Death

Over the past few weeks I've been bombarded with death at different intervals. The most obvious depiction...reminder is of my mother's death seeing as this coming Monday, Apr. 28. 2008, will be the anniversary of her death.

My point of view on aging and death is that when it happens it will be necessary. It is necessary for things to age and die. Humanity cannot go on forever. When I am old I will be tired of being alive and I will be ready to die. That's not to say I want to die any sooner, I'm just saying that if I were to be diagnosed with a terminal illness I'd probably curse the world, blow some money on some something fun, and accept my death as it may be. It seems like a sad state of affairs if people are so wrapped up in their lives that they can't rest. I barely rest now as is, hell it's ten after four as I'm writing this. But I've been p since...8 yesterday morning, class, life, final papers.

People need to accept their mortality. Only once you've accepted that you're going to die in the future will you be able to live. People try so hard not to age, not to die. And for what? More stress and taxes, less social security benefits due to an impending financial recession? When i'm old and can't wipe my own ass, or can't being as self sufficient as I am then I'll be ready to die. I'll have [hopefully] lived a long and healthy life.

I mean, there is a reason for aging and death. Part of it is the fact that we need to make the space for future inhabitants of earth. If we were to not die there would not be enough resources until the human population diminishes or figures out a way to increase the yield from crops.

I can't remember what else I was going to say. I'm going to maybe quite photoshop color something then i'm fucking going to bed.

peace

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Right Here, Right Now

I am currently incredibly stressed out and I can't write what I need to to save my life, or better yet, my English grade. I am stressed over work, over classes and over my desire to not be alone but the fact that i am. I want to be loved. I want some to love also. I want and miss my mother right now. I am on edge, I feel discontent, my knee is hurting again, I'm just all over the place in a bad way and I don't know just how much longer I'll be able to handle it. I can't draw anything worth drawing, but I do love my pen drawing that I'm calling 'Beautiful'. It's not the first time that commentary's been mad, but that's not the point. There is a bit of a follow up piece, but the second one didn't work right, so it needs to be drawn over and in a way that it makes sense.

Back to me and how broken I am. Heh, broken is the right way to describe it. I'm not right. I cry for no reason, the tears just pour from my eyes. I ignore them as they trail down my face. I do and don't want to be around people. I do and don't want to talk. I need someone to ask the right questions so I can get to the answers that keep alluding me so.

I have figured out that there is no one I love at the moment. I have no crushes, but I do have speculation on people who I think may like or be interested in me, but I have no proof for any of my ideas. There are little things, but they're unfounded. I don't think that's what I want... i have no real proof for my reasoning other than a few odd little things that have stuck out in my mind. I have figured out that I am in dire desire for physical contact, be it a hug or just being physically close to someone else. I'd prefer the other person to be male, and I think I'm feeling a desire to be around men. To be around masculine energy, but it needs to be positive and not necessarily perverted. I don't really want to talk, I just want to be close to someone. I don't want to have to take on anyone else's stress and I can't handle anyone else's anger at the moment. I can't be receptive and understanding. I'm to guarded to put in the effort to he considerate. I don't want to be considerate either. I'm mopey and I want someone else to pay attention to me. I want someone to really try no matter how guarded I act. i want someone to put in the effort that I put in when they're upset or in a bad mood.

I want someone to love and someone to love me in return who will try as hard as I do to understand, to comprehend and to help. I'm losing myself in myself. I need the strength of someone else. I'm disgusted with myself. Where did my strength and independence go? Why do I feel the need to be so dependent on others that I feel lost when I'm alone. why do I feel the need to have my own emotions dictated by others? why am I so empathetic and around other who are near as empathetic as I that they can't see that everything I am at the moment is a lie, a facade to hind how I really feel.

i want someone to be able to see past the 'Jasmine' that is quiet, intelligent and strong to be able to see, hug, hold and help that much weaker Jasmine who hides inside. The part of me that wants help, but isn't near loud enough to be heard when she cries out for assistance. I am so guarded all the time that the outer me doesn't want the inner me to be heard, but the inner me must find a way to be heard by someone who can and will help. I don't want to be independent nor do i want to be dependent, I just want to be able to live at a nice moderate in between of strength that is given and received.

I want to be able to draw strength from another, but i can't find any who is able to give me that which I desire. I want to stop feeling the way I do. I want to be able to drawn, i want to be able to feel something other than massive and constant depression at the moment. Will this be gone after next Tuesday? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I knew where to find what I want and that what I wanted would find me. Even if it doesn't last long it would be better than nothing at the moment. I need to be less guarded so others can see what I mean, see how I really feel even though I hide. I need someone to understand the little signs. When I'm quiet, when I'd rather go off on my own even though normally I'd stay around others. When I'm not the me I usually am, when I'm sad and crying and feel so alone that I don't know what to do anymore. Fuck a knight in shining armor, I'd rather have a dork is comfortable clothing. He'd be much nicer to hold.

When will it be my time to not be alone. When will I be able to rely on someone and have them rely on me equally? Why must I wait so long for a taste of what I desire?

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

English Paper - entertainment 2

So, remember how a few months back I wrote about 'Shawshank Redemption' then changed the paper? Well, here's the final paper =D I have a real/whiny journal to post in an hour, once it's typed and griped over.

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Trying to define a ‘favorite’ anything for me is never easy. I have groups of favorites, not one single favorite movie, book or television show. Thinking through my groups of favorites and the longevity of things I have liked with how flighty I am in my decisions my favorite television show is and has been It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Sunny is a show about a group of friends who are all narcissistic and vain as they try various ways to make money and get laid.

Sunny was originally a movie idea from star, producer and sometimes writer Rob McElhenney and his friends Glenn Howerton and Charlie Day. McElhenney originally had the idea for Charlie’s character to one day tell their mutual friend, Glenn, that he had cancer, under the secrecy that he would not tell any of their other friends when he visits to simply pick up a bag of sugar. The skit ends with Glenn showing his compassion to Charlie in his time of pain and need, but still just wanting to get away with the sugar so he could drink his coffee and move on with his day.

The film, which they used as the pilot, was picked up by Fox for their cable station, FX and turned into a Thursday night sitcom. The trio of Rob, Glenn and Charlie are named Mac, Dennis and Charlie accordingly, and Sweet Dee, Dennis’ twin sister is added to the cast of characters. She also exhibits the self-centered and self-gratifying traits of the other four characters. Sunny moved from taking place in California to Philadelphia and the characters were changed from being actors looking for work to being the owners and employees at Paddy’s Pub.

Each episode of Sunny revolves around the self-gratifying aspects of each character’s personality and how their plans always backfire. In one episode from the first season the group decides to become the place for the high school students could go to drink watered down and overpriced beer. Dee starts hanging out with the popular kid while Dennis is taken by the ‘hot’ chick, and a girl chooses Charlie, Mac was never chosen because he tried too hard. By the end of the episode Dee, Dennis and Charlie are all invited to the prom and Mac decides to crash the prom in envy when it is revealed that the two students were using Dee and Dennis to make one another jealous. They go to the prom together and Charlie goes having never gone to the prom when he was in high school.

Sunny is fun to watch because of the extent of the ridiculous situations the characters get into. They’ve been injured, almost arrested, evicted from the bar and they never learn not to exhibit the more idiotic aspects of their personalities. These are people who say what every wants to say, and do what everyone wants to do. They’ve exploited gay men for money because it was misconstrued that the pub was a gay hang out. They pretended to be physically disabled for sex and at the end of the day that would just as quickly go back and repeat their actions, only smarter.

In the second season the main cast of Sunny was increased from 4 to 5 when fan of the show, Danny DeVito joined the cast as Dennis and Dee’s father who is looking to regain the vitality of being young, poor and trying to live it up and getting laid. Devito’s character, Frank, was rich but after separating from his wife he decided he needed to return to the freedom of being a young adult with the city ripe for the picking and for fun. The addition of DeVito to the cast for the show was not for the novelty of adding a big name to a little show, although that did help in some instances. DeVito’s presence in Sunny adds another creative spark, a character the others look up to one moment and are disgusted with the next.

Sunny is a show you can’t be offended by, because the characters are just so ignorant in their actions that you have to laugh at them. They never change but each character is steadfast in their morals and the reasoning behind even the worst things that they do to one another and those that may be around them. I enjoy the show because it’s a funny look at life and how these people don’t always intend to be as terrible as they can be.

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Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Friends.

Friend. Friends. Friendships.

I keep saying to my college buddies that they should meet some of my high school buddies, and vice versa. Trust me, i wouldn't say something like that lightly. I value my friends a hell of a lot more than any of them realize so saying i want them to meet is a big deal in my mind. There are just people whom i think would work out well together, and other whom i think it'd be interesting if they met. Amusing even. this is also up there with the fact that I want to stay connected with everyone. It's not that much fun that any/all time we end up spending together back home is half trying to fill in people in funny things from the past semester. But the problem with living in the present with people you don't see for any time from one month to three is that we all grow and change. The jokes are old and the new jokes make no sense.

Only two people get and will laugh if I jut my bottom row of teeth out tuck my upper lip behind them. A hand full of people with get it if I say 'thuper arthistic' and having to designate all people with repeat names gets old sometimes, but every one i knew before college is still important to me because of how much i grew from hanging out with them. But the people from college are also important because there is another aspect of life to look at, different growth and more changes.

Part of what i'm saying is that I don't like living in the past for daydreaming about the future when i'll see people who aren't around every day. It's be cool if everyone knew one another, but I'm fine with that not being the case, but what i think i really want to change the most is how much interaction I still have with people who aren't right next to me.

I seriously don't want to lose my old friend connections due to the fact that we're all a few hours away from one another. There are reasons for my phone calls and for my not leaving a message. I hate answering machines and truly only leave messages if I think it's absolutely necessary. I'd rather get in contact with you than with your voice mail.

I don't know. I just want some sort of assurance that in ten years that when I think about people from now that it's not just in the past tense, but also in the present and future with what we'll be doing when we still hang out. I don't want a guarantee because broken promises are more painful and annoying to deal with, but even a compromise that we'll both try not to seriously lose touch with one another is good enough to please me.

i want to be 20 years, 30 years meet up with you and know we'll still be friends enough that the meetings won't be awkward. i want to be close enough still that when we talk about what we were, are like at 18, 19, 20 that we can all laugh and share the stupid secrets we can't say now. i want to be able to say, 'that's my friend on stage' then go back stage in the theater and see you. All of you, or say 'I was there when they filmed that' or something stupid.

I'm no so much afraid of not meeting new people, but I want to stay in contact with people from now so that in the future other friends I have may be able to meet some of you also and will be able to hear the stupid stories i won't tell them. There will have to be someone to tell my kids about the stupid things i did in college, from stay up for 72+ hours with another friend to late night peep-jousting and whatever the hell else I do in my future years here.

I want my college and high school friends to meet so they can then understand how I've changed and what they all mean to me. That's something I'll never be able to fully express nor explain, but I want people to meet so when i tell the stories there's something more than my photos of what happened to tell the stories, but also actually meeting ...

i don't know how to finish this. I've sort of lost my train of thought, but i think you all get the message. i don't want to lose you no matter how much time passes. We can change and whatever, but if we can still kick back, play some Wii and reminisce about when it came out and what we're like now that's cool.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.