What Makes A Home?

To follow up what has been mentioned to a minute degree in this journal I don't feel at home here in Reston anymore. I don't know if it's because my mother is gone, or what but my brothers don't really make me feel welcome in my own house. Technically 1/3 of this house is mine, but I damn near don't want it. I am aggravated here and the past two times I've been home I spent most of my time out driving elsewhere or trying to not be in the house at all. Things keep changing and I seem to have little to no say in it. I seem to not have any say in this house and I rarely talk to my brothers. It's maybe once every two weeks, which is pretty crappy. They don't instigate contact with me either, we've become very disconnected and I seem to be on an island of my own all alone up here. I think I know what I want to do, but I need some time to seriously think about it and to talk to my friends to try to get a little bit of advise before I tell my brothers my plan.

I think I just need to straight up move out of here. They don't like spending 6 hours in a car to get me, and we don't really spend that much time together and they don't really try to figure out that I've been up to or what I do down there. I'm not moving in with my father because that would be hell. He has no say over what I do because I am an independent, dependent on no one but myself, and those who I seek out for advise. I'm not being told what to do or when. I'm not getting a curfew or any of that bullshit, and especially not from him because he's never tried before and he can't tame me. He could tame Patricia Ruth [Hall] Pinales and he sure and fuck won't be able to tame Jasmine Y. Pinales.

My great escape plan is to get an apartment down in the Norfolk area. I can maybe just afford room & board and utilities. I'd need a job first, so I need to get that secure before I go out to rent something. I also need someone to live with and the car. This is not fair that I'm not allowed to have a fucking car! I want my damn Elantra, or you two bastard better fucking trade in that damned Buick and give me the 'new' car! I swear, it's not fair!

I'm too annoyed to sign off with my usual dismissal so I will end on this note:

I'm tired of being alone.

Hmm, Well, that opened up me to review my concept of 'alone'. I think it has most often just be a more emotion type of solitude that I am disagreeing wiht not a physical one. I think that is why phone conversations have been useful because they keep me from having to deal with my emotions alone by talking to someone. I've spoken to two people about the solution to my dilemma and they both think I should go through with this, but I want to get the opinion of a few other people, and I need to check out just what I'll be able to afford if I go through with that.

But to my concept of being alone. There are specific people with whom I feel the most comfortable talking to when I'm stressed or depressed.

Elizabeth because she's very calm and will accept just how far my emotions will rage and try to calm me back down to my usual calm demeanor. It takes a bit to get her seriously riled up which helps when my emotions take violent turns and are flung out of my periodic fragile grasp. She listens and tries, even against my pessimistic tendencies of depression to get me to try things...even if I don't always listen having someone else tell me something I've already thought of cements it into my mind so I know I'll have to act on it at some point of time.

Glenn because he listens and gives intelligent responses when I need that type of thing. It seems to take a fair bit of aggravation to ruffle his feathers which means I can throw the more extreme thoughts and he'll respond in a way that'll make me think and forcing me to slow down and think brings me back to where I need to be. He listens to be vent and even when he doesn't have a good response he'll just listen and try to cheer me up.

C.R. because he listens and once more very sympathetically tries to calm me back down and succeeds a it =D His calm demeanor and silly responses throw me off track which distracts me form what angers me. The pure simplicity of his responses throw me for a loop and that makes me think through what upset me so I can find someway to fix it. He doesn't mind any thought I throw which is useful because I have a tendency to rant and ramble so being able just to talk and have those unpredictable changes to where my thoughts flow is quite useful.

Alex because he just listens and calmly responds. He responds to my more extravagant ponders in ways that amuse me. He is able to calmly look at the cards I lay before him and organize the important ones and help me to get rid of the ones that need to be gotten rid of. He's trust worthy...except for answering his phone kind of...and calling back. He fails at that, but other than that, I trust him with damn near any thought in my head. Hell, he even listened to me explain one of my more ..interesting story ideas...one that I want to seriously go back to at some point

There you have it, the people who work best at helping me get back to where I need to be to not lose my mind in the extremes of anything. Well, not so much 'anything' just the things they each hear. Everyone is important to me, but this people more so, in a way...Just trust me when I say that without them I wouldn't be the person I am because I've needed many hands to get out that the vicious valleys that make up my depression. Those slopes are easy to not notice as I slide down them, but they're a bitch to climb back up without a few helping hands. These hands are just the ones that helped the most.

I'm noticing a pattern with the people I trust the most. They're calm and they are all excellent at bringing me back to where I need to be psychologically.

Well, that was two journals all in one post...I feel better and the usual conclusion remains I guess. More to come later.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.