I think I see the bottom

started 11:35pm-12:29am

So, I'm hella depressed. I want yesterday and Friday to return, they were great days. They were pretty happy, relatively carefree. Now I'm just fucking depressed. I'm just about out of money, so I can't buy things which is my usual short term remedy for being depressed. I'm mostly down at the moment because of that. It's a really stupid reason to be depressed, but things are going to change, it seems. I'm going to try to apply at Borjo again, and apply for a loan through campus. Maybe I'll get a few hundred, maybe a thousand or so to help with everything. Life sucks when you're coasting along and them BAM! Shit happens. I know, I've been headed this way since sophomore year, actually, but since it's now aggressively in my face I need to rectify the situation. Why couldn't this have happened next week? If it was next week instead I'd be planning on going home and I'd be able to wallow for a bit instead of wavering in and out. Maannn, this is rough. I almost want to cry, i think I might. My text message ring tone makes me smile. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk to Alex, that should help. It might not. I think I might raid my meager possessions to see what I can sell. I think this might just be an immediate reaction. Hopefully it'll go away soon. I do know I have to cut a few things out, like coffee and cigarettes. No more daily coffee, it'll be once a week, but I'll still hang out there. The people are a good part of why I go to Borjo every day. Fuck, now I'm crying. I want to be a kid again, I want my mother to take care of everything. That can't happen, she's dead. Oh look, it's almost three whole years since the shittiest day of my remembered life. Ugh, I hate this, I'm just whining right now. Seriously, why didn't my brothers withold my money before, when I was but a child?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I want bliss, I want joy, I want to be loved. I want someone to hug me and love me. I know it probably wouldn't help my full situation all that much, but from where I'm sitting right now, it seems like it would be a fair bit better. I know I'm just imagining the highs of being loved, but it would be a hell of a lot better than me sitting here wallowing in depression.

Man, I talk about Friday, but I haven't really said what happened. I wasn't me, it was amazing. I was at Borjo doing the usual. I happened to see Megan, one of the Sobo bartenders on her way back to the bar, she told me a dj would be there. I haven't been to the bar in a while so I went over. Joe M. was there with some friends, and he was paying for drinks, at least up front, so drinks cost 1/2 as much as usual. I accepted it, free drinks, yo. I meet some friends, Christina, Zack, and Abraham. Christina was druuuunk and pretty damn funny. Zack was a bit of a whiney bitch, but entertaining. I didn't speak with Abe much, he rolled out pretty early. After maybe 45 minutes there Joe decides he want to go to the Boar's Nest. I had no one else to talk to, so I tagged along. I met some other friends and acquaintances there and as I drank my regular self slipped away and I started getting louder and dancing. This one dude, Micah, he was tall, adorable and hella nice to me. I harassed him so much, but he let me. He had the cutest smile when I called him out on that. I had a weak ass apology of 'I wouldn't do this if I was sober' after some of the shit I did, and I did relatively few things I would have if I was sober. I danced, lewdly which was fun. I dropped a lot of ice down his shirt and down the back of his briefs. Coup de gra, I got one down the front of his pants. That was the most amusing one. Some other dude, John I think, had his wrists so he couldn't stop me, then I took his hands to keep him from automatically being able to get the ice. God, I was mean. I grabbed his ass, twice, his reaction was adorable. I told him I thought he was adorable. I should have told him I liked him. I did, I still do. I wish I was less of a coward, worst he would have said was he didn't like me. Best, as far as I'll allow my imagination, I could have gotten a kiss. A drunken kiss, but still a kiss. I got a lot of hugs, and he was willing to hug me every time I asked. Too damn nice. I also tweaked and rubbed a few nipples, I remember that and had Micah pull up his shirt and she me his tattoo, I don't even remember why, I think I was looking for his nipple then. It was great not being me, and kinda horrible at the same time.

I had a delicious drink called a Florida Storm. Vodka, peach schnapps, mango rum/vodka, bitters, grenadine. Maybe something else. It was good, I'd buy it again. It was unbelievable fun to be not me. I can't do that all the time, money aside, I don't like sleeping on the bathroom floor, in case I vomit, or the feeling of drinking too much. My last LOIT was one too much, I've leaned that 7-8 drinks/shots are where I should stop. Now I know for the future. But Friday was still glourious, I felt loved. I felt like someone liked my body, maybe a little, or maybe he liked the attention, I know I loved the attention. For the night, he had my heart, and now he's going home to Kentucky and chances are I'll never see him again. It's probably better that way, I don't know how I could face him sober. I'd probably just pretend most of what I did on Friday didn't happen. From Friday there are some other people I hung out with and enjoyed drunkenly talking to, but I kind of had a little bit of a one track mind so, ah-hem I can't write much about them.

Do I regret Friday, not on my life. Would I do it again, yup. When, maybe at the end of May, maybe later then that, I dunno yet. Have I cheered myself up, you know it! I'll handle the money situation later, but for now I'll go back to my awesome memories of one fantastically no-me night and go to sleep.

Jasmine P.

My Evening

Well, these past 12 hours have been interesting. I spent a few hours reading and in general hanging around Borjo. That was fun, I doodled some, Dan asked, so I drew him, Brian and Jennifer. It was an aright sketch, I'll take a photo of it later when I'm back there so I have a copy of it.

I went over to SoBo, a pizza and bar, where there was a benefit concert for another employee of Borjo who was injured back over the summer. I spent my night hanging with the Borjo crowd. I do like them. I learned a lot about one of them and really met Rob's wife. She's nice.

Wow, I thought I had more to write, but details about things are not mine to share, and sober, they might not have been told. I dunno. I was quiet, dealing in a social depression. I was depressed in a social setting, but I kept hanging out with people because I knew I wasn't going to fall asleep. I'm not really tired, it sucks. I'll try to sleep once I'm done with this, but it might not happen too soon which is lame. We'll see.

From SoBo I hung out with Brian and Bones at a hookah bar. I drove them because even thought I did drink at SoBo, I was sober for at least an hour before we left. We smoked a little and they danced. I watched and was very internally quiet. That's why I dislike being depressed, I get quiet. That which normally runs at a mile a minute was moving a picasecond a year. I did talk with Bones, explained why I was depressed, a friendly ear was nice. I chatted with another fellow who apparently frequents Borjo, named Gerard. He was interesting.

Sometimes I wish I could make a stronger connection to someone my own age, most of the time they're years older than I am, but I can hold my on in a serious conversation. I dunno, depression is a mother fucker. I'm a bit more tired since I'm on my own, it's that nice sort of morning silence, and I don't really have any stimulation.

With that little voice off my recounting my night isn't all that interesting. Normally I'd've described what I drank and talk more about people I met and the experience, but not tonight. Let's write more over these next few days, something should come out of it.

Jasmine P.