a bit of story

My head hurts. I really think it's just the caffeine withdrawl but it's a bitch. All last week i had two cups a day, one at about 7 and another at about 5.30/6, but I haven't had any coffee since yesterday morning. i'm also tired and I don't really have anything to write atm. I haven't really had much of anything to write recently. I kinda wish I did, but que sera, something will happen, or I'll have a story.

A story, here's a bit about one I thought of from a dream last week. In a future, post apocalyptic world, some people who are some how descendant from super heroes of old can 'awaken' to the powers that their grandparent may have had. Specifically there's a girl named Trelli who is decedent from Peter Parker, so she is the new Spiderman. Yes, her name will still be 'spiderman' even though she's female.

So what happens int e this future world is there is the evil that had destroyed the world, so humanity has to live in the ruins of everything, hiding out from whoever it was that wrecked havoc on the planet. One day when Trelli and friends [who come into their own powers] are on the surface to scavenge for food, parts, etc she ends up exhibiting her powers and from then on she is announced to humanity as the new Spiderman and proceedes to try to fight the evil, while learning about her powers and eventually her friends come into powers of their own. This isn't much more then a concept I'm rolling around in my head until I get some more stuff worked out and even then I don't think I'll do much with this.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

All I Wanted Was Some Fucking Ice Cream

So, I will actually be starting from Friday night, but the title will come full circle by the end of this journal.

So, on Friday, Lizabeth and I decided to go see the Rocky Horror Picture Show with Zorro at the Naro theater over on Colley. After thinking he forgot we were going because he wandered away from Wesley house we end up seeing the movie. We met up with Dylan and his girlfriend, Kay, there and the show was the same bit of perverse dirty and silly as it was the first time I saw it in September.

What sucked ass were these bastard that came into the movie with a six pack of Bud Light and cigs that they decided to smoke during the show. Well, one of the Rocky cast members, techie member actually, came over and told them to leave. there were three of them. The chick they were with tried to argue it since she wasn't smoking, but their whole group got kicked out, not just the smoker. She wanted her 8 bucks back because she was unable to see the whole show, but one of the guys she was with did break the rules so poopoo on her. After that the show went was it should've. Zorro and Dylan decided to do the underwear run (hee hee).

After this we decided we didn't feel like splitting up just yet so we walked over to Red Dog, but that was pretty much pointless because they close at 2 and we got there at 1.30, just enough time for Zorro to get a beer. We then decided to head over to IHOP which was crowded like nobodies' business. I swear adn we happened upon a whole bunch of Rocky epople there. That was amusing because where we were sitting they some were at a table that was pretty much next to us and they needed the ketchup and amusingly enough by the time they were done, I needed it back. We also had The Waitress. She pointed at me and said 'Coffee?" I was like 'no, actually., but can I get a hot chocolate' and that little mug of chocolate was amazing with the chocolate chips and whipped cream and awesome. It makes me want a Borjo's chocolate...

We left IHOP around 3.30 then I decided to read a bit more of my Hells Angels book. I clock out at like...4 but the thing is I have absolutely no recollection of taking my glasses off, turning off my light and putting my book up on my dresser. I don't remember doing anything of that. I know i did that because I found it like that when I woke up. i'd forgotten to turn off my alarm clock, so it rang at 7 like usual. I vaguely remember cutting it off then thinking I wouldn't be able to sleep as long as I needed to, but I ended up sleeping until 1.26 pm. I read some more after consuming a 'breakfast' of instant yakisoba.

I read some more before meeting with J, Sean and Dan to fence a bit on Kaufman around 3.30. Lizabeth was there so we glove gamed a bit. I took a few photos of Sean and Nicki dagger fighting, that was fun. Antes de fencing we decided to go get dinner in the Norfolk Room in Webb. the food was pretty chill. Then we split up to go about our merry ways. Dan, Lizabeth and I stayed together and tried to find something to do for the evening which first amounted to looking over sites to find something to do, then we wandered over to Dan's place and looked at more crap on his computer. It's about 10 or so now and I'm like 'I still want ice cream from Dou's' then whilst fucking around with Google Earth we go to Vegas then decide to really go to Vegas so we get in the car and start off.

On our way to Vegas we got hungry so we stopped in Chesapeake for breakfast at IHOP. On our way west once more Dan decided to call some of his high school buddies so we swung back and went to Hampton so we could take his friends with us. We got sidetracked in Hampton by watching them play Rock Band for like and hour before they decided they were hungry and they wanted to go on a Wendy's run. It was a bit after 1 by this time. the first Wendy's that closed at 2 had a long fuck line, and after sitting in line for like...twenty minutes we decided to go to the other Wendy's down the road that closed at 3. This would have been fine, but the employees here are slow bastards so we bailed this line at like...2.45 and decided to go to a Waffle House for food. Dan's fried got food, I got a Waffle because the last time I went to Waffle House and didn't get a waffle I just kept staring at the waffle that Zorro had. I wanted a fucking waffle so i got a fucking waffle dammit. and you know what? It was delicious.

We left Hampton round about 3.30 and came back to Norfolk. I went to sleep at like..4, I didn't even have the energy to stay up to read. My body was like 'fukkit, you're sleeping now!' and I was seriously out. Sunday I woke up and finished off C.R.'s fencing hedgehog. I had finally had the chance to buy the sewing needles I needed to sew the can tab to it's paw so when I woke up I put my laundry in to wash and finished it up and took some final photos for the tut/progression i plan on posting on dA. I finally decided to wander away from whitehurst once my laundry's done and I go to the Cyber Loft [where I happen to be atm...I swear, this has taken two days to write]
I finally post the photos taken on Saturday then I put together the photo tut in photoshop when I notice that C.R.'s here. We chat for a few minutes then I go back to work. I'm like two minutes from saving all my work when fucking photoshop cs3 decides to crash [the whore!] I mean, it was avidly maybe only...twenty, thirty minutes worth of work but it was still pretty much finished when the damned thing crashed. I had no more time to fuck around with it because I was meeting with people at La Herradura for dinner.

It's Dan, Lizabeth and Nick this time, and the stories are predominately stupid childhood stories. Times when we did shit that pissed off our parents, and by 'we' i mostly mean 'Nick' but it was still pretty fun. When we were about to go J and Allison showed up, so Nick, Lizabeth and myself stuck around for a bit longer and the stories ended up being about pranks and theater things. It was pretty fun to listen to.

It got mad cold last night so on the walk back my original plan was to stop by the Cyber Loft, make a still photo for Nick from a frame of one of the video's I'd taken and post it on facebook, but I happened upon C.R. once more and decided to hang out with him for a bit. We walked back to Whithurst and I realized that then was the perfect time to give him his hedgehog, so I ran upstairs and grabbed it and headed to his room. He loved the silly little squeeky thing that was awesome. I hung out, enjoyed a cup of tea and we chatted for a bit. I watched him play Animal crossing and a bit of 'No More Heroes' where he fought a Bag Lady [I swear, she was a freakin' bag lady] Being tired as shit for staying up 'til stupid-o'clock all weekend I left and crashed at like 12.15.

All in all it was a good weekend. Fending, food, Rocky and C.R. Stories, drama, travels. I had fun hanging out with my friends. That always makes for a good day.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Those Fucking Tacks

So, today when I got whipped into a ranting mood about Cynthia [aka my roommate. I've renamed her because Cynthia, the Barbie on Rugrats was just that ugly] I ended up with the perfect analogy.

So, I've been driving down my road of life. I'm dealing with the traffic of other drivers, the police of classes and responsibility and the weather patterns of drama that can drastically slow down this long winded trip. I'm currently driving a basic sedan, power windows and locks, A/C, Cd player with MP3 capabilities and those little bits of awesome that make like that much more awesome when i hit that one fucking tack that is trying to ruin everything.

Cynthia is that fucking tack. It's a little irritation that happens to have drastic affects on my comfort and ability to get where I'm headed. I mean, I've tried patching the tire repeatedly, and I've been on the lookout for more/other tacks, but periodically one slips under the radar and I hit it and it causes varying degrees of damage to the tires. Every time I hit one of these damn tacks I have to stop where I'm going and see if the tires and hold up for much longer or do I need to change them. New tires cost a lot and recently it seems like these tires are getting more vicious and my tires are getting more worn out. I'm tired of having to deal with the stopping and inspecting the tires getting more and more worried with how they're holding up. Every couple of miles or tens of miles there another tack that tries to ruin everything. I keep on rolling as best I can until something else tries to stop me. I'm just tired of how nit picky these tacks are and how tiring and stressful it is to deal with them all the time.

To gauge other things in life with this analogy my mother's death was like somebody totaling my car and my having to get a new one that looks as good or better than the previous one, but on the inside might not be as structurally sound. I'll get this one replaced again for a newer, nicer model hopefully in a few years.

Going to college was taking a new exit on the currently road that I've been driving for the past 19+ years of my life. it's been a nice route, aside from these damn tacks for the first couple thousand miles. The traffic hasn't been too bad and my car has gotten some nice upgrades, some grace notes and details to make it more kick ass.

Graduation was more of a lane change than and exit ramp, it was the preparation to get off one highway and onto another. Joining fencing club has been like a new paint job and my friend like I said have been bits of awesome like better sound system and comforts and amenities to the car.

Classes have been speed bumps, pot holes and random signs in the way that I have to work at safely navigating so I don't get caught up here on this road. Tips off campus have been kick ass scenery around this road.

Yeah. Life is the road, issues are difficulties to the road, people are distractions from the road and injuries to the car, friends are improvements to the car, experiences are changes in the world around the car. Life is one big road trip and I'm in control of as much of it as I can be.

Yeah,

Adios for now,
:Salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Bah!

Meh, two days ago I was just plain 'blah'. And if it didn't go against my belief that everything I've written has a point, I'd seriously delete it. It does have a point and after my personal stupidity from the beginning of it, I think it rounded out to be alright. Que sera. Nothing important is going on, but I also must study for my psych test.

Caio

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Restless

I dunno. At the moment I feel incredibly restless and irritable. I'm upset about something that's only in my head and it's just a bitch. I'm upset about how a friend of mine is acting. After knowing him for the few months that I have known him I can easily understand how he acts. I understand how he acts around many women. I think I feel bad because I'm not the person he'd give up time for. I guess it's a type of heart break...mixed in with PMSing, and at the moment I don't want to be alone, and per usual the people I'd rather not be alone around are busy.

So, to elaborate a bit on how I see the situation, said friend gets next to, hangs out and makes time for specific people at a time. I think it's pretty much an 'instant crush' sort of deal, except for him, unlike it being at the time of meeting, it's when the current 'crush' has moved on. I think it's between a crush and like a fascination. I dunno, but I don't think it's so much that fact that it isn't me anymore, it's the fact that it's a mutual friend, my best friend, so I don't have anyone to distract me from myself, and I am the most dangerous person for me to be alone with.

I think this will pass soon, but right now, at this minute, it's just frustrating, and I'm trying not to cry from feeling alone. I think one of these days I'll go out on a limb and 'meet somebody'. I mean this a a perennial complaint and wish that I would have someone who I could go to all the time, no questions asked and just chill with. I'm fantasizing at the moment about having someone and I don't think that' really helping my cause any, so I think I need to just go and find somebody. That's a weird turn fo phrase to just go 'meet' or to 'find somebody' how do people ever know what they're looking for. I know people with interesting outward appearances but kick ass personalities and people who look all kick ass and cool, but really aren't. I'm much more than one of those types of people who only want a person's look, I want more, I need something substantial. But I also wonder if that's the type of person I'll ultimately end up with. I mean, people talk about not ending up with the type of person they always thought they'd marry, but being truly happy with them, so what if it's the same with me?

I've thought about the criterion that I want filled, and I think in the long run is that I want someone whom I consider a superior because I want to be able to seriously reply on them to be mature when I'm not so mature, and so I can be taken care of on days like to day when I just want to not be alone. I have someone to hug and lay all up on and in general not be so distant to. I dislike the fact that I feel a desire to be so dependent on someone else, but I also think that's what I want, to be able to be so dependent every once in a while. To be pampered. But I also want someone intelligent so I can have an intellectual challenge. Not to play stupid word games with all the time, but someone I have debate with over things, but can also see the intelligence and the intellect in something that I find to be clever and amusing.

After getting my bearings, I feel better, but I still don't want to be alone. I know what I want, but I don't know how to find it. Fuck using some dating group. I can find someone suitable without the help of lame want ads and the like.

God, this is seriously just the PMS talking. I can't wait this this is over and I'm not feeling so melancholy.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Novel Inspiration

So, after lat night describing He Plays to Glenn, he inquired as to where the inspiration came for that story. At that moment I'd said 'I don't know. I thought it up in 9th or 10th grade' then I dropped the subject because I had more interesting things to think about, like food.

Now, like always when I reflect on what happens to me over the course of a day in the evening, as I unwind and just let my mind go where it wants, I though back to this story and interaction. I thought about what happened to me in 9th grade...well, when I think I'd begun writing it for the first time. Then I thought about my inspiration for all my stories, I can't remember all of them, but for the ones I can remember, I will describe where they were born from and a little bit about why.

He Plays For the Other Team: It's simple about a guy who has an emotional amnesia and entirely forgets his sexuality. For 5 years he has no idea what he is gay, he has a girlfriend and goes through life thinking he's straight until he gets to college and his roommate is openly gay.
I think this story came first, from me being depressed in 9th grade because I started it in I think that winter when I was angry and violent in my depression. I'd just been introduced to the idea of homosexuality...well, not 'just' so much as I thought about it in relation to my life and fictional worlds. I'd probably thought about what would happen if somebody forgot they were gay. For years, they had no idea as to their preference, then it comes back tot hem and their life is changed. This story was also originally going to be a PWP, but I didn't have enough caffeine in my system to deal with why I was writing smut in 9th grade. I think though that we-working the story is going to work out better than it's original incarnation. I think this could seriously be published at some point, but i don't feel comfortable working on it here, and I do what my original to re-read and to either finish there, or to start over. I want names and characterizations back again.

Travelers: Alexis, Daisuke and Arian travel from Vichura to Vuci to find some really rare jewel or gem for Aly to take to the local museum.
Travelers was always to fulfill my desire to travel. There is action and adventure, danger and, the female and male leads do not marry one another. Hell, they'd never think about it which is another important aspect to this story. This story also came after my failed adventure story about me, I needed someone different. This story makes me think of a female Indiana Jones, who dresses for the part and not to look like a skanky whore, like Lara Croft [she's going to get fucked in that outfit, imo] This story was my way to escape from reality and get away on a trip. That last great trip before college and the 'rest of your life' type of thing. I want to finish this one, I've enjoyed it.

Necropolis: This is more of a universe than just on story because it's about two groups of people, totaling 10 or 11 characters if I remember right.
This universe is just a realistic world for me to let lose in. there were originally fantastical aspects to it, but I've opted those out, but I have my other aspects. It's also a world where I can have PWP stories and regular stories depending on the relationships between the characters at the age that I'm deciding to use. The NY and London crews were created about the same time, but then I linked them. There are so many possibilities for this universe. This seriously is just a world where I can let lose in reality and have some fun. Having this as prose and comics gives me more freedom with how things happen, and I can have so much fun playing with time because the story isn't just about one point in their lives, but their entire lives. This is a universe I created in 10th grade when I took creative writing. It all started with a picture that I still have, and that really amuses me. I should find this picture...wherever I shoved it.

Outside Looking In: This story was a PWP if I ever knew it. It was all about twincest, which is creepy in the long run, but then it got away from me.
This was written about the same time as He Plays but this story also stayed very PWP. I think I was just in the mood to write about twin brothers who had a thing for one another and how their relationship progressed. It never went anywhere, and it really never was supposed to go anywhere. It was just a smutty little story world.

Untitled: [Or I've forgotten the title]: In a futuristic world where there are mo homeless people, and harems are around once more, one girl...lives...
This was another PWP, except I was like ;what if the whore was smart...and I mean brillient. Seriously?' And this came along. It was also when I decided that women should be allowed to have harems of their own and that men can be a part of the harems. But it wouldn't just be a harem, the people would be trained in the act of sex, seduction, and pleasure. They could be bought from the whore homes to be taken to your harem. there are no street walked, not really, but sometimes people whore out their harem members for some cash, and to be nice to those who can't afford to purchase a whore of their own. Dorian-Mar Cezanne has purchased her first who, Adrian-Ezra Kain, who has been in and out of the Homes because he was a free thinker. Everyone who has own him ends of getting rid of him because he's too much of a free thinker, he knows more than just sex [which he is excellent at btw] and he's getting old. After the age of 20 if a whore isn't bought, they are trained for the service industry, so they become retail workers, sanitation engineers and continue living on the dredges of society, unless they prove unruly. Sometimes the women are used to birth new whore babies to keep up that population for the harems are never really empty.
This was really just a big PWP that tried to spread out and become a story in and of it's worn right, but that never quite got off the ground, but it might one day. Dorian buys free thinkers on purpose, she puts them to work in her offices. But in the long run, I wrote this story so I could write about having a harem.

Looking at this it sounds like there were a log of PWP stories...and that's the truth. There were. When I can, I'll try to get back around to writing about the not so PWPs I have. Like there's my Hackers but that was heavily inspired by a now defunct webcomic. I have my other story that I don't think ever had a title, but in this one was a game system where you were an actual character in certain games. It was like the wii, except for it being vector art that didn't really look like you, this system had full proportioned body frames that your likeness would be matched to and in certain games you were actually playing. The games were uber personalized this way.

Well, that's all I'm writing now. I'm sleepy and I might actually be able to take a nap if I head over to Wesley House soon. We'll just see what happens.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Describing Me

I know I've said it's damn near impossible to describe the full range of Jasmine Y. P. in a few meager words, but the best bet I've thought of to describe me in one word is 'interesting'.

I think the sum of my parts makes me quite interesting in the long run because of all the conflits I have and the conflicts that I accept about me. And this song I'm listening to is crap, time to change it....As is this one...Anywho, I was walking to English this morning for my conference with my teacher and I was just letting my mind go where it wanted like usual, and i thought about describing me well...to me, and the best word i could think is interesting. Maybe interiguing, but I'm interesting to say the least. If you could just go through my bag, but for some reason never talk to me you'd learn a lot about that which is 'me' even though you'd not have spoken to me.

Well, this has no need to be epic, and I'm hungry. Lizabeth ill probable call me soon anyway. Ciao.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Nothing New

I've had some ideas, that I've ended up just contemplating then ultimately just scribbling out by hand so I wouldn't forget them. Yesterday I want back to contemplating why I like talking to certain people because I was thinking about asking Glenn what he thought might happen after my court date for speeding. I think the worst that could happen is my license gets suspended and I have an additional fine. I might not get punished too hard seeing as this is my first infraction, but I'm also not a minor, so I don't know.

But as I was contemplating why I would sooner ask Glenn this than my brothers I thought about the types of things I would go to Miguel or Dorien for. I'd go to Migs and Dor for car questions and advice for that. I'd go to Migs for specs and advice for choosing any sort of electronic. I mean, I have my own bit of knowledge about the specs that my computer has, or what any computer may have, but there are details and things that I'd go to Miguel for because that's what he'd know. Then I wondered what I'd go to Dorien for, and probably car advice, but that would also be both of them. I talk to Dorien for level headed conversation because he's much less of a bitch than Miguel is.

~~~

Something else I've contemplated to a minor degree is how easy it is for other people to talk to me. I mean I pry a fair bit, but I just happen to know things about different people. Am I just easy to talk to or is it because I'm accepting of people and what they tell me. I don't really pass judgment, and I am quite accepting of people who are different from myself. I guess it's a combination of different aspects of this that make me easy to talk to.

I have found this amusing, but I've never had a boyfriend but people do keep coming to me for advice. I've been sought out for advice from gay guys and female friends and I usually just find it amusing, but then give the logical resopnses, followed up with a few 'what if's and suggestions for with side of the issues at hand.

~~

I comment and notice the negative things I do more often than the positive things I say and do. I think that's because I don't think about it when I do something helpful for someone. I mean, i don't mind lending or giving someone some cash for something, or volunteering to do something. What I mean is I always notice when I've been especially and pointlessly rude to Elizabeth or something, but then I'll turn around and not even think about as I give her change to buy a drink, or give her [or anyone] advice about something they say. I'm oblivious to the nice things I do to or for people.

That make sme think of when I was in 6th grade and the smart and good students were allowed t once a week play with the pre-K students. Because of my patients and my longer fuse, in some situations, I was given en especially rude child. She was just a bit stand-offish and didn't always ant to play with me, so I'd end up spending the time chatting with other 6th graders who got to play with the pre-Ks, but I did try to engage my kid every week. Then one week I was either sick on the day I was supposed to be there, or the 6th graders had a field trip of something and when I was back the following week i remember the teacher telling me that the girl I had missed me. I was surprised because this girl had never seemed to really like playing or talking with me. I mean seriously, she usually ignored me. She'd be doing her own thing and I was kind of trying to follow and engage her and she wouldn't intern in gage me. I think part of what happened with her was she because used tot eh fact that I was always there, every week, without fail. She was sued tot he rhythm of my presence,m even though it was only once a week. I heard from the teacher that by the end of the year she was much nicer to people and I was seriously surprised that I had had that much of an affect on her.

~~

I could have sworn I had something else I was going to touch on here, but I can't remember it. C'est la vie.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

English Paper attempt 1

So, this is my first attempt for my English Paper for 111C. It's most craptacular, but I have changed the focus fort eh second one. The re-written paper is about a tv show, Sunny, instead of being about Shawshank. I still think it's lacking as a paper, but the minimal direction is making this annoying. And errors be dammned, I didn't feel like properly re-reading this so it's being posted as craptacular as it was when I wrote it. I'm only posting this so I have a record of it for the future. Enjoy

Trying to define a ‘favorite’ anything for me is never easy. I have groups of favorites, not one single favorite movie, book or television show. Thinking through my groups of favorites and the longevity of things I have liked with how flighty I am in my decisions my favorite movie is and has been The Shawshank Redemption based off of the novella of the same title written by Stephen King. Having read the story, it is not my favorite story, but the movie has long been my favorite movie, ever since I saw it in roughly 1997.

The Shawshank Redemption is about Andy Dufrense’s internment in Shawshank Prison in Maine. Andy, played by Tim Robbins, is wrongfully accused and convicted for the murder of his wife and her lover. He is sentenced for a double life term in Shawshank Prison where he meets Red, played by Morgan Freeman, the man who can get things, the story is also told from his point of view. Andy was a successful accountant outside of Shawshank and starts working for the warden and guards as a free accountant. He gets protection and a few special privileges from the warden for his services.

What I enjoy so much about this movie is how clever Andy is when he breaks out of prison and how his years to free work pay off for him. While Andy was doing the wardens accounting work from behind bars in Shawshank he was laundering money into a third party bank account that was created from prison. After he escapeshe informs the police of all the unpaid taxes and how many times the money for the warden was hidden from the government and how many things were accomplished off the record. The pure elegance in everything that Dufrense does to escape has always amused me.

He breaks out of prison with a rock hammer, a miniature pick axe, and by digging through the aged walls of Shawshank and escaping through a sewage pipe. He takes the third party bank account and the life of a man who had lived only on paper and makes it reality.

This movie is by favorite because of just how cleaver Dufrense was when he escaped. I also love how Freeman acted as Red. Freeman has been one of my favorite actors for years.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Music

I was originally going to transcribe and elaborate on my feelings of privacy, sharing artwork and creations and things that are personal and speak about you on different levels thank actually verbal speaking, but certain things have changed where my train of thought is and i will now shift to music and explaining my relationship with music.

~~

On more than one occasion I have credited my sanity to music, and my friends. I have credited the changes in my emotion to music and I live with music in my ear, a song in my heart, seriously, I always have music somewhere, either internally or externally depending on the situation.

Music is key to me and my emotion my mind. My cousin brought up the fact that I can read while listening to music. He said it would distract him. The music doesn't distract me from what I'm reading so much as it distracts from the world around me. The music puts me into my own cocoon of safety, protection and selfness so I can focus on what I'm setting out to focus on. The Music helps me to internalize my feelings and focus on my work, my book, my art, whatever.

I do use and keep music on for the background. I get wrapped up in it sometimes if I don't know the song and like it, like right now. I'm listening to 'Celos' by the Gotan Project. It's playing on Pandora, it's a song I haven't heard, but it's placid feeling is helping to keep me centered on what I'm trying to be centered in. Music fills in the void for that last part of my mind that is always out to find a new party, a new distraction from reality.

This isn't something easy to describe. I'll start from a beginning. This might also not be the right one for what I'm trying to accomplish at the moment, but it is a beginning that I've thought about.

When I first listen to a song I don't listen to the words. I actually ignore the words, but I listen to the sounds. the sound of the instruments, the sound of the voice[s] just the sound of the what I'm listening to. After the first few listening through then I start to pick out the lyrics, bit by bit. Then I finally listen to both the lyrics, the sound of the artist's voice and the music together as one sound. I don't think about the melding that I do, it just happens, but I do know the first time i heard a song i almost never pay any attention to the lyrics. The lyrics aren't important at that time, the feeling of the song is what i'm listening to, not the story being told.

When I'm depressed I like 'Pillmatic' by Gym Class Heroes because it's music was influenced by jazz, but there is a nice and defined skip beat with the drums throughout the song. The low tones and relaxed tempo set the emotion for the song.

I like techno and dance music when I'm happy because of just how energetic the songs are. The easy to find 4/4 or 2/4 beat make them easy to enjoy. Techno and dance mixes are also great for rising emotions because they just run with everything they've got. They're all over the spectrum of music and they just scream energy and positivity.

Rammsetin is terrific when I'm depressed or angry because that is just how German sounds. It's awesome when I'm depressed because of how certain songs like 'Amour' have a very pleasant lilting that just carries you along with the music. 'Du Hast' and 'Morgenstern' are energetic in ways that can be directed towards anger easily or towards just general emotion and activity.

Music is important because there has always ben music. There will always ben music with my family. Music is something the Three of Us have in common. The Three of Us being my brothers and myself, all have elaborate and far reaching bands and genres of music on our computers. We all love music and if there' anything we can agree on it's that music is important to all three of us. The past three times I was riding long distance in the car with my brothers some old reggae songs came on that we all knew and we sang along. We knew everything about the songs, even the scat singing because we've been listening to the same recordings of the songs for years. YEARS! we've heard these songs and sung along; 'Raggamuffin Love' by Barrington Levy 'liiife, life is what you make it, some come here my dear. just trryyy and make it, i know that you wiill. Raggamuffin-muffin gimmie the raggamuffin ya-ya. and 'Too Experienced' http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/M/msdynamitelyrics/msdynamitetooexperiencedlyrics.htm We know these songs back to front.

Music isn't just the background, it's the foreground, it's everything and at the same time, for me, it's nothing in a song. Music will always be important, it will always be key to my emotions and how i feel. My music doesn't so much as drive my emotions than it follows. However I feel dictates what I will listen to at a given time.

I can't quite remember where I was trying to go, but I'm distracted and hungry. Auf wiedersehen. I'll get back to that jounral about privacy at some point...maybe tomorrow or Sunday...

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Lasting Impressions

'They' say that first impressions are lasting, and for me I do know that's true. When I first meet somebody it's not so much that I pass judgement on them and it can't change so much that I give them an 'interest rate' if I find them interesting then I will try to and I will desire to talk to them, befriend them. All my friend were given these ratings and from this I decided to trust people.

Earlier, I was thinking about how I've changed. This past weekend I drove halfway across the state, alone, to watch a fencing tournament. I stayed in the house of one of my brother's friends, a woman I've spoken to maybe twice, and I slept in the bed of a man I just met on New Years. It's not like that, he's away at the bachelor party for a friend. I am currently alone in the friend's house with her 'evil' cat that seriously loves me. I swear, I came back last night and the cat was sleeping on my dirty laundry...cats are weird sometimes.

But back to the point so I can get to some fencing, I've never thought about how easy it is for me to trust someone and befriend them. All of my friend I've done this to. Well, Gg was a friend out of opportunity [our brothers were friends], Diane I'd befriended after she lost her clique in elementary school, but she seemed interesting which is why I noticed. Sam R. was interesting because everyone else shunned her. Alex was interesting because I thought he was cute, he reminded me of the way a webcomic artist drew herself, and he was new, and therefore interesting. Glenn was interesting because he could teach me to fence, CR just plain looks interesting, Matt L he's random, but when I first met him he was incredibly intelligent. Elizabeth was fun to talk to, easy to talk to. Allison is very silly and fun to talk to. Nick S. was interesting and amusing.

I use the word 'interesting' a lot, for me it's a word for every occasion. I draw or say 'interesting' things, I find people 'interesting' but that's a different form of interesting. Interesting is a perfect blanket term you can use to describe anything in a very non insulting way. I do love my rampant use of it.

Gahhh! Back to impressions, I have always been a very much so 'first impression' sort of person, but I am also quite willing to make changes to my opinions after I know someone better and they prove to be not as 'interesting' and I'd first thought.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Christmas Traditions

Christmas has the stereotypical traditions of opening presents Christmas morning. Spending time with the family, decorating and all that jolly TV Christmas bullshit. With my family our traditions were more along the lines of a bad Christmas comedy, but instead of a myriad of issues for the entirety of the break, there were usually 1 or 2 per winter. Or things weren't really issues, but different from the American Norm. for Christmas.

Christmas 2006: We decided to stay in Reston because our mother didn't want to make the long distance ride from VA to NY and back so we stayed down there and the family came to the house instead. This was also our last Christmas with mom.

Christmas 2005: We decide to open our presents late on Christmas Eve then drive up to New York mad early on the 25th to celebrate Christmas a second time with the NY relatives.

Christmas 2001: This is the Christmas before my Grandfather died. It was either over Christmas or Thanksgiving break he fell ill, so we kind of packed up late so we could drive up here to see him for the holiday. The traffic was hell, it took up something like 14 hours to get here. We stopped once because I had to use the bathroom and the winter iced over so much we couldn't just chip it off, we had to wait for the window to melt enough before we left the rest stop.

On other Christmas trips me and Dor would be packed into the back of the Buick with presents for the three of us, and for the family all around us. We'd get up here stiff legged from having no space to move for the entirety of the 4 hour drive.

This has all been just a really elaborate segue for Christmas 2007: The Trip.

So, we're moving along fine enough, but once we hit the Jersey Turnpike there was construction going on on one of the overpasses so we have to take a detour. This shit happened at about 5 this morning, I was pissed because the sucky road woke me up. Any who, we get off of 95 somewhere round the whereabouts of some road on Kings Street or something, I can't quite remember that one, I kind of went back to sleep on the first thirty minutes that we weren't where we wanted to be. When I woke up we were in the middle of possibly Trenton, NJ as we kept seeing signs for or about Trenton. When I realized we were in Jersey out of boredom I looked around for the Absolute Fencing Gear store. It was 5.30 and I hadn't quite fallen back to sleep yet. I'm not quite sure which road we were on, but we eventually pass a sign that says 'Princeton'. This amused me because of what Glenn said about not wanted to drive to Jersey. I laughed at Glenn in my head for a moment as we continued on not I-95. We eventually got to US1, I don't know what US1 is, but we were on that bitch for a long time. We eventually crossed a bridge that lead us to Newark and from there we got into the Bronx safely. I ended up going back to sleep until we stopped somewhere up here and the cold coming into the car woke me up.

So, Christmas 2007 hasn't even quite started and we've ha one interesting trip.

Maybe this type of story is what Glenn was talking about when he said I have the best stories about my brothers. I think his stories are more interesting than mine, but I also know all my stories back to front, and front to back. Well, let's see where break takes us this time. Last time I saw the Empire State Building, this time I got a mini-half-assed tour of Jersey. We'll just see.

~~

I actually just remembered the best/worst part of our Christmas Tradition. My Mom and Aunt Cheryl staying up all night trying to finish wrapping our gifts. We would always have to wait until they woke up after they stayed up until like...3, 4, 5 am. It was always funny, but annoying, but it happens damn near every year. For as long as I can remember they've been doing this shit, and my Aunt just said how she was going to have everything wrapped early today, and failed so she's going to be up half the night wrapping gifts for people.

~~

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Conversations I'm Never Going To Have

So wordy...but that's what I call them.

So, these Contemplations and Observations I bring up about any/everything that comes to mind are all rooted in my trying to explain the methods of my madness to others and playing through the whole scenario in my head. It's not always done in words, sometimes it's 'written' in emotion and color as I imagine how an event would feel. Other times they're fully scripted, but then I run until complications as I rationalize not going through with whatever I'd just played out in my mind.

A common one could go as such in my head/ has gone like such in my head:
- Guy 1 and I are friends
- I like Guy 1.
- I think about telling Guy 1 I like him.
-I tell Guy 1 I like him.
- Guy 1 responds positively and we're a fluffy couple (as I've yet to even experience this, I won't imagine much further atm.)

Same situation could also end like this:
-Guy 1 and I are friends
- I like Guy 1.
- I think about telling Guy 1 I like him.
-I tell Guy 1 I like him.
-Guy 1 responds negatively
- My and Guy 1 are not friends anymore
- I spiral into depression over NOT having a FRIEND [he's not even anything and I'm spiraling into depression, yeah...]

Another scenario could go as follows:

- I decide to explain where my obsession with [insert fandom] comes from
- I explain my beliefs and state both sides of the argument for and against said fandom
-Person 2 is still confused so I think of another way to say the same thing
- Person 2 is still confused so I thin of a third analogy
- Person 2 gets it, but still doesn't understand why I like said fandom
-I give up and pretend nothing happened at all
[This actually happens in real life, not usually with fandoms, but other things/activities. I can't think of a specific example atm.

These 'conversations' that I have are based off of some recent interaction, or my bored longings for interaction. If I don't have music I tend to let my mind wander and get to these sorts of topics and explanations. Everything I say in response for the people I'm basing their reactions/responses/types of responses on real reactions and conversations I've had with people. I know how my friends would respond in certain situations which is why/how I'm able to go through these in relation to certain friends. They'd be nice about things, but I also know I can't predict everything.

I think these conversations started off as 'what if' games to entertain myself when I didn't have paper, or as something to do when I had to play alone and not with my brothers as a child. It's something I started as a way to retreat into myself and not have to interact with others.

Sadly now it's something I do to run away from interaction sometimes. I also go through these scenarios before I talk to people I don't know, and I usually end up with bad outcomes because I'm a bit of a pessimist sometimes.

You know, I really don't know where I was going with this one. I wasn't quite inspired as I was for the one on observations themselves, but I have been thinking over these conversations because I keep playing these mind games to cheer myself up, but sometimes they only make things worse. I think I need to talk to some one for real, even over aim or the phone just so it's not my and my imagination anymore.

I'm tired of living all alone on this godforsaken island, but there's no one around to help me off.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Observations

As both an artist and as a scientist my primary objective is to observe the world around me. That is the extent to which these two career paths are similar. As an artist my job is to record the world as I see it. As a scientist my job is to understand why the world is the way it is and possibly to change it for my own personal gain and interest.
The things that I have most enjoyed observing in the world around me is people. Simple and complex interaction between people and the things a person does that they don't think about. It's interesting to categorize or to find similarities between how two people who have never, and may never ever meet.
Diane, a smallish friend of mine has a few interesting similarities to Laurie, another smallish friend of mine. Physically the two of them are about 5'5"/4", slender, barely hitting 100lbs, they both need glasses. Personality and habit wise both of them are easy to get into 'laughing over incredibly dorky things' mode they had a similar laugh. Not in the sound but in the things they do when why laugh or are amused by something. If they think of something funny they have to stop the conversation and share their humor. I was amused when I realized that Diane and Laurie could damn near be the same person, albeit a few key differences in age and blah blah blah but that amused me.
Habits I notice. Whilst talking to Diane I noticed she has a habit of putting her pinky finger underneath her nose when resting her face in her hand. It's like she's giving herself the appearance of having a moustache a random and odd habit she never really notices doing until someone brings it up. I have a habit of stroking my chin as if I had a beard. I notice that I do that, or that I rest my chin in my hand as if I had a beard. Topher, down in Norfolk, has a habit of keeping his hands in motion. One of the simplest ways for him to do this is to continually flip something in his hand against the table. So like a cellphone or a remote it's flipping it, sliding his fingers down the body and flipping once more. This is a habit I also do so I can explain it.
Aside from noticing habits about people I notice physical traits about them. The things I detailed in another journal here, or maybe just as a note on facebook about the things I notice when I draw cartoons of people. Teeth, eyes, common hair styles, the things people wear or the types of things. Back in September CR often wore tee shirts, black sweat pants, and sandals. I often wore gauchos, tees, light jackets, hat. Glenn, most of the time I saw him he was wearing button ups, sometimes jackets, khakis/jeans, dress shoes. Alex apparently now often seems to wear his cap [i don't know the name of the style] Shirt, sport coat, jeans. Nora often wore/wears sweater, green pea coat, jeans and has her green shoulder bag with her.
This journal does have serious inspiration. I'd picked up January's Esquire to read because of an article called 'What I Learned' where they interviewed various celebrities over the course of their lifetimes. it's made up of bits and pieces of quotes and this is the one that sparked my thoughts on observation and observing people, places, things.

"You don't go through the front door of hotels anymore, you go through the garage. Or you go through the kitchen of a restaurant. Some people want to think that's cool, that's exciting. But it'll definitely make you a little weird if you're constantly being stared at. Part of the process that I've always enjoyed is being the observer. Yo know, just watching people and learning. At a certain point, the reversal took place. I was no loner the observer-I was being observed. That's obviously very dangerous because part of an actor's job is to observe" Johnny Depp.

This quote made me think about the fact that I look at the world and I take notes on the world in my head or sometimes actually on paper. It made me think of all the watching I do and the fact that I enjoy watching.
Back in September I told Glenn "I don't go out to eat for the food, but the food is goo, I go out to eat for the conversation." When we're out to eat, It's an excellent time to observe people in a large group. It's easy to focus on the physical, the tangible about a person. Facial expressions, their voice, vocal intonations. When I think about people in my mind they are a combination of the key points to their appearance, [a rough skin tone, they're hair/hat, their clothes and colors] and it's their voice. I have different 'tracks' for everyone, different things they said that I remember. Not always for what they said, but how they said it. I can remember how two different people say the same damn thing, but the differences in their inflections makes it stand out. I can think of both Nick G. and Anthony P. and hears the differences in how both of them say 'Oh yeah'. Nick's more of a slow drawl type of recollection as he then uses this as a segue into another thought or story. Anthony's quicker pondering, then his dismissal of the topic as he makes a joke or moves onto his next thought.
Hell, I can 'hear' how different people say my name, the intonation they use for different emotions or even the motion I tied into when they said something. There's Alex L.'s whiny use of my name as we're both carrying on with some stupid joke and he's whining about whatever we're both going to laugh at. My father's angry use of 'Jaz-MIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEN' when when he'd be mad at me from when I was younger over messing up something or annoying him in any way. Yenec's drawl from when he greets me and Lizabeth at Borjo [which I'm seriously missing at the moment, both Yenec and the coffeehouse]. Mig's use of Jazz from about twenty minutes ago, Glenn's use of Jazz from some time ago. The use of 'Jazz' to get my attention because of how rare it is, and the fact that you have to be allowed to call me most anything other than Jasmine that I won't scowl at. Allison's cheerful response on the phone and many others. These aren't things I think to file away, but they're things that I have.
I observe the world around me to such an extent that it is second nature to file thought about people's habits away in my mind. I also file away how others things and where they stand for conversation. Diane is good for cheering me up and for serious conversation. As are Glenn, CR and Alex. Diane is also great for dirty jokes, and bouncing artistic ideas off of when I need someone to talk dirty with. Lizabeth is good for random girl talk and venting. Glenn is good for venting and certain imaginative contemplations. Eliana is great for random talk. Nora is good for keeping me rooted into the ground and on this Earth, no matter how far out my mind wants to cast. CR is good for silly random fun conversation and for serious conversation, well, he kicks ass at listening when I try to think through things.
I don't know where I'm going or where I went anymore. The basic thing is I like to observe people and there are different aspects that I observe and retain.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Personalities and Horoscopes

Before I went to sleep this morning, I totally should have written this, but I wanted/needed slee as I had had no nap yesterday and my ear hurts from sleeping badly on the couch. It's not near as comfortable as the ones at Wesley House, but onto my train of thought.

Personalities are not based out of anything concrete, and they are a reflection of both nature and nurture. My brothers and I all share common aspects of our personalities such as it usually takes a bit for us to seriously get angry, we're all charismatic, and other things that ae a cross between personalty and habits and such.

My question or statement for today on personalities is this: how true are horoscopes and personalties? I don't mean day-to-day horoscopes because those are so vague they could be for anyone, but the personalities that are described in those sorts of book about a Scorpio, Leo or Cancer? Same with the Chinese zodiac, just how true is that to one's personality?

I've read that Scorpios are incredibly protective of their friends and the things they love or claim as theirs. They're fiercely loyal, when in love they mean it every time. When angered they are incredibly dark. Scorpios are charismatic and are excellent people persons. They're not quick to anger, but they will hold onto thoughts of revenge for a long time. They forget their digressions to others, but never forget digressions to themselves. Scorpios would rather be behind the scenes in things than be up front and on stage. Stubborn, and I sure and hell know I am for the last couple too. Really private...the things I seriously hold close I don't tell until either know you won't tell or until it's not that important to me.

I've noticed aspects of these traits and others in me and the things I do so I want to know, am I pairing my traits to these, or is it true? I am vengeful, I want and love to have the last laugh. Every time I've liked, loved someone they monopolize my thoughts. They're all I think about until I either convince myself that I don't really love them, or until I decide not to go through with a confession because I've got more important reasons to staying in contact with them. I'm the type of person who can talk to damn near anybody, and I can make other people feel comfortable around me. I am so friggin' protective of my friends that if people knew what went through my mind when I saw them with someone I didn't know or [for whatever reason] considered a rival they would have been terrified. When I'm seriously angry my mind is a wash of red and black. The violent things I think and imagine would scare a Satanist and the Pope would want to exorcise me.

So, from this statement it would seem that the things horoscopes and and the things the zodiacs are true, but to what extent and for how many people?

I've noticed that some of the people I love the most are Cancers, the crab. Scorpios and Cancers get along swimmingly [npi*] because they're both water signs. There is a great level of comfort for them to just plain be together, even in silence. These are also some of the people I seek out most often just to toss around ideas to relax.

My Leo buddies are important for cheering me up because they really do cheer me up when I'm down. And now I'm in no mood to look up anyone else, but it still holds true. The things that I go to certain people most often for are the things that those two signs have most in common. The same hold true for the other signs and why I would seek them out for a conversation or other.

So back to my original complaint [?] should people only take horoscopes with a grain of salt [I really dislike that phrase...i still doesn't quite make sense and I've looked it up] or should we trust/believe them? I understand that not everything is true, but can something as simple as when you were born have just that much of an affect on you and your personality as it seems sometimes? I've thought about this before, and it seems that things are true, but I still wonder

*no pun intended
Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Dreams

Last night [this morning?] was the first time in a long time that i've had a dream where Mom was there. I think that's because I keep talking about her, or thinking about her, I don't know.

The morning kind of kept repeating. I was driving to school {SLHS} and we'd just see each other and say whatever pleasantries we'd decided to say. One morning, it was winter not so I decided to use the police escort service to have them drive me to school. When the cop was on her way over the twit got into an accident. Mom told me about an accident on Soapstone Dr. and I knew it was the officer who was supposed to be driving me to school, so I got into the Buick [LeSabre] and drive myself like always.

Then I woke up because I was in an awkward sleeping position...

My next dream was also odd, but it did not have my mom in it. In this dream I was heading over to another HS in the county. My and some friends, I can't remember if they were college or HS friends though. You couldn't get inside to the party or whatever the hell was going on unless you
had a date, but it didn't matter if both of you were the same gender. After getting in there was a lot of ice cream. I enjoyed a fudgesicle. Then magically it was the next day and not night time anymore. This day there was some sort of division between the ice cream that the girls and boys were allowed to have. the boys had to have fudgesicles and the girl vanilla popsicles. It was all very weird. I ate whatever the fuck I felt like eating, but I also helped to distribute the other ice creams to the appropriate gender...except for that pumpkin headed fucker who wouldn't listen to me and take his damn ice cream just because it was an oreo ice cream.

I woke up again, rolled over, and had a third dream. The third dream was just weird...and I brought up my mom again, even though I bought the book for myself, and can't remember the book I'd bought anyway. It was on the odd side. And I was pissed in the dream, but I can't remember too much of it...

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Here is my reflection for the year. I don't give a fuck that there are 16 days left before the year is over, I'm in the right introspective mood, and I'm finally not bawling my friggin eyes out from being so depressed that i am out of control.

This year has been both the best and the fucking most god awful worst year of my life.

How this year has kicked ass. I graduated from high school this year. I got my driver's license, went to Otakon, and spent the majority of the summer hanging out with Alex and Nora. I left home and have finally been considered an adult in and of my own right. People older than me are not seeing me as 'Pat's Daughter' or 'Miguel and/or Dorien's Little Sister' or as 'Miguel's Daughter' [my father and brother are both named Miguel] I'm being seen as 'Jasmine, an intelligent young adult.' I live more or less under my own digression down at school. I'm in college! I met all my new college friends. I went out on a limb and tried something new, fencing.

What made this year the most suck of ever was my mother dying and not being able to see any of the above. What has also made this year full of suck was this years depression. It's been worse than before I think, but I've also had the means to better deal with it, for the most part.

~~

This past year I spent a lot of time with my mother before she died. I know the day I grew up in one sense of the word. I took control of my life and I hold the reigns in a decent grasp most of the time. But I seriously think that leaving the house and going out on my own without the safety net or the restraint of my family has been the best thing for me. I have been happier than ever before, so even with that hell of a valley in my life, I seriously think that 2007 has been my best year ever. I also happily know that it won't be the reigning king of years for too long because I know that there are bigger and better things in my distant and not so distant future.

Things for me to look forward to:
More Fencing
A Boyfriend
A Husband
Graduating From the University
Graduating from Graduate School
More Kick Ass Friends
Publishing 'Travelers'
Publishing 'Travelers' As A Graphic Novel
Becoming Renown For My Botanical Research
My Lemon Trees Bearing Fruit
Traveling With My Friends
Visiting My Friends Who Plan On Living In Other Countries
The Unknown, The Unplanned, The Unexpected

Free Of Everything, Bound By Nothing
Living The Life I Was Given.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

What Makes A Home?

To follow up what has been mentioned to a minute degree in this journal I don't feel at home here in Reston anymore. I don't know if it's because my mother is gone, or what but my brothers don't really make me feel welcome in my own house. Technically 1/3 of this house is mine, but I damn near don't want it. I am aggravated here and the past two times I've been home I spent most of my time out driving elsewhere or trying to not be in the house at all. Things keep changing and I seem to have little to no say in it. I seem to not have any say in this house and I rarely talk to my brothers. It's maybe once every two weeks, which is pretty crappy. They don't instigate contact with me either, we've become very disconnected and I seem to be on an island of my own all alone up here. I think I know what I want to do, but I need some time to seriously think about it and to talk to my friends to try to get a little bit of advise before I tell my brothers my plan.

I think I just need to straight up move out of here. They don't like spending 6 hours in a car to get me, and we don't really spend that much time together and they don't really try to figure out that I've been up to or what I do down there. I'm not moving in with my father because that would be hell. He has no say over what I do because I am an independent, dependent on no one but myself, and those who I seek out for advise. I'm not being told what to do or when. I'm not getting a curfew or any of that bullshit, and especially not from him because he's never tried before and he can't tame me. He could tame Patricia Ruth [Hall] Pinales and he sure and fuck won't be able to tame Jasmine Y. Pinales.

My great escape plan is to get an apartment down in the Norfolk area. I can maybe just afford room & board and utilities. I'd need a job first, so I need to get that secure before I go out to rent something. I also need someone to live with and the car. This is not fair that I'm not allowed to have a fucking car! I want my damn Elantra, or you two bastard better fucking trade in that damned Buick and give me the 'new' car! I swear, it's not fair!

I'm too annoyed to sign off with my usual dismissal so I will end on this note:

I'm tired of being alone.

Hmm, Well, that opened up me to review my concept of 'alone'. I think it has most often just be a more emotion type of solitude that I am disagreeing wiht not a physical one. I think that is why phone conversations have been useful because they keep me from having to deal with my emotions alone by talking to someone. I've spoken to two people about the solution to my dilemma and they both think I should go through with this, but I want to get the opinion of a few other people, and I need to check out just what I'll be able to afford if I go through with that.

But to my concept of being alone. There are specific people with whom I feel the most comfortable talking to when I'm stressed or depressed.

Elizabeth because she's very calm and will accept just how far my emotions will rage and try to calm me back down to my usual calm demeanor. It takes a bit to get her seriously riled up which helps when my emotions take violent turns and are flung out of my periodic fragile grasp. She listens and tries, even against my pessimistic tendencies of depression to get me to try things...even if I don't always listen having someone else tell me something I've already thought of cements it into my mind so I know I'll have to act on it at some point of time.

Glenn because he listens and gives intelligent responses when I need that type of thing. It seems to take a fair bit of aggravation to ruffle his feathers which means I can throw the more extreme thoughts and he'll respond in a way that'll make me think and forcing me to slow down and think brings me back to where I need to be. He listens to be vent and even when he doesn't have a good response he'll just listen and try to cheer me up.

C.R. because he listens and once more very sympathetically tries to calm me back down and succeeds a it =D His calm demeanor and silly responses throw me off track which distracts me form what angers me. The pure simplicity of his responses throw me for a loop and that makes me think through what upset me so I can find someway to fix it. He doesn't mind any thought I throw which is useful because I have a tendency to rant and ramble so being able just to talk and have those unpredictable changes to where my thoughts flow is quite useful.

Alex because he just listens and calmly responds. He responds to my more extravagant ponders in ways that amuse me. He is able to calmly look at the cards I lay before him and organize the important ones and help me to get rid of the ones that need to be gotten rid of. He's trust worthy...except for answering his phone kind of...and calling back. He fails at that, but other than that, I trust him with damn near any thought in my head. Hell, he even listened to me explain one of my more ..interesting story ideas...one that I want to seriously go back to at some point

There you have it, the people who work best at helping me get back to where I need to be to not lose my mind in the extremes of anything. Well, not so much 'anything' just the things they each hear. Everyone is important to me, but this people more so, in a way...Just trust me when I say that without them I wouldn't be the person I am because I've needed many hands to get out that the vicious valleys that make up my depression. Those slopes are easy to not notice as I slide down them, but they're a bitch to climb back up without a few helping hands. These hands are just the ones that helped the most.

I'm noticing a pattern with the people I trust the most. They're calm and they are all excellent at bringing me back to where I need to be psychologically.

Well, that was two journals all in one post...I feel better and the usual conclusion remains I guess. More to come later.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

make them hear you

I can't think of a better title, but this works sine this is nothign more than a few rambling thoughts.

So, last night with everyone was fun. Raving Rabids was more fun than I'd thought it would be. Hanging out with everyone held my depression at bay. I didn't realize that fact until I was going to bed at about 2 this morning and I had no real desire to sleep. I'd thought I was done, but I'm just keeping it all at bay only just barely. I need this shit to end. I'm just so fuck tired of it all. Not living, I've no real qualms with life, but I do have issues with this depression, and at the moment I don't want to be alone. Heh, my usual complaint, 'I don't want to be alone' or 'I don't trust myself to be alone'

Heh, 'Make Them Hear You' by the Black Eyed Peas, I can't make anyone hear me. Damn this depression to hell. I'm just glad I've got enough sense to try to fight it. I just keep loosing the damn fight. Hmm, I think that since today is my last day down here I deserve one last drink from Borjo....maybe a red-eye. I mean, i haven't had one of those in about a month. The problem isn't today though, it's going to be tomorrow when I'm crashing like a two year old behind the wheel on 95. But that's beside the point... I'll decide when I get there. I think maybe I should write. Problem is I don't know who to write about. I'd also rather not create any more characters, the 70, 80 some I have at the moment are out there enough to last me a life time...

I think it's time for a round of phone tag as I try to find someone or something to hold my attention for the next two hours. Later days.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

Gender Barriers...

...and the periodic lack there of.

So, last night at TFC I was amused when I witnessed, and was a part of a group of guys [granted, there are mostly guys here] acting like a gaggle of girls whilst enviously talking about how Mr. Kim was instructing Jason and Nick in sabre. And there were the stories about how he was ranked 27th in the world for epee, I think Eddie said, and it costs something like $200 for a month of lessons from him.

I'm standing there, mostly listening since I didn't have much I needed to add aside from sounds of awe and such, and I was amused by the fact that there are times where the whole gender barrier is non-existent.

So, I've totally lost my train of thought for this observation, and I doubt I'll ever really finish it

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.