(Potential) Existential Crisis

About an hour or so ago on Twitter I declared that 'I crave chaos' and not too much longer ago I said 'how existential is it to acknowledge that you have no existential thoughts? I had nothing meaningful to say today which sparked the question" then "A part of me thinks that craving chaos means that I'm seeking existential thought."

All in all I really don't know where I'm going with this train of thought. In a way I think I'm having some sort of minor existential crisis, but what is it? I crave chaos, disorder, some sort of scene. I just finished watching Sid and Nancy and there was chaos and compassion, disorder and danger. I've been listening to the Fuck Buttons, chaos and no lyrics to distract. Audible chaos and disorder that flows, it has some sort of direction. At this minute I have no direction. My hand still aches from Wednesday when I spent about three hours using an x-acto to cut apart cardboard boxes from my 3-D Design class. I filed my nails away so when I go to ceramics I'll get less clay trapped under them, and now I don't know which way I'm going.

I'm jut wondering about the short term, I vaguely want to talk to somebody, I know who I'd love to interact with, but I don't know what they're up to but in my state of mind just being in their presence would probably benefit me. I've loosely been like this all day, drifting. Anger, annoyance rather, to being blank and vaguely listless.

"Checked the clock when I got home, I realized that I'm alone, sat for hours by the window, wondering where did you go. " Song lyrics race, I like the song anyway. It plays sporadically.

But I questioned my own presence of existential thought and in questioning the seeming lack there of, would there be something? In wondering that it was missing, was I then thinking existentially? I thought that way because I had nothing really deep or interesting to say on Twitter. I don't always pose a question that I considered thought provoking, but I seemed to be bothered today by my lack of questioning. I decided my life had too much order, and it's not that organized. I have things everywhere, not much of a strict schedule outside of classes, but I'm like a still pond, a lake, waiting for that rock to be chucked in to start something. The placidity of the water seemed to be bothering me. I need something, I don't know if it's conversation that I need, or just something to shake things up a little.

I'm not depressed, this isn't the listlessness of depression, this is the listlessness of a lack of direction. I know in general where I want to go, but what do I see right now? Where am I stopping along the way? That's what's bothering me right now I guess. Just drifting along, I need something to shake it all up. Maybe I'll head out, the coffee shop has the potential to be interesting right now, or at least outside of my head which is good enough. Maybe to the bar, just something. I think I want to be wrapped up in someone else's issues, their ideas their business. I don't want to go my own way, but to bum a ride with someone else for a little while. Not for too long, just long enough to break my spell of blank so I can continue wherever I'm headed.

My life needs a little chaos to remind it where I'm trying to go. Maybe a shove in some direction will remind me to take control of the little things as I roll on to the bigger things down the road. Maybe something interesting will happen.

Jasmine P.