday. She also went out to clubs on Fridays or Saturdays, and gambled. She helped those who were less fortunate than we, and she prayed. She also cursed like a sailor. She was human.

Sorry, I'm dealing with mourning, she died on April 28th, I try to get through April every year and it kicks my ass. Upside, I did smile while thinking about my mom and sharing this. She was a good person and literally gave a homeless woman the coat off her back one day because the woman needed it and my mom had plenty of coats. Sh was good to people and children, I think that even without God she would have been that person. She had her dark streaks, but who doesn't. For me, God 'needing' my mom was bullshit, I didn't consider myself to be an 18 year old who didn't need her mom. She was never abusive and the things that I was mad at her about were not worth her dying. I made it through her funeral and the time after with science as my explanation and not religion which gave me shitty answers."

Jasmine P.

Some Thoughts on Sex, Religion and Other

I don't know if I'll ever get laid, I say this because of the hidridenitis I have around my vagina. It sucks enough sitting or bull shit, but the idea of anything other than my hand near it is kind of horrifying, all I can imagine is the pain. Not the good type of sexual pain that turns into pleasure, the horrible type of contact pain that happens when anything touches sore, irritated skin. It's a very depressing thought. When I first contemplated having sex with this shit and the fact that no sane man would ever want to go anywhere near it I actually wanted to kill myself. The idea lasted no longer than one, two days, then I realized I was being stupid. I no longer wish to die because I don't think I'll ever get laid, it just depresses me. I now wonder if I'll end up trying to push away any relationship that could happened because the proverbial 'happy ending' might not occur. That's a thought that's more difficult for me to shove away because I know that if I saw what I had on someone else I wouldn't want to touch it. It looks gross and it hurts like mofo. Everything makes it hurt. Movement of fabric over them, soap and water, stretching; hell, sometimes breathing hurts or even my blood moving underneath my skin causes sharp unpleasant pain. But I digress, I'll get back to my thoughts on sex, and my sexuality.

Sometimes I fear I won't get anybody because of how I act an dress. I am female, but I have said things and I think things that are not generally considered to be especially feminine. Those things make me worried that I won't be loved by someone. I know there are people out there that like people like me, but that's much harder to believe when none of them have approached me. I also wonder if because of how I dress that people think I'm a lesbian. I like men, I have no problem with ladies who like ladies, hell, I'm all for it. The only time not is when they're interested in me. I have said I'd like a compliment from anyone, male or female, but I think I'd be taken aback if too many women started coming onto me. I know I don't carry myself especially femininely, but it's another ball park if someone thought I liked women.

As I said before I'm all about whatever makes someone happy, but I guess a minor exception would be a female who was interested in me. I'd be nice about letting them down, but I doubt that will ever happen. As for men who like men, women who like women, or both who like both, party on! Do what and who [as long as it's not rape, incest or pedophilia] makes you happy. I have nothing wrong with homosexuality. I don't understand why other people have such an issue with people who like something they're against. I read an article, or heard a story somewhere where someone was gay and they asked a protester or someone who was against homosexuality why they cared so much. The response was along the lines of they were upset that they were going to hell.

Now, I care about people, I care a lot about the people around me, but I can't care to that extent about someone I don't know. I'm not religious, I'm Agnostic and/or Deist - something started it and isn't involved. I don't believe in heaven or hell. I believe that when you die, you're gone, just like when you're born you appear. It's not like your soul or spirit existed, got trapped in a body and is now free, it's there, then when you die, it's gone. What's the point of an afterlife? Why live a life, hellish or awesome, just to be shoved into another life that is a consequence of your first life. That doesn't make much sense. I don't believe if you're homosexual you go to hell, I don't believe that if you're heterosexual you go to heaven. I believe in what goes on on earth, if you're a good person life is alright, if you're a bad person life is less alright because you're possibly in prison or on the lam. Then when you die, you're gone. Said and done.

Back to the ideas of sex, I'd rather no know my friend's sexual proclivities. It's one thing to know if they've had sex, it's another thing to know any details. My life is going quite well without whatever details there may be. When I think to much about it, which is at all, my active imagination starts to picture things my life would have been fine without my thinking of. I mean, it's one thing to help and give advice. Actually, with my mind that's pretty bad, but it's another thing to hear about it. What he/she was like, how it started. I don't need to know. I'll wave a flag and cheer, but thinking much more than that is weird for me. I'll cheer for an promote safe sex and not using an abortion to 'fix' things, but after that I'm fine with not knowing. This goes for both genders.

I've noticed I really don't care about hearing people objectify either gender I'll just start tuning it out. Hearing all that much more is another thing. Talking about sex in general is fine, but putting a name, face, body to the situation is a lot weirder. I'm fine with knowing my friends quite well, but when my mind starts setting up a scene for them to go at it I need to stop, I need something else to think about.

I really don't know where this was supposed to go, this is a thought that I started some time ago. I figure I'll address it again at some point, but here's some type of starter. It's quite jumbled and nothing is really complete, but I feel it was good for me to give it a go and get some of thoughts down.


Jasmine P.

Some Thoughts on Religion

This past Thursday I kind of attempted to explain my thoughts on religion to a Christian friend of mine. It was difficult because I didn't want to sounds disrespectful of religion but at the same time I was attempting to explain, sort of, why I don't really prescribe to any "religion".

I was raised primarily attending a Protestant church, Heritage Fellowship United Church of Christ. With my father I'd attend a Catholic church, and when we visited my Grandmother if we went to church it was to Moravian church. I was an usher for my church, I participated in Sunday School and went to Bible Camp in the summer. I was an active enough member and helped with some outreach programs that were both religious and not religiously motivated.

I was raised Christian.

Since my mother died I stopped going to church, mostly because she was the one taking me. Church was also getting annoying because I was really getting tired of people's sympathy, there was more to my short life of 18 years than my mother's death. I didn't want to hear condolences. I tell people my mom 'died' because outside of that and saying she is 'deceased' it sounds like you're trying to soften the blow. The moment she died, I grew up. In some way. In many ways I was still a child, but as far as the death of someone close to me, I had handled it. I didn't need to go to God to find answers because science had provided them. A random mutation gave her lymphoma. Chemotherapy and medication ruined her body, she was dead. She's not 'lost', hasn't 'passed on', she's not 'gone' or whatever 'kind' words people use. She was dead, I accepted it and I don't like other people bringing it up. It's one thing if I were to initiate the conversation, it's another when I'd hear every time they saw me 'how are you doing?' or 'is everything okay?' I was tired of the compassion, I had things to do such as graduating and getting onto college. I mourned in my own way which involved dwelling, writing and drawing. A deity had nothing to do with it. I didn't pray, I meditated and decided it was better with her dead. She wasn't in pain, and I'd rather her be dead and a memory then a constant depressing reminder of just how fucked up death can be. Daily visits to a hospital to sit next to the body of my mother who was barely able to do more than listen was not fun. It was fucking depressing. My senior year of high school got fucked over. Things were different, difficult and easier with her dead. I can see no reason why she would have to die, but shit happens and you move on.

I can almost guarantee I'd be more fucked up and depressed if I tried to pin her death on God.

A few years later and more sciences classes that gave me more answers about the world in general than the Bible had, I decided I was Agnostic. The way I understood it, there was some sort of deity out there, maybe God, maybe gods, maybe something else. Some time later I heard of Deism, and how I understand it, some deity started everything then fucked off. I believe in science, I believe in what's tangible.

Tangible (adj); capable of being perceived especially by the sense of touch; : capable of being precisely identified or realized by the mind; capable of being appraised at an actual or approximate value.

As a kid I understood the word 'tangible' to mean something that could be seen or felt. You can't see wind but you can feel it. You can rationalize it, it affects things. Think carefully, you can't see glass or water when either is without imperfections. You see light reflected off of it, you can feel either. I understand God to be intangible. Things happen because God deems it necessary. It's blasphemous to question God. Why? The world I prefer is one where questioning things isn't just allowed, but encouraged.

With everything I have said I have yet to address my opinion of other people and their following of religion. I say 'believe what you want to'. As long as someone isn't attempting to force me to follow their beliefs, I don't care what they believe. I may think their beliefs sound a little stupid, or impractical; I may feel negatively about them, but as long as they don't try to force it on my, whatever floats their boat and finds their lost remote. If it makes you happy, so be it. If I seem happy or unhappy let me work it out myself. Don't tell me that some deity that I can't see nor truly speak to will give me the answers I desire. I can come to my own conclusion well enough.

---

In thinking about religion I have thought about what it answers and contemplated why it exists. I think that as humanoid and humanity developed and evolved they questioned the world around them. Unable to understand it they decided that there was something they couldn't see and gave it various attributes. By saying that an all powerful being, or a group of all powerful beings controlled things, early humans felt more at ease with the world deciding they knew something. In our modern society there I think some people feel at ease having an answer to life, or having a guidance for life. I think that some people like believing that there's more to life than eating, sleeping and procreation.

I have decided on my own rules. My rules for life are to over all be a good person. Don't impede others, don't let them impede you. And accomplish something. In general, accomplish something positive. Why do I think this way, I dunno. Maybe it's some residual from when I went to church. My difference is there isn't any consequence for not being a good person. When you die, you're dead. I like the afterlife shown in the movie and book What Dreams May Come. It cheered me up after my mom died because people could look how they wanted, they could be reincarnated they chose and it was like life-plus. There was no point, everything just was and people were comfortable with it. I live working towards what I want to do with my life and I'm happy this way. I'm not trying to please some deity I can't directly interact with, and I don't care to try to dispel someone else's beliefs. To adapt one of my favorite quotes "I disagree with what you believe, but I defend your right to the death to believe it." I may not care to listen or to debate, but keep on trucking.

Jasmine P.

Me and Religion

This was written around midnight, so ten hours ago.

After looking at my friend's note and some of the comments, most of us commentators decided to avoided his God issue. That made me think about my relationship with religion.

I say I believe in the bible and God and am Christian. It's how I was raised and it's something I decided to accept and not question. It's something I still don't really question and I have my stances on aspects of religion and my relationship with it, but then I wonder, am I truly a spiritually driven person. No, not really. I curse, drink, talk about more than abstinence even though I practice it, but I don't have biblical reasons, more logical reasons.

I'm 'abstinent' because I've had no real reason to not be. No boyfriend and I'm not going to get laid just because everyone else it. I am so reverse peer-pressure sometimes it's ridiculous.

I like some alcohol, but at the same time i'm not trying to straight up kill my liver so. :shrug: I find profanity to just be words to express anger so they have no special meaning. At the same time, I'm not trying to teach my sister how to curse, so I don't curse around her.

As for me and religion. I don't like to argue the topic with people and then I wonder how often I seek God for things and I really don't. I don't know if I exactly believe in a God, but I do accept that there is something greater than humanity out there and that things happen for a reason. I can never guess as to what the reasons may be, but I figure there's something keeping me alive my keeping me out of certain situations. At the same time, I don't go to church and I pray when I think I should, like when I'm in trouble. I figured I'd go back to church on the regular once I was done with college, but at the same time I don't know why I'd be going. Because I wanted to be in church, or because I would feel like it's what others would be wanting for me.

If I think about it, I really don't know how I feel about my interaction with religion. I don't have much conviction for things I do nor why. Why I help others without thinking about it. Why I don't help others. I just accept my first reaction for life and try not to question my motives, but at the same time I do wonder 'why' and I wonder if I'm doing the right things in my life. I try to just life and be a god person by my own moral standards, but then when do I need religion to judge me.

Religion condemns the profane, the charlatan, the scientist. I accept each for the fact they are people first. I may disagree with them, but I let others keep their own opinions because I figure they're just as entitled to their own beliefs and opinions as I am of my own.

I guess I might have just been trying to get to the conclusion that I think there's something out there, greater than humanity so I don't need other people to sell me that idea, or try to prove it to me. I just need people to accept me for me and try not to label my motives.

Or I needed to try to figure out how religion fits into my life and still have no answers.

And a commented response to continue:

Christian values were instilled in me, but it was still my mom took me to church more so than i went to church. I'm also not that pressed. I can open a bible and interpret it myself if i need guidance, or I go to different people seeking advice and figure out which makes the most sense.

I know and accept I do biblically wrong things, but I'm also only trying to make the best of it with what I have, and I figure that's the best any person can strive for.

But that's also following the belief that there's a heaven. The scientist in me desires proof, so I figure I try not to be too bad of a person for general purposes [gp] and it keeps me happier. I still don't know exactly what I was looking for with this rant.

Jasmine P.