Why Hating on Valentine's Day is Stupid

Every February singles across America are bitter because they don't have that "one special someone" to lavish them with love, or to lavish with love. They're bitter because they feel as if the world has taken up arms against their singleness so they hate love, they hate positivity and they decide to hate their friends who happen to be in a romantic relationship. I happen to find that whole mindset to be ignorant, spiteful and stupid. 

It's common enough knowledge around these here parts that I am single and I have never had a boyfriend. I've written a few times over the years about relationships, some things positive and some negative. I've also written about love a few times. Those last two overlap but whatever. My point is I'm single and I've been bitter about it, but Valentine's Day doesn't really make me bitter. I'm indifferent because I don't really need to lean that far one way or the other.

It's also stupid for people who are single to pine, cry, and rage about Valentine's Day when conversations like "Worst Valentine's Gifts Ever" get written, every fucking year. Or how about "Valentine's Dos and Don'ts" And to manipulate people there are lists such as "Gifts for Every Woman in Your Life". People who are single take for granted all of this shit, I read it and make a confused face and laugh at the stupidity. Why is it also looked at as the ma's responsibility to make Valentine's Day "perfect"? We're I able to I'd wine and dine my fella because I'd want to.

Going back to single-bitterness, people have taken to calling February 14 "Singles Awareness Day". I feel sorry for these people because they can't accept everything else they have in their lives. I don't have A Significant Other, I have many Significant Others, I generally call them 'friends' because that creeps all of us out a bit less. On a given week I interact with anywhere between 20-50 people who worry about me, who notice when they haven't seen me in a while, who like to see me. Since last February I've made around ten new friends to hang out with, I've added a shit ton of Facebook friends, but that's different, and I feel loved.

I feel loved because I don't sit around waiting for one person to tell me they care about me. I'm not waiting for one person to buy me flowers and candy, to take me out to dinner or to stay in watching some delightfully terrible movie because why should I put everything into one person? That's too much stress and responsibility, it's ridiculous.

People say Valentine's Day makes them aware of how tragically alone they are; that's every fucking day. Think passively about the last movie you watched, just about any genre, there's a male and female lead, they hate each other, then love each other, have a falling out then they get back together before the credits roll. Action movie: the action hero/ine rescues someone else and the victim they rescued falls madly in love with them half way through the movie, there are some sloppy make outs, maybe a fade to black sex scene and finally they walk hand in hand into the sunset after the victim's been saved one last time. Romanctic comedy (I can't remember the last movie that was just a romance without needing the poorly handled comedy) Super hot really successful woman meets super hot/moderately hot/seriously unattractive and unsuccessful man who teachers her how to live and love life again, they have a falling out over something she initially found endearing, they realize they can't live with one another so they gt back together. Credits. The comedy, male lead living a mediocre life meets super hot chick and cracks jokes about the main plot and some how gets his life entwined with hers, but not before they break it off for like a movie-day then get back together, a few more jokes and credits.

And it just keeps going on, many movies have a lead and their romantic counterpart and it's generally the same up and fucking down and people get pissed off because one day celebrates relationships. I'm more irritated that I have to deal with some hamfisted, unrealistic romantic relationship in my action movie instead of seeing more explosions, more trains crashing into each other and more monsters getting their asses handed to them. No, in the middle of the fight the leads realize this may be their last or their only chance to tell each other they love them, so movie time slows to like...30 seconds movie time equals 2 minutes real time, so their liplock is on DBZ levels and how fucking long has this been going on.

I'm not lying when I say I wouldn't want to wake up in the morning with someone else in my bed or that I don't want someone else to think about me all the time, but I'm not going to hate other people or a holiday just because I don't have any one else. I have many people. Hell, on Monday I walked around campus giving holographic dinosaurs, temporary tattoos and candy to people. I gave them to people who said they hated Valentine's Day, and they told me I made their day better.

Valentine's Day isn't about one person caring about you, it's about anyone caring, it's about knowing that people want you to be happy. I did what I did because I like giving people things, and I wanted candy but I didn't want to eat the entire bag on my own. You know what's amusing? Seeing a 23 year old geek out over a holographic dinosaur that shows it's skeleton. Seeing the 27 year old who has real tattoos try to put a tie-die patterned peace sign on his forehead, or the 19 year old rush to put a creepily disembodied puppy on her wrist. And that people can't resist the delicious taste of a Reese's mini-cup or a Jolly Rancher lollipop. For a moment people forgot that they didn't have a date for dinner and took joy in the kindness of a relative stranger.

I don't know, people put too much stock into one person caring about them that they forget about anybody else around them who notices when they're not there. If you disappeared for even 24 hours and nobody knew where you went, I'm sure at least one person would wonder and be worried. I like to think about all of my relationships more then just thinking about my non-existent romantic relationships

I dunno, I've just never understood the rage and hatred, especially when people in relationships still hate Valentine's Day because they have to make an effort to prove to someone they love them. The hassle it all is because society puts so much into pushing one day of love and compassion that if the 14th sucks then the relationship is destined to fail. You never win it seems, so I'd rather be happy with many, seeing many and enjoying friendships instead of depressed with one and having no one else to spend my time with.

Jasmine P.

Esoterically Me

I am esoteric. I rely on other people without blatantly telling them that I rely on them. I use my friends to validate me to such an extent that when I'm alone I decide I'm worthless and want other people to tell me what to do, how to act or even just tell me to do something I already want to do. Like, right now, I'm friggin' giddy over this dude. I spend too much time contemplating what he thinks about me, what I'm wearing or things I like or say. I have elaborate fantasies of us just hanging out or him actually asking me out and it both cheers m up an depresses me. I feel like I'm loved but then I think about who I am and how I act and decide there's no way he'd like me and I'm back to where I started again. Sometimes I make elaborate plans to boldly say what I feel but it never works out. I'm either too distracted in the moment (too giddy, too eager, too nervous) or I'm finally calm again and I'm confused as to how I feel. I'm going insane. The person I actively turn to tells me to just go for it, but then I'm too afraid, or I don't know the next time I'll see this guy.

I'm esoterically me because I post song lyric for unrequited-love songs as my status on facebook hoping he gets the message. I say we should do something together, effectively saying we should go out or I go out on a limb and directly ask him out. I'm tired of being so stressed out, I want to forget about romance and infatuation and just focus on being stressed about school and classes and getting my life together.

I want a cheat code to get to the end. I want to peek at the last page of the book to see how it all ends, I'm tired of turning the pages one by one and feeling like I progress no further into the story then I was when I woke up this morning. I at least want to say something before my journal comic gets online. There's flirting  something like...6 or 12 days in, love sick whining for the next two months then meager interaction for the last few weeks with an increase in pining and being a whiny bitch. 

I'm tired of being so esoterically me.
Jasmine P.

Fuck, this whole rant is esoteric.

Crossroads: Built to Help, Only Impede

I was originally going to do a write up of the past week I spent in Wisconsin, but this seemed to be a bit more pertinent. I still want to write up about the week before I forget. That's why Twitter's nice, I wrote some stuff up there most days, so I can review it and remind myself what I did and what to write about. But for now, less about last week and more about me.

I've in a funk, again. I don't know what to do to break it. I've spent the past few days since returning to Norfolk watching Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies, which I guess I can include in my review blog. But not right now. I'm at that annoying impasse where I don't know what I want to do. Not with my education and not with tomorrow. I can't draw, so write I must.

I've recently fallen in love with writing things by hand. I hand wrote a note to a woman from New York, more to be expounded upon in the SWS/Wisconsin journal. But I kind of want to write more people letters. One to Scott, another to Ralph...that's it. Yeah, so two letters. There's the personal touch of recieving mail, and writing them. They take time, and even once the idea is written, there's writing a presentable form of the letter.

Well, let's start somewhere. Is It Okay If I Call You Mine? written and sung by Paul McCrane. Ironic time to play this song. This is kind of how I feel about Paul, but also at the moment, men in general. Kind of. I mean, first there is my interest in someone who hasn't called me back. I fear his phone is lost or something. Then there's Phillip, who's interest in my was professed by two other people in drunken stupor. I doubt they remember telling me this, but a large part of me doesn't want to inquire about it, but if someone cares, why not try for something. Then there's Beau, and that one I assume is all in my head. He's a cutie, and I could have sworn just last week when I friended him on facebook he was in a relationship with someone, but that's beside the point. Interest in him came from his drunken excitement in seeing me. Yeah, prefixed by drunken, so who knows. I have also decided that the actors Lee Pace and Tyrone Lietso. Bt incrredible cute and adorable. I see Paul is Pace's performace from PD, which makes me think he's still quite in the running for my heart for things more serous, but at the same time, I haven't seen the man/boy in a month! A month! He hasn't answered his phone or anything. I'm sitting in the middle of a road of attention, attraction and affection [alliterative a...] and not a peep. I tied calling about thirty minutes ago. Maybe he'll call. I hope so. Hell, I want the simplicity of a kiss. I want and crave contact. So many people, so close and yet oh so terribly far.

Like aways, I know what I want, but differently, I have potential venues, but won't go for any of them. I was fine, when I almost had someone, now? Ha! I'm back to just plain needing someone. I need something to guide my attention, to help motivate me. For whatever reason I've actually made the Fourth of July into something important and want someone to spend the night with. I normally couldn't give a rat's ass for the damn day, but apparently in my vulnerable state I want someone. Last week I was distracted, as with the week before, but now, it's me and only me.

This is an island that sucks. Maybe someone will actually call. The Ficus might, but that's not as pressing to me as pretty much anyone else calling. I want attention. I want to be loved. I want to be romantically loved. Hell, I know plenty of people on this stupid orb love me, platonically, but I want a romantic relationship. Pining, I'm pining away for most anything.

Aside from my heart, I was feeling a change of pace for a short period f time and going back to science for a degree, but now I'm feeling art again. I'm also feeling not earning a degree and just striking out on my own. Dorien and Miguel keep saying how hard it is, but they haven't done that. They both almost got away, then went crawling back home. I'm not doing that. Love or not, I'm getting out of this crummy state. I'm getting away where all the disturbed girls are. My papa never put his ping-ping in my po-po, but there is something rotten in the Denver of Virginia. And the Denmark too.

Apparenlty, I've stopping caring about who might stumble upon this piece of privacy, and that's well enough. It's here for someone to read, and not just for me to write. I dunno, maybe I'll escape the easiest way I know how, into the tombs of a new book. Well, new, old, re-read, or something I left to be enjoyed at a later date. I dunno, maybe I'm a little inspired from eading the writings of Jonathan Ames who had his writings published, and they were of a varying private nature, personal if nothing else. Maybe it's better to toss life out to the void of it's reality and see who stops and inspects. Maybe something good will come out of it. With my luck, nothing will, but that's also just as well. I always want someone to read these, but at the same time, I seriously want no one to read them.

Jasmine P.

Holidays Love Misery

Hello all! Here's another installment of my observations f the world around me and my questioning the motivations for what I see. I consider this to be a 'proper' journal for my to be writing because my day to day life isn't interesting enough for me to want to write about anyway. Hell, I think my last journal was on how nothnig was going on, but I was vaguely compelled to write anyway.

But first! A quick flash back to something I think I wrote back around Easter: [blank] I have no idea where that rant went...I remember writing somewhere about how I had no use for holiday's. I could have sword it was written on/around Easter, but I can't find anything about it. It may have been written in February about the lack there of of press for Black History Month.

I totally forgot my point after reading my first 6 journals here. They were terrible, no description of anything. I was keeping secrets from myself at times, and now, I post waaaay too much information. Cheers!

So, onto holidays. It might just be me, but it seems like the world over, retail over, people don't seem to be taking as much of a vested intereste din selling a holiday anymore. Not so much as when I was a kid. I'm not complaing so much as commentating. It's just that I walk into a Wal-Greens and there's barely anything they're trying to pimp for Mother's Day. What little television I've watched recently there've been very few commercials for this day either. It's almost as if the world doesn't care about holidays too much anymore. Well, some of them. I was in the mall, true, I was only up by the movie theater, but still, not much trying to pimp last minute gifts, which is what any mall is all about. I know times have changed, but...

On love.
This was originally going to be about holiday's and misery, but after I wrote that title, I knew I could write this and it would work out awesomely. Plus, that title wins.

Last night I went out on a date with Paul. I guess it was supposed to be a date, neither of us said that, and I've never been on a date, but I think that's what it all wrapped up to be. We went out and saw the new Star Trek movie, and I've never been a Trek fan, but this movie was pretty entertaining. I'd almost be interested in watching the show. If nothing else, I'll check out some of the other ST flicks, and maybe some of the future ones. I wasn't too into it until Kirk got into space. Too amused by the fact that he got his ass kicked thrice in the movie. Sometimes it's the little things that make me laugh, but it was one gorgeous piece of celluloid. I'll tell you what.

Ahem, the date. He paid for the movie, for the snacks and picked me up for it. We chatted prior to and after the movie. Still awkward saying goodbye, and he said he'd call today, which means tomorrow if I'm lucky, haha. Chances are we'll chat soon enough, and do something else together. Still, it makes me happy to think about him. Also, it's sad that this amuses me as much as it does, but after he commented on how scarcastic I am, I stopped being as scarcastic to him, but last night I had to! For Monsters vs Aliens there are these bins to collect the 3-D glasses after the movie. It says it alll around the box like, twenty times. He has to look inside the box. I had to laugh with him about it. it wasn't mean spirited, but it was funny. The box said that's where the glasses went, but he had to open it. My type of person, looking anyway. I didn't expect it to be full, but I also wasn't compelled to look. It was fun. Truely.

Now onto the misery =D

The following comments, long sentences, if you will, are partially to blame for this rant being ranted here, but c'est la vie :/

-The MB is such a cunt. I woke up and walked around the kitchen, there was a damp dirty sock on the towel where i dry my dishes. Why? Idk!!

-We're also the only people in the apt, and there were plenty of other counter space for her disgusting unsanitary sock. Fucking cunt.

-Why would misery want the company of one they disliked. MB might have to stand for miserable bitch, because she's that, and seems to cont.

-Want to bring me down to her unhappy level too. I've bothered nothing of hers, but she has this compulsion to mess with my possessions. Sad.

Those four tweets , and actually that final one, made her actions make sense to me. She's miserable, and I'm not. So fucking what i took back my own paper towels. Go buy your own. I don't have to share anything of mine with you. I haven't touched a damn thing of hers for personal gain other than moving it out of my way so I could go about my business. Time and time again I've seen my food go missing, an abnormal amount of my cleaning supplies gone and used, and my things moved. It's sad that it took me all year to realize she's just a miserable cunt whose bothered by my happiness. Anytime I'm happy she goes out of her way to make me unhappy. Hell, she usually looks haggered and unhappy when I see her, no matter what she's doing. I know I've walked past her and I looked happy. Not trying to look happy, but I was in a much better mood than she is.

My opinion is she's also a miserable little frig because she left her home the day before Mother's Day, when her mother is alive and I assume well. People with mother's take them for granted. I don't understand why she's not home expressing her love for her mother. I'm going to be out in Wisconsin for Father's Day, I loath my father, but I can be civil enough to call him while I'm there. Maybe I'll draw him a picture. That's not a terrible idea. But back to the Miserable Cunt or Midget Bitch because she's both. I've wasted more time this year dealing with my issues with her but it's only right that I finish it up. She's just in unhappy soul, it's almost as if she doesn't know how to be happy and I think my relaxed or passe or cheerful demeanor frighten her, so she retaliates with hatred. I'm also in a much happier place so I can see this. I will hold it against her because I've done nothing to her, and I will keep my things to myself because I don't need her contempt making me unhappy. Happiness is a wonderful weapon sometimes.

Jasmine P.

A Good Day

Today, over all has been a good day.

It's two years to the day...well, by the time this is posted, two years to yesterday that my mother died from organ failure after her body succumbed to pneumonia and cancer. I thought I'd be more upset about it, but I wasn't I took a moment not too long after noon to think about her, then I went back to the rest of my day, thinking my mother would rather have me happy then to dwell on her death. I spent my afternoon straightening up my room because Paul was going to see it. Paul is the guy referenced in the other two journals. I think I can use his name now.

Anywho, today I woke up and chilled. Took care of a few things, and was late to geology because I magically could not get to that class on time this semester. At least I was there, unlike last semester where I skipped. Hell, I skipped it a lot this semester too, but I was there for the last day of class. I went to class and then left so I could hit up the mall to buy AJ a graduation gift.

I got him a $50 gift card to Barnes & Noble then came back to campus. I hung out with Elizabeth for about an hour before I made it back to my own apartment to chill before hanging out with Paul. I made up the certificates then went to meet Paul outside. He was sweet enough to text me saying he'd be late. I assume traffic was a player in that. Then he called, I guess, saying he was there. We walked around for about 40 min, just chatting and walking around campus.

We roll over to IHOP and I tell him about my brothers and father a bit. He tells me a bit about his family. We're the first to arrive at IHOP closely followed by Jay and Allison, then Nick, Casy and Sean. We get a table then others join us. Nicole and Andrew, a friend of Seans. Glenn, A friend of Drew's then Ian and AJ. Dan shows up about an hour later. It's a usualy night at IHOP. Lot's of chatting and lots of fun and perversion.

Our waiter is awesome and splits the bill, two meals per bill seeing as Tuesday's are buy one, get one free. Paul pays for his, but my meal is on his ticket. The group makes plans to go over ot Jay and Allison's and as we're leaving IHOP Paul and I end up chatting with Drew and Nicole about Drew's broken window. This Saturday, someone broke into his car to steal his radio. He wasn't able to get the window fixed today.

We're out there chatting about cars for a while when this homeless man comes up to us and takes twenty minutes to get to his point of asking us for money. We give him maybe three dollars in change, he then keeps talking to us. It was a little awkward.

Paul drives me back to campus and we chat about nothing really. He gives me a hug before I get out the car, and both of us are apparently bad at farewells, because we said good bye a few times, and I wished him luck at his job interview for tomorrow. It was all pretty damn disconnected, but he did say he'd call to tell me how the interview went. And we agreed to make plans to hang out together again, so I think the next time will be more of a date. Yeah. It was nice. Man, I still feel special, and I think really dating him would be nice.

Even though it's been two years since my mother died, today wasn't a bad day. Better than last year, whatever I did. I'm glad I'm not as depressed as I was last year around this time.

Jasmine P.

Happyhappyhappyhappy

So, in another journal I said I was going to tell this guy I think he's cute.

I did.

He told me he thinks i'm pretty.

I'm happy. We exchanged numbers, so hopefully we'll go out...do something...soon... but I'm still just plain happy.

Jasmine P.

Mr. Smith

Kevin Smith,
It is apparently imperative that I write a letter you will most likely never see. If I in fact leave my waning sanity and send it to you, this line would be kept in because that's how I roll.
To being, let's put something in perspective, you graduated high school the year I was born.
Now that that's out of the way, to the meat and potatoes of this little little bit of verbose lovefest. I seriously loved Clerks. The second time I tried to watch it. Funny thin is it's been about two months since the first time I tried to watch it, but something wasn't right with me. I loved the cartoon and had to see where it all stemmed from, and finally after readng Silent Bob Speaks and after watching Robert Rodriguez's first couple of movies I had a better appreciation for 1) modern black and white film and 2) something as box destroying as Clerks.
I have spent the past month of January loving El Mariachi, Desperados, From Dusk Till dawn, Four Rooms and The Faculty and I read his book Rebel Without A Crew which put a whole new perspective in my mind about smaller budgeted films that legally there was no way I was seeing when they came out.
What I have decided I have to say to you is that I have spent my entire evening watching Clerks, about 4 times, and most of the special features from the Tenth anniversary collection that I rented from an independent movie rental place near my college campus. I loved the writing. I loved seeing words that most people don't see much too much further than outside of an English class room or in a dictionary when they're looking for dirty words. The rifts between the characters were hella realistic. That's not near how I talk with my friends, but we can and have gotten into conversations, deep conversations on such a variety of topics that how serious they were when they were talking about the most trite of subjects was one of the things that made it special.
Every group of friends has their topic[s]. It was an interesting peek inside your world, well, the world you lived in when you were about my age [you old fuck :)]and it is always nice to see that the youth of the world do have the love of a good conversation or debate, no matter what age they are. Here, it's that awkward stage between being an adult and being a child. I mean, in my eyes right now, I don't usually think of myself as an adult, and I don't can, truly call myself a child.
What this movie has done was inspire me to take my writing mroe seriously. I don't really want to write for a movie, but like many non-famous people I am interested in meeting some celebs. I'm much more interested in getting my own comic drawn and published, or to become a world reknown botanist. Those are things that make me happy. Comics and plants. What was the point of that, note sure, these things are mostly rants to tell the truth.
I loved Clerks and when I have the chance I'm renting the rest of the flicks from the Askewniverse. It seems to be an interesting place to visit every now and again. I know the rest won't be like Clerks, but I'm sure I'll fall in love with each of them for different reasons.
And another point, I loved Zack and Miri Make a Porno. That was the most interesting romantic comedy I've ever seen. The characters did seem to be the most real and they didn't follow the stereotypic relationship arc as in most romantic comedys. And the set up that they've known eachother for just about the entireity of their lives and they live together is a great set up for why they never slept together themselves. I loved what you did with the characters, everybody. Everything fit into the rules of the world. Every movie world has it's own set of rules, and the rules for Z&M were engaging and awesome.

Jasmine P.

Change

To fill in the blanks from the beginning, if for nothing, my terrible memory. On Monday, I decided to ask this guy out. His response is 'maybe' then we talk about other things. We happen to not see each other until Wednesday night, when he agrees to try going out with me. I'm happy, but things between us don't seem any different, in any way shape or form. This is what happens upon question him. [originally a letter to Za]

Nope, not what you were thinking. I brought up with the guy, the fact that things seem to be the same between us as before, and wondered why he said 'yes' to me after he asked me why I asked.

I said 'I feel really comfortable and I was wondering where things would go' blah blah blah, stuff I've told you before.

Upon asking him why he said 'yes' he said he wanted to try to open himself up to people more. I asked him if he could think of me as more than a friend, and he thinks 'no'. So we decided to break things off now.

I don't really feel sad, at the moment I'm sleepy, but it's fucking 1:30am and I've been up since 7. I felt a bit melancholy, but ehh, things will apparently be the same because after decided we'd stay friends, he asked me some art question and I answered.

I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll go back to ...well, I haven't really changed, so there's not much for me to go back to. I guess in my mind, or maybe I'll go back to not thinking about guys. This would have been easier if he'd just said 'no' before but ces't la vie.

In the grand scheme of relationships, I won't count this as anything because it's barely been 48hrs since the original conversation [which was 12 after practice on Wednesday]. I regret nothing, because nothing happened to regret. And I've learned something, an experience to put to use in some of my stories, so a win-nothing situation? I've also learned how I think I'll feel if I like someone else, but let's see how long it is until I feel this way again.

I assume he said 'yes' and talks to me the most because I'm patient with dealing with people [shut up, I am/can be!] and I kept trying to engage him. But that's who I am, a social being who focuses on what stands out somehow, with him, it was his silence. That, and he was always there.

Well, now I get to go back to pondering other guys and then wondering if it's something with me that scares guys away. Too aggressive of a personality or too masculine of an aura. It's not my fault, but it is my hindrance in life.

-To conclude, before actually saying anything I was thinking we feel more like friends than anything else, so it never seemed right to say anything. I think that's why I felt so unsure, there were friend vibes then from me, god to tell what. Now what to do until anther guy approaches me? I'm not big on changing who I am nor how I act, I'd rather not lie to some guy who thinks he has a chance with me, then I turn into my normal self, so fuck that.

Hell, I'm not even looking for marriage, I'm not looking for anything too serious, but I am looking for something that's meaningful and worth whatever time, energy and effort gets put into it. This had it's worth, but now I'm off to explore my psyche and figure out what I want, maybe a 'who' will respond.
Jasmine P.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

This reminds me of what I wrote up here last year, looking for love, finding one and not going ahead with anything. [[throwback]] But based off of certain circumstances, instances, rather, this might be more successful if anything is said. Maybe I should practice saying something, in my head as least. I kind of like skipping the whole confession part of everything and image being in a relationship.

Things of interest, he does seem to hyper-focus on me sometimes when we're together or with other people. In a weird way I do the exact opposite, avoid eye-contact and what not because then I start thinking stupid things or focusing too much until I'm too nervous to act normal.

Jack Johnson is the best and worst thing at the moment.

I don't want to be the one to start things, but I also don't want to be in this awkward limbo anymore. I'd love ANY little sign that this is requited love and not unrequited.

I need to write about something other than my lack there of of a relationship with this person. Fuck all! Heh, for as outgoing as I normally am I can't just take control of this. I need to stop protecting me and go out on a limb for once, it would do me a hell of a lot of good if I did. Is is so hard to want any little obvious sign. The most obvious I can notice is how often we hang out, but that doens't count for anything. Unless something happens, we'll fall into the friendship rut and nothig will change.ell, i damn near want Za to push me into him ro something retarded. That would be better than fuck near nothing. I know things aren't like movies, but sometimes I want the ease or confidance of getting into a relationship that people seem to always have in movies.

Hopefully I'll have something more substantial to write here soon. I'm tired of re-writingt he same things, but sadly these same things are on my mind all the time.

Jasmine P.

Social Study

Its interesting to see how people interact, but it's even more to try to observe oneself on the objective in a very subjective situation. It's also interesting to analyze how I act and to try to figure out why.

A few of the whys: I'm horny, I'm getting depressed, I am just plain lonely.

Now that we have a few possible answers, let's get to the meat of the situation. I'm trying to figure out how a guy I know feels about me, but I'm not sure if this is just me pushing my feelings onto him, or if there is something behind how I'm thinking. I could just be horny, my period is right around the corner and I do get needy and horny right before it so that could be it. Or I could be feeling something for him and that's what I'm unsure of. Two things I noticed today was we got into a bit of a poking war while playing Rock Band, but it didn't just tickle when he poked my side, it was pleasurable. Then there was a time a bit later when we were done fencing and we shook hands, a pleasant feeling ran through my hand.

These are feelings I normally associate with a crush, but this is potentially mutual, so I don't want to just write it off. Another thing is though, last year I said I'd date no fencers, and I met him through fencing. But at the same time, I've not been in a relationship for...well, ever, so I might say 'yes' if he says something just so I can feel loved and feel special and everything that is involved with being in a real relationship with someone. I guess that's what I want, but I don't know if he's who I want.

There's another guy who's always nice and fun to talk to, but he's someone I never see. Well, it's rare, then we don't usually have the chance to talk about much. He might just be nice to all the girls, which would be fine and saddening at the same time. But between these two guys, Guy 2 has props for being both older than me and not a fencer, but Guy 1 has a much closer proximity and we have been hanging out a lot.

That might also be the inspiration for false feelings, close social interaction.

So, like I said, Social Study. A study of me socially. I want some answers soon, hell, I want one of them to say something so I'd actually have something to think about and something to get advice on. I would finally need advice, and it would be fine with me.

Time shall tell.

Jasmine P.

Right Here, Right Now

I am currently incredibly stressed out and I can't write what I need to to save my life, or better yet, my English grade. I am stressed over work, over classes and over my desire to not be alone but the fact that i am. I want to be loved. I want some to love also. I want and miss my mother right now. I am on edge, I feel discontent, my knee is hurting again, I'm just all over the place in a bad way and I don't know just how much longer I'll be able to handle it. I can't draw anything worth drawing, but I do love my pen drawing that I'm calling 'Beautiful'. It's not the first time that commentary's been mad, but that's not the point. There is a bit of a follow up piece, but the second one didn't work right, so it needs to be drawn over and in a way that it makes sense.

Back to me and how broken I am. Heh, broken is the right way to describe it. I'm not right. I cry for no reason, the tears just pour from my eyes. I ignore them as they trail down my face. I do and don't want to be around people. I do and don't want to talk. I need someone to ask the right questions so I can get to the answers that keep alluding me so.

I have figured out that there is no one I love at the moment. I have no crushes, but I do have speculation on people who I think may like or be interested in me, but I have no proof for any of my ideas. There are little things, but they're unfounded. I don't think that's what I want... i have no real proof for my reasoning other than a few odd little things that have stuck out in my mind. I have figured out that I am in dire desire for physical contact, be it a hug or just being physically close to someone else. I'd prefer the other person to be male, and I think I'm feeling a desire to be around men. To be around masculine energy, but it needs to be positive and not necessarily perverted. I don't really want to talk, I just want to be close to someone. I don't want to have to take on anyone else's stress and I can't handle anyone else's anger at the moment. I can't be receptive and understanding. I'm to guarded to put in the effort to he considerate. I don't want to be considerate either. I'm mopey and I want someone else to pay attention to me. I want someone to really try no matter how guarded I act. i want someone to put in the effort that I put in when they're upset or in a bad mood.

I want someone to love and someone to love me in return who will try as hard as I do to understand, to comprehend and to help. I'm losing myself in myself. I need the strength of someone else. I'm disgusted with myself. Where did my strength and independence go? Why do I feel the need to be so dependent on others that I feel lost when I'm alone. why do I feel the need to have my own emotions dictated by others? why am I so empathetic and around other who are near as empathetic as I that they can't see that everything I am at the moment is a lie, a facade to hind how I really feel.

i want someone to be able to see past the 'Jasmine' that is quiet, intelligent and strong to be able to see, hug, hold and help that much weaker Jasmine who hides inside. The part of me that wants help, but isn't near loud enough to be heard when she cries out for assistance. I am so guarded all the time that the outer me doesn't want the inner me to be heard, but the inner me must find a way to be heard by someone who can and will help. I don't want to be independent nor do i want to be dependent, I just want to be able to live at a nice moderate in between of strength that is given and received.

I want to be able to draw strength from another, but i can't find any who is able to give me that which I desire. I want to stop feeling the way I do. I want to be able to drawn, i want to be able to feel something other than massive and constant depression at the moment. Will this be gone after next Tuesday? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I knew where to find what I want and that what I wanted would find me. Even if it doesn't last long it would be better than nothing at the moment. I need to be less guarded so others can see what I mean, see how I really feel even though I hide. I need someone to understand the little signs. When I'm quiet, when I'd rather go off on my own even though normally I'd stay around others. When I'm not the me I usually am, when I'm sad and crying and feel so alone that I don't know what to do anymore. Fuck a knight in shining armor, I'd rather have a dork is comfortable clothing. He'd be much nicer to hold.

When will it be my time to not be alone. When will I be able to rely on someone and have them rely on me equally? Why must I wait so long for a taste of what I desire?

Adios for now
:salute and bow:
Jasmine P.

What I Want

I want some one to think I'm special. Someone who values me and loves me. I want someone to love, and someone to love me back, just as much if not more. I don't want to be alone. I'm such a freakin' romantic, but I want this person to know me. I want it to be some one who understands and accepts me as I am. I want someone I can focus massive amounts of attention on and not be called a stalker, someone I can monopolize and spend time with. Someone who keeps me calm and will just listen to my insane ramblings, sometimes encouraging them, other times hindering them. I want someone. I want to be loved and know I'm being loved as more than a friend. I want someone I can just chill with, lay with be absolutely comfortable with. I want someone I can confide in at any/all hours, someone to take care of me. I want someone to take care of, someone who will rant and vent to me so I can comfort them. I want someone to touch and hold and to not have to make up some weird excuse to do so.

I just plain want.