Conversations I'm Never Going To Have

So wordy...but that's what I call them.

So, these Contemplations and Observations I bring up about any/everything that comes to mind are all rooted in my trying to explain the methods of my madness to others and playing through the whole scenario in my head. It's not always done in words, sometimes it's 'written' in emotion and color as I imagine how an event would feel. Other times they're fully scripted, but then I run until complications as I rationalize not going through with whatever I'd just played out in my mind.

A common one could go as such in my head/ has gone like such in my head:
- Guy 1 and I are friends
- I like Guy 1.
- I think about telling Guy 1 I like him.
-I tell Guy 1 I like him.
- Guy 1 responds positively and we're a fluffy couple (as I've yet to even experience this, I won't imagine much further atm.)

Same situation could also end like this:
-Guy 1 and I are friends
- I like Guy 1.
- I think about telling Guy 1 I like him.
-I tell Guy 1 I like him.
-Guy 1 responds negatively
- My and Guy 1 are not friends anymore
- I spiral into depression over NOT having a FRIEND [he's not even anything and I'm spiraling into depression, yeah...]

Another scenario could go as follows:

- I decide to explain where my obsession with [insert fandom] comes from
- I explain my beliefs and state both sides of the argument for and against said fandom
-Person 2 is still confused so I think of another way to say the same thing
- Person 2 is still confused so I thin of a third analogy
- Person 2 gets it, but still doesn't understand why I like said fandom
-I give up and pretend nothing happened at all
[This actually happens in real life, not usually with fandoms, but other things/activities. I can't think of a specific example atm.

These 'conversations' that I have are based off of some recent interaction, or my bored longings for interaction. If I don't have music I tend to let my mind wander and get to these sorts of topics and explanations. Everything I say in response for the people I'm basing their reactions/responses/types of responses on real reactions and conversations I've had with people. I know how my friends would respond in certain situations which is why/how I'm able to go through these in relation to certain friends. They'd be nice about things, but I also know I can't predict everything.

I think these conversations started off as 'what if' games to entertain myself when I didn't have paper, or as something to do when I had to play alone and not with my brothers as a child. It's something I started as a way to retreat into myself and not have to interact with others.

Sadly now it's something I do to run away from interaction sometimes. I also go through these scenarios before I talk to people I don't know, and I usually end up with bad outcomes because I'm a bit of a pessimist sometimes.

You know, I really don't know where I was going with this one. I wasn't quite inspired as I was for the one on observations themselves, but I have been thinking over these conversations because I keep playing these mind games to cheer myself up, but sometimes they only make things worse. I think I need to talk to some one for real, even over aim or the phone just so it's not my and my imagination anymore.

I'm tired of living all alone on this godforsaken island, but there's no one around to help me off.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.