Aggressively Passive-Aggressive

Going with me being so estoeric is I am aggressively passive-aggressive. I swear, I'd own this if it was a competition. My passive-aggressive tenancies include and are not limited to: telling other people to invite me out when they can, being esoteric, acting disconnected so other people will ask me what's wrong and I can get attention, craving attention and validation by showing off but acting like I'm not stealing the limelight, asking if other people support my ideas before I follow through, maintaining a blog where I whine about things every time I get a little depressed and sharing it on twitter.

I'm so passive-aggressive that I forget I am until after I've acted like a right twat. It's getting to be incredibly irritating. I think I know what I want in life, but I'm so afraid of rejection that I don't want to take any initiative, but I want to appear open for what I want to accept me.

Passive-aggressive is really weird power play. I act submissive or passive so I can then decide weather or not to accept someone or something that I already do. I am such an asshole.

Jasmine P.

Esoterically Me

I am esoteric. I rely on other people without blatantly telling them that I rely on them. I use my friends to validate me to such an extent that when I'm alone I decide I'm worthless and want other people to tell me what to do, how to act or even just tell me to do something I already want to do. Like, right now, I'm friggin' giddy over this dude. I spend too much time contemplating what he thinks about me, what I'm wearing or things I like or say. I have elaborate fantasies of us just hanging out or him actually asking me out and it both cheers m up an depresses me. I feel like I'm loved but then I think about who I am and how I act and decide there's no way he'd like me and I'm back to where I started again. Sometimes I make elaborate plans to boldly say what I feel but it never works out. I'm either too distracted in the moment (too giddy, too eager, too nervous) or I'm finally calm again and I'm confused as to how I feel. I'm going insane. The person I actively turn to tells me to just go for it, but then I'm too afraid, or I don't know the next time I'll see this guy.

I'm esoterically me because I post song lyric for unrequited-love songs as my status on facebook hoping he gets the message. I say we should do something together, effectively saying we should go out or I go out on a limb and directly ask him out. I'm tired of being so stressed out, I want to forget about romance and infatuation and just focus on being stressed about school and classes and getting my life together.

I want a cheat code to get to the end. I want to peek at the last page of the book to see how it all ends, I'm tired of turning the pages one by one and feeling like I progress no further into the story then I was when I woke up this morning. I at least want to say something before my journal comic gets online. There's flirting  something like...6 or 12 days in, love sick whining for the next two months then meager interaction for the last few weeks with an increase in pining and being a whiny bitch. 

I'm tired of being so esoterically me.
Jasmine P.

Fuck, this whole rant is esoteric.

Joyus Fucking Sweet Hell!!!

Joyus Fucking Sweet Hell!!!

I'm PMSing, I'm depressed. I'm losing it. I'm also getting sleepy as hell.

The cigar was earlier was nice. Not one of the nicest made, Alex's was smoother, but I still liked it. A nice, spicy, smoky kick sort of thing. Alex says cigars are stimulants, and I guess I was buzzing a bit earlier, but KI've totally crashed now. It's pleasant periodically. My second ever. There be photos on facebook now, and that was mostly because 'I have my camera and I'm not just sitting around my living room anymore.

Alright, now that the happiness is past, I'm losing it and the person I want to talk to keeps not answering their phone. MY stress levels are incredible high right now and they're rising with every passing day. I'm trying not to lose it, but I can't help it. Erratic sleeping habits, poor diet and stress are not helping my stress issues at all. Raging hormones and being angry at my father are not helping anything. I'd love to chat with a friend, I need someone who can advise me. I need a hung. I'm getting whiny and depressed. I'm damn near prepared to pull my hair out. I also happen to quite like my hair where it is, on my fucking head, attached!

I'm annoyed, I'm unhappy, and I'd really like to get a fucking hug from someone who cares. Someone who isn't my brother. This is sad, I'm quite a pathetic basket case right now. Tomorrow I might need to stay in my room all day. I need to fucking get a hold of myself. I need to figure out when I'm terrible on my own. Damn being alone right now. Damn not being strong enough to keep myself together. I knew this was coming. I know what's going on and I don't have what I've had to help it. I want my usual means of help, but certain circumstances are keeping me from what I crave, need, desire. I use that triplet of necessity often.

Need. Crave. Desire.

Those three things that I can't do anything on my own to remedy. Why am I so weak now? Why can't I put all my concerns into words? Or is it that I won't? Well, I have, but that's been hand written and it's not worth transcribing.

I can't wait until this all passes. I'll feel better then, and I won't be on the verge of losing it every day.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.