On Having A Boyfriend, and why I Haven't Had One

On Friday I updated my Facebook status to 'man, Facebook really wants me to find a man' to which a cousin of mine, who is 8 months older than I am inquired to if I ever had a boyfriend, I replied no, he asked why, I ignored him. He somehow inferred that I was a lesbian, to be more specific, he was surprised that 'I didn't like boys' to which I explained that is not the case, and he was wrong for inferring that. I explained that I've have and have had friends whom were male, but not fulfilling the title of 'boyfriend'. I continued by saying I decided to ignore the previous question. In all honesty, I don't know why guys don't like me enough to date me. I didn't say that last sentence, he replied along the lines of seeing why I didn't have a boyfriend. I told him to enlighten me, since he apparently knows so much, which brings me to here.


I don't really care for bringing my lack of a love life to attention unless I'm ranting about it. I didn't want to really have a conversation about it with a cousin I barely know. I was also tired of his writing as if he doesn't know the fucking language. I don't really know why he writes like he doesn't know proper grammar and sentence structure, so I tend to ignore him on Facebook until he decides to say something to me, which was sadly the case this time. This isn't the worst written post from him, but he's had some that just made my brothers and myself wonder what the fuck happened when he got older.

Brenton, my cousin, is 21, has a kid, is also an uncle, and is ignorantly proud of having not finished college, because he now has a family. His sister also never finished college before having a kid. My family values education so we don't think he should be so proud of having a kid and barely attained a college education, not even a 2-year partial degree thing. He's proud of his "baby's mama" and joined the army to appease her father. I can't remember if he got married. As far as I'm concerned, my cousin has not acquired anything to be able to criticise my life nore my lackthereof of a significant other. He only has a few months over me, which isn't enough for me to really respect his opinion. I humor him, in my mind because he'll ask me the same sort of question every few months, I respond once or twice, then I ignore him. He has some obsession with my having a boyfriend. Part of me does, but I have better things to do than wait for someone else to 'make me happy'.

I've gone 21 years on my own, I've really only wanted someone for the past 6 years. I haven't hd one for a few reasons: in high school any guy I was interested in was gay or taken. In college that has persisted, but I have attempted to pursue guys which failed each time. Now I'm content on my own, it's only when I start PMS-ing that I want somebody. It gets annoying, but it doesn't last long until I'm content to being back on my own. I love me, I worship me on a daily basis and I make myself the before fucking food ever. I feel like I'm bragging, and I probably am, when I tell people the awesome things I make for myself. Cornish hens, pan-cooked boneless pork ribs, steak, pots of chicken noodle soup. I decided if I don't make awesome things for myself, why does anyone I meet from here on in deserve things I don't give myself, or those types of things.

I'm on my own and I'm well enough as is. I have plenty of friends, I have a bunch of guy friends so it works out. I get them to do things for me, I pay them back. I'm around guys in general all the time that helps me because I can't stand being around girls all the time. Hell, my roommate this year, Megan, she weirds me out a little. she has some obsession with talking to me every time I walk in, EVERY TIME! If I open the door to the bathroom she's there sometimes, wanting to talk. She'll watch me cook, we're not even talking, and she'll just watch me cook. It's kind of creepy. I don't get it. I don't have anything interesting to say, but she'll be there. I've no problem talking, I generally talk most people's ears off, but it's an odd situation that kind of makes my skin crawl. It's like she doesn't have social skills, which could be stunted actually as she is an only child, but yeah, it's weird.

I just creeped myself out, so let me get around to my reasons on why I have never had a boyfriend. First, I can be quite loud, obnoxious and brash. I talk like I'm one of the guys, I'm vulgar and can be quite abrasive. I may not seem as feminine as I really am I considere myself more or less the best damn Drag Queen ever because if I was a guy I think I'd be a drag queen, if not that then I'd be gay. Second, I'm overweight. Why would anyone want to date an overweight chick who never flaunts or oversized assets. Hell, I only draw attention to my chest when I'm making fun of it. They're like painful, natural air bags, flotation devices, I can use my chest as a shelf to hold things, which I have done before. My chest can enter a room before my feet do. I've got more, but I have a large chest that I cover up because it's not just large, it's flabby and I'm fat. Third, I have too many guy friends. I said before I kind of act like I'm one of the guys, well it doesn't help that most of my friends are guys. I prefer being around or talking to guy. My best friend is a guy, most of the fencers are guys. I assume that it either looks like I'm dating one of my guy friends, or guys think that a friend of mine will 'steal me away' during a relationship. Fourth, I value intelligence to some degree, and displaying it. It takes more than brightly colored feathers and a skillful dance to attract this mate, you have to show you have a brain that's useful for something. Yes, I love an attractive body, few people don't, I mean, who wants to look at someone they consider ugly, fuck society's perception of what's attractive. What I really like is a brain, someone I can have an intelligent conversation with, but also knows how to have a great stupid conversation. They don't have to know all the things I know, it's better if they don't and they can make something I don't get understandable. We can both bring something to the table, and of course some mutual things, but who really gets in a good relationship with someone they don't have something in common with. Too many guys run around acting like chickens with their heads cut off. Being intelligent is one thing, displaying it is another beast all together. Fifth, being able to take my bullshit. I go back and forth all the time from being sane to being ridiculous, so being able to deal with me and my bullshit is pretty much a necessary. That's a given about any sort of relationship if you really thing about it. I'm a vain son of a bitch sometimes, in that vanity is intelligence, now just physical attributes.

I realized how that last paragraph was written switched mid-way through, but ehh, it all still gets the point I was intending across, I think. I'm too ridiculous for anyone, and that's why I'm alone. I also figure that why rush into something with someone I either barely know, or don't really like. Someone will accept my ridiculous ass at some point, and then who knows. Until then I fly solo, paralleling people every now and again before I'm back on my own.


*edit*


So, the saga of idiocy continues. The pirate outfit he's talking about is simple. I was dressed in a striped red and gold tunic-ish shirt, white skirt and had a scarf in my hair for a banquet I went to. I was at my university's sport club banquet as one of the representatives for the fencing club, I realized with a saber in my hand I kind of looked like a pirate and thought the picture was fun. My cousin on the other hand thought it was lame. He says I have an attitude because I act like I was raised educated, I'm sorry* if acting like I have common sense is offensive to you, but fuck off. Really. What the fuck does he mean by presentable? Wearing hoochie skirts and low cut shirt? Wearing what's popular? Fat people don't look good in that shit, and it's shit. Fuck fads, I work with clay twice a week and various drawing supplies the rest of the week. I don't have time for that shit I'm function over fashion. I don't consider 'feminine' clothing to be all that functional, which is why I stray away from it usually. But, when I need to dress nicer than I normally do, I have nicer things, but if I know I'll be using something that stains and messes up good clothing why should I wear it? He needs to stop focusing on my life and get a job and an education and better himself. He's not from skid-row, he's from a damn suburb of Cleveland, OH, an upper-middle class suburb at that. ['Skid Row' Little Shop of Horrors Watch the first 30 seconds]. Learning how to type properly he can do from home. Trying to decipher his last message I realized it's all one sentence with no period at the end. My ten year old sister can write better than him, and she's a gat damn kid 12 years his junior.

*Edit 2* My retarded cousin has shown a lack of reading comprehension and straight up ignorance. I can't talk to this fool. I'd rather be poor and fucking homeless than to go to him with his normal like of 'girls n cash n cars'. I'm about to drop him from facebook. He does nothing positive for me and my decided upon life style.


Jasmine P.

* Not sorry in the least.

Early Morning Musings

I've been spending some time over the past few days reading things off the site 'Stand for Christmas' http://www.standforchristmas.com/ and mostly been laughing at these ultra conservative Christians. In part it's from ignorance and non acceptance of other holidays that happen to take place in the winter. If you look at the ratings list for Best Buy people were all pissy and up in arms because the site and circular promoted the Muslim holiday, of Eid al-Adha, which as my meager research on wikipedia told me is a day about prayer and giving from one's flock to the poor. Seriously, that and Best But says nothing specific about Christmas.

I see these people up in arms angry that Christmas isn't getting the 'respect' they think it deserves. I say one comment for Old Navy that said, and I quote "I logged in to this sight to leave a positive feedback for Old Navy because in my local store I noticed the Merry Christmas tees and also gift cards with Merry Christmas on them---a big step up from past years, but I was unaware of the add including Christmas with Kwanza/soltice (the ice skating one is fine with me;goofy, but fine).” So sad that they took one step forward and two giant leaps back." How is being aware of a not-holiday, Kwanzaa in my opinion, and solstice taking two steps back. These people seems to forget that there are many religions in the world that have some sort of festivity in the winter. I know there are plenty of people who believe that Christianity, or factions of, are the 'only religion' it just seems implausible that everyone who decided to write on that site feels that way.

I think saying 'holiday' is fine because there are so many celebrations, religiously based or not. Using the non-reputable source that is Wikipedia, once more, let's see just the sheer number of holidays, festivals, remembrances, or celebrations there are LISTED for the 31 days that make up December. 38 different events around the world, that's not counting the smaller events that take place during the month. It's not just Christmas, there's also Chanukkah which I think is the second largest religious celebration in the month. On December 25th there are also these events:

# Re) birth of Sol Invictus. The winter solstice feast in the Roman Empire from 274 to 391

# Quaid-e-Azam's Day – Pakistan

# Constitution Day – Republic of China now based in Taiwan

# The feast day of Anastasia of Sirmium

# Yule

# Malkh-Festival. Sun festival in pre-Islamic pagan religion of Nakh people. Chechenya and Ingushetia

True, not all of them are celebrated anymore and are known more out of historic necessity, but they're still there. I'm sure there are plenty more. I don't get the fuss that people use 'holiday' over 'Christmas' when so much else goes on. Any why get so hard up for one day? It's about family? So is Thanksgiving. It's about giving? If you truly want to give to other people, give when you don't feel obligated. These people are making it about the material, if they want to really make it about a part of the true aspect of the day, Jesus and giving, they would go out into their communities and help those who are less fortunate instead of opening hundreds or thousands and thousands of dollars worth of things that they'll forget the next day.

With my tirade I'm not saying I don't like getting things, but I remember and like the gifts that I made for people a lot more than any of the stuff I've bought. Back in 2006 I made ornaments for my family and friends. I love those. In 2004 or 2005 I drew my brother a dragon, framed it and he still has it. I'm proud of those gifts. Last year I thought carefully about what people would appreciate, but I don't appreciate the gifts as much, I have to think hard to remember what I gave them. But I remember what I made, that had love, time and compassion not just money. Scupley costs money, and a lot of time, but those gifts were awesome.

The other part of my musings is on the concept of being politically correct. Thinking that it's more pc to be called 'African-American' is wrong for -me- because I'm not African. I'm 1/2 Dominican and 1/2 American. I only have American citizenship, and I don't know how many generations far back are off a boat from any part of Africa. I call myself 'black' or even just 'American' because that's what I am. I don't care so much about that aspect of American history. I respect it for what happened and all that shit, but I have more important things to be looking for in my future. That's what my status from the other day was about, someone on deviantart was talking about how with some Scandanavian comics she draws and posts people comment about where their family's from. I don't really care about my ancestors. It's not to be disrespectful, but that's not -me- so much. I don't want to go to Africa and see what it was like for them there, I don't really want to go to the Dominican Republic, I don't speak the language. I more often just think of myself as American because I don't speak Spanish. I was raised by my mother's side of the family and more often than not think about things they do than things my dad's side of the family does. I don't not love them, I just don't know them. It's different.

About being politically correct for the holidays, I don't see it about being disrespectful, it's about respect for more people. People seem to have a problem with respect. What if I worked retail and wished ' Happy Chanukkah' or even forwent December and started with 'Happy New Year'? That's non-denominational, just different countries or religions, follow different calendars, its offensive to calendars?

I go for politically correct terms because I don't like to be insulted. Once I know what will and won't mess with a person, I'll use it. I say 'I'm fat' not 'overweight' because it's fat, my body has an excess of it. If you have an excess of weight, it's not always fat, it could be water or muscle. I have an excess of fat, and I don't always have a problem with it. Buying clothing is when I have a problem with it. I say all sorts of ridiculous things; I know I say things than can be misconstrued as being disrespectful, but it's not out of disrespect. Sometimes it's due out of ignorance, which is different than going out and being rude. I think a large part about being politically correct is who you're interacting with. Some people mind and others don't. Listen to how I talk, I say ridiculous things EVERY DAY, sometimes on purpose, sometimes it just is what it is.

I know I’m politically correct when I speak. I do it for me because it feels right. I use more or less the same language in front of someone or behind their back, profanity aside. If I don’t know I’ll ask, and I’ll apologize if I think I said something wrong. The other day I was at a hookah bar when it was closing. I was curious what language some of the other patrons were using, so I asked. I had assumed it was Arabic, it was when I asked,. I had the chance to ask a question, so I did. I will. I have asked Muslim women one my few occasions, questions about their head wraps. I was curious about them, I know very little about those practices. I had an Indian friend in high school and I think she sometimes had the red dot on her forehead. I think I asked her what it was about, but have since forgotten. I’m curious and try not to be rude, I’ll admit I don’t know because I think it lets whomever I’m speaking to know that I’m honestly curious.

You know what, I’m not sure where exactly I wanted to go with my thoughts on being politically correct aside from questioning them. I don’t understand why people seem to have an issue about not offending other people. I want respect and to get it I have to give it equally. I understand terms change and I’m not always in the venue to learn when or why they changed. Za told me she learned that the new PC term for ‘Native Americans’ is ‘First Americans’. I really don’t see what’s wrong with ‘Native American’ but there’s a new term. I know I use ‘Indian’ more often, and I don’t know if I’ll ever use or need to use ‘First American’ but it’s a new term. Now I want to know why they changed it, what was wrong with calling them ‘Native’? Where would ‘aborigine’ fit in? It’s time I get back to the work I put off to write this, but I kept thinking about it. Now to work for a bit, sleep, then work some more. Joy. Good day, everyone!

Jasmine P.

Cinema

I don't think I've addressed the purpose of Cinema too often. I don't think I've addressed the purpose of any of my worlds too much further than talking about their inspiration.

As I've thought about creating and adding things to the world of Cinema I've picked up a few habits. From it's name being 'Cinema' to the characters loving old movies to this year deciding that the theater they go to is the Retro Cinema. The Retro is a theater that shows movies thirty years or older. As I've thought of that and chapter titles and themes I've come to an understanding about why Cinema is important to me.

The characters were originally some throw away characters I drew when I was depressed and couldn't draw my normal stuff. Alphabet was a joke, making fun of my self. She wasn't even the first one drawn, Davey was first. He was the star, but Alpha quickly became top dog in the world. Smyth was their third, the most level headed of them. There was originally only one chapter, but it blossomed. The cast grew. Sephy, Aster, Suma, Beta were all added in a few weeks of creating Alpha, Davey, and Smyth. Micha showed up in 2007, Jayden a bit later in 2007 early 2008 and most recently in 2009 an unnamed kid who has an interest in Sephy. I've also drawn Alpha's father at least once.

Wow I'm all over the place with this. Back to the main four, Alpha, Davey, Smyth and Sephy. These four characters love film and movies. They spend their time going to the RC every weekend pretty much. Aster, Alpha's younger brother, also has an intense interest in movies, and is out to make his own and Alpha and crew get enlisted to help him make these 'masterpieces'. Their lives pretty much revolve around film.

What I've learned from the Four, and the supporting cast is that they have a deep love tor the 20th Century. Cinema, I think, is a way for me to honor things from or about the 20th century. They love and damn near worship old film, but they also love modern, present films. They're just as happy seeing big blockbusters as they are seeing a 50's B-movie. They emulate what they see in these movies. But through my character's love for things of the 1900s, I think it shows my own love, or at least appreciation for these things. I have chapters planned called things like 'discotheque' and 'delicatessen' because those words are awesome, but they're also things that were big at different times of the 20th century.

The point for Cinema for me, I think, is for me to have a world where I can explore some aspects of the 20th century with modern characters. These characters have, and will gain, the ability to have intelligent discussions on film. They have leanings toward careers that are in the movies, in differing aspects of movies. If they're not in film, they'll still have that deep love and appreciation. With Cinema I have an excuse to watch more older movies and see a broad array of things.

It's great to see how they've grown. This is the first image of them of ever I think. They're may be a doodle before this, but this is the first. A more recent pic of them. And a collection of them from my sketch blog. I love these characters and hope that anything I do is worthy of them and their love of film, and I'm interested in seeing what I learn as I write their stories. This jumped all over the place, but I did get to what I wanted to talk about, I think.

Jasmine P.

Crossroads: Built to Help, Only Impede

I was originally going to do a write up of the past week I spent in Wisconsin, but this seemed to be a bit more pertinent. I still want to write up about the week before I forget. That's why Twitter's nice, I wrote some stuff up there most days, so I can review it and remind myself what I did and what to write about. But for now, less about last week and more about me.

I've in a funk, again. I don't know what to do to break it. I've spent the past few days since returning to Norfolk watching Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies, which I guess I can include in my review blog. But not right now. I'm at that annoying impasse where I don't know what I want to do. Not with my education and not with tomorrow. I can't draw, so write I must.

I've recently fallen in love with writing things by hand. I hand wrote a note to a woman from New York, more to be expounded upon in the SWS/Wisconsin journal. But I kind of want to write more people letters. One to Scott, another to Ralph...that's it. Yeah, so two letters. There's the personal touch of recieving mail, and writing them. They take time, and even once the idea is written, there's writing a presentable form of the letter.

Well, let's start somewhere. Is It Okay If I Call You Mine? written and sung by Paul McCrane. Ironic time to play this song. This is kind of how I feel about Paul, but also at the moment, men in general. Kind of. I mean, first there is my interest in someone who hasn't called me back. I fear his phone is lost or something. Then there's Phillip, who's interest in my was professed by two other people in drunken stupor. I doubt they remember telling me this, but a large part of me doesn't want to inquire about it, but if someone cares, why not try for something. Then there's Beau, and that one I assume is all in my head. He's a cutie, and I could have sworn just last week when I friended him on facebook he was in a relationship with someone, but that's beside the point. Interest in him came from his drunken excitement in seeing me. Yeah, prefixed by drunken, so who knows. I have also decided that the actors Lee Pace and Tyrone Lietso. Bt incrredible cute and adorable. I see Paul is Pace's performace from PD, which makes me think he's still quite in the running for my heart for things more serous, but at the same time, I haven't seen the man/boy in a month! A month! He hasn't answered his phone or anything. I'm sitting in the middle of a road of attention, attraction and affection [alliterative a...] and not a peep. I tied calling about thirty minutes ago. Maybe he'll call. I hope so. Hell, I want the simplicity of a kiss. I want and crave contact. So many people, so close and yet oh so terribly far.

Like aways, I know what I want, but differently, I have potential venues, but won't go for any of them. I was fine, when I almost had someone, now? Ha! I'm back to just plain needing someone. I need something to guide my attention, to help motivate me. For whatever reason I've actually made the Fourth of July into something important and want someone to spend the night with. I normally couldn't give a rat's ass for the damn day, but apparently in my vulnerable state I want someone. Last week I was distracted, as with the week before, but now, it's me and only me.

This is an island that sucks. Maybe someone will actually call. The Ficus might, but that's not as pressing to me as pretty much anyone else calling. I want attention. I want to be loved. I want to be romantically loved. Hell, I know plenty of people on this stupid orb love me, platonically, but I want a romantic relationship. Pining, I'm pining away for most anything.

Aside from my heart, I was feeling a change of pace for a short period f time and going back to science for a degree, but now I'm feeling art again. I'm also feeling not earning a degree and just striking out on my own. Dorien and Miguel keep saying how hard it is, but they haven't done that. They both almost got away, then went crawling back home. I'm not doing that. Love or not, I'm getting out of this crummy state. I'm getting away where all the disturbed girls are. My papa never put his ping-ping in my po-po, but there is something rotten in the Denver of Virginia. And the Denmark too.

Apparenlty, I've stopping caring about who might stumble upon this piece of privacy, and that's well enough. It's here for someone to read, and not just for me to write. I dunno, maybe I'll escape the easiest way I know how, into the tombs of a new book. Well, new, old, re-read, or something I left to be enjoyed at a later date. I dunno, maybe I'm a little inspired from eading the writings of Jonathan Ames who had his writings published, and they were of a varying private nature, personal if nothing else. Maybe it's better to toss life out to the void of it's reality and see who stops and inspects. Maybe something good will come out of it. With my luck, nothing will, but that's also just as well. I always want someone to read these, but at the same time, I seriously want no one to read them.

Jasmine P.

Movie Marathon Dreams...And Men

And so, nothing really special has gone on. I'm currently in the middle of watching my 73rd movie for the year. I understand Donnie Darko a lot better now having watched it with commentary.

I have decided that I much preferred Heath Ledger's performance in Lords of Dogtown than to his performances in both Brokeback Mountian and The Dark Knight. The voice, mannerisms, the character/person. Much more engaging, and a character than one can like more.

I have also thought of a nice little connector for my movies, but I don't have some of them, so I'm more in the middle of the connector than the beginning. If I were to do that, I'd start with Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild, Milk then Dogtown which would segue into Ledger, then after that Brokeback which would lead into Donnie Darko then Zodiac then any friggin Downey movie I could think of to tickle my fancy. That would be a sweet marathon set up.

On another note. Emile Hirsch is a total friggin' cutie, and I'd love to tell him that to his face. Hell, it's not often that I en up fancying a actor anywhere near my own age, that little piece of bombshell is 24. Very attractive, I tells ya.

Another attractive gent is this dude from fencing club. I won' go into details...or hell..this is my journal, and after going into detail about my surgery, I can be as fucking personal as I damned well please. The gent in question is Paul. Not often at practice, but way too fun to tease when he is there. But I also think that's the basis for the attraction. So easily flustered, but that's also what I try to do at times, just plain make him flustered. I think I do it because I crush on him a little. I dunno, maybe if he's at practice on the 28th I'll tell him I think he's cute.

I have decided that Jake Gyllenhaal has an adorable smile. I think that's what I end up liking the most about dides, their smile. Their personality, of course, but their smiles. Mouths apparently.

I've always thoguht I was an eye person, but I love ot smile, so I probably like seeing someone who knows how to smile myself. Makes for a good personality, and good spirits with proper smiling. I dunno. I've waxed on why I liked Ledger in Dogtown but that chatacter ezperienced such a wide array of emotions and such a downfall that he was much mroe interesting. Granted the emotional waves that occurr during Brokeback, but it was still something different and much more intriguing.

I like me some men, but I've never had one. It's a pipedream that doesn't seem as if it'll ever come to fruition. I guess pipedreams don't some to fruition, that's what they're called pipedreams. But the problem is I can't see my future. Normally see something. Well, I do see me moving out to California after graduation. Maybe some part of my dream will come true then.

That would be fun. Having any sort of change onthe relationship front would be pretty alright. From where I'm sitting, it would be a change for the better. Portnetioanlly. Then again, I guess I'm saying I'm not entierly happy with my life where it is.

That's also me saying, or thinking I'm depressed. I tend to think about relationships more when I'm feeling depressed or alone. Considering the movies I end up watching sometimes, that doesn't help anything. I'm a lonely frig. That's what I'll be, pretending I'm not.

My depression writing, these journals, are always full of fail. I end up writing about being forlorn or lonely. Doesn't really help anythijng. Time will grant me things I don't have now, and let's hope that somewhere in my future is love.

Bah, any time I think about men, my writing goes to crap. It's so depressed and boring.

And to voice a lament I've voiced before-I wish someone here would choose me. However...I can't wait until I'm more than just a bench warmer of life. Maybe this fall. Heh, I keep pushing my time back further and further. Time is a whore of a mistress. Things you want never last as long as you want them. And things you're waiting for take too long to arrive.

Jasmine P.

Commendable Strengths

I just finished reading the story 'Me and My Shadow' the story of Jason Mewes cleaning up from drugs as told by Kevin Smith. I think both of them were commendable. I know Mewes cleaned up on his own, but Smith was still an inspiration for him. Not so much showing Mewes what he was hurting, but showing Mewes just how much he was still loved, and as he did his soul searching and everything it took for him to get clean, Mewes realized what he really wanted in life, in part to live, but also to spend more time with Smith.

I think Kevin was as commendable as he was for spending time for those long years with Mewes, bailing him out, but accepting him back after ever relapse. Yeah, he was not always in the right in what he did, but it helped, which is more important to a degree. He was strong enough to turn his back, but also supported Mewes and helped in the end, not just as an inspriation and giving him a home, but he never gave up.

I myself, don't know if I could ever go that far. I pray I never have to go that far for someone, and if I ever have to, that I have the strength to do whatever's necessary. I love and support my friends, but I don't know how far I'd go. It is inspiring to see just how far one would go for another. I know one person I might go to such lengths for, but I also hope I never have to. I don't know if I'm that strong.

Jasmine P.

Self-loathing

Its been a long time since I outright hated myself or how I acted. Today was one of those days, one of those times. While I was out Elizabeth called to tell me she was too afraid to move off campus. I have made my resolution that I'm not living on campus anymore. I want to move on, but I was hoping to live with her. My motivation is I want to live with my own rules and not with people I disliked. I'm tired of having to share my living space with people I barely know and don't like, so I guess it works out. I mean, I've know for a long time that the only person I can truly rely on is myself, so I guess it's down to me a wee bit sooner than I thought, but it's what I want. I was a little annoyed and stress. I was annoyed because Elizabeth is so afraid of moving on. I'm trying to break my tethers, I'm fighting to be independent. I'm trying to grow up and she's too afraid of the outside world to be able to make the jump.

I'm a resolute person, I want to as close to the final say in my life as possible. She's not ready for that type of responsibility, I'm ready to try, to prove to the world that I'm an adult in my own right, or to try for it. She can't do that, I was upset that my friend whom I thought could make the trip into proving to the world that she was an adult too was unable to do it. I showed I was upset the way I always have. I cried. I sat in a chair in the middle of a Uni of Mary&Wash gym crying, I tried to sink into music, but I had friends to distract me which was both good and bad. I waxed on it a bit and explained how I was feeling, slightly betrayed, but how I need to move on. Living on campus is holding me back and I need more in my life that I'm in control of, so it's time for me to move on.

So, not too long after I've barely picked up the pieces of me and put myself back together and was almost back to being the strong Jasmine that I show the world I was broken by something as stupid as mushrooms being on my burger at Cheeburger Cheeburger. Nothing tastes as good when you're upset, and I was still upset for another ten minutes. I hated myself. Seriously. To a degree, I hated myself. I hate it when I cry and when I can't get back into control of myself.

Eventually when we were just about done I had calmed myself down, then I spent about ten minutes alone in the Barnes and Noble. I felt much better, then I had to apologize to Ian and AJ because I didn't like how I had acted, but I never like it when I cry especially not when I don't have the chance to sit on my own and get my mind straight. Now, a few hours past, and having written it out and apologized to everyone, except Tristan mostly because I don't know him on facebook, I'm feeling better. I'm back in control of my emotions and I think I can handle things now.

I can nw find a place of my own and be happy. A nice one person apartment, not in some fucking house, but a real apartment, and I'll make my own rules and I'll be happy. Things will be better for me, because I declared it how. Fucking seriously.

Jasmine P.

Movie and Medical Madness

So, it's been a short period of time and I have a small window of writing ability ot take care of a bit of story telling about my last few days. I blame typos on my little medi-collada I took five minutes prior to attempting to write this.

I spent last weekend hanging with Alex, that was awesome, per usual, and we watched a whole mess of awesome movies, which was pretty sweet. We caught Watchmen, which I enjoyed thuroughly. I made it home on Sunday and spent a few days there before my surgery on Thursday morning. Nothing special happened at home, but I was in a whole mess of pain. That I do remember.

Wendesday Dorien and I drove down to Norfolk. We went to Moe's for a late lunch. We sat around the apartment for a while and I took a nap before eating my last pre-op meal around 9 that night. I didn't consume anything after 10:30/11. I went to bed not too long before midnight. I slept like shit because I didn't take any tylenol. Woke up a few times during the night, and dreamt that my surgery would have to be pushed back because I kept forgetting I couldn't eat, and would eat stuff.

I woke up around 7:44am and got ready. I left the old bandages, but changed the ones from the groin area because those were straight up foul, and not taped to me, like the ones under my arms. Dad got here literally right when we were going to leave and I got to the hospital around 9:47, when they were calling me to make sure I was on my way. I checked in and we hung out in the waiting room until about...10:15 then I left the fam. and headed for pre-op. I got an IV placed in my left hand, and changed into a gown. I was nervous, but tried not to be, I was also cold and said as much.

From the pre-op I was asked a variety of health related questions such as the likelyhood of my being pregant and the last time I had imbibed anything from food, to booze to cigarettes and the frequency. I answered truthfully, not reason not to. Well, aside from how much tylenol I took, that I lied about.

Dr. Reed came in during the second round of the questions and marked me up with a purple pen so they knew where they were going to cut and what not. That was interesting. Mildly awkward...thankfully only mildly. I saw Dorien and Dad one last time, Miguel didn't arrive until I was in my 24hour post op room. I got wheeled into the operation room. It was cold in there, they gave me some warm blankets and had me slide from the first bed to the operation bed. That was a skinny little bed. I laid on it and I think they ran something through IV I think. I remember them putting the mask over my face, the air in it was cold. I was out and I have been told that the surgery went fine. I feel fine two days later.

I remember waking up in the recovery room. It was cold there, and somehow between the surgical studio and the recovery room my IV fell out, so tehy had to try to give me another. I was fine with the first few attempts, but by the 5th attempt to give me an IV from torunaquette all the way to them stabbing me and failing I was getting annoyed and whiney and fidgity. I told them I was cold and after tehy warmed me up a bit they were able to get an Iv into me, in my left arm. And at one point they tried my foot. That one annoyed me. My friggin' foot. I got a few doses of morphine, that was sweet. No pain, and I wanted to sleep.

Terry, my man nurse, kept telling me to breath deeper, I have a penchant for shallow breathing apparently. He was also awesome and gave me some ice chips and apple juice after I was out of surgery for a few hours. He asked me how tolerable my pain was. At it's worst I was only at 6, and at the best in the recovery room I was at about 2. He also got me a bedpan. That was pretty embarassing and awkward, trying to use a bed pan. I was sure that I had peed in the bed and not in the bedpan, but I had to pee. I had to pee a lot.

I was moved form the recovery room to the post-op 24 hour stay around 5 or 6. I was in the room for a few minutes before Dad, Pattie and Dorien got there. I told them about the IV and how I was feeling. I made it to the bathroom again at some point, and I did have fun telling Dad to close his eyes or what not when the doctor's were looking at the bandages or when I went to the bathroom.

Oh, aside from Dr. Reed remember me and the fact that I fenced, my post op doctor I met back in September, Dr. Noorbakhsh also remembered me and my fencing. Weird, seriously. He was nice still, so my stay in thehospital was bearble. I slept terribly that night, and that it the conclusion of the story for now. My next post will tackle Friday and Saturday which will recant my being doped on pain killers and watching TV and trying to type and do things on the computer. Nothing too crazy, but I do want to remember this time, and this is on the internet for the fuck of it. It's not so personal that I need to save it to my HD, and if you think it is, fuck off and find something else to read.

Jasmine P.

On January and February 2009

Well, it's been a nie long while since I've taken any decent documentation of my life, or have written my rants and responses to muhc of anything. I think I posted on about R. Rodriguez, and just yesterday there was a letter to Kevin Smith, but nothing that will really remind me of what these past few months have been like. I have a few small things written on LJ, but nothing really major or interesting. Well a few things have happened, but I'm not at liberty to post it here, but that will be taken care of being written somewhere, but not on the internet. It was awkward to begin with and it's in my best interest to not have it wherever on the internet. I mean, I can reveal any of my own secrets, but other people's business to a degree, but we'll get to that when we get to February.

January.

2009 started up in Reston, VA, like most of my years. I just hung out with Dorien and we watched Burn After Reading, which I had purchased not too long prior to ringing in the New Year. That was an interesting movie, over all I liked it, but I'm not entirely sure why. I know I didn't do much for the beginning of January. Early in January I rocked out to Sin City a whole bunch. Seriously. I friggin' love that movie so it was a great way to break off 2009. I reember spending most of my time on my own, but that's the case when I'm back home.

January was when I'd run out of Vicodin and was in pretty extreme amounts of pain. That pain is from Hippastrum something, a bacteria that gets into your pores. It like a warm damp environment, such as the groin and the arm pit. I have it in both locations, I guess I'll thre beause it's under both arms. I mostly talk about ht eones under my arms, but that's because it's that muhc less awkways, and I highly doubt people want ot know about my fucked up twat. I mean, it's like a fucking asteroid down there, craters and shit. It's fucking gross. Yeah, this is my journal for my shit. If you don't like it then you can suck it. I haven't spoken about it because the ones on my arms do enouhg to slow a conversation that I don't need to talk about my groin, even if those are the ones that are the most bothersome at the moment. But back to january, I decided to use my Twitter to remind me a bit about what has gone on. This section of the rant was inspired by my comments on the effects of Tylenol Pm and my being in pain. I've been in almost constant pain for the past 8 months, and thankfully that will be coming to an end soon, but that will be spoken about at length in February. I'll add this last point, healing sucks, I'm itchy as all fuck.

So, January. I lived on the couch and colored two pictures and a comic. One is about Icarus and Leopold and I titled it 'Pink Lemonade' because of the background and boarder colors. I was mostly messing around, but I do like the over all and I really like the composition. I wish Icky was more in character, but I like the picture none the less. The second was one of Alexis, Daisuke and Aryan. A similar composition for all three, but keeping the colors was clashing was so friggin' irritating. Eahc character has their own scheme, then their background couldn't be too similar to eachother's back grounds, but couln't clash with their personal color schemes, and I didn't want the colors to be too similar. This one the characters are muhc mor ein character, even is Alexis isn't wearing her normal traveling garb, it still work quite nicely. And her abs are dead sexy here. I also finally finished the Christmas gift comic I drew for Za, CR and Sean, I just never made them their prints, but they have each seen the comic, which is well enough.

That is how I spent most of early January. I also started my big Movie List of 2009 and the less dramatic Big Book List of 2009. As of this writing I've watched 31 movies, probably about 26 different flicks. That's been prettty sweet. It's just that it seems to me that all I do is watch movies, so I might as well know what I spent my year watching. It'll also be an interesting wat to keep track of my varying interests, and at the end of the year to see what has influenced changes in my movie viewing pleasure. In Jnuary I was highly taken by Sin City. That started a Robert Rodriguez kick so I finally bought El Mariachi, his first movie and loved it to pieces and had to buy more of his movies. I know own many of the movies he's directed. But back to January. When I wasn't watching movies, I was watching House. Seriously, all I did over break was watch USA and the Food Network with a little bit of other in between. And some B:TAS, one seasn left to watch, I was thinking about over Spring Break, I dunno.

I'm supposed to hang out with the Ficus before leaving Nrofolk to drive back here and not see him unti some undetermined time, which has ended up being next weekend. Woot woot. But he decided to eat at the Wendy's back home. I schooled him, told him it was built on sketch and disease, because that Wendy's was, is. The end of my Winter Break wasn't that climatic, but I did spend my last days relaxing, which is pretty awesome.

I make my way back to campus and spend more time that I'd like alone. I have been and I think that plus my English class has started this littlemountian of writing and inspiration to write. I just haven't given into it until now.

My first day of classes isn't terrible and neither is my second day. I decided to roll all my spare change which is sweet becase it adds up to $40, so I have some extra spending change and extra money is always awesome. I hit up the Phoenix movie theater, the one by the Naval Base and watch Valkyrie. That was an interesting movie, and I was sad when they failed to kill Hitler. The characters were so fucking earnest. that made them likable and adorable. They were so honest in their desire to dethrone Hitler in a coup that when they fail I forgot that historically Hitler committed suicide. That made me think and maybe write a little. Somewhere.

My first week was ineventful. The second week things kick off early with my laptop catching some bitch of a virus. That was hell, and I slowly learn that Logic and Philosophy was a stupid class choice. Hmm, actually, remember time better, my computer got the virus on thef irst Tuesday of the semester which I was rolling my money so going out also doubled as something to do until I got it back two days later. Thankfully, his hard drive was intact from that little circle of hell.

I spend January going to classes and at some point I loose the Club election of President. Over winter Break Jason realised that being a captain and president was a ahll of a position to be in and resigned form being President. Glenn was elected into his position and I was elected to be Vice President, and have spent most of my club time for the past few weeks shadowing whatever Glenn's needed to do for the Club and taking care of things that he has hasn't been able to make for some reason or another.

Nothing really special happens for the rest of January, I don't think. Twitter for the verification. Ahh, I remember this now. I started smoking a little the night I went to see Vaklyrie. Part of it was I missed how relaxful break was and the few cigs I had with the Ficus, so I bought a pack I still have like half of it because it's usually too goddam cold out there to stand around for ten minutes smoking. I like my hands thank you very much.

Around the end of January a few upper classmen started chatting with me up in Borjo because I was reading Brenner's book and they're logic majors or some bull shit. They are interesting to chat with. A few really sweet OSTs came into my possession at thi time. That was pretty awesome. Sin City, Darjeeling Limited, No Reservations. All three have their own bit of special and sex.

I lost Onyx on Inauguration Day, and haven't found him since and hope I find him by the end of the semester when I'm moving out.

BEfore January was over I saw Defiance with Glenn and Dan F. that was interesting, but Glenn was his usually distracting self, but the experience wouldn't be the same if he hasn't been like that. I accept it, but will still totaly hit him at the time for it.

There was a litt bit of internet drama that I successfully broke up. That was cool. I got back into the Pan RPG. That's where the drama was. Well, that and the club drama.

Ooh, my weekend with no caffeine was back in January. Bad weekend. that's when my parking permit disappeared and I almost got hit by a car.

February.

So I've written about the car incident a few times, but don't feel like going into it anymore, it was a bitch. The first weel of February was a little slow. I made my first maradaide from scratch this weekend, and watched Zack and Miri which started me on Kevin Smith. Nothing realy big happened. More movies and soundtracks.

I got my phone replaced. The last was was bieng a glitchy shit, and Miguel still had him instinct, so he mailed that to me. Freak'in awesome.

Hmm, Feb 13 I hang out with ian and Nicole and we spend the evnign getting drunk. Well, Nicle is more drunk than Ian or myself, and I'm way more drunk than Ian is, but I remember the big things. We played a few drinking games and watched futurama and Grandma's Boy. There was pletny of stupid conversation to go around. We decide to all go to bed at 5 and all pretty much stay up until about 7. I don't sleep except for in hour incriments so I give up and read until the other two wake up then I sober up and we all chat. I drive out to the wal-mart down Little Creek to buy some gatorade because on the 15th I drive out to UVa for a tournament.

The Tournament was Diana's first and she killed in her poor snad placed 13 out of 16 from the pools It was awesome. Mackenzie had a slow morning but owned her second poor and attacked on to victory in her first DE where she was last seed and beat the top seed. Casey had a bad morning all morning. That drive was a bitch but I made it. God, I'm ready to go to bed, so sometime after sleeping I'll wrap up February in a different journal and my not too interesting little tale will some it its pretty dull end.

Jasmine P.

Mr. Smith

Kevin Smith,
It is apparently imperative that I write a letter you will most likely never see. If I in fact leave my waning sanity and send it to you, this line would be kept in because that's how I roll.
To being, let's put something in perspective, you graduated high school the year I was born.
Now that that's out of the way, to the meat and potatoes of this little little bit of verbose lovefest. I seriously loved Clerks. The second time I tried to watch it. Funny thin is it's been about two months since the first time I tried to watch it, but something wasn't right with me. I loved the cartoon and had to see where it all stemmed from, and finally after readng Silent Bob Speaks and after watching Robert Rodriguez's first couple of movies I had a better appreciation for 1) modern black and white film and 2) something as box destroying as Clerks.
I have spent the past month of January loving El Mariachi, Desperados, From Dusk Till dawn, Four Rooms and The Faculty and I read his book Rebel Without A Crew which put a whole new perspective in my mind about smaller budgeted films that legally there was no way I was seeing when they came out.
What I have decided I have to say to you is that I have spent my entire evening watching Clerks, about 4 times, and most of the special features from the Tenth anniversary collection that I rented from an independent movie rental place near my college campus. I loved the writing. I loved seeing words that most people don't see much too much further than outside of an English class room or in a dictionary when they're looking for dirty words. The rifts between the characters were hella realistic. That's not near how I talk with my friends, but we can and have gotten into conversations, deep conversations on such a variety of topics that how serious they were when they were talking about the most trite of subjects was one of the things that made it special.
Every group of friends has their topic[s]. It was an interesting peek inside your world, well, the world you lived in when you were about my age [you old fuck :)]and it is always nice to see that the youth of the world do have the love of a good conversation or debate, no matter what age they are. Here, it's that awkward stage between being an adult and being a child. I mean, in my eyes right now, I don't usually think of myself as an adult, and I don't can, truly call myself a child.
What this movie has done was inspire me to take my writing mroe seriously. I don't really want to write for a movie, but like many non-famous people I am interested in meeting some celebs. I'm much more interested in getting my own comic drawn and published, or to become a world reknown botanist. Those are things that make me happy. Comics and plants. What was the point of that, note sure, these things are mostly rants to tell the truth.
I loved Clerks and when I have the chance I'm renting the rest of the flicks from the Askewniverse. It seems to be an interesting place to visit every now and again. I know the rest won't be like Clerks, but I'm sure I'll fall in love with each of them for different reasons.
And another point, I loved Zack and Miri Make a Porno. That was the most interesting romantic comedy I've ever seen. The characters did seem to be the most real and they didn't follow the stereotypic relationship arc as in most romantic comedys. And the set up that they've known eachother for just about the entireity of their lives and they live together is a great set up for why they never slept together themselves. I loved what you did with the characters, everybody. Everything fit into the rules of the world. Every movie world has it's own set of rules, and the rules for Z&M were engaging and awesome.

Jasmine P.

Talent

I'm rubbing my back here for this, but my writing has time after time amazing and surprised me with just how well written things may be, or just how I say things.

The first time I noticed this was when I was proving some point for another and referenced my Flintstone Syndrome journal that I wrote last June or July. I was seriously stopped in my tracks when I read it. The writing surprised me because it was written at a level different from where I was. I mean, I know I'm a good writer, but I never re-read my work aside from a quick skim for major typos or grammatical brouhaha, but I never notice anything like this. I actually had to finish the journal just because I liked what I'd written so much.

I've been thinking about this for about a week off and on, and today I had another of those moments. It was one of those memes that's like '15 things about you' and i said "Death is the ultimate spoiler. Tell me how I'll die and I'll tell you how I'll live"

That just seemed like a poignant message. It was something written in the blink of an eye before, but now, it seems to have that much more weight to it. I don't know how, but I think it's an interesting display of my strength that I don't always feel. Seeing it so blatantly in front of my eyes, it's no wonder that I scare people. Now I seriously need to find someone who can compete with that strength. Match it as a perfect foil, keep it in check.

I dunno. I'm a mite distracted, and I got most of my point here. But this brings up another point of my journals. Some of them are incredibly unfullfilling because I end them when I lose focus. It's like running into a brick wall. But I also know that when I can't focus on them properly, the over all tone changes and then they become both a drag to read and a drag to write.

Anywho, I'll be back here...some other time. I finally have things to write, like about yesterday's tournament, but not now. I should start my paper before the night is over.

Jasmine P.

Do Unto Others As You Would Want Them To Do Unto You

I haven't properly written anything out in a while, more than a month really. Well, I think there's one or two things on LJ or Facebook but ehh, those two journals don't get the same treatment as over here does. Twitter gets the truth most often, the deepest parts of my soul in only 160 characters. Well, 140, but 160 in a text, but that's neither here nor there.

I've figured out and decided that I'm at a major cross roads in my life and I've been here for a while. How long I cann0t tell but things are different. some times I'm a lot happier than I've been in a while, other times I'm somewhat listless and my attention span has been nowhere serious for the past few days. I think it's partially a very mild depression but I'm still moving away from where i used to be. i mean, this time last year I was crazed and ready to get the hell out of dodge. And I think a very little mite suicidal. I assume I'm true about that last assumption. i don't like that thought one little bit, but it might be a small part of my truth about life.

Considering I've spent so much time alone I've had a lot to think about without other people getting in the way. Apparently Firefox can't spell check anymore. fucking whore. blargle ggj ...joy. Back to the point, my technological assistance is apparently temporarily out, maybe because this window's been open for a while, and now I just plain have an internet error, joy.

Back to my life. Now, there are two guys who are apparently vying for attention in my mind. One of them works at Borjo and I know I won't say a damned thing to him, and i think he's in a relationship anyway. Okay, this is annoying. Time to refresh the fucking window. There, it's fixed, but back to the point, once more. The other guy I've never said a word to, but he does intrigue me and I do want to say something. Mostly tell him his hat is bitching, but even that apparently sends me a twitter and makes me confused and like an annoying girl. Interacting wiht strangers is quite annoying and American society does not make it any easier. Great, it's crapped out once more. Fuck you ODU internet. Yeah, I wish this were more of a spur of the moment thing and not something I've been thinking about saying all semester. I'm a weird one. Chance are I'll say this, then it'll be another person on my 'hi-bye' roster of acquaintances. No big deal.

On to more stupidity that's been running through my head. I am currently obsessing of the TV show Psych. I think a rabid obsession has been missing from my life. I haven't really been focused on anything for a while and even with my faulty attention span from the past few days, I have been enjoying the show and the commentary and have tried to draw James Roday and Dule Hill. James is much more of a challenge, and he is now on my list of actors it would be bitching to meet. Well included in this list is the even awesome RDJ, Johnny Depp, and Morgan Freeman to remind myself of a few of the celebs I would love to meet. Hell, I would love to film an episode of Psych. 'Guest starring a random fan!' Bomb diggity.

I don't know where I'm going right now and I think that's why I had to spend some time alone, so I could get a proper handle on myself and what I need. I don't know how to fix me and getting a boyfriend is a bit of a pipe dream still. Pipe dream territory is never fun.

Now's not the time for my to do my big 'it's the end of the year' thing. I kind of did that for my birthday when I said 'i'm not dead yet' but maybe this time I'll wait until January and just have my big 'changing of the year' thing ring in the next year instead of shutting down the old one. God, this new mp3 player recharges is no time. From no batter to almost full in about 45min. Gold.

I'm sure this has accomplished something important to me, but I'm not sure of what it is quite yet. The point is to be theraputic and I'm not sure how useful this one was. Probably more than I realize at this moment, but it's not as useful as my last conversation with Alex. But nothingis near as useful as any of those, except for face-to-face interaction.

Jasmine P.

Change

To fill in the blanks from the beginning, if for nothing, my terrible memory. On Monday, I decided to ask this guy out. His response is 'maybe' then we talk about other things. We happen to not see each other until Wednesday night, when he agrees to try going out with me. I'm happy, but things between us don't seem any different, in any way shape or form. This is what happens upon question him. [originally a letter to Za]

Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.

I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.

Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.

I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.

I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.

In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.

I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.

Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.

-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.

Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

This reminds me of what I wrote up here last year, looking for love, finding one and not going ahead with anything. [[throwback]] But based off of certain circumstances, instances, rather, this might be more successful if anything is said. Maybe I should practice saying something, in my head as least. I kind of like skipping the whole confession part of everything and image being in a relationship.

Things of interest, he does seem to hyper-focus on me sometimes when we're together or with other people. In a weird way I do the exact opposite, avoid eye-contact and what not because then I start thinking stupid things or focusing too much until I'm too nervous to act normal.

Jack Johnson is the best and worst thing at the moment.

I don't want to be the one to start things, but I also don't want to be in this awkward limbo anymore. I'd love ANY little sign that this is requited love and not unrequited.

I need to write about something other than my lack there of of a relationship with this person. Fuck all! Heh, for as outgoing as I normally am I can't just take control of this. I need to stop protecting me and go out on a limb for once, it would do me a hell of a lot of good if I did. Is is so hard to want any little obvious sign. The most obvious I can notice is how often we hang out, but that doens't count for anything. Unless something happens, we'll fall into the friendship rut and nothig will change.ell, i damn near want Za to push me into him ro something retarded. That would be better than fuck near nothing. I know things aren't like movies, but sometimes I want the ease or confidance of getting into a relationship that people seem to always have in movies.

Hopefully I'll have something more substantial to write here soon. I'm tired of re-writingt he same things, but sadly these same things are on my mind all the time.

Jasmine P.