Being A Blogger

I guess this is technically a blog. It's on Blogger, but I don't quite consider myself a 'blogger' these are more often streams of consciousness that no one reads and I'm fine with the fact that maybe a friend or two of mine reads this. I don't really want or need people responding other than people who know me. I put this out here on the internet for myself. I catalog my life here so my friends can read about what happens when we're not together, but also so people have the opportunity to figure out why I may be acting differently from my own norm.

I was reading the August Wired and they had this article about this chick, Julia Allison or whatever the fuck her last name is, and how this woman aggressively pimps everything. She pimps her Twitter, her blogs, her vlogs, everything about her life. She lives for the attention. I don't. I barely want attention from people I know at times, like from Mikey or Santos at the USBG. Their intense interest in me is quite odd and disquieting at times.

To me, someone who fits the mantel of a 'blogger' is someone who puts their everything out there and people respond. People they don't know. I get no responses here. This journal has been up since September 2007, and i've never gotten a single response, but I do know people have been here. My profile pageview counter is somewhere around 30, and I know of t least one person who reads this periodically.

This is a stream of consciousness that I maintain for myself. I would rather have ten years of anonymity than one hour of celebrialtiy online because tis is for me. If necessary, I'll make another blog for more 'public' affairs. Like how I wanted a separate Flikr for my fencing photos, but it's apparently one account per e-mail, I may make that other e-mail just for those photos. Hell, it would sit there and collect spam, just so I could keep my personal photos separate from my club's photos.

Different facets of my life get different attention. My private and public stay separate. For the most part, they conjoin with me. What's funny is I think you could start on one end of my various websites and following links to damn near every other site, not that I have that many that are active.

I guess this was more about my personal life and keeping it private than about being a blogger, unless both concepts go hand in hand. I mean, being a blogger is about choosing aspects of your personal life to put online, aspects of your opinion about things in life that you're going to put online. I choose to put my mind here for others to try to comprehend. I don't always understand what I put here, but I do know it's important to me. if not, why write it?

This one went in circles. Worse than usual. Interesting, my stream of consciousness. Or is it dull? I've been told it's interesting. I wouldn't know. I almost never read my own writing.

Jasmine P.

What Do You Believe In?

I've seen Dark Knight twice, which is adequate to give it a proper review and I have a lot of opinions about the movie and Gotham U. to think on and respond to.

Part the First: Joker.

When I say 'Joker' I don't just mean Heath Ledger, but also Jack Nicholson, The Joker from the books, every series and entity of Batman ever and will be.

Quite understandably and considered by many people, but I agree with the opinion that the Joker is the greatest Batman villain of all times. Batman has such contempt for the Joker, and the joker goes to such great lengths that no one understands that makes him the greatest villain in my opinion. As described my Christopher Nolan, The Joker has no creation story. He's just a Freak that shows up in Gotham one day and runs amok. I think that part of the reason that The Joker is the greatest villain is the fact that he doesn't make sense. He has no motive that Batman can figure out or find. The others in his rogue's gallery have a reason for their vendetta against Gotham. Joker's motivation seems to be that Batman exists at all. I think that's an important aspect of the character that writers need to keep in mind when writing for him. When writing him in general. The best Jokers are the ones who don't have a plan. The one's who confuse Batman to no end. The ones who make you want him to win instead of Batman.

Part the second: Batman's Rogue's Gallery

I think that Batman has always had one of the classiest of Rogue's Galleries out there. This has to do with what Gotham is and when Gotham takes place. Not the stories, but Gotham itself. No matter when, integral parts of Batman cannot leave the 40s when Kane and everyone else created the characters. Gotham is a character in the story and in the Universe. It's a character that encompasses everything else. But as for the villains, some of the villains that give Batman the greatest challenge are the classiest dressed. Not quite the best, but the classiest. The Joker, The Penguin, Two-Face, Solomon Grundy, and The Riddler to name a few. If the Batman U wasn't next to time the way it is people wouldn't accept the villains staying so dressed up. Many of the other big comic book series out there have everyone in spandex or native clothing to their homeland, or something out there. Batman has some of the most down to earth dressed characters, with some of the most whacked out personalities.

In my opinion, his Gallery is one of the most impressive because they're all brilliant. They can't be stupid in what they do. They know their risks, they throw caution to the wind. The know their chance of survival, partially due to Batman's no killing stance. They know he'll never kill them, but they also know he'll beat them to a bloody pulp. They're also brilliant in how they monopolize the lives of so many and in how they systematically harm them. Some of the greatest were listed above, but some of my favorites are Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn and Catwoman. Catwoman is the greatest female villain because she is so wrapped up in Batman and he in her that they can't resit one another, costumed or not.

I think my favorite aspect of the Batman U is that everyone is a human. They're marred humans, but humans none the less. They don't have super powers, they have abnormalities created by science and the real world that make it ever more acceptable.

Par the Third: Short Comings

Yes, I do love and adore the newest Batman, but there is something missing. There's a feeling, a tast of something missing from the movie. There are also a few too many threads in the movie. They could have introduced Dent without Lau. I think Dent in court as the DA for the mob would have been fine without adding in Lau. He was a bit of an unnecessary complication in my opinion.

There were also a few strings in the over all story that could have been cleared up a bit better.
They could have displayed Gordon's family interaction a bit more than just after his return home and saving them. Lau's presence.

Things would have been just as entertaining and simple if there was just Batman, Joker, Harvey, the mob and the socital stance on Batman which is always important to the series. But I still love the movie. It can't be compared to Iron Man because though both movies were about superheroes, they were on two different aspects of heroism, their motivation is entirely different, their execution of being a hero and the over all feeling of both films were different. Iron Man overall was a lot more light hearted than Batman was. That's just how both movies are. I love them both for different reasons.

Last thing: Joker in drag, favorite part ever! Well, the Joker in general. Fave villain after Catwoman. Well, not quite after, but next to. They're awesome for their own reasons and the two of them are upfront in my mind, but everything the Joker was in the movie was amazing. The greatest tragedy of Ledger playing the Joker is that the Joker is such a force in the Gotham underworld that it can't be right without him and whoever puts on the white face paint next won't be right. IT won't work out as well in this entity of Batman. The joker damn near shouldn't be used again until the next endeavor because of what he is to Gotham. Such a power that can't be controlled and can't be the same.

Jasmine P.

Displaying my Art

While washing some dishes and playing my usual game of 'If I I Meet A Celebrity, I'll Ask Them These Questions' I was explaining why I was curious for 'one of the harder parts you did in your opinion' instead of 'what is the hardest part you've ever played' because trying to define something as a 'hardest' of any extreme is not easy, and it's not something I condone because verything has it's own difficulties and eases.

I was explaining my wording and relating it to pieces I do. There are things I dislike about most everything I do, and no matter how many things I dislike, there's usually some little thing I like about a piece I've done. And That got me to thinking about why I show people my art.

I don't show people my art to be told 'it's great' because most of my friends are not artists. They think damn near every doodle, every sketch, every finished piece is amazing. I sure as hell don't, not for my art, or anyone else. There are aspects I like. But what I had gotten around to thinking was I show people my art for their reactions. Their responses, questions, understanding, acceptance, confusion. I'm not digging for compliments. I'm digging for responses that I can file away. There are people whom I show my work who most often respond with 'that's nice, but why are you showing me this?' it gives me the chance to explain something I've created, in turn explaining myself, but it gets me away from the 'yes men' who think it's amazing that I an hold a pencil, a pen, anything in such a fashion that I am able to make something out of it.

My line of questioning is more on the aspects of a film, of a project and working on it more so than a laundry list of favorite, least favorite parts. My questioning gave me the 'why' What was a hard aspect of a part? Why? What is something about a past performance you'd want to change? That damn near gives me the 'why' without having to ask it. This question is also fun because actors always want to change and improve a performance, but can't. I think it'd be fun to hear about some of the things they wish to change about their performances, or parts they disliked and wish they hadn't done, or any myriad of things. My list of questions goes on and is probably terribly redundant after a while.

~~~

Part of what got me thinking about this was reading 'A Guide TRYS' the book that inspired the movie. It's interesting to see that Dito didn't so much as write about himself whereas he wrote more about the people around him and his interaction with them, which at the same time says a lot about himself. He's not vain and he loved the people he was around. A Guide is also great because of how it's written. It's not one long narrative, it's written more like how he'd be telling the story to someone else. There are interjections about how a past event made him feel and so forth. That makes it interesting. And the chapters aren't terribly long. It's just about one chapter per interaction. 'Tag' was one chapter, but it was about general tag games, and one special tag game. Nothing's really in chronological order which also makes it interesting to read as time just around.

Reading this was making me think of the movie and commentary with how Dito kind of let the actors do what they would and how things worked. I remember hearing RDJ talking about filming the movie with Dito and how only Dito would make a movie with five acts. Or from Dito talking about how he had the actors really go at it in a scene, like the scene where Young Dito was being beaten up by the Reaper, he told the actors to really wail on LaBeouf for the scene. Or in the retaliation when Antonio attacked the Reaper, Dito told him to hit him as hard as he could upside the back of the head with the prop bat. It made me think about difficulties that actors have with some directors, but also how different directors tackle a movie, or people who aren't 'trained' as directors but become directors.

Did I mention a spoiler warning? Too late.

My point in bringing in Dito's directing style is that letting the actors give everything they could as they saw necessary, as they felt the characters felt gave them a real humanity and at the same time showed a real vulnerability int he actors. It would also prove to be more difficult for everyone involved because it wasn't the lack of directions the actors didn't have, it was showing so much of themselves in these characters. It was a different sort of challenge for the actors to go for it which made it's own difficulties. That lead me to my who thing about my own art because as I pose these questions in my head I give my responses for other people which have little bearing on what their responses would really be because I don't know more than what I've read online or gleamed from commentary or interviews.

Jasmine P.

Necropolis Writing Challenge

THE CHALLENGE

Use the following:
-a scented candle or oil burner
-a lamp
-a reference to the ocean
-a closet
-you can only use the word "I" 5 times
-keys
-a gate
-the word 'susurrus' (means 'many whispers')
- 1 dazed look
-a dance of some sort (in whatever fashion you choose, silly dancing, an actual gala affair, whatever)
-a quote from a play
-a one word title

------

A little bit of info =D

Originally I was going to use random characters for this, but changed my mind to use Necropolis for this story. Characters can be found here. This world takes place in prose and in comics and images so things end up happening all over their time line. It's quite a fun playground.

A bit of back information to makes things easier. There are two major cities for Necropolis, New York and London, half the cast in each city.

New York consists of Solomon and Donovan, and Zanita and Giovanni. London has Bohemien and Amadeus, Sebastian [Tia] and David, and Violet. Timetéo, a stray kitty 'lives' near Violet.

Zy and Gio have known each other since they were children and met Sol and Don when the summer between 10th and 11th grade. Don who is older than the other three, was always gay and confesses his love to Sol after Sol's 19th birthday, two years after meeting. Sol, after some soul searching, accepts.

In London Bo and Tia are fraternal twins; Tia's the older of the two. Ama have been a friend since they were children, he's two years older than they are, and confesses his love to Bo when they're in middle school [that's something that needs to change actually...] David has known these three for years, since primary school pretty much; he and Tia start dating when they are in high school, after years of telling people they weren't together. Violet is Tia's best friend.

Both factions met and became friends when Ama was in med school in America with Don. Ama met the NY group, befriended them, and over the next few years both groups have interacted and are one giant friend mob of sparkles and amazing. Their rough ages put Don and Ama at about 24; David, Bo and Tia and Vi are 23 and 22; Sol, Gio and Zy are 21, 20.

I hate choosing surnames so only various character have them, but in the midst of writing this I had to come up with one. David’s surname is Ellis

-----

Celebration

Tia leaned down to kiss David. Their friends and family all cheered for them as they became ‘one’ in matrimony. They had already lit the large candle that represented the flame of their love for one another. The rings had been exchanged and they performed the final acts necessary to unite their lives under the eyes of God. Violet was Tia’s Maid of Honor and Boehmian was David’s Best Man. Their other friends fleshed out their small party on the beach.

“You are now Mr. And Mrs. David Ellis,” the minister said smiling at the two of them. “May your days be long, your lives happy and your children plentiful.”

The happy couple had said their ‘I dos’ one sunny late afternoon in mid July, on a beach in the Bahamas. The waves crashed against the shore leaving trails of white foam in the sand as they retreated. Attending the wedding were their families and some of their friends. On the groom’s side of the audience a trio of colorful gamers cried over the loss of one of their own from the bachelorhood of being a gamer. They knew that they could never be so lucky to find someone as accepting and as special as Sebastian was.

They newly married couple walked hand in hand down the aisle and through the gate that separated their individual lives from their unified married life. David looked up as his new bride thinking how gorgeous she looked in her pale lilac gown. She was his everything and he knew he’d be nowhere without her. Sebastian thought he was at his most handsome with his normally green dyed hair in its natural whitish-tan as he promised her it would be for their nuptials. It had been an issue of concern months earlier, but Tia promised him it would be the only time she would make him change his appearance. She wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed by his hair, only the opposite, she loved it natural, and it was springier without the additional color chemicals in it. She was slightly forlorn knowing it would probably be years before she saw it natural again.

The party moved from the beach to a small manse on the island where the reception was being held. There were native flowers decorating the tables and the room had a pleasant flowery and plant smell. The party took this time for photos while classical music and orchestral video game music played in the background. Some of the guests took to the open bar sampling the local rums in various concoctions and kicking off and evening that they probably wouldn’t remember.

Donovan stood with Solomon, the two of them dressed elegantly with white tailed tuxedos, Donovan’s with green accents, Solomon’s with blue. Solomon sipped his drink as he and his lover watched the couple receive their guests.

“Sol, this makes me want a commitment ceremony,” Donovan whispered into Solomon’s ear. They were on equal height now, unlike when they met and Don stood a few inches taller than his younger lover.

The older man hugged his younger half as he started to imagine what they’d look like and how their ceremony would go. His face took on a dreamy quality so he didn’t notice Sol roll his eyes at his lover, but his cheeks redden from how serious he was about their relationship.

Solomon thought about it, pictureing something smaller than Ellis wedding.. Something virtually impossible for the heir of Bonez Corp. but a fantasy none the less. He hadn’t even come out of the closet to his parents. They still only thought that they two young men were nothing but friends. This was something the two were still at odds against, Sol was trying to find the best time to tell his parents that he might not actually provide the family with an heir.

Not too far from the newly married couple Giovanni stood with his girlfriend, mostly happy to be back at her side. He knew she wouldn’t be on Solomon’s arm for long, but was still happy to be back at her side. “You were gorgeous up there. I know what when we get married, you’ll look even better.”

“’When we get married?’ Is that some sort of proposal, now?” Zy asked playing with Giovanni’s hair.

“Nonotreallynghh... But… Engh…Wait, let me ex…yes…no. Ihh,” the young man wanted nothing more than to run for a minute. He was distressed. He wanted to say yes, but he had no ring and nothing to prove what he wanted.

Zanita saw how Giovanni reacted from her teasing and was a little surprised with how flustered he became. “Calm down, Gio. We have to get through school first, don’t worry about it. Relax,” she pulled her boyfriend’s face to hers and kissed his forehead hoping she’d be able to get him to stop worrying. “Before you go and try to get any rings, how about you get me a mojito, and I’ll be right over there with Violet.” Giovanni walked off with a nod to get the drink she wanted. He decided to get a rum and coke while at the bar. It would help.

“’Time eases all things,” Zanita said approaching Violet and giving the taller woman a hug.

“Oedipus Rex.” Violet said responding to a little game the two of them had. One would give a quote, the other, where it was from. “I know, but still.” Violet had spent many years pining for her friend. She was happy for her, but until their kiss she imagined Tia leaving David and getting together with her. Zanita had figured out how Violet felt, which lifted a weight off of Violet’s shoulders having someone to confide in if nothing else.

“There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution”

“Dorian Gray,” Zanita replied as Giovanni walked up with her drink.

“I should have come here first to get your drink too.” He said feeling bad about not be a better gentleman.

Violet looked at the younger man and smiled. “It’s alright, there’s plenty of time in the evening to drink. Or, I could just swipe yours,” she said right before taking his rum and coke and knocking it back so fast she could barely taste it. The dark rum used in the drink burned, a familiar feeling from drowning her sorrows on other nights. “Now, go be a good boy and get me a rum and coke of my own.”

Giovanni sighed as he did as he was told. Zanita laughed as her boyfriend trotted off to fulfill Violet’s demand. “That wasn’t very nice, you know.”

“But it was funny and I feel a bit better now.” Violet said laughing with her friend.

The newly married couple was far from being finished with receiving their congratulations for their marriage, but they took a break and listened to the susurrus and the din of conversation around them. They laughed at their younger cousins dancing with one another to the music. They shared their own hushed assumptions as to who would be married next out of their close groups of friends. Tia thought Zy and Gio could be next. David though Bo and Ama had more of a chance. Though both supported Don and Sol, it still didn’t seem like the two of them would be together for the long haul. They watched Giovanni and Zanita laughing when Gio got flustered after looking so manly and confidant.

“You, my dear, may be right about them being next.” David said smirking. “You may be right, but they still seem a little young to me. Gio’s only just turned 21, Zy’s going to be 20 for a few months yet.”

“True, but just think of their wedding.” Tia said before turning to a cousin who was apologetic about missing the ceremony and being delayed by a storm out of Ireland.

David raised an eyebrow. “Tia, they are just like the two of us, except Gio’s still not half as stable we were at his age. Zy would probably end up taking care of most everything.” Sebastian raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘as if it wasn’t me who did most of it’.

“You did most everything, but I had my own bit of influence. Aside from the music,” he said laughing as an orchestral rendition of the Legend of Zelda theme was played by the quartet they had hired.

Sebastian laughed with her husband as the song made her want to play Ocarina of Time for a bit. “I do quite like your lighting choice. Candles create a cozy atmosphere as the evening draws on.” She kissed her hubby, quite happy with how her—how their day had gone.

“Ama, let’s dance,” Bohemien said pulling his lover closer to the musicians where there was a small dance floor.

“Bo, we’re not dancing to a video game song. Or at least wait until the jazz band comes out. I love strings, but little beats a jazz band.” Amadeus said pulling his blind boyfriend back to his side. “If only you could see how good your suit looks on you.” He cooed petting his lover’s cheek with his knuckles.

Bohemien lifted his face toward Amadeus’ placing a soft kiss on his lover’s lips. “As long as you can see me, it’s fine. You’re the only one who matters to me. Well, everyone else matters, but you matter more.”

“The wedding was gorgeous. You were quite handsome up there next to David. Your sister was radiant. Hell, she still is.” Amadeus held the younger man smiling. “Your mother would be proud.”

“Ama, could you go get our gift? It’s upstairs in the closet still.” Bohemien said after a moment thinking about the mother he had until he was 6. “You have your key for the room?”

“It’s in my wallet. Do you want me to take you to your sister, or do you want to rest?” Amadeus asked wanting him to be comfortable until he got back.

Bohemien thought for a moment. “Take me to Tia please. But don’t forget about our dance when the jazz band gets here.”

Amadeus rolled his eyes, smiling. Though Bohemien couldn’t see this, he got the feeling when Amadeus sighed before responding “We will dance when the jazz band is here after dinner. But until then, congratulate your sister.” He said leading one twin back to the other. Their two men stood off to the side as the siblings hugged and had their own moment. “David.”

The gamer looked at the older man, “Hn?”

“You better take good care of my sister over there.” Amadeus said pointing at the twins.

“Ama, you’ve know me for years. You know me! Is this really necessary, we’ve been brothers for a long time now,” David replied almost not believing what Amadeus was saying to him.

“All the more reason to take good care of her. She’s my only sister. Bohemien may not be married to me yet, but she’s my sister, and you’re now my brother.” Amadeus said leaning on the other man, “And as long as you always do right by here, as you have in the past, you’ll be fine. Congratulations. You’re the best things to happen to one another, you know that?”

“Yeah. I’m pretty damn lucky to have here.” David said smiling as some of his friends from London came over to express their well wishes. The evening was getting under way and everything seemed to be right for the young couple and their nearest and dearest on this auspicious day.


-------------

I do like how this came out over all. Everyone is in character, and pretty appropriate for their ages considering I usually keep them to their younger ages and I don't work with the London crowd as much as the English crowd.

[BTW, this took way to freakin' long to write! 4 hours off and on. maybe 3 working hours.

Jasmine P.

Old Dream

YEah, WE we all know I'm known for having some weird fuck dreams.

The first part of my dream involved Gg. There was some weird portal to another world through her house. So, you know, people wandered back and forth. The other world was less technologically advanced, and for some radon at the top of an impossibly tall mountain.The woman's house at the other end of the portal looked like a hell hole. Poor type of hell hole

At some point when I was in the real world, in some parking garage for some reason Robert Downey Jr WAS Iron Man, got his assed kicked by this other guy who had a ring that turned him into different heroes and villains. First he was Gambit, the carton Gambit, then he turned into the Joker, one of his friends was Harley, and he switched around through heroes and villains for a while. [I think he stole a ring that would make the Iron Man armor about RDJ, it was something odd]

He decided to attack RDJ/Iron Man and I happened to be down there so I'm hiding behind cars as best I can. RDJ knows I'm there and is trying to protect me/ get the suit so he can kick some villain ass. Alfred [yup, from Batman] shows up with RDJ's keys, on which is a one way communicator/ tracking device so people know where RDJ is and so when he needs help he can get in contact with Terrance Howard/War Machine. With RDJ distracting the villain, I have the keys and am telling Terrance how to get to where we are and to bring the Iron Man armor, and I try to explain the situation to him and how RDJ is protecting me.

I'm talking into the communicator and say something odd like 'If not for me, do it for RDJ. He's protecting me. He needs the help.' Desperate because the man is on the front line, but he's never really injured.

The villain doesn't know exactly what the keys are, he things they have something to do with calling the suit to us then tries to attack me, but I keep hiding behind cars. I kick him in the balls when he's a super-deformed Joker, I tell him he looks like a retard like that, then I run as War Machine shows up and gives RDJ what he needs to get the Iron Man armor on, it's little and portable now. [I have no idea where it came from-Like a back up ring for the one that was stolen earlier]

They kick ass and I get to hang out with two celebrities for the rest of the day. We're in the other world and RDJ is being challenged to fight for real, without the Armor. He and Terrance both accept the challenge. We're sitting on some hill talking and eating. Jeff Bridges is not to far from me at first, but when RDJ and Terrance sit down behind me he moves. For some reason I take off my glasses, then decided to return RDJ's keys, but in the late afternoon light they both look the same so I squint trying to figure out who's who and finally say 'You're Robert?', Terrance laughs because I was looking at him, well they both laugh, then Robert takes the keys. Embarrassed, my defense was 'I'm not wearing my glasses!'

We continue to talk, the three of us, and I think I ask something about talking at some point and try to get a number or way to contact, but now I can't remember.

We leave the Other World and return to our world. This time leaving we don't him the Portal Keeper's kids, who most people hit as they drive back up the mountain. You wouldn't make it without a car, seriously. RDJ and Terrance disappear at this point and I think we have plans to talk the next day.

I'm walking through Gg's house and the kid who played Nerf in 'A Guide TRYS' is there flirting with, then just plain harassing Gg. I go and stop him, then we get into this weird conversation about knives. I talk about how I need to get a real one, all I have is my X-acto. She tells me she got hers form cigar town.

I leave and stop at the mailbox when I get home. There's a lot of mail. I have a new DVD, and some marble notebook shows up addressed to me. I don't know who it comes from. Dorien gets something in the mail, and then there's random other mail. In the house I'm thinking about the conversation for the next day then I start to wake up and can't fall back to sleep.

~~~

Odd bit of dream I had. Like so many, odd, but I'd have it again, even if I risked my dream life.

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

---- don't know why it wasn't properly posted before, but here it is.

Guides, Saints and Friends

July 3^rd, 2008 -10.15 pm – 10.50pm

I just finished watching ‘A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints’ I’ll call it ‘Guide’. Spoilers, be wary

I have many things to say, so many thoughts running rampant through my head. No rhyme or reason. My response to the movie, to life at the moment, to where I am in what I’m doing with my life.

I haven’t cried when watching a movie since I saw ‘Finding Neverland’ last summer when I realized that the mother died. Before that, I don’t know. I cried today when Mike, Mik, died. I loved him. His accent, his personality, the fact that he was a clean, upright personality in the hello that Dito had to live with. Mik was something positive. Mike was something kind and new. Mik wanted to stop the violence and get Dito out. They had to get away rom the insanity before things got to deep, but before they could. Before they could get out of New York Mik was shot down. He died a senseless death. His death, the only good thing Dito had in his life was gone. Mik was a future, a positive future. That had to have been hard to write and harder to film.

Loss. Loss of what’s good in one’s life is quite devastating. I think about my loss. The magnum opus of loss in my short 19.5 years of life, 19.6, I don’t know, don’t care. Last year everything changed. I changed in an instant. I say I have no regrets. That used to be true. My one regret from everything I done is how I interacted with my mother. If I could go back, knowing what I know, I’d try to lie less. I’m a terrible liar anyway, I don’t know why people believe me. I mean, I can be brutally honest, tactfully honest unless I’m going to get hurt, then It’s everyman for himself and I lie terribly.

My regret is that she’s dead. She’ll never get to see me as an adult. She won’t be able to see me as what I’ll become. She only knew me as the fuck up I was, the fuck up I am. I keep saying I’m brilliant, but if I’m so smart, why don’t I pass my classes? If I’m so smart, why don’t I go after what I know will help everything. I regret that she won’t be able to see me in 15 years, she won’t be able to see my great ‘return’ afte I’ve made something of myself.

In Guide, Dito left New York after Mik died and didn’t return for 15-20 years. In California Dito made himself into something better that what he had at home. I left everything to save himself. They never left him. His friends, with all their faults and issues, they were his saints. The point of the movie. But what’s important about this is that when he came back, his father was able to se how he grew up. His father and mother saw how he grew and changed. My mom will never be able to see this. For a normal person, they’d turn their attentions to their other parent, but I don’t care about my father. I’ll mourn whenever he dies, but where I am right now, I don’t care about him.

It’s cold. It’s the truth. He’s one of the few, one of the many who doesn’t know this. I don’t care. He doesn’t care about me, why should I care about him? I can’t change because he’ll never live up to even the most minimalistic expectations. All I want, all I want ot expect is to be truly cared about. That’s what I want. That’s something I’ll never have every again. Well, not for a while. I know my first boyfriend will care, but it’s won’t be the same. I want my mother. She’ll never see how strong I’ve become. She was the most important person in my life for 18.5 years and she still is. Her memory, everything. I miss her, I need to settle things. So much is buried. I need someone with the shovel to dig it out. I need someone to get in here with me and help me back out. Not a shrink, something more visceral, a true connection to fix everything.

On the flip side of my mom not seeing what I’ll become is that fact that everything changed last year. If she were still alive I’d be a very different person. I’d grow to be some sort of adult that wouldn’t be what I’ll turn into. I pray that what I end up as though, is something she’d be proud of. Be it a botanist, or be it a comic artist.

~~~

Today started out as a good day. I was up at 7.17, too used to working for going to the USBG, but that’s alright. I woke, read, fucked around on the internet. Whatever. Went to the store then hung out with Alex for a while. Good times, most of which were caught on tape.

I truly don’t know if there’s anyone I trust more on this earth. The most trustworthy, the best friend ever. More than a friend. I said this before, I wouldn’t be the same without him. I can’t think of not knowing him anymore. Ridiculous for someone I met only 2.5 years ago. First day of junior year, a blonde head sitting a few rows back in 11^th grade English. Beauchmin’s class, then a blond head witting in the back of Warstler’s history class. That’s when it all really began, in History of the Americas, IB History 1.

I think about the people I know at school. The two most important, Glenn and Elizabeth. I regret my mom not knowing what I’ll end up as a result of my knowing these people. All my regrets are her not seeing what I’ll become in the future. I have plans, I have dreams and I have a path to follow and I don’t know where it leads, but I –

I think about the video Alex and I made today, mostly playing with the camera more than anything serious. Some great things were said, some great things happened. Things you have to be there for. I think about the future and looking back at out stupid actions. I think about the fact that a year ago I wouldn’t have done half of what I did in that video, half of what I do on a normal daily basis right now. Random touches, random hugs, relying on someone else. ‘My life revolves around Alex’ he said what amounted to that. Scarily enough, that has a shred of seriousness even if said in jest.

God grant me the strength to accept the things I can’t change. –RDJ ‘Broken’

I trust other people on the spot, but this is more than trust. A sort of reliance. But, there is the fact that nothing more is possible for the two of us. A sexual relationship wouldn’t solve anything, it wouldn’t’ break anything, but it wouldn’t solve anything.

A year ago I would not randomly hug people. A year ago I would not let my self get to close. I’m more vulnerable in some ways, more closed off in others. I have things that need to be taken care of, things that will be taken care of.

It’s been a while, I can’t quite remember everything that sparked this, but there is more. Somewhere.

Guide was interesting. It spoke volumes. Dramas always make me internalize, they make me look at what I’m doing. They make me question life and what I’ve done, what I will do.

There’s more to this, to be written some other time. I’ve lost it. It won’t be back for a while. Maybe I’ll be less morose then, or maybe I need to be morose for it to feel real.

Jasmine P.