It's never fair. I'm not super happy right now, I rarely get what I want. Yes, a new phone is nice, but I did ask for an mp3 player. I don't come home because I can't deal with my brother. Either he decides to be pissy over something I've barely done, or I get angry with him. It's not healthy, and it's not right. I don't like coming home, not just because of the trip, but I never feel respected. I was the one with the remote, I had the choice of what to watch on tv. When we were younger I never said anything. I'm tired of acquiescing. I have the right to watch what I want to on my own or with other people. I should be respected. I am not respected by my eldest brother. I don't know what I feel right now, but I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being depressed and feeling like no one respects me.
Yes, I understand you're going to work in an hour. So what if I'll be able to watch TV for the rest of the day, I wasn't planning on it, I was planning on getting out. I was planning on having fun and being happy. This day can turn around, but right now it sucks. I don't say anything because I knew he wouldn't understand. I wasn't talking about today or now. I was talking about before. Things change but they mostly stay the same. Yes, I do think about you. I put myself is places or not in places because I want to stay happy and because it's for you.
You make things too fucking difficult. You're too much of a wild card. I try one thing you take it the wrong way. But seriously. It's fucking television. I don't have cable, I don't spend my time watching TV or playing video games. I don't because I don't have it. Coming home's a treat because there are things here that I don't have in Norfolk. You make me not like being home, I don't like coming back to Reston because things in the house suck. You fucking smoke weed all the goddamn time, I never say anything. I never said a damned word when I heard you and your girlfriend having sex. When I come home and we're eating I next to never say a word about whatever's on TV, I'll watch it, or I go away because I don't like it.
That's my problem, I stay quiet too much, I never say anything. Maybe I'll start speaking up more, maybe that will make me happy. I always talk big when I write, but nothing ever changes. But I try. I try valiently, in my opinion, to roll with whatever happens. I try not to let him get to me. But in this instance I can remember them not like That 70's Show all that much and my wanting to watch it. Now it's not so much that I didn't want to watch it, I wanted the choice of watching it or not.
I'm also annoyed because I did so much work yesterday. He had next to nothing. He made cornbread, and he put the dishes in the dishwasher. He took a nap after doing nothing to help. I on the other hand, made sweet potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes, a turkey, a ham, mashed potatoes. My other brother made macaroni and cheese, stuffing and string beans. I did the heaving lifting, they barely said 'thank you'. I am so fucking under-appreciated. I feel that way if it's not the case.
I feel unloved. I don't feel like anybody really loves me. I know they both care, but really, how much would change if I didn't come home? We never do anything all together, I come home to see my friends. I always say things about 'the three of us' it feels more like it's 'the two of them, plus me'. As an adult, I'm still a hanger-on. I felt more welcome or appreciated when my brother's friend was here yesterday. Then I felt alone in a crowd. I want to disappear and not tell them where I go, see how much they care. Seriously, were I to drop off the face of the earth, would they care? I saw not him so much. More out of obligation than real caring.
Once I was angry I didn't care. Back the what started this I might have chosen 'That 70's Show' to watch anyway. That's the retarted part. Give me the chance to see what's on first. I don't get respected and it upsets me. I want to be loved, feel like someone loves me, cares about me. More than that, I want to feel respected. He was too dense to even notice that I said that I bet. I try to stay happy, content. I try so damned hard.
I'm fucking tired of crying, I'm tired of being depressed. I damn near want to hop in the car and go back to Norfolk today, after I finish my laundry. I'd be alone, and I'd have Borjo. I'd have people who aren't my brothers. I'd have my independence back, I'd feel like an adult. I'm independent here, I feel like and adult but I'd have respect. I would be respected in my own domicile, I'd have people to chit-chat with. I wasn't alone in the house yesterday, but for the better part of the day I was alone. Between 9am and about 9pm it was me in the kitchen. The guys made and appearance, then went to the basement, one of them was around for about the hour. The other barely did anything.
I damn near want to find a bar to escape to, but drinking alone in the epitome of lame and depression. I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of so much shit. I think it's time to take a shower, venture out to a coffee shop with a book, but on a day like today, trying to find a comfortable Borjo like atmosphere would be that much more difficult. But an adventure could clear the head and cheer me up.
Why do I make fewer typos when I'm upset?
Jasmine P.
November 27, 2009
November 22, 2009
My Evening
Well, these past 12 hours have been interesting. I spent a few hours reading and in general hanging around Borjo. That was fun, I doodled some, Dan asked, so I drew him, Brian and Jennifer. It was an aright sketch, I'll take a photo of it later when I'm back there so I have a copy of it.
I went over to SoBo, a pizza and bar, where there was a benefit concert for another employee of Borjo who was injured back over the summer. I spent my night hanging with the Borjo crowd. I do like them. I learned a lot about one of them and really met Rob's wife. She's nice.
Wow, I thought I had more to write, but details about things are not mine to share, and sober, they might not have been told. I dunno. I was quiet, dealing in a social depression. I was depressed in a social setting, but I kept hanging out with people because I knew I wasn't going to fall asleep. I'm not really tired, it sucks. I'll try to sleep once I'm done with this, but it might not happen too soon which is lame. We'll see.
From SoBo I hung out with Brian and Bones at a hookah bar. I drove them because even thought I did drink at SoBo, I was sober for at least an hour before we left. We smoked a little and they danced. I watched and was very internally quiet. That's why I dislike being depressed, I get quiet. That which normally runs at a mile a minute was moving a picasecond a year. I did talk with Bones, explained why I was depressed, a friendly ear was nice. I chatted with another fellow who apparently frequents Borjo, named Gerard. He was interesting.
Sometimes I wish I could make a stronger connection to someone my own age, most of the time they're years older than I am, but I can hold my on in a serious conversation. I dunno, depression is a mother fucker. I'm a bit more tired since I'm on my own, it's that nice sort of morning silence, and I don't really have any stimulation.
With that little voice off my recounting my night isn't all that interesting. Normally I'd've described what I drank and talk more about people I met and the experience, but not tonight. Let's write more over these next few days, something should come out of it.
Jasmine P.
I went over to SoBo, a pizza and bar, where there was a benefit concert for another employee of Borjo who was injured back over the summer. I spent my night hanging with the Borjo crowd. I do like them. I learned a lot about one of them and really met Rob's wife. She's nice.
Wow, I thought I had more to write, but details about things are not mine to share, and sober, they might not have been told. I dunno. I was quiet, dealing in a social depression. I was depressed in a social setting, but I kept hanging out with people because I knew I wasn't going to fall asleep. I'm not really tired, it sucks. I'll try to sleep once I'm done with this, but it might not happen too soon which is lame. We'll see.
From SoBo I hung out with Brian and Bones at a hookah bar. I drove them because even thought I did drink at SoBo, I was sober for at least an hour before we left. We smoked a little and they danced. I watched and was very internally quiet. That's why I dislike being depressed, I get quiet. That which normally runs at a mile a minute was moving a picasecond a year. I did talk with Bones, explained why I was depressed, a friendly ear was nice. I chatted with another fellow who apparently frequents Borjo, named Gerard. He was interesting.
Sometimes I wish I could make a stronger connection to someone my own age, most of the time they're years older than I am, but I can hold my on in a serious conversation. I dunno, depression is a mother fucker. I'm a bit more tired since I'm on my own, it's that nice sort of morning silence, and I don't really have any stimulation.
With that little voice off my recounting my night isn't all that interesting. Normally I'd've described what I drank and talk more about people I met and the experience, but not tonight. Let's write more over these next few days, something should come out of it.
Jasmine P.
November 10, 2009
A Little Catching Up and A Few Random Thoughts
I will do a proper birthday write up, I pretty much usually do, but friggin' Norfolk mail didn't deliver yesterday, so I'll see what I get today, and then there's chatting with the Ficus and figuring out if he's visiting, or if our revelry for me being old enough to purchase alcohol will have to wait. It would be lame for it to be delayed for another two weeks because until Thanksgiving.
But onto my thoughts. I haven't written not really, since before I was sick. I wrote while I was sick, but that only barely counts. On a positive side, I seriously have not been depressed since I had my kidney infection. Before I was writing my usual 'oh woah is me! Nobody loves me, I have no body I'm oh so fucking alone' type of crap because that's what it's always about. Then I was sick, and I've been pretty alright. I've been doodlin' and I do have a whole mess of sketches in my personal sketchbook and my class sketch book to scan one of these days. It'll be 'fun' sitting in Webb scanning 11x14" sheets of paper covered in silly pencil sketches, and some 'figure studies'. I put apostrophes around that because I was never looking at people, I imagined the figure I wanted to draw.
So, I saw my school's performance of Dracula on Saturday night, the last night of the show. It was pretty entertaining. I did enjoy the show, then I masochistically decided to help strike the set. I say masochistically because three days later my back, neck and arms are a little sore. But I plan on helping again in the future. Striking is fun. Best quote from the night was one of the prop masters found a black pump, just one shoe. I called it 'Cinderella's Goth Slipper' he called it 'Cinderellas Goth Fuck-Me Pump' me and two or three other people who heard it paused, then laughed. Pretty funny. Then after strike when the actors and crew got to eat, I was chatting with I think the lighting master/teacher whatever, and he remembered me from striking the Rocky Horror set from two years ago. Hell, I think I wrote up striking Rocky, but being remembered from two years ago from a more or less one off meeting is always pretty interesting.
So, I had this thought. I checked out this awesome photo that Paulo Coelho took when he went ot Kazakhstan back in 2005 and he was with some members of the village [i think he said village] who were out falcon hunting. My thoughts on this aren't on the hunting, though, the falcon was huge and a gorgeous animal. It was that he was wearing all black. It made me think that there's a weird dichotomy with wearing black. Depending on the type of black clothing you wear you can either look distinguished, you can look elegant, or you can look like you're emo, goth or depressed. I was just thinking that, it's kind of interesting. I know that depending on how anything is worn it can change how people will perceive the wearer. Black is just such a pivitol color it seems at time that the thought stood out the most to me when I saw that photo. Thinking about it, just about any time someone wants to dress up and look good, they wear black. Why is black the color of distinction? It has been considered slimming, and ever year something come out as 'the new black' but black still reigns. Nothing else lasts for more than a season as the color to wear before black is back. Or, they'll both be big together. My question on this point all together is, why black? But I also like rich darker colors. Wine or burgundy reds, royal blue and the like. The rich dark colors are some of my favorites. They have been. In the right type of suit with the right accents these color can work, or as accents with the black.
I'm not too sure where my thoughts on color are going, but it did start from my question of 'why black' after thinking about how it works for two types of people that society might not necessarily consider all that similar at face value.
Jasmine P.
But onto my thoughts. I haven't written not really, since before I was sick. I wrote while I was sick, but that only barely counts. On a positive side, I seriously have not been depressed since I had my kidney infection. Before I was writing my usual 'oh woah is me! Nobody loves me, I have no body I'm oh so fucking alone' type of crap because that's what it's always about. Then I was sick, and I've been pretty alright. I've been doodlin' and I do have a whole mess of sketches in my personal sketchbook and my class sketch book to scan one of these days. It'll be 'fun' sitting in Webb scanning 11x14" sheets of paper covered in silly pencil sketches, and some 'figure studies'. I put apostrophes around that because I was never looking at people, I imagined the figure I wanted to draw.
So, I saw my school's performance of Dracula on Saturday night, the last night of the show. It was pretty entertaining. I did enjoy the show, then I masochistically decided to help strike the set. I say masochistically because three days later my back, neck and arms are a little sore. But I plan on helping again in the future. Striking is fun. Best quote from the night was one of the prop masters found a black pump, just one shoe. I called it 'Cinderella's Goth Slipper' he called it 'Cinderellas Goth Fuck-Me Pump' me and two or three other people who heard it paused, then laughed. Pretty funny. Then after strike when the actors and crew got to eat, I was chatting with I think the lighting master/teacher whatever, and he remembered me from striking the Rocky Horror set from two years ago. Hell, I think I wrote up striking Rocky, but being remembered from two years ago from a more or less one off meeting is always pretty interesting.
So, I had this thought. I checked out this awesome photo that Paulo Coelho took when he went ot Kazakhstan back in 2005 and he was with some members of the village [i think he said village] who were out falcon hunting. My thoughts on this aren't on the hunting, though, the falcon was huge and a gorgeous animal. It was that he was wearing all black. It made me think that there's a weird dichotomy with wearing black. Depending on the type of black clothing you wear you can either look distinguished, you can look elegant, or you can look like you're emo, goth or depressed. I was just thinking that, it's kind of interesting. I know that depending on how anything is worn it can change how people will perceive the wearer. Black is just such a pivitol color it seems at time that the thought stood out the most to me when I saw that photo. Thinking about it, just about any time someone wants to dress up and look good, they wear black. Why is black the color of distinction? It has been considered slimming, and ever year something come out as 'the new black' but black still reigns. Nothing else lasts for more than a season as the color to wear before black is back. Or, they'll both be big together. My question on this point all together is, why black? But I also like rich darker colors. Wine or burgundy reds, royal blue and the like. The rich dark colors are some of my favorites. They have been. In the right type of suit with the right accents these color can work, or as accents with the black.
I'm not too sure where my thoughts on color are going, but it did start from my question of 'why black' after thinking about how it works for two types of people that society might not necessarily consider all that similar at face value.
Jasmine P.
November 1, 2009
A Short List of Speling Short Cuts that Irritate Me
I'm not talking about 'text speak' but that pisses me the fuck off. I'm talking about some things that are becoming more 'common' in the English language. I know languages evolve, but these bother me because they don't look right. I'm not an English major, thinking about becoming a minor, but that would be in literature not composition, but that aside. Here are a few things I've seen written that bother me.
"altho" is not "although"
"thru" is not "through"
"tuff" is not "tough"
"tho" is not "though"
I said it was a short list. I know there are plenty more that bother me, but I can't think of them at the moment. For this to be a much more thorough rant I would probably go into the whys and I'd elaborate on why I dislike text-speak. Simply, I dislike text-speak because people use it verbally and sound ignorant, or they use it while writing on the internet, when they easily have a full keyboard at their disposal. I don't understand why they can't use every letter. I mean, it's not like it's a telegram where you have to pay for every letter.
Jasmine P.
"altho" is not "although"
"thru" is not "through"
"tuff" is not "tough"
"tho" is not "though"
I said it was a short list. I know there are plenty more that bother me, but I can't think of them at the moment. For this to be a much more thorough rant I would probably go into the whys and I'd elaborate on why I dislike text-speak. Simply, I dislike text-speak because people use it verbally and sound ignorant, or they use it while writing on the internet, when they easily have a full keyboard at their disposal. I don't understand why they can't use every letter. I mean, it's not like it's a telegram where you have to pay for every letter.
Jasmine P.
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