Talent

I'm rubbing my back here for this, but my writing has time after time amazing and surprised me with just how well written things may be, or just how I say things.

The first time I noticed this was when I was proving some point for another and referenced my Flintstone Syndrome journal that I wrote last June or July. I was seriously stopped in my tracks when I read it. The writing surprised me because it was written at a level different from where I was. I mean, I know I'm a good writer, but I never re-read my work aside from a quick skim for major typos or grammatical brouhaha, but I never notice anything like this. I actually had to finish the journal just because I liked what I'd written so much.

I've been thinking about this for about a week off and on, and today I had another of those moments. It was one of those memes that's like '15 things about you' and i said "Death is the ultimate spoiler. Tell me how I'll die and I'll tell you how I'll live"

That just seemed like a poignant message. It was something written in the blink of an eye before, but now, it seems to have that much more weight to it. I don't know how, but I think it's an interesting display of my strength that I don't always feel. Seeing it so blatantly in front of my eyes, it's no wonder that I scare people. Now I seriously need to find someone who can compete with that strength. Match it as a perfect foil, keep it in check.

I dunno. I'm a mite distracted, and I got most of my point here. But this brings up another point of my journals. Some of them are incredibly unfullfilling because I end them when I lose focus. It's like running into a brick wall. But I also know that when I can't focus on them properly, the over all tone changes and then they become both a drag to read and a drag to write.

Anywho, I'll be back here...some other time. I finally have things to write, like about yesterday's tournament, but not now. I should start my paper before the night is over.

Jasmine P.

Me and Religion

This was written around midnight, so ten hours ago.

After looking at my friend's note and some of the comments, most of us commentators decided to avoided his God issue. That made me think about my relationship with religion.

I say I believe in the bible and God and am Christian. It's how I was raised and it's something I decided to accept and not question. It's something I still don't really question and I have my stances on aspects of religion and my relationship with it, but then I wonder, am I truly a spiritually driven person. No, not really. I curse, drink, talk about more than abstinence even though I practice it, but I don't have biblical reasons, more logical reasons.

I'm 'abstinent' because I've had no real reason to not be. No boyfriend and I'm not going to get laid just because everyone else it. I am so reverse peer-pressure sometimes it's ridiculous.

I like some alcohol, but at the same time i'm not trying to straight up kill my liver so. :shrug: I find profanity to just be words to express anger so they have no special meaning. At the same time, I'm not trying to teach my sister how to curse, so I don't curse around her.

As for me and religion. I don't like to argue the topic with people and then I wonder how often I seek God for things and I really don't. I don't know if I exactly believe in a God, but I do accept that there is something greater than humanity out there and that things happen for a reason. I can never guess as to what the reasons may be, but I figure there's something keeping me alive my keeping me out of certain situations. At the same time, I don't go to church and I pray when I think I should, like when I'm in trouble. I figured I'd go back to church on the regular once I was done with college, but at the same time I don't know why I'd be going. Because I wanted to be in church, or because I would feel like it's what others would be wanting for me.

If I think about it, I really don't know how I feel about my interaction with religion. I don't have much conviction for things I do nor why. Why I help others without thinking about it. Why I don't help others. I just accept my first reaction for life and try not to question my motives, but at the same time I do wonder 'why' and I wonder if I'm doing the right things in my life. I try to just life and be a god person by my own moral standards, but then when do I need religion to judge me.

Religion condemns the profane, the charlatan, the scientist. I accept each for the fact they are people first. I may disagree with them, but I let others keep their own opinions because I figure they're just as entitled to their own beliefs and opinions as I am of my own.

I guess I might have just been trying to get to the conclusion that I think there's something out there, greater than humanity so I don't need other people to sell me that idea, or try to prove it to me. I just need people to accept me for me and try not to label my motives.

Or I needed to try to figure out how religion fits into my life and still have no answers.

And a commented response to continue:

Christian values were instilled in me, but it was still my mom took me to church more so than i went to church. I'm also not that pressed. I can open a bible and interpret it myself if i need guidance, or I go to different people seeking advice and figure out which makes the most sense.

I know and accept I do biblically wrong things, but I'm also only trying to make the best of it with what I have, and I figure that's the best any person can strive for.

But that's also following the belief that there's a heaven. The scientist in me desires proof, so I figure I try not to be too bad of a person for general purposes [gp] and it keeps me happier. I still don't know exactly what I was looking for with this rant.

Jasmine P.

Two Halves of Something Broken

Two Halves of a Whole.

Something broken, this is actually at a perspective, so the smaller piece is smaller on purpose. But there is a purpose to this.

My point is, I'm tired of my social situation changing so drastically every time it does. I'm tired of rebounding back and forth from being independent to being dependent on others. I can stand on my own, and I can lean on another's shoulder, but I'm tired of being forced to do one or the other over and over again. Every time I learn to live with myself I'm thrown into a situation where there are others who tolerate and accept me. I'm around people who don't ask anything other than me. They they let me trust them, until we're forced apart, then I'm alone and have forgotten how to deal with anything anymore.

There's nothing wrong with my desire for stability, so why don't I have any? Have I don't something to be punished to not be allowed to have any real consistent presence in my life that I trust and whom trusts me. This person doesn't even need to be a boyfriend, a significant other. They just need to be reliable. I need someone to be reliable when we're together and when we're apart.

Is it weird that when I'm alone I'm both incredibly solitary, not wanting to be anywhere near nor around others, but I'm also quite clingy, wanted to be near certain people? That's why I am the way I am when I can finally be not alone anymore. I'm like a man in the desert who'se come across and oasis. I lavish in the attention I can now get and give. I'm a selfish son of a bitch so my receiving and giving of attention in a weird way involve my sharing my new artwork with people. I like hearing from others that my work is good. That doesn't quite mean much because none of them draw. But that doesn't mean I don't not like hearing it. I love giving attention to others in my own obsessive way. I love giving attention in a physical manner, hugging, touching or in general being around some one else, others. That's how I give attention when I don't always listen properly. I focus, observe watch. That's how I give attention, that's how I give as much as and what I get.

My broken heart is cause by many people. Too many to list here, too many to list for myself. IT's quote sad though that Just about every one I know can be put on that list from one time or another. There is also a reason why I go off on my own when I'm upset. It forces me to think about the situation and it forces me to find a way to fix it. How can I fix something that I didn't break? Something that isn't tangible? Something that is left subject to others to socialize with? What happens is not under my own control, but it's under the control of those around me and it's taken so many 'hits' over the years that everything is an injury on top of a bleeding wound. Nothing is getting better and I don't know how much more I can take before it all collapses. I need something stronger and more consistent that my own strength. One day I'll just cave in on myself under my own weaknesses and I won't be strong enough to get out on my own. Maybe by that day My needed strength will be near and they'll be able to help me out when I won't want to help myself.

I can only pray for that day.
Jasmine P.

Music

I was originally going to transcribe and elaborate on my feelings of privacy, sharing artwork and creations and things that are personal and speak about you on different levels thank actually verbal speaking, but certain things have changed where my train of thought is and i will now shift to music and explaining my relationship with music.

~~

On more than one occasion I have credited my sanity to music, and my friends. I have credited the changes in my emotion to music and I live with music in my ear, a song in my heart, seriously, I always have music somewhere, either internally or externally depending on the situation.

Music is key to me and my emotion my mind. My cousin brought up the fact that I can read while listening to music. He said it would distract him. The music doesn't distract me from what I'm reading so much as it distracts from the world around me. The music puts me into my own cocoon of safety, protection and selfness so I can focus on what I'm setting out to focus on. The Music helps me to internalize my feelings and focus on my work, my book, my art, whatever.

I do use and keep music on for the background. I get wrapped up in it sometimes if I don't know the song and like it, like right now. I'm listening to 'Celos' by the Gotan Project. It's playing on Pandora, it's a song I haven't heard, but it's placid feeling is helping to keep me centered on what I'm trying to be centered in. Music fills in the void for that last part of my mind that is always out to find a new party, a new distraction from reality.

This isn't something easy to describe. I'll start from a beginning. This might also not be the right one for what I'm trying to accomplish at the moment, but it is a beginning that I've thought about.

When I first listen to a song I don't listen to the words. I actually ignore the words, but I listen to the sounds. the sound of the instruments, the sound of the voice[s] just the sound of the what I'm listening to. After the first few listening through then I start to pick out the lyrics, bit by bit. Then I finally listen to both the lyrics, the sound of the artist's voice and the music together as one sound. I don't think about the melding that I do, it just happens, but I do know the first time i heard a song i almost never pay any attention to the lyrics. The lyrics aren't important at that time, the feeling of the song is what i'm listening to, not the story being told.

When I'm depressed I like 'Pillmatic' by Gym Class Heroes because it's music was influenced by jazz, but there is a nice and defined skip beat with the drums throughout the song. The low tones and relaxed tempo set the emotion for the song.

I like techno and dance music when I'm happy because of just how energetic the songs are. The easy to find 4/4 or 2/4 beat make them easy to enjoy. Techno and dance mixes are also great for rising emotions because they just run with everything they've got. They're all over the spectrum of music and they just scream energy and positivity.

Rammsetin is terrific when I'm depressed or angry because that is just how German sounds. It's awesome when I'm depressed because of how certain songs like 'Amour' have a very pleasant lilting that just carries you along with the music. 'Du Hast' and 'Morgenstern' are energetic in ways that can be directed towards anger easily or towards just general emotion and activity.

Music is important because there has always ben music. There will always ben music with my family. Music is something the Three of Us have in common. The Three of Us being my brothers and myself, all have elaborate and far reaching bands and genres of music on our computers. We all love music and if there' anything we can agree on it's that music is important to all three of us. The past three times I was riding long distance in the car with my brothers some old reggae songs came on that we all knew and we sang along. We knew everything about the songs, even the scat singing because we've been listening to the same recordings of the songs for years. YEARS! we've heard these songs and sung along; 'Raggamuffin Love' by Barrington Levy 'liiife, life is what you make it, some come here my dear. just trryyy and make it, i know that you wiill. Raggamuffin-muffin gimmie the raggamuffin ya-ya. and 'Too Experienced' http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/M/msdynamitelyrics/msdynamitetooexperiencedlyrics.htm We know these songs back to front.

Music isn't just the background, it's the foreground, it's everything and at the same time, for me, it's nothing in a song. Music will always be important, it will always be key to my emotions and how i feel. My music doesn't so much as drive my emotions than it follows. However I feel dictates what I will listen to at a given time.

I can't quite remember where I was trying to go, but I'm distracted and hungry. Auf wiedersehen. I'll get back to that jounral about privacy at some point...maybe tomorrow or Sunday...

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Observations

As both an artist and as a scientist my primary objective is to observe the world around me. That is the extent to which these two career paths are similar. As an artist my job is to record the world as I see it. As a scientist my job is to understand why the world is the way it is and possibly to change it for my own personal gain and interest.
The things that I have most enjoyed observing in the world around me is people. Simple and complex interaction between people and the things a person does that they don't think about. It's interesting to categorize or to find similarities between how two people who have never, and may never ever meet.
Diane, a smallish friend of mine has a few interesting similarities to Laurie, another smallish friend of mine. Physically the two of them are about 5'5"/4", slender, barely hitting 100lbs, they both need glasses. Personality and habit wise both of them are easy to get into 'laughing over incredibly dorky things' mode they had a similar laugh. Not in the sound but in the things they do when why laugh or are amused by something. If they think of something funny they have to stop the conversation and share their humor. I was amused when I realized that Diane and Laurie could damn near be the same person, albeit a few key differences in age and blah blah blah but that amused me.
Habits I notice. Whilst talking to Diane I noticed she has a habit of putting her pinky finger underneath her nose when resting her face in her hand. It's like she's giving herself the appearance of having a moustache a random and odd habit she never really notices doing until someone brings it up. I have a habit of stroking my chin as if I had a beard. I notice that I do that, or that I rest my chin in my hand as if I had a beard. Topher, down in Norfolk, has a habit of keeping his hands in motion. One of the simplest ways for him to do this is to continually flip something in his hand against the table. So like a cellphone or a remote it's flipping it, sliding his fingers down the body and flipping once more. This is a habit I also do so I can explain it.
Aside from noticing habits about people I notice physical traits about them. The things I detailed in another journal here, or maybe just as a note on facebook about the things I notice when I draw cartoons of people. Teeth, eyes, common hair styles, the things people wear or the types of things. Back in September CR often wore tee shirts, black sweat pants, and sandals. I often wore gauchos, tees, light jackets, hat. Glenn, most of the time I saw him he was wearing button ups, sometimes jackets, khakis/jeans, dress shoes. Alex apparently now often seems to wear his cap [i don't know the name of the style] Shirt, sport coat, jeans. Nora often wore/wears sweater, green pea coat, jeans and has her green shoulder bag with her.
This journal does have serious inspiration. I'd picked up January's Esquire to read because of an article called 'What I Learned' where they interviewed various celebrities over the course of their lifetimes. it's made up of bits and pieces of quotes and this is the one that sparked my thoughts on observation and observing people, places, things.

"You don't go through the front door of hotels anymore, you go through the garage. Or you go through the kitchen of a restaurant. Some people want to think that's cool, that's exciting. But it'll definitely make you a little weird if you're constantly being stared at. Part of the process that I've always enjoyed is being the observer. Yo know, just watching people and learning. At a certain point, the reversal took place. I was no loner the observer-I was being observed. That's obviously very dangerous because part of an actor's job is to observe" Johnny Depp.

This quote made me think about the fact that I look at the world and I take notes on the world in my head or sometimes actually on paper. It made me think of all the watching I do and the fact that I enjoy watching.
Back in September I told Glenn "I don't go out to eat for the food, but the food is goo, I go out to eat for the conversation." When we're out to eat, It's an excellent time to observe people in a large group. It's easy to focus on the physical, the tangible about a person. Facial expressions, their voice, vocal intonations. When I think about people in my mind they are a combination of the key points to their appearance, [a rough skin tone, they're hair/hat, their clothes and colors] and it's their voice. I have different 'tracks' for everyone, different things they said that I remember. Not always for what they said, but how they said it. I can remember how two different people say the same damn thing, but the differences in their inflections makes it stand out. I can think of both Nick G. and Anthony P. and hears the differences in how both of them say 'Oh yeah'. Nick's more of a slow drawl type of recollection as he then uses this as a segue into another thought or story. Anthony's quicker pondering, then his dismissal of the topic as he makes a joke or moves onto his next thought.
Hell, I can 'hear' how different people say my name, the intonation they use for different emotions or even the motion I tied into when they said something. There's Alex L.'s whiny use of my name as we're both carrying on with some stupid joke and he's whining about whatever we're both going to laugh at. My father's angry use of 'Jaz-MIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEN' when when he'd be mad at me from when I was younger over messing up something or annoying him in any way. Yenec's drawl from when he greets me and Lizabeth at Borjo [which I'm seriously missing at the moment, both Yenec and the coffeehouse]. Mig's use of Jazz from about twenty minutes ago, Glenn's use of Jazz from some time ago. The use of 'Jazz' to get my attention because of how rare it is, and the fact that you have to be allowed to call me most anything other than Jasmine that I won't scowl at. Allison's cheerful response on the phone and many others. These aren't things I think to file away, but they're things that I have.
I observe the world around me to such an extent that it is second nature to file thought about people's habits away in my mind. I also file away how others things and where they stand for conversation. Diane is good for cheering me up and for serious conversation. As are Glenn, CR and Alex. Diane is also great for dirty jokes, and bouncing artistic ideas off of when I need someone to talk dirty with. Lizabeth is good for random girl talk and venting. Glenn is good for venting and certain imaginative contemplations. Eliana is great for random talk. Nora is good for keeping me rooted into the ground and on this Earth, no matter how far out my mind wants to cast. CR is good for silly random fun conversation and for serious conversation, well, he kicks ass at listening when I try to think through things.
I don't know where I'm going or where I went anymore. The basic thing is I like to observe people and there are different aspects that I observe and retain.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.