Some things I've learned: 2010

I'm terrified of my future, what I want to become, what I need to do and how I'll accomplish it. I'm terrified because I know I can succeed.

The Rules of Irby* are applicable to pretty much all factions of my life.

I can accomplish more than I think I can, I just have to get to it and finish things

Life is perplexing

One good friend makes up for a shitting week, can help me forget all of my regrets and reminds me of what important in my life.

I will always strive to be someone my mother would have been proud of. I'm sure she'd be bragging about things I do now, but I'm not there yet.

I dream big. It's daunting, terrifying, I will survive

More people care about me than I think sometimes. I'm hard on myself because I'm not as great as the me I am in my head. I still have time to become that amazing.

True friends just accept, no questions asked.

Music.

Adventure comes in many forms and may not be recognized until after the fact.

The people around me support me, even if they don't know me that well. They support me because of who I am, how I carry myself and the little things that I don't think are all that important. They notice the things I do that I ignore. They see the good I accomplish and can forgive that which is less good because my positive out weights my negative. I thank them because they have the potential to help when I can't help myself.

I will miss Norfolk when I leave.

I don't belong in Reston anymore. There is little left in Reston for me, not enough opportunities for me to grow into a better person. I need to stop returning and move on with my life if I'm really going to accomplish anything in this life.

My friends and family encourage me, but I need to keep in mind what I encourage myself to accomplish, starting with moving forward. Forward is opportunity, adventure and new friends. Back is stagnation, degradation and loathing.

I don't know what will happen on this road, I don't know where I'll stay or how long I'll be there, but I do know that the journey is the important part. I've started on this journey, I think officially in 2010, it's slow going with uncertain terrain before me. Many have walked similar paths, many will follow behind me. I need to figure this out for myself, find my way and accomplish something great, and I can.


* The Rules of Irby:

1. There are no rules! 
2. DON'T talk about Fight Club!
3.  BOOM! 
4. Own it! 
5. Learn the rules to break the rules 
6. If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough 
7.  ...and I'm okay with that 
8. Practice makes better 
9. You know how Irby is
10. Draw the damn cat! 

Jasmine P.

Networking and Opportunity Knocking

I have always considered myself to be someone who's not memorable and I think that I fly under the radar, but I've apparently made a mark on a few people. From being in my one class, Rhetoric of the Graphic Novel I have made three opportunities to not languish in obscurity. I have a foundation for making a name of myself and it's terrifying. I want to run away, but this is what I want for my life.

First opportunity is to get a comic going in a few university newspapers, I've been lazy about that, putting it behind my journal comic, which has not been the smartest thing, but I was afraid of success and how much time it would detract from my ideas.

My second opportunity is in general talking comic art and working with someone. Getting him started and being someone he can ask for help and advice and possible collaborate on something.

My third opportunity is the one that's really freaking me out, there's a dude in my class who's trying to start being a small press publisher, and I could use his publishing house to print my comics. It seems overwhelming to have so many opportunities all from one class.

I have an older opportunity to draw and sell an art book for a local business I frequent. All of these feed and support each other. I know college is where these things happen, it's just shocking to think of it happening to me. I need to really get serious about my comic work and progress and finish things. I have a million ideas and now I have so many opportunities to really get somewhere with it all that I'm freaking out.

An opportunity I instigated in my journal comic and drawing bands. I went to a concert this past weekend and sketched out the bands and performers, I'm planning on doing nice ink and wash images for the bands. This is a door I'm opening myself to get my art out there. I plan on sending scans of the images to a local paper to put them up online and to also gt my work out there. I'm planning on taking commissions and getting my work out there, if these bands like these little pieces, I'm imagining what it would be like to make much larger, much nicer pieces but as commissions and not just these little sketches.

I wonder how many successful people wanted to run away. I bet they were all equally terrified about where things were headed. The difference is they didn't run away, so I need to keep from running and accept and work toward what I imagine. I'm terrified of my imagination becoming a reality, I don't know if I'm ready for it yet. I have to have myself ready at some point and now is as good as ever. I started on this road and I don't want to diverge from it. This is what I need to prove to my family that my art work will get me somewhere. I start small, I start local and I will have to work to get what I imagine. I make myself into a local legend, a local name, then I take on the rest of the small press community one event, one book, one image at a time.

Jasmine P.

Complexity of an Art Degree

Every fucking time I have a friend or family tell me that art is an 'easy' degree I want to slap them in the face.  For many reading this it's preaching to the preacher but to continue trying to make it on my own or with a tiny group of friends is not easy. I'm not trying to work for a big company, I have my own stories and ideas that are bursting to be released. I'm like a zombie but instead of craving brains and entrails I crave time and paper because I always have ideas. I have ideas I think I can sell, I have ideas that I think people will buy and I have skill and talent, and it's hard. I always want to draw, but I'm always up for social engagements, take tonight for instance: I have my journal comic that I need to continue inking and preparing to upload. I have pages I need to go back to and refine and I need to rescan everything I've scanned/posted so far because days didn't have full shading, but I went to listen to Christian Lander speak instead. Dude was funny and it was a good evening, but I didn't work on my comic. I need it get off the ground so I can start selling my fiction and not just my reality.

What makes art so difficult is that even as I'm laying on my be typing this my fingers are itching to pick up a pencil and draw something, ink something create something anything and I have a million other things I need or want to be working on first. I have offers left and right to create things to sell, which I need to get going on before I forget for one thing, and I have other offers to get my name out there and be published once again in my college newspaper. I want to drop out of college so I can devote more time to comics, but I don't have the money for that. I want to take out a hypothetical loan on my future for now, I'm not going to because there are things I want to improve while I'm in this environment to find ways to make things better. I'm working at getting more of my work known and out places. And art degree is serious and difficult business because of the market. The work isn't especially 'hard' because you're selling what you can do, but it's harder then other jobs because every project is tailor made for whoever you're selling things to or creating things for. I'm taking everything I'm learning now, flipping it on it's head to make it all work for me.

In doing all this I talk big. People tell me I sound like I know what I'm doing. I don't, I'm fucking terrified. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to move home, that I'm going to fail and I'll just keep dreaming that I made it in comics and sequential art. I'm also terrified that I'll succeed, I'll make comics that people like, I'll have fans and people will want to buy every stupid thing I draw. I also fear staying in the middle, being known to a handful of people and selling some things, but spending most of my time in some horrible office job were people didn't know I spent my night and weekends creating comics and my life ever got better.

These ideas keep me from picking up a pen and being jealous of everyone who has made it. It also inspires me to grab hold of a pen even sooner so I can prove my worth and get my foot in the door. I want to be known, but I'm afraid of what I have to do to get to that point. That time comes every night where I have to buckle down and get things drawn, it's time for me to work on my journal comic, I've put off doing more than a few pieces of spot shading for a about a week and I need to be prepared to spend Monday scanning and prepping more pages. I can make it, I'm not so afraid and my work is good enough. People will want to buy my pieces and I won't be too afraid to sell them.

Jasmine P.

Change

To fill in the blanks from the beginning, if for nothing, my terrible memory. On Monday, I decided to ask this guy out. His response is 'maybe' then we talk about other things. We happen to not see each other until Wednesday night, when he agrees to try going out with me. I'm happy, but things between us don't seem any different, in any way shape or form. This is what happens upon question him. [originally a letter to Za]

Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.

I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.

Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.

I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.

I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.

In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.

I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.

Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.

-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.

Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.

Fucked Up Future Babies

I think that if television and movies and other forms of entertainment continue to follow the trends that the Baby-Boomers are leading us towards that our entertainment will start to retard and become infantile.

What I mean is that with the biggest movie and television companies they're omitting things that people do because they consider it to be marketing of negative habits or traits that children will hone in on and replicate. They're slowing getting rid of smoking in tv shows and in movies, so people don't smoke, but when you walk down the street, through and amusement park, a regular park, people are smoking. It's what they do. My mom smoked, that never really made me want to try smoking, and it's my lungs and decision. I understood it wasn't something one did until 18, and it fucks you up so why do it? The addiction. Okay, whatever, that's your M.O.

They're getting rid of things that people just do because they're pessimistic thinkers in how impressionable children are. If they're taught properly to do or not to do something they will or won't do it. If they watch things geared toward their age group, they're also less likely to bear witness to something 'harmful'.

I also think it's quite idiotic that that Disney is going to retroactively ruin so many of their movies be omitting cigarettes and smoking. That's an integral habit to that character, or the stereotype the character represents. The father, Darling I think his name was, from 101 Dalmatians smoked like a chimney the night the puppies were born, so they're removing his cigarettes. Cruella just plain smoked like a chimney and if I remember right the other characters reacted to her throwing ashes all around from her cigarettes and what not. I know they own the right and the property, but there is still artistic integrity to not change something so long after the fact. When the cartoon was made, it's what people did. People smoked. They gave away cigars when their babies were born. Or re-rating it by the MPAA. Why?

With the trend in making the world 'child safe' I don't see things boding well for mainstream entertainment. I think once they've gotten that nasty little smoking habit kicked from TV, and movies, they'll go after drinking if they're still in power. I think that with the degradation that seems to be going on will last for another 5-15 years until whatever our generation is. Y or whatever bull shit they decided to name us. I think that when those of us who were born to the liberal stoner parents or that generation, the 70s and 80s babies. We're in our 20s and 30s now and we look at the changes going on in TV and think it's a waste. There are signs of a culture. I'd rather not see the only smoking in movies in stoner flicks, they're not all bad, but what about a post coital fag every now and again. It's what people do!

I hope that when the babies of 80s/90s babies are born that the 70s/80s adults will be in control of the movie companies and such so that television will show realer people being real. People smoke, they drink, they fuck. I swear, they're going to also remove instances of pre-maraital sex from movies and such probable in an attempt to get kids to not have sex randomly. It happens, it's always happened and it will continue to happen. Where things are going, people want to protect their children from the world. You have to let them experience things, let them experience life and learn what really happens in life. I'd rather have a kid that knew too much than one that knew too little. Too little knowledge of the real world and there will be severe culture shock.

If I become a parent, my children will learn just how bloody history was. They will have the opportunity to see violent, perverse movies and television, I will find someway to get a DVD player once we move onto something more futuristic. I will explain just why on TV people sit in all white rooms and talk about the weather and not about the news. My kids will have the opportunity to experience the same things I have. I'll hold onto my books so my kids have the chance to read some hard hitting literature, some idiotic literature, some violent literature, intelligent everything I own. We're moving closer to a Fahrenheit 451 dystopic future that needs to be stopped.

When I say 'book' I mean paper. Fuck digital books. Maybe I'm just a bibliophile, or a romantic, but it's not the same to read digital print. There's something about the scent of ink on paper. There's something about actually seeing a different font in a book something that's sans serfs [aparently serfs are important for letter recognition] Hell, it's cozier to hold a book than a cold piece of hardware with a million books downloaded. It's nice to sit in a library and to have hundreds of books up on the walls.

All in all, this was written over the course of an hour , in between surfing the net. It's quite unusual I was able to maintain focus every time I came back, but it's equally unusual that I didn't just bust this out all in one go. But my point is if things keep going at the rate they're going and where they're going, the children of the future will end up being bigger pansies than we were as children, and don't fucking deny that you weren't a pansy. Look at the shit that kids had during the middle ages, or hell, even the early 20th century. So grim and gruesome, but they were fine. There was smoking and drinking everywhere and they were fine, so why not now and into the future. People say they do things for the children to protect them, but it's more for their twisted, idiotic lives. They don't want their kids to fear the things they feared so they don't want them to experience it, but that only makes things worse, delaying the inevitable. Let them grow up with it and they'll be fine. They'll be better adjusted to life outside America if they know of the violence and the harsh reality of reality.

Jasmine P.

Friends.

Friend. Friends. Friendships.

I keep saying to my college buddies that they should meet some of my high school buddies, and vice versa. Trust me, i wouldn't say something like that lightly. I value my friends a hell of a lot more than any of them realize so saying i want them to meet is a big deal in my mind. There are just people whom i think would work out well together, and other whom i think it'd be interesting if they met. Amusing even. this is also up there with the fact that I want to stay connected with everyone. It's not that much fun that any/all time we end up spending together back home is half trying to fill in people in funny things from the past semester. But the problem with living in the present with people you don't see for any time from one month to three is that we all grow and change. The jokes are old and the new jokes make no sense.

Only two people get and will laugh if I jut my bottom row of teeth out tuck my upper lip behind them. A hand full of people with get it if I say 'thuper arthistic' and having to designate all people with repeat names gets old sometimes, but every one i knew before college is still important to me because of how much i grew from hanging out with them. But the people from college are also important because there is another aspect of life to look at, different growth and more changes.

Part of what i'm saying is that I don't like living in the past for daydreaming about the future when i'll see people who aren't around every day. It's be cool if everyone knew one another, but I'm fine with that not being the case, but what i think i really want to change the most is how much interaction I still have with people who aren't right next to me.

I seriously don't want to lose my old friend connections due to the fact that we're all a few hours away from one another. There are reasons for my phone calls and for my not leaving a message. I hate answering machines and truly only leave messages if I think it's absolutely necessary. I'd rather get in contact with you than with your voice mail.

I don't know. I just want some sort of assurance that in ten years that when I think about people from now that it's not just in the past tense, but also in the present and future with what we'll be doing when we still hang out. I don't want a guarantee because broken promises are more painful and annoying to deal with, but even a compromise that we'll both try not to seriously lose touch with one another is good enough to please me.

i want to be 20 years, 30 years meet up with you and know we'll still be friends enough that the meetings won't be awkward. i want to be close enough still that when we talk about what we were, are like at 18, 19, 20 that we can all laugh and share the stupid secrets we can't say now. i want to be able to say, 'that's my friend on stage' then go back stage in the theater and see you. All of you, or say 'I was there when they filmed that' or something stupid.

I'm no so much afraid of not meeting new people, but I want to stay in contact with people from now so that in the future other friends I have may be able to meet some of you also and will be able to hear the stupid stories i won't tell them. There will have to be someone to tell my kids about the stupid things i did in college, from stay up for 72+ hours with another friend to late night peep-jousting and whatever the hell else I do in my future years here.

I want my college and high school friends to meet so they can then understand how I've changed and what they all mean to me. That's something I'll never be able to fully express nor explain, but I want people to meet so when i tell the stories there's something more than my photos of what happened to tell the stories, but also actually meeting ...

i don't know how to finish this. I've sort of lost my train of thought, but i think you all get the message. i don't want to lose you no matter how much time passes. We can change and whatever, but if we can still kick back, play some Wii and reminisce about when it came out and what we're like now that's cool.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Here is my reflection for the year. I don't give a fuck that there are 16 days left before the year is over, I'm in the right introspective mood, and I'm finally not bawling my friggin eyes out from being so depressed that i am out of control.

This year has been both the best and the fucking most god awful worst year of my life.

How this year has kicked ass. I graduated from high school this year. I got my driver's license, went to Otakon, and spent the majority of the summer hanging out with Alex and Nora. I left home and have finally been considered an adult in and of my own right. People older than me are not seeing me as 'Pat's Daughter' or 'Miguel and/or Dorien's Little Sister' or as 'Miguel's Daughter' [my father and brother are both named Miguel] I'm being seen as 'Jasmine, an intelligent young adult.' I live more or less under my own digression down at school. I'm in college! I met all my new college friends. I went out on a limb and tried something new, fencing.

What made this year the most suck of ever was my mother dying and not being able to see any of the above. What has also made this year full of suck was this years depression. It's been worse than before I think, but I've also had the means to better deal with it, for the most part.

~~

This past year I spent a lot of time with my mother before she died. I know the day I grew up in one sense of the word. I took control of my life and I hold the reigns in a decent grasp most of the time. But I seriously think that leaving the house and going out on my own without the safety net or the restraint of my family has been the best thing for me. I have been happier than ever before, so even with that hell of a valley in my life, I seriously think that 2007 has been my best year ever. I also happily know that it won't be the reigning king of years for too long because I know that there are bigger and better things in my distant and not so distant future.

Things for me to look forward to:
More Fencing
A Boyfriend
A Husband
Graduating From the University
Graduating from Graduate School
More Kick Ass Friends
Publishing 'Travelers'
Publishing 'Travelers' As A Graphic Novel
Becoming Renown For My Botanical Research
My Lemon Trees Bearing Fruit
Traveling With My Friends
Visiting My Friends Who Plan On Living In Other Countries
The Unknown, The Unplanned, The Unexpected

Free Of Everything, Bound By Nothing
Living The Life I Was Given.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

What Makes A Home?

To follow up what has been mentioned to a minute degree in this journal I don't feel at home here in Reston anymore. I don't know if it's because my mother is gone, or what but my brothers don't really make me feel welcome in my own house. Technically 1/3 of this house is mine, but I damn near don't want it. I am aggravated here and the past two times I've been home I spent most of my time out driving elsewhere or trying to not be in the house at all. Things keep changing and I seem to have little to no say in it. I seem to not have any say in this house and I rarely talk to my brothers. It's maybe once every two weeks, which is pretty crappy. They don't instigate contact with me either, we've become very disconnected and I seem to be on an island of my own all alone up here. I think I know what I want to do, but I need some time to seriously think about it and to talk to my friends to try to get a little bit of advise before I tell my brothers my plan.

I think I just need to straight up move out of here. They don't like spending 6 hours in a car to get me, and we don't really spend that much time together and they don't really try to figure out that I've been up to or what I do down there. I'm not moving in with my father because that would be hell. He has no say over what I do because I am an independent, dependent on no one but myself, and those who I seek out for advise. I'm not being told what to do or when. I'm not getting a curfew or any of that bullshit, and especially not from him because he's never tried before and he can't tame me. He could tame Patricia Ruth [Hall] Pinales and he sure and fuck won't be able to tame Jasmine Y. Pinales.

My great escape plan is to get an apartment down in the Norfolk area. I can maybe just afford room & board and utilities. I'd need a job first, so I need to get that secure before I go out to rent something. I also need someone to live with and the car. This is not fair that I'm not allowed to have a fucking car! I want my damn Elantra, or you two bastard better fucking trade in that damned Buick and give me the 'new' car! I swear, it's not fair!

I'm too annoyed to sign off with my usual dismissal so I will end on this note:

I'm tired of being alone.

Hmm, Well, that opened up me to review my concept of 'alone'. I think it has most often just be a more emotion type of solitude that I am disagreeing wiht not a physical one. I think that is why phone conversations have been useful because they keep me from having to deal with my emotions alone by talking to someone. I've spoken to two people about the solution to my dilemma and they both think I should go through with this, but I want to get the opinion of a few other people, and I need to check out just what I'll be able to afford if I go through with that.

But to my concept of being alone. There are specific people with whom I feel the most comfortable talking to when I'm stressed or depressed.

Elizabeth because she's very calm and will accept just how far my emotions will rage and try to calm me back down to my usual calm demeanor. It takes a bit to get her seriously riled up which helps when my emotions take violent turns and are flung out of my periodic fragile grasp. She listens and tries, even against my pessimistic tendencies of depression to get me to try things...even if I don't always listen having someone else tell me something I've already thought of cements it into my mind so I know I'll have to act on it at some point of time.

Glenn because he listens and gives intelligent responses when I need that type of thing. It seems to take a fair bit of aggravation to ruffle his feathers which means I can throw the more extreme thoughts and he'll respond in a way that'll make me think and forcing me to slow down and think brings me back to where I need to be. He listens to be vent and even when he doesn't have a good response he'll just listen and try to cheer me up.

C.R. because he listens and once more very sympathetically tries to calm me back down and succeeds a it =D His calm demeanor and silly responses throw me off track which distracts me form what angers me. The pure simplicity of his responses throw me for a loop and that makes me think through what upset me so I can find someway to fix it. He doesn't mind any thought I throw which is useful because I have a tendency to rant and ramble so being able just to talk and have those unpredictable changes to where my thoughts flow is quite useful.

Alex because he just listens and calmly responds. He responds to my more extravagant ponders in ways that amuse me. He is able to calmly look at the cards I lay before him and organize the important ones and help me to get rid of the ones that need to be gotten rid of. He's trust worthy...except for answering his phone kind of...and calling back. He fails at that, but other than that, I trust him with damn near any thought in my head. Hell, he even listened to me explain one of my more ..interesting story ideas...one that I want to seriously go back to at some point

There you have it, the people who work best at helping me get back to where I need to be to not lose my mind in the extremes of anything. Well, not so much 'anything' just the things they each hear. Everyone is important to me, but this people more so, in a way...Just trust me when I say that without them I wouldn't be the person I am because I've needed many hands to get out that the vicious valleys that make up my depression. Those slopes are easy to not notice as I slide down them, but they're a bitch to climb back up without a few helping hands. These hands are just the ones that helped the most.

I'm noticing a pattern with the people I trust the most. They're calm and they are all excellent at bringing me back to where I need to be psychologically.

Well, that was two journals all in one post...I feel better and the usual conclusion remains I guess. More to come later.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.