Another Day, Another Rant

I'm not trying with a much mroe conscious effort to maintain this for the time being considering i can't really draw. So from one passive-aggressive activity to another. But I'm also not really angry or at any real emotion outcropping, but I don't really care for most of what I draw. At the moment, if I'm not trying, it comes out awesomely

Anywho, I'm starting this off listening to Sway. This song is so totally my favorite song right now, it's just so pleasant and so much fun to sing to. It's the right type of moving that can cheer me up or calm me down. I just read an article about happiness and different myths, and something the author was talking about was people dealing with upset feelings and getting their happy back. I've know for a long time that music has one of the greatest effects for me. When I'm angry I listen to the power of a song, ignoring the lyrics. When I'm calmer and at peace I listen to something more placid and fluid. When I'm energetic it's something pumped, and then there are all the lines inbetween. Classical, techno, rock, rap, R&B, they each have their moments with me and for my emotions. I'm glad I figured out early on, on one way to harnes my emotions, to express them, then to get back in control of them. If I listen to Rammstein too much in a short period of time I know something's wrong. Most everything else is cool. Coheed and Cambria i'm a little upset, a little off, but mostly I'm fine. The Willing Well IV by C&C just started. They have a very measured tone for some of their songs which works depending on what I need. But I wasn't rally going to talk about that for too long, I was going to review the past few days. Why? Why the fuck not?

Hmm, we had Monday classes cancelled because of a little show and ice. I spent my day on the couch once I rolled out of bed and watched some B:TAS which was alright. The season 4 art really doesn't work out as well for the characters. Scarecrow makes more sense being a skinny fuck, and why the hell is Poison Ivy grey skinned now? I still like the episodes, and I'm fine with with Tim Drake, Dick Grayson was getting to be an annoying ass anyway. But his Nightwing design is poo.

Man, this is the least focused I've been for writing in a while. Heh, non since a Psych assignment from a few weeks back. That took too fucking long D8

Well, I've left the 'Batfamily Reunion' wallpaper behind and have moved onto the 3PS one I have of Risu. I like the simplicity of it. Seirously.

Hmm, apparently my life has been so boring for the past few days that I can't even maintain my attention span to write about it. I'll talk about food for a wee bit, and twitter before I go and pop some more tramadol and the sleep aid from tylenol pm and go to bed 2 hours earlier than I normally do.

Yesterday and on monday I made my own little bit of 'i'm playin' with mah food' awesome. I just sauteed some hot dogs with onions, green pepper, garlic and frozen peas and carrots. I ate that mess with rice, and it was good. It seriously was pretty dan enjoyable, which was awesome. I needed something simple to eat and it worked.

Ooh, on friday I fried some chicken thighs I had. They were forzen so after the very slow process of defrosting them in the pan I was going to fry them in, I cut them into smaller pieces once they were defrosted enough and seasoned it up and fried that shits. It was delicious. I ate that with some tortalinni I hadand a homemade tomato sauce that I'm not eating as a chip dip. Go ingenunity, and not wanting to throw away my little bit of food more often than I already do =D

Tonight's awesome dinner was a simple chicken soup I made. I defrosted three chicken legs I seasoned back in October and boiled them in water that was very simply seasoned. It was also a very small pot so there wasn't much room, but the chicken came out hella tender, which was freakin' sweet. I wish I had put something sweet into it though, maybe next time I'll drain a can of corn and toss that in, I'll also be working in a larger pot. I poured that into a bowl with some rice and it made for a small, but good enough dinner. I'm a little hungry 3 hours later, but it was a very low calorie dinner I guess. I'll be fine, and I can always lose a few pounds.

Speaking of weight loss, I looked at my face yesterday, and it seemed to be a bit skinner than I reemberd it being. Not as svelt and skinny as it was in Septeber post hospital stay, but a bit mroe slender than normal. My diet is the same, and I'm still not really exercsing, but oh well.

I've been a lto more comfortable since that boil on my ass popped the other day. TMI, I know, but don't read this if you don't want ot read about thigns like that. but seriously, walking and sitting and pretty much everything I need to do is much easier since I don't have a large pustule crushing my nerves every two seconds with every movement. God. I'm still limping, but that's from the abscess on my thigh. Yeah, right in the useful connective skin. It sucks.

Maybe I'll be able to get my disgusting bioligical shit off of here before someone important reads this...probably not...too late.

Before Twitter, the SMod Cast. That's Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier's podcast. I seriously spent pretty much all day today listening to most of the first 6. I say most of because my internet is built on fail and only downloaded half of some of the casts, soI had to re-download them. But they did make for quite entertianing listenings while I walked from one class to another. Yeah, freakin' amusing and awesome. So, my stupid fangirlisms aside, I will say this, I still think Mosier is adorable, married or not. And both he and Kevin Smith are pretty amusing to listen to. And by 'both' I mean' Smith' because Mosier doesn't talk half as much as Smith does, but without Mosier, it wouldn't half as much fun. Sometimes I take too much pleasure from calling people by their last names.

On to Twitter. This site it still ten types of useful. I follow celeb junk, why not. And a few strangers. But I find it odd when people follow me. Like one dude who couldn't spell 'Betelgeuise' correctly followed me because I said I was renting the movie. And someone else, who I vaguely wonder is my 12th grade english teacher, is now following my on Twitter. But it would be impossible to find me because I didn't start using this handle until late 2007, early 2008, and it would be a work out for her to find me from other sites. Yeah, some link right to it, but I think it's a random person. She wanted to know the receipe for my chicken soup, because I said it was killer, but I was just enjoying it. I consider most of my non-receipes to be friggin' killer, so... yeah. But I still enjoy my twitter and am happy that award season is over because just during the Oscars I got hundreds of updates from the film groups I watch. I kind of with Miramax wouldn't post the same tweet over and over, over the course of the day, but what can I do, I mean really. I'm fine with following them.

And I think I'm all personal reviewed out and will be going to bed soon...now ish.

Peace out internet. Have a good one, and I'll be back bright and early in the morning. :)

Jasmine P.

Do Unto Others As You Would Want Them To Do Unto You

I haven't properly written anything out in a while, more than a month really. Well, I think there's one or two things on LJ or Facebook but ehh, those two journals don't get the same treatment as over here does. Twitter gets the truth most often, the deepest parts of my soul in only 160 characters. Well, 140, but 160 in a text, but that's neither here nor there.

I've figured out and decided that I'm at a major cross roads in my life and I've been here for a while. How long I cann0t tell but things are different. some times I'm a lot happier than I've been in a while, other times I'm somewhat listless and my attention span has been nowhere serious for the past few days. I think it's partially a very mild depression but I'm still moving away from where i used to be. i mean, this time last year I was crazed and ready to get the hell out of dodge. And I think a very little mite suicidal. I assume I'm true about that last assumption. i don't like that thought one little bit, but it might be a small part of my truth about life.

Considering I've spent so much time alone I've had a lot to think about without other people getting in the way. Apparently Firefox can't spell check anymore. fucking whore. blargle ggj ...joy. Back to the point, my technological assistance is apparently temporarily out, maybe because this window's been open for a while, and now I just plain have an internet error, joy.

Back to my life. Now, there are two guys who are apparently vying for attention in my mind. One of them works at Borjo and I know I won't say a damned thing to him, and i think he's in a relationship anyway. Okay, this is annoying. Time to refresh the fucking window. There, it's fixed, but back to the point, once more. The other guy I've never said a word to, but he does intrigue me and I do want to say something. Mostly tell him his hat is bitching, but even that apparently sends me a twitter and makes me confused and like an annoying girl. Interacting wiht strangers is quite annoying and American society does not make it any easier. Great, it's crapped out once more. Fuck you ODU internet. Yeah, I wish this were more of a spur of the moment thing and not something I've been thinking about saying all semester. I'm a weird one. Chance are I'll say this, then it'll be another person on my 'hi-bye' roster of acquaintances. No big deal.

On to more stupidity that's been running through my head. I am currently obsessing of the TV show Psych. I think a rabid obsession has been missing from my life. I haven't really been focused on anything for a while and even with my faulty attention span from the past few days, I have been enjoying the show and the commentary and have tried to draw James Roday and Dule Hill. James is much more of a challenge, and he is now on my list of actors it would be bitching to meet. Well included in this list is the even awesome RDJ, Johnny Depp, and Morgan Freeman to remind myself of a few of the celebs I would love to meet. Hell, I would love to film an episode of Psych. 'Guest starring a random fan!' Bomb diggity.

I don't know where I'm going right now and I think that's why I had to spend some time alone, so I could get a proper handle on myself and what I need. I don't know how to fix me and getting a boyfriend is a bit of a pipe dream still. Pipe dream territory is never fun.

Now's not the time for my to do my big 'it's the end of the year' thing. I kind of did that for my birthday when I said 'i'm not dead yet' but maybe this time I'll wait until January and just have my big 'changing of the year' thing ring in the next year instead of shutting down the old one. God, this new mp3 player recharges is no time. From no batter to almost full in about 45min. Gold.

I'm sure this has accomplished something important to me, but I'm not sure of what it is quite yet. The point is to be theraputic and I'm not sure how useful this one was. Probably more than I realize at this moment, but it's not as useful as my last conversation with Alex. But nothingis near as useful as any of those, except for face-to-face interaction.

Jasmine P.

May 12th, I Feel So Alone

I'm so bored and so alone right now. I crave socialization and people. I crave something to do, somewhere to go, and for this damned rain to let up. I need my computer to be working so when I get the desire, the inspiration to write one of these that I actually can, that they work out. I had this great rant earlier about how annoyed I am to be so alone right now and what I want. Well, here's a bit of it.

First and foremost, I want a damed hug! I crave and need physical contact. Last time I had a hug was on Saturday when I ran into CR when I was literally on my way out to leave for home.

Secondly, I want to not be alone, and I need to find something to do outside this house, especially at night. I've always been worse about being on my own at night than any other time. I've got the cabin fever like nobodies business and I need to get away.

Thirdly, I miss everyone and damn near everything about being in Norfolk. I miss the ease of being able to hang out with people, of being able to go somewhere. I miss the jokes and the silliness. Hell, I looked through the last 80 photos on my camera before going to be last night just so I could laugh and reminisce about people I met in just September, for the most part.

I've lost most my rant to distractions, but I'm always thinking about everyone back from ODU. I'm craving a reason, an excuse to leave my house. I desire not so much entertainment, but fellowship, not living to such a solitary degree. My brothers don't cut it. Sure, we all like video games, but I don't care for being around them for extended periods of time. I'll be fine in a week or two, I hope. But I don't always want to be the one reaching out to everyone else. I want someone to reach out to me first so I feel needed and not just needful.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Dinner Date D1

I wrote this little bit of extra short story when I was in Driver Improvement School. To be edited and elaborated on in the future.

There he was, across the bar. his dark hair kept short and neat, everything maintained and trim. He smiles when he sees a cut young thing in something low cut and slinky. I watch him as he leaves the bar to dance with that trick. A trick. If he's going after a trick he's not worth it.
My drink is sweet and cold as I look around and see another. His hair is long, dark and neat. He smiles when our eyes meet, I twirl my air around my finger looking at him then looking away. He finished his drink before moving through the intoxicated crowd to my side. He ordered me another drink, and a drink for himself. His voice was pleasant, a deep masculine comfort, a pleasant way to end the week.
We spoke all night, left the bar for a table. He let me run my fingers through his hair. It was soft, he liked it, he softly kissed my wrist, commenting on my perfume. He moved closer to me and i could smell him, I could smell his cologne. I leaned against him, enjoying his warmth. His hand was on my shoulder. I looked into his eyes, feeling as if I would fall into his eyes. How clear they were, a gorgeous light brown color. They disappear as I feel his lips against mine. I taste the whiskey on his tongue, on his lips. It clashes with my daqueri but tastes oh so good. Oh so delicious, oh so warm. Our mouths separate and I feel an unsated hunger rise up in me. I desire him, he's oh so warm and perfect. I kiss his neck, tasting, pet neck behind his ear. He moans, I know he's mine. I'm ready to devour him. now it is time to leave the bar, in the dark of night. The full moon is pleasant tonight, it makes me strong...

So, that's the original story, as I had written it on Saturday. Despite how it may sound, She's a werewolf, not a vampire. I'm looking to edit this and make it more obvious by the end of the story what she is. It's all I could fit on the page of paper of the little pad. All confined to one page of paper. I don't think it's bad, but it seriously needs some improvement.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Restless

I dunno. At the moment I feel incredibly restless and irritable. I'm upset about something that's only in my head and it's just a bitch. I'm upset about how a friend of mine is acting. After knowing him for the few months that I have known him I can easily understand how he acts. I understand how he acts around many women. I think I feel bad because I'm not the person he'd give up time for. I guess it's a type of heart break...mixed in with PMSing, and at the moment I don't want to be alone, and per usual the people I'd rather not be alone around are busy.

So, to elaborate a bit on how I see the situation, said friend gets next to, hangs out and makes time for specific people at a time. I think it's pretty much an 'instant crush' sort of deal, except for him, unlike it being at the time of meeting, it's when the current 'crush' has moved on. I think it's between a crush and like a fascination. I dunno, but I don't think it's so much that fact that it isn't me anymore, it's the fact that it's a mutual friend, my best friend, so I don't have anyone to distract me from myself, and I am the most dangerous person for me to be alone with.

I think this will pass soon, but right now, at this minute, it's just frustrating, and I'm trying not to cry from feeling alone. I think one of these days I'll go out on a limb and 'meet somebody'. I mean this a a perennial complaint and wish that I would have someone who I could go to all the time, no questions asked and just chill with. I'm fantasizing at the moment about having someone and I don't think that' really helping my cause any, so I think I need to just go and find somebody. That's a weird turn fo phrase to just go 'meet' or to 'find somebody' how do people ever know what they're looking for. I know people with interesting outward appearances but kick ass personalities and people who look all kick ass and cool, but really aren't. I'm much more than one of those types of people who only want a person's look, I want more, I need something substantial. But I also wonder if that's the type of person I'll ultimately end up with. I mean, people talk about not ending up with the type of person they always thought they'd marry, but being truly happy with them, so what if it's the same with me?

I've thought about the criterion that I want filled, and I think in the long run is that I want someone whom I consider a superior because I want to be able to seriously reply on them to be mature when I'm not so mature, and so I can be taken care of on days like to day when I just want to not be alone. I have someone to hug and lay all up on and in general not be so distant to. I dislike the fact that I feel a desire to be so dependent on someone else, but I also think that's what I want, to be able to be so dependent every once in a while. To be pampered. But I also want someone intelligent so I can have an intellectual challenge. Not to play stupid word games with all the time, but someone I have debate with over things, but can also see the intelligence and the intellect in something that I find to be clever and amusing.

After getting my bearings, I feel better, but I still don't want to be alone. I know what I want, but I don't know how to find it. Fuck using some dating group. I can find someone suitable without the help of lame want ads and the like.

God, this is seriously just the PMS talking. I can't wait this this is over and I'm not feeling so melancholy.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

make them hear you

I can't think of a better title, but this works sine this is nothign more than a few rambling thoughts.

So, last night with everyone was fun. Raving Rabids was more fun than I'd thought it would be. Hanging out with everyone held my depression at bay. I didn't realize that fact until I was going to bed at about 2 this morning and I had no real desire to sleep. I'd thought I was done, but I'm just keeping it all at bay only just barely. I need this shit to end. I'm just so fuck tired of it all. Not living, I've no real qualms with life, but I do have issues with this depression, and at the moment I don't want to be alone. Heh, my usual complaint, 'I don't want to be alone' or 'I don't trust myself to be alone'

Heh, 'Make Them Hear You' by the Black Eyed Peas, I can't make anyone hear me. Damn this depression to hell. I'm just glad I've got enough sense to try to fight it. I just keep loosing the damn fight. Hmm, I think that since today is my last day down here I deserve one last drink from Borjo....maybe a red-eye. I mean, i haven't had one of those in about a month. The problem isn't today though, it's going to be tomorrow when I'm crashing like a two year old behind the wheel on 95. But that's beside the point... I'll decide when I get there. I think maybe I should write. Problem is I don't know who to write about. I'd also rather not create any more characters, the 70, 80 some I have at the moment are out there enough to last me a life time...

I think it's time for a round of phone tag as I try to find someone or something to hold my attention for the next two hours. Later days.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.